So many years have passed, but I remember that day as if it happened yesterday. I will never forget that painful moment when I was in the hospital corridor, with horror in my eyes watching the doctor's mouth. He declared to me that they had done their best, but had failed to save my grandmother.
Everything around me played out in slow motion as I slumped to the floor and stared blankly at one point.
The person I had managed to love — the woman who had been caring towards me and had shown me what family love was — was gone from me so quickly, unexpectedly....
She died, hit by a car by a drunk man....
So what if this man is serving a sentence, if he took away from me the person who was everything to me? I would like him to die a painful death. That's the only way he would pay for his thoughtlessness.
I am now twenty-two years old, and I still can't erase that painful period from my memory. I lost two people then who were everything to me. Not only my grandmother, but also Jackson, when I was forcibly taken by my mother to the car after my grandmother's funeral. I wasn't even able to contact him. I waited for him to show up, but he wasn't coming. I wanted to call him, but my mother snatched the phone from my hand and threw it on the sidewalk to show that he was still Alpha.
My and Jackson's romance was just blossoming. It was only two months when I managed to get him out of trouble. We enjoyed every moment, the places we could visit together without fear of Jackson being caught by the bad guys. It was wonderful. My heart was beating stronger and stronger every day, and pleasant butterflies filled me from the inside. Unfortunately, my first love was destroyed with the appearance of the diabolical mother.
In no way could I contact him. I tried to do it from another phone, but before I could start a conversation, my mother snatched the phone from my hand and broke the connection. When I tried to call Jackson from a pay phone a few days later, he did not answer.
He didn't have any social media accounts, so my first love ended in such a hopeless way, and I keep coming back to it with memories.
Despite the passage of so many years, some part of me still misses Jackson. I believe that I will still be able to meet him.
Maybe I am foolish to live in the past, but I sincerely hope so.
Currently, I'm sitting in the hospital, looking at my mother's suffering face. Since she found out about the disease, her attitude toward me has changed one hundred and eighty degrees. Previously chased away by her like a dog, I am now able to feel her touch as she embraces my hand, grateful that I am by her side.
She is lucky that I have a good soul because another person in my place would have given a damn about her after the way she behaved in the past. She understands she has very little time left. The pancreatic cancer is devastating her more and more, and the subsequent metastasis gives her no chance of survival.
Her days are numbered, and I try to be with her often so that I won't feel remorse if one day she just dies.
Will I cry? I don't know. For the moment, I just feel sorry for her. I can see that she is suffering, but the demon on one side whispers in my ear that she fully deserves it.
- Is everything okay in the company? - Asks my mother in a weak voice, squeezing my hand. I nod, not taking my eyes off her pale, exhausted face.
- The company is doing great. Even better than recently.
- This is to your credit, Alice. I couldn't appreciate you before," she says, and her weak smile reassures me that she now sees me as more than trash.
- You don't have to worry about the company. I'm taking care of it.
Mother shifts her gaze to the ceiling and looks at one point for a long moment. Tears appear in her eyes and flow from the outer corners of her eyes.
- All my life, I have been a monster to you. I judged you for everything, and the only one to blame was me. I know that being on the brink of death now, I have no right to ask you for forgiveness, but.... - My face expresses no emotion when I look at it. - I will die with a peaceful heart because now I know that you will do better in life than I did. You make sensible decisions, Alice. You are ambitious, men are not the most important thing to you, so none will ruin your life. Furthermore, you won't make the same mistake I did.
I feel like telling her that a few years ago I had a man who was significant to me and I wanted to deepen our relationship, but she ruined everything. And it was because of her that I broke off contact with him. Nevertheless, I bite my tongue. She is in a terrible state anyway. I don't need to give her an extra beating.
- I will never let anyone ruin my life. Now I know how to take care of myself," I announce, rising from my chair. - I still have a few things to do in the city. I will visit you tomorrow.
- You don't have to come every day, Alice. I would rather not be a burden to you. You're alone now, and you have many responsibilities, so don't waste your time on me.
- No worries. I can schedule my time, so every day I am able to devote some of it to you. - I feel like adding that she should be happy that I want to visit her at all, but I bite my tongue again. - See you around, mom.
*
I tap my fingers on the steering wheel of the white SUV as I stand at the traffic light. I watch the people who are crossing the lanes. I smile at the sight of a full family. A little girl holds hands with her mom and dad. Dressed in a pink, flared dress and styled in two braids, she looks so adorable that I can't stop looking at her.
In the past, I too dreamed of such a childhood. Unfortunately, it was not given to me to experience it, and soon I will be left without parents. I don't know my father, I've never seen him with my eyes, and my mother's days are numbered.
I'm an adult, but I still wish my grandmother was with me. In the short period I spent with her, I loved her so much that now I would give her everything if she were still alive.
I miss her very much.
I park my car at a nearby store. Throwing the remote control into my purse, I don't notice the person in front of me scaring me by playfully grabbing my shoulders.
- I was supposed to go home, but I think I'll go get some extra groceries. - With amusement in my eyes, I glance at my friend. Kai, who is one meter eighty-five, has the appearance of a model and an angelic personality, smiles cheerfully at me. - I'll help carry your bags, since you caught me shopping while you were at work.
- This is what you will do. Put your bags in the car and come with me. I'll give you a ride around the stores during work time. - I twist my finger, and he hastily leaves the shopping in his car and joins me. - I already know, you bastard, how you get so much food in your cabinets every day.
Kai is a trusted man who, fresh out of college, started working for my mother's company. He is a wonderful designer who creates masterpieces. Both women and men love his clothes. Each design is fresh, extravagant, and unique, and people love it. Including me.
We became friends fairly quickly. I immediately caught a common language with him, and I love that he quite often creates limited editions for me that no one else will buy.
