So many days have passed, and I still can't stop thinking about that night when I went to the club with a friend. Seeing Jackson after so many years gave me mixed feelings, especially when he ignored me and walked away with a beautiful woman at his side.
But... what was I hoping for? I so honestly thought he would throw himself into my arms or start chatting with me like a good buddy he hadn't seen in a long time?
Our breakup was sudden and painful. It's normal that he hates me now. He thinks I abandoned him like trash. He has no idea that I also suffered at that time. I didn't want it to happen, but my mother destroyed our happiness.
It's her fault that my past sucks.
I hate her for wasting my life. I would have preferred that she never gave birth to me since I was expendable to her, but now walking into the room where she lies and seeing the doctors save her, it causes a feeling of horror in me.
Painful memories come back to me when I was in the hospital, waiting for the doctor to tell me what's wrong with my grandmother. Instantly, my heart broke when I heard that they did their best, but were unable to save her.
The sight of my mother dying makes tears gather in my eyes. It scares me to think that this could be the moment when she passes away, and I will be left completely alone in this world. I won't have any family left.
This thought overwhelms me.
A feeling of relief comes when I see that the doctors have managed to keep her alive.
- Please prepare for the worst," a man addresses me, placing his hand on my shoulder, and then leaves the room, followed by others.
I sit down at my mother's bedside, with broken eyes, looking at her suffering face. She may have been a stranger to me all my life, and never showed any care or feelings of warmth, but she is my mother nonetheless. The thought that I might lose her in the coming days scares me, and then I will be left all alone.
I will only have a friend, no one else.
With sad eyes, I look at Kai as he walks inside. He hands me a cup of coffee and sits down next to me.
- I'm sorry, Alice, that you have to prepare for the worst, but your mother is suffering terribly right now, and I think it's better that she finally goes away.
His words sound terrible, but they are true. I realize the pain she is enduring, and somehow I can't say now that she deserves it. Even the worst person can't wish it away. She is my mother, even though she doesn't deserve a medal.
- It's true. I can no longer wish for her to stay alive, although I am panic-stricken by the fact that I will be left without a family. Even though I practically grew up alone all my life, I knew I had her by my side. When she dies... I can't imagine it," I announce, wiping tears from my cheeks. Kai hugs me close, stroking my hair.
- Remember that you have me. You are like a younger sister to me, and you can turn to me with anything. I will always be there for you.
- I know, Kai, and thank you," I reply, placing my hand on his palm. - I'm happy to have you.
*
I love evening walks in the summer. Then I can collect my thoughts and find a solution to any problem. Drinking my favorite cocktail purchased at a café near my apartment, I walk along the bridge looking at the water.
Ever since my mother took me to another city, this has become my daily routine. I fled here every time I couldn't get along with her. She changed her attitude toward me only when she found out that she was seriously ill. She transferred the company and the apartment where she had previously spent time with her young lover to me.
He left her the moment he found out that I would take over everything. She must have realized that it wasn't her he loved but her money, because she wasn't too impressed.
Slurping my cocktail through a straw, I stop somewhere in the middle of the bridge and lean my elbows against the railing.
I force a smile when I recall that at the age of seventeen, I attempted suicide in a place like this. Only that in the city where I lived before, that bridge was definitely smaller, and the water didn't look so threatening.
Now, I would be a complete idiot if I decided to take that step. Back then I was young and stupid, I thought suicide was the only solution to escape from problems and find the peace I craved. But at twenty-two, I understand that there are other ways to find happiness and change my life.
It is enough for a person to have a true friend by his side who can put one's feet up. I, having the support of Kai, know that I can turn to him with any issue, and he will immediately try to find a solution for me.
More than once he has been able to bring me to order rapidly. At his side, I have no chance of giving up. He is always optimistic, and he pours these feelings onto me. As you can see with the result.
I am glad that I was able to meet such a great friend.
I look over my shoulder when I hear a car stopped with a squeal of tires on the side of the bridge. A laughing girl gets out of the sports car and shouts something to the driver. She runs up to the railing, and after a while a young man joins her. I feel a strange grip on my heart when it turns out that this man is Jackson. Dressed in a black t-shirt and jeans of the same color, he is combing his hand through the thick hair that curls around him. Walking towards the woman with a broad smile on his face, he looks incredibly happy.
