That day has finally arrived. I have just attended my mother's funeral.
I'm not sad about her death because the doctor has been telling me to prepare for the worst for a long time, but one thing is certain: on this day I am present only in body.
People I don't know offer me condolences, and I just look at them with a blank stare. They probably think I'm depressed over the death of the woman who carried me away for most of my life, but that's not the case. I am simply, currently, reflecting on my life, on the coming future.
Kai stands by my side, inviting newcomers to the table for refreshments and alcohol. It's good that he's with me and taking care of all these people because I don't feel like it in the least. For mines, no one would have to come here. It would be enough if it were me and Kai. It's just the sympathetic stares of people that drive me crazy.
I'd rather not see anyone, so I have an overwhelming desire to go home already and rest from all this mentally.
I am tired.
Furthermore, I look at the photograph of the mother, wondering if she had lived differently before her illness and didn't treat her daughter like trash, would she then also have been punished with this terrible disease? No one deserves such suffering and loss of life in their 40s, but she has hurt enough people over the years.
I hope her life after death will be different, and she will finally have a chance to find happiness, unless she ended up in hell.... then there is nothing to talk about.
I shift my gaze to my friend, who walks over to me and puts his hand on my shoulder.
- Hold out a little longer, and then I'll drive you home. It won't be long now.
- It seems to me that all these people did not come to say goodbye to her, but just wanted to eat, drink alcohol and gossip. Just look at them," I say in a whisper.
Kai follows my gaze and for a long moment watches the people, who do not show sadness in any way. They are discussing loudly, unable to adjust to the place they are in.
- I shouldn't say this at her funeral, but your mother was quite a toxic person. She couldn't get along with people. I doubt that any of the newcomers had any sympathy for her when she was alive.
I don't know why, but these words make the corners of my mouth rise. Kai brings my soul into my body.
- That is why you are my best friend. You can lift me up," I say, patting him on the shoulder.
- With what? After all, I didn't say anything like that.
- You made me laugh.
The boy looks at me with puzzled eyes, but I don't add anything more. Let him just know that he is my guardian angel.
*
Days pass, and I spend most of my time at the company. I devote myself completely to work, not intending to occupy my head with silly thoughts. There is nothing more important than a steady income to live comfortably and without worries.
On my lunch break, I go to a restaurant to eat. Kai is behind schedule with his design, so I don't take him with me and promise to bring him food to the office.
I enter Hungry eyes and take a favorite table by the window. I placed my order, also asking for a take-out lunch to be prepared. As I waited for the food, I glanced at the window. The sight of a full family still causes a feeling of envy in me. I don't know now whether, at this age, I simply still envy the child of both parents who love them with all their heart. Or the woman who has a husband and holds a sweet little boy by the hand.
One thing is for sure: I just wish I had a family. At this point, that's all I lack for complete happiness.
The waiter brings me my order, and I thank him and get on with my meal. While cutting the meat, my gaze is caught by a couple who occupy the table opposite me. I have no idea if fate could mock me more, but the food stands in my throat as Jackson takes his seat facing me. He is with the girl who accompanied him that day on the bridge.
The hunger is gone. I feel that I am full.
I sip my water, and then he notices me. His intense gaze makes me feel like getting out of here, but I can't keep showing that I'm weak. I pick myself up rather quickly and, ignoring him, go back to eating my meal.
After that day, when he gave me the money, our end came. We are a thing of the past for each other. There's nothing to still be proud of. I am an adult, no longer a wronged teenager who found refuge in his arms.
At one point, I see his new girlfriend heading for the bathroom. I leave the table and head toward the cash register to pick up my take-out dinner and pay right away. On the way out of the restaurant, someone grabs my arm. With wide eyes, I look at Jackson, who is not going to let me go.
- What's the matter? - I ask in a calm voice, although my heart is pounding like a hammer.
- Why have I been showing up in the same places, at the same time as you lately?
I continue to look at him like a fool, not knowing what he means. After all, he was the one who finally ended our acquaintance on the bridge by giving me the money, so why is he hooking me up now?
- There is such a thing as coincidence," I explain, wanting to release my hand from his grasp, but he doesn't let me.
- Do you miss me, Alice?
He gasps at me. I look into his eyes, wondering what he is playing at now.
- I'm listening.
- You miss me, don't you?
The old Jackson wouldn't act like this. I don't know what's going on with him.
- I don't miss you. Besides, we don't owe each other anything anymore. You admitted it yourself last time on the bridge. So we can be passed to each other and continue to live our lives. - I look towards the entrance of the restaurant. - You should go back. Your girlfriend will be concerned.
I'm about to leave, but he forcefully stuffs the jelly beans into my jacket pocket. I open my mouth in amazement.
- You still love them, don't you? - He lets go of my hand and slowly backs away without taking his eyes off me. He grabs the door handle, then speaks to me one last time. - After that encounter on the bridge, I think I realized that I was going to find out the truth behind our breakup because I don't want our relationship to remain just a thing of the past.
He returns to the restaurant, and I stand still, trying to collect my thoughts. What just happened? Does he really want to know the reason I left him? Why has he suddenly changed so much, when recently his attitude toward me was entirely different?
Now that I have come to terms with the fact that we are no longer going to be together, and we are a thing of the past for each other, he is starting to create confusion in my mind.
I don't understand any of this.
I put the food on Kai's desk and lean with my hip against the furniture, not paying attention to my friend. The boy looks at me closely, immediately noticing that something is wrong. He unpacks the food, all the while watching me.
- What's wrong? When you went out to the restaurant, you looked normal. You came back in body, but in spirit I think you are still there," he turns to me.
- I met an old acquaintance," I reply, crossing my arms on my chest.
- An old acquaintance? - Kai looks interested as he begins to eat.
- More precisely: my ex. And this is the third time in recent times. - My friend stops chewing for a moment, looking surprised. - It's been five years. Why did we both move to the same city? Why does the world seem so small?
- Meeting him seems to have triggered feelings in you because you are acting strangely.
I stare ahead, still pondering Jackson's words.
- I just can't figure him out after so many years," I reply, pulling some jelly beans out of my pocket. I see that Kai is looking at the package. - It's because of him that I fell in love with those damn bears.
Kai puts down his fork and stops eating. I look at him puzzled, noticing that he's teased.
- And what's wrong with you? You don't like the food?
- You made me lose my appetite.
I furrow my eyebrows, not understanding what his problem is.
- I wanted to share a thought that's been bothering me, and you're firing back.
- Because now I'm your best friend and I don't want another guy hanging around you, especially your ex. I'm afraid that this will make you pull away from me, and after all, you know how important you are to me," he says in a nervous voice, at which I smile.
Kai is a cutie. He is just jealous. My best friend sulks every time I mention another guy because he's afraid the time will come when I'll push him aside.
- In that case, you need to find yourself a woman, then you won't be so attached to me," I say in an amused voice.
His facial expression now reminds me of the view of an epileptic child.
- I just want you to always be with me. I'm afraid that the day may come when I start to come second," he declares in a sadder voice.
I stand behind him and embrace him in my arms, hugging my face to his face.
- Remember that you are my only family, you are my best friend, and you will always be the most important thing to me. You don't have to fear that things will change. You are the only one I trust, and if I could, I would jump into the fire for you.
My words make me bring a smile to his face.
- Do you promise that things will never change?
- I promise, Kai. What would I do if I didn't have you? You are my guardian angel. - I kiss him on the top of his head. - Remember that, okay?
- I will remember.