I walked, each step crushing brittle roots as the sound of my footsteps never ceased to lower.
The fog was cold and thin, I liked it.
I like cold.
I prefer it over heat.
Two baskets filled with blood stained fruits hung from my hands, the crude ropes made from leaves wouldn't last long it seems.
Callon walked ahead, I don't know why but being behind and following him seemed more natural for me.
More natural huh?
The silence was peaceful, we didn't speak much and yet we knew what had to be done.
Almost as if we knew eachother for a long time.
We know when to give up or when to stop.
We know what the other might be thinking or thinks of doing.
Our actions and thoughts don't contradict eachother.
Or so it seems.
Was it a fated encounter?
Or.
Is it delusion?
Manipulation?
Am I easy to read?
Easy to fool?
What he shows on the outside isn't him but something he uses to gain trust.
Something sinister.
A possibility on the lower end of chances.
But still a possibility.
I consider him a friend but I still can't trust him.
I can but not completely.
Paranoia doesn't allow it.
It doesn't care about feelings or emotions, it only make doubts that will linger and disturb my mind.
It won't disappear.
And sometimes it won't even be true.
But sometimes it can also be true.
It won't disappoint.
A contradiction that made me survive.
And it still does.
Something that I'm grateful for.
Gnarly roots stretched endlessly on the ground, pillars of such roots surrounded us.
A ball of fire floated on top of Callon's hand as he led the way.
Two glowing blue lights walked further ahead.
Sero was as indifferent as always alongside his fellow lifeless wandering soul.
Speaking of gratitude.
I glanced at me, myself.
Unharmed, unmoving and alive.
All thanks to a certain variable.
A god's blessing.
Regeneration.
A curse as it also a blessing.
No, it's a blessing.
It's still a blessing.
No matter how much it seems like a curse.
It's a blessing.
Something that I'm grateful for.
Blessings and curses, what is truly the difference between them?
On what basis are they decided?
Which makes your life easier?
My regeneration never did so, it only made it more painful but it made me survive to feel
that pain.
Or is it on the basis of which helps you the most?
Regeneration helped me alot, but not without a price.
It made me appreciate, adapt and learn.
It made me appreciate pain and human nature.
It made me adapt to the changes.
The adaptation seemed subtle yet effective.
My soul was never injured to begin with.
It was a late realisation.
It was adapting to the foreign changes that was engraved onto it.
It was something a human shouldn't have had.
Divinity.
A fraction of it.
It made me learn, learn desperation, learn isolation and it made me to learn how precious a person's self identity is worth.
So, on what basis is it decided?
On what basis is a blessing and a curse decided?
It matters on your perspective.
Anything.
Anything in this world can be considered both a blessing and a curse.
All that matters is how you see and use it.
Seeing it alone isn't enough.
Using without knowing its purpose isn't enough.
I may not have started with the best starts but I can improve.
It's a blessing.
Don't limit creativity just because you have a shallow perception.
Don't limit your potential due to fear.
You're killing yourself by doing so.
You're killing your future, you're killing your future self.
And one day you might look back, back to where it all started.
Nothing will remain from those times.
Only regret will remain in you.
Regret.
Have I ever felt it?
No?
I did.
In that vision I did.
I wanted to trade my legacy for survival.
I regret that.
I became hopeless.
I regret that.
In these moments of regret, something pulled me out.
Something caused me to never stop moving forward.
Curiosity alongside obsession for legacy.
But something helped them.
My regeneration.
Without it I wouldn't have gotten so far.
And I'm grateful for that.
I opened my mouth,my eyes stared at the figure walking ahead of me.
"Callon, have you ever felt regret?"
A question.
A simple question and yet the weight behind it was intense.
His body language remained the same, his voice had the same tone but something seemed off.
Something..
Guilt was apparent in his voice.
In his silence.
That's regret, alongside guilt.
"Yes."
A simple answer.
A simple answer which caused us to be enveloped by silence once again.
However, this silence was more suffocating.
Callon was still the same but now it seemed like something was weighing down on his steps.
I, we didn't continue on with that conversation.
It will do more harm than good.
Everyone has their own struggles.
And sometimes they want help and they want to ask for it but they are unable to do so.
They want to share, they want to relate, they want to cope and finally they want someone who will make them think their life is meaningful.
And some others, despite their struggles never does so.
Doing so will make them seem incompetent and vulnerable.
I am the same.
Callon, too, is the same.
They want to keep to themselves, they want to solve it themselves and finally they want to do it alone.
To prove something.
I'm the same, it's the same way I hate pity and charity towards me.
I understand him.
That's why it is better to leave him be.
Maybe paranoia was wrong this time.
Maybe, considering all of our similarities.
Maybe, just maybe he is someone I can trust fully.
Trust.
I want to trust him but I'm unable to do so.
No matter what he did.
He saved me from that temple, starvation and he will continue to do so.
And I would still doubt him.
Wait.
When did I start to become nitpicky about trust?
What made me do so?
Was it the incident with Elgor?
To be honest, I haven't even spent a week together with him.
That won't make me have trust issues.
So what made me have it?
What developed trust issues in me?
Who are the people I trust in my life?
Cillian.
Cillian and...
No one?
No, not even Cillian.
Why?
He is my brother, isn't he?
So why can't I trust him fully.
Why can't I do so?
Was I always like this?
Unable to trust.
It is a recent development, right?
Right?
No, if it was recent then why can't I remember someone who I have really trusted?
No one.
So, was I always like this?
Yes, I was and still am.
My mind and heart agreed.
And so did I, I have always been like this.
Resignation.
A habit I have picked up recently.
Just as my hesitation and pain is fading, just as new emotions like curiosity and hopes are growing, I gave no resistance.
I resigned to them and accepted them.
Because it's a part of me.
It was so subtle that I didn't even notice it.
It was disguised as paranoia.
Slowly creeping into my mind, filling it with doubts and insecurities.
Trust issues has always been a part of me.
I just didn't notice them nor accept them.
And now I do.
Why? Why did I accept them and not try to change myself?
Why should I change myself for others? And it's a part of me.
Why should I reject them?
I just have trust issues, it's not like I'm unable to trust anyone.
It just takes time..
Will it?
I mean how could a person like me who can't even trust his brother, trust someone else?
A brother who was alongside him on death's door.
Whether through starvation or diseases.
He was always with me.
Despite how much of a burden I was.
I am horrible.
I'm truly horrible.
Will I be able to trust anyone in life?
With that thought, I mindlessly followed Callon.
Lost in thought, lost in doubts, mindlessly into the fog.