I shift my gaze to his companion, having no doubt that she is the type of courageous girl who knows what she wants from life. Her long light-brown hair is blown by the wind, and her pearly laughter echoes. Dressed in a white lace blouse and leather skirt, she looks so good that I am jealous of her appearance.
Because of her young-looking face, I am always charming, no matter how sexy I dress. The woman who accompanies my first love was undoubtedly born with this sex appeal.
With sad eyes, I watch them for a long moment, when Jackson accordingly gives her a flick on the forehead, and she slaps him on the shoulder, shouting that it hurt.
Seeing the happy face of my first love, I have no doubt that she is leading a good life.
Abashed, I turn my face toward the water as Jackson catches me watching them. He looks at me over the girl's shoulder, and at that moment I feel like taking my feet by the waist and running away. Just as in the club, I was emboldened by the alcohol and wanted to approach him to talk. So, now I'm overwhelmed by a feeling of panic because that night he ignored me and left in the company of this beautiful girl.
I have no idea if he is still looking at me because I am unable to glance in his direction.
And just now my clumsy side must be showing because the plastic cup with the cocktail slips out of my hand, and I inadvertently lean out behind him as if to grab it. I narrowly missed flying down as well, had it not been for a firm grip around my forearm.
With my eyes wide open, I look at Jackson, who is standing beside me, holding my hand.
- It's wonderful that we are starting to meet in the same places," he declares, and then I shift my gaze to his girlfriend, who mirrors us with her eyes.
- It is astonishing that you speak to me, while last time you entirely ignored me. - Perhaps my words sound a bit harsh, but I can't hide the fact that his behavior at the club hurt me. I shouldn't be reproached for it, since I was the one who treated him worse by his mother, but it's probably a feeling of jealousy running through me.
I watch him carefully when my words cause a grimace on his face.
- So think now how much it hurt me when one day you left me and left without a word of explanation.
I feel as if an unknown knot has squeezed my heart. I don't know how I should explain it to him. He will probably turn the cat on its head and say that surely there was another solution to not treat him like garbage.
- This is what I would like to explain to you because I have been feeling bad about this thought for five years.
- Do you feel bad about this thought? - He attacks me, which causes me more pain. - I also feel bad with a thought. Wait a moment.
With sad eyes, I watch his movements as he walks to his car. He opens the trunk and pulls out a black suitcase. He returns to me, pressing it into my hand.
- This is the money you saved my ass with five years ago. I'm paying you back with interest. Now we are even, and I no longer have to feel bad about the idea that I owe you something," he declares, and clobbers me. - Don't look at me like that. This money was prepared for business, but since there is an opportunity, I give it to you. I hope you will use them well. - Tears gather in my eyes as she looks at me one last time. - You look wonderful, Alice. You must be doing well," he adds, then turns back to his woman. He says something to her, after which they both head for the car. The girl throws me a cool glance before getting in.
Could she have guessed that I had something in common with Jackson in the past?
The sports car drives away with a squeal of tires, and I look at the water with my eyes broken, holding the suitcase in my hand.
This is not how I imagined a reunion years later, but.... what did I expect? That we would throw ourselves into each other's arms?
It's time to return to earth. I can no longer live in the past and wait for my first love. Jackson already has his life, and so should I.
I pull my phone out of my pants pocket when someone calls me. I answer, seeing that it's a call from Kai.
- Hello? - I answer in a snotty voice, and he immediately senses that something is wrong.
- What's wrong, Alice? Why do you sound like you're about to cry?
I choke back tears, tightening my lips.
- It's just... I'm on a walk and I got sad because I see a dead bird.
Kai sighs loudly, then says:
- Where are you? Let me join you.
- It's really nice of you, but tonight I want to be alone. I need to put everything together in my head and think about my life calmly. I'll text you when I'm home, so you don't worry. Furthermore, I promise not to hang around the city for long. I'll be back before it gets dark.
- Take care of yourself, Alice.
- No worries.
- In that case, I'll see you at work tomorrow.
- Yes, we'll see you at work.
I hang up and put the phone in my pants pocket. I walk the way back, dragging my black suitcase behind me.
Likewise, I never wanted Jackson to give me that money. It was my mother's dirt, which I was going to get rid of anyway. His behavior broke my heart.
The past simply had to remain the past. It was over.