I yawned, the cold fog stung into my skin and my groggy eyes were threatening to close.
Although I've slept for a long time, it still didn't seem I've gained something out of it.
My body is well rested but I want to sleep a bit more.
A little bit more.
I stared at the fire burning in the darkness, the rib baskets laid around it as the fire illuminated the blood stained fruits.
Eating them seemed repulsive.
But I can stomach that disgust.
I can.
Hunger?
Never could I.
I glanced at the small burrow, only Cassian's legs remained on the ground while his body was devoured by the roots.
He was sleeping although I could see him twist and turn, his slight shivering in the cold also made me realise how fragile he was.
Yes, he can regenerate from any injury but that doesn't mean he is invincible.
He can get hurt.
He still feels hunger.
He follows his emotions.
He is strong yet fragile.
Fragile.
I have never considered him fragile.
His sanity still remained despite his death march through hunger.
He still fought without a second thought despite waking up to cannibalism of himself.
His rationalism was terrifying, even most seasoned adventurers would be unnerved by his choices.
He was disturbing.
And yet here I am, with him.
Despite his bad qualities, I consider him a companion.
His choices are disturbing but he inflicts those thoughts only on himself.
I know.
I know that he is kind.
Cassian is kind.
He feels bad for Elgor.
I know he does.
Despite what Elgor did to him.
I can never understand the logic behind it.
He felt pity.
Mere pity made him feel bad for the person who tried eat him alive.
Why?
Did he imagine himself in such a situation?
Did he think he would do the same?
I would.
But if such a choice came right now, I wouldn't.
I would do it if it was the time we first met.
His pity, his kindness and his decisions to hurt himself rather than others makes him feel fragile.
A fragility I admire.
A weakness I want to remain in him.
If he lost these he wouldn't be the same and he can't return to who he once was.
Just like these brittle roots.
I leaned back into my pillar, the roots were uncomfortable to lay on but I got used to it.
I stared at the ceiling, the darkness and the fog concealing the roots.
He was just like these roots.
Safe inside a dark isolated grove, fragile and protected.
But when sunlight grazes them, they change.
Something unknown factors made changes in them.
Just like how his regeneration is slowly changing him.
The roots become what they were meant to become, unbreakable.
But if they become unbreakable they can't return to what they once were.
Their shape and size would remain the same.
If Cassian changes this quick, he won't be able to process them all.
He wouldn't know what to do.
He would be lost.
The roots would be deemed useless if they seemed insufficient due to their size or shape.
They would be discarded.
They would be discarded if they can't serve their original purpose.
Despite how strong or invincible Cassian gets, if he doesn't know what to do with them would he be truly considered useful?
The roots would be discarded as something useless.
Unrecognisable.
No one is without imperfections.
Imperfections is a part of them.
If you take it away, they won't be the same.
Especially Cassian.
He is afraid of change.
He is afraid of his fading hesitation.
I understand.
But I can't relate.
I can't relate to someone who is so humane yet inhumane.
So, what can I do about it?
Nothing.
There are many uncertainties in this world, nothing goes according to your wishes.
You can't change the mind of someone like Cassian.
He is involuntarily changing and he is resigning to them without resistance.
Despite these foreign changes, he accepts them.
He accepts them as a part of himself.
You can't change his mind.
That would seem more restrictive for him.
Claustrophobic and uncomfortable.
He wants to do what his mind wants to do.
However.
He did something he wasn't sure about.
I remember it.
The first time we met.
He had no motivation nor hopes.
All I could see in him was obligation.
Something a majority of the adventurers have.
Whether it was an obligation for money, power of status.
They wanted them but found no excitement in how they got them.
For them it felt like obligation.
I felt the same from Cassian too.
But now?
I don't see it.
I see curiosity.
His awestruck expressions everytime something happens inside the fog, his rapid glances at everything which seems interesting and his interest in history all led me that conclusion.
He is curious.
I like that.
Losses and gains are natural.
But in his case it's more about identity.
He is losing parts of his identity while also gaining new things to add.
That's frightening.
Slowly losing yourself while something else takes over you is frightening.
If so would he be considered as the same Cassian I've been with or someone else entirely?
I don't know.
Troublesome.
He was truly troublesome.
A trouble I can handle as of now.
In the future?
Maybe.
The question is, how would this affect me?
Would it be a life lesson? Regrets? Or something unforgettable?
I hope it isn't the regrets.
His mindset, resolve and tenacity are admirable.
Also enviable.
I, too, want to be admired.
I at first wanted it to be through kindness.
I wanted their gratitude and admiration.
I wanted them.
To prove myself.
Why?
To prove myself I'm not a 'mistake'.
To prove myself I have a purpose.
And I have understood that– everyone in this world has a purpose.
No matter how useless and insufficient they seemed.
And my purpose is to be admired.
But not through gratitude and appreciation.
So then how?
I don't know.
Should I be like Cassian.
To be unbearably stubborn?
Admiration through imitation seems unearned.
It truly is.
Then how?
I don't know.
But I will discover it.
Gradually I will.
I have a purpose.
That's progress.
A purpose to be admired.
In which should I be admired.
I want it to be in a positive way.
I want it to be something never seen before.
Something no mortal has ever tried.
Will I achieve it?
I don't kno-
No, I will achieve it.
I will strive for it no matter what happens nor how much time it takes.
Only death can stop me.
Only death.
I will achieve my purpose.
In no way would I be a fleeting memory in the minds of people.
In no way would I be forgotten.
I want to admired, remembrance doesn't matter.
Deified.
I want to be deified.
Worshipped?
So my purpose was to be worshipped and admired?
I think so.
A mortal standing on the same level as the gods? Provocative.
It will lead to disaster.
But if it comes to it, would I really care?
Gods are something people admire and appreciate.
But never have I seen genuine love towards them.
Except from the fanatical church members.
So a mortal challenging them, would be ironic.
Admirable.
Them smiting me means my dreams have been achieved.
It means I achieved the status of a deity through admiration.
It means my purpose have been fulfilled.
That's my purpose in life.
But how will I achieve it?
Will I achieve it?