- Boss, don't pretend you don't like it because you eat out all my jelly beans every day. Dwarves don't carry them away.
I rub his shoulder and smile broadly. It's true. Since I parted ways with Jackson, I've developed a new love for jellybeans, which were already going out of my way before. Their taste best reminds me of the moments I spent with my first love.
- And you specifically buy them because you know I will be tempted by them.
- Exactly," he announces enthusiastically.
We walk between the store shelves, and I throw all the things I need into my shopping cart.
- Have you been to your mother's?
- Yes, I'm just returning from her. It seems to me that she looks worse and worse every day. - Kai doesn't say anything. Leaning his elbows on the cart, he looks at the floor for a long moment. - Should we get drunk in the evening? - He is surprised when he lifts his face and looks at me. - Let's just pop out to the club and have a little fun.
- Are you serious, Alice? After all, you avoid such places like a fire.
- I just... I need to forget about everything, at least for a while. The daily routine is already wearing me out.
- Have you been to a club at least once in your life?
- No, but there always has to be that first time," I answer, shrugging my shoulders. I throw the products I hold in my hands into the basket and look with amused eyes at my surprised friend. - What's it like? Are you going to come with me to keep an eye on me?
- Of course I'm going with you. You are too delicate to be in such places without a guardian.
- Good choice," I say, patting him on the shoulder.
*
It's funny that at the age of twenty-two, this is my first time in a nightclub. This place is new to me, noisy and overly populated, but despite this, it arouses curiosity in me.
Initially, I was supposed to have fun only with a friend, but we were joined by a couple — his brother with his wife. Very friendly people, with whom I immediately found a common language. Miranda, who is twenty-seven years old, and Max, thirty years old, as handsome as his brother.
- I go to the bar to order drinks. What do you want? - Asks Kai as we sit at the table. - I say at the outset that the best drinks here are cherry flavored.
- So if you recommend it because they're good, I'll be tempted," I respond, to which he nods. His brother and Miranda choose other flavors, and I look around the interior. It's dimly lit, there are colorful worlds flashing all around, and we're sitting on the second floor, from which we have a perfect view of the dance floor. For a long moment, I watch people dancing to the beat of the music, with the whole world on their noses.
If I get drunk, will I also be able to join them to forget everything?
- Drinks for the coolest people in this club. - Kai puts the glasses on the table. - The waitresses bring us another sixteen.
- How many? - I open my eyes wide, looking at him like an alien.
- Friend, five for each. When we're having fun it's all the way. We need to celebrate the fact that you went out to the club for the first time in your life.
I squint, scanning him with my eyes.
- If it weren't for the fact that I'm nailed down and really in need of entertainment, I wouldn't have suggested it to you in my life.
I taste the cherry drink and have to admit that it is excellent. I don't smell alcohol in it at all.
- How is it, Alice? - Kai asks me, emptying the whole glass in one go. That he likes to drink decently I've known for a long time. - It can become addictive, can't it?
- Here I have to admit you are right. In fact, he is great.
I'm already after my fourth drink when the thought occurs to me that I feel like getting up from the table and getting down on the dance floor. Max and Miranda have long been partying all over, my friend is coquetting with a shapely brunette, and I'm still sitting at the table.
After all, that's not why I came here. For goodness's sake.
I approach Kai, announcing to him that I'm going to dance and that in time he should join me. The boy nods as a sign that he understands, so I go downstairs feeling great as the men mirror me with their eyes. It's probably the alcohol that gives me this strange feeling, but I have to admit that the percentages make me much braver.
I try to stay close to the married couple I know. They smile at the sight of me, having fun all over. I also finally start moving to the rhythm of the music. It's a great feeling when the electronic music rumbles in my ears, and I close my eyelids and dance as if nothing else matters.
Now I understand why people say that a club is the best way to get rid of depressing feelings. I've just experienced it for the first time in my life, and I have to admit that it actually helps to forget everything.
Why didn't I start going to parties earlier? I was wasting my years of youth.
I open my eyes and my gaze wanders to the balcony, which is on the second floor. Kai is still picking up an attractive brunette, and I smile at the sight. I am one hundred percent sure that he is here every weekend and gets girls for one night.
He's a nice guy, he's like an angel to me, but he doesn't hide the fact that he likes to party. No one forbids him from doing so. After all, not everyone is that way to be stuck in one relationship. Everyone leads a different life and no one is entitled to interfere.
I move my gaze toward the stairs and stop moving. Like paralyzed, I stand still as everyone around me spins in a dance. I have no idea if it's a hallucination caused by drinking too much alcohol or the excitement of finding myself in a club for the first time, but I swear I just saw my first love. He is standing by the stairs, embracing a beautiful girl around his waist. He says something in her ear, and his smile is still as captivating as in the past.
As the shock passes, I push my way through the people and walk toward him. I stand a meter in front of him and only then does he notice me. The smile disappears from his face and is replaced by sadness. He mirrors me with his eyes, and I stand like a finite idiot in place and am unable to get a word out.
- What is it, Jackson? Do you know her? - asks the beautiful girl, glancing at my fleetingly.
- No. She just resembles someone I knew in the past," she replies, without taking her eyes off me. - Let's go. - He grabs her hand and walks down to the basement, where the door is guarded by a security guard. The man lets them in without a problem, but when I run downstairs and want to enter behind them, I am stopped.
- Entrance only for people who have a special card," he announces.
A million thoughts pop into my head. I lean my back against the wall, still looking at the security guard with shocked eyes.
Have I actually been ignored by my first love? Has he pounced on me because now I am no longer special to him? He doesn't give a damn about me because he has a sexy chick by his side?
The Jackson of the past would never have acted like that in his life. Is he really the same man?