I lean against the bridge railing with my elbows. I sigh loudly and close my eyelids, wishing to forget my mother's unpleasant words. Once again, she has vented her anger at me, thinking I am a failure.
Even though I study every day, I am unable to please my mother, who considers herself a perfect woman. She reproaches me for my flaws and calls me a "dimwit" every time. She claims that I inherited the worst genes from my father, making me worthless.
A month earlier, when she announced to me that life is too cruel and weak people don't have a chance to survive, she pointed out that she sees no future for me. I should end my life right now.
I took these words too deeply, so that day I decided to relieve my mother and take my life. I tried to kill myself, but it wasn't my time because a stranger noticed me and jumped in to rescue me. He brought me to the surface and gave me first aid, and when I woke up at the first moment I hoped to see heaven, but even God wouldn't take me in.
Eventually, I ended up in the hospital.
I hoped that at least then I would see my mother's weeping eyes, and she would finally understand her cruel words and wrap me in her care, but reality is too cruel and only added fuel to the fire. Straight to my eyes, she confessed to me that I was weaker than she thought. She hoped that after those words I would take the plunge, not that I would actually try to kill myself. Finally, she shouted in my face that she was ashamed to have such a daughter and would have preferred that I had never been born. Then I couldn't stand it and declared to her that she was the worst mother in the world and should get stuffed with her perfectionism and money, which made her a heartless hag.
At that moment, my words were too harsh, and I knew I had overreacted, but anger took control of me and I shouted everything that had been on my heart for a long time. I ended up getting slapped in the face by my mother and cried.
I'm a minor, so I still have to live with her, so our relationship doesn't look too good. She ignores me and, when walking past me, pretends not to see me at all. Nevertheless, she no longer hurts me with cruel words, and thanks to that I don't feel so nasty.
I rub my temple and plunge my gaze into the water into which I recently jumped to end my life. Now I understand that it was a foolish thing I did by being too emotionally unstable, however, if that man had not saved me, perhaps now only a memory would be left of me.
When the psychologist asked me the reason for my suicide attempt.... I simply lied to him. Although I hate my mother, I was unable to confess that it was her fault.
In fact. I am weak.
*
Dressed in a summer dress the color of powder pink and white sneakers, I move along a sidewalk full of people, with sadness in my eyes watching teenagers accompanied by their parents. I miss it. Like them, I would like to have a normal, loving family: a mom, a dad who would show me love. I dream of having someone to turn to every day. Currently, I'm lonely and don't have a person I can seek help from.
I squat down on the wall and hide my face in my hands as I feel tears gathering under my eyelids. I have had enough. I need someone: someone's closeness and affection to reassure me that I am living for a person who cares about my happiness.
I lift my face and poke my depressed eyes into the couple in love, who, holding hands, are laughing joyfully. They look happy. The girl dirties his nose with creamy ice cream, defending herself from a rematch.
I smile as I see this scene, as the young woman finally falls to the sidewalk. She laughs throatily; she is so amused by her fall that her beloved is unable to help her up.
- I wonder what it feels like to be in love.... - I whisper quietly, resting my chin on my hand.
I don't believe anyone will love me in this life. My mother has hurt me enough, and this has led me to believe that since I have been spurned by my family, there is no chance of me being loved by someone.
I have come to terms with this. Even though I need love, I decided that I can manage in life without it as well; I will show my mother how much I am worth, and without her help I will also achieve something.
Shuffling my feet, I lift my face to the sky and notice that it has clouded over. Somewhere in the distance, it's thundering, so I decide I'll go home. Even though this is the last place I want to go, I have no choice. It's Saturday, so I can't spend another day at school. The thought of vacation scares me. Exams, as well as the end of the school year, are fast approaching.
I stand at the top of the stairs, watching people hurrying to avoid the coming rain. I get the impression that I am the only one who is indifferent to getting wet.
As I jump down the stairs, I look like a carefree child who isn't concerned about his safety. I'm almost at the very bottom when my leg unexpectedly slips off the step, and I fly ahead, guessing that in a moment I will have a painful collision with the sidewalk. However, nothing of the sort comes, as someone grabs me around the waist. He saves me from falling, pulling me safely to himself.
I lift my face and open my eyes wider as I spot a young man. His brown fringe falls over his eyes, with which he looks at me with concern. He has headphones hanging around his neck and earrings stuck in his ears.
- Are you okay? - He speaks up, taking his hand from my waist. - Did you do nothing to yourself?
He watches my face while I feel as if I am stuck in some kind of hypnosis. I get the impression that time has stopped and all I see is him, especially the friendly eyes with which he is carefully mirroring me.
- Are you all right? - He renews the question, smiling warmly at me.
I shake off my momentary fascination.
- Yes, thank you," I reply, still unable to take my eyes off him. - I'm fine," he says.
He nods, then puts his headphones on his ears and bids me farewell with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen in this life. He heads up the stairs, and I look back at him, swallowing my saliva harder.
- Didn't it look like a scene from a romantic movie? - I say to myself in a whisper, feeling a pleasant warmth around my heart.
The first raindrops are falling, and people are starting to run away to find shelter. I'm the only one standing still, still excited by the deed of a stranger. I'm happy because in my seventeen years of life, this is the first physical contact with a boy. And not just any physical contact because at that moment I felt as if I had been electrocuted.
The rain is getting heavier, and I smile broadly and put my hands to my face, getting excited like a child. This is something new to me, wonderful and moving at the same time.
I dream of meeting him again. If a miracle happens, and I accidentally bump into him again, I will believe in destiny and in the fact that romantic movies are not over-colored.
*
Drenched to the bone, I walk into an empty house. I realize that my mother has devoted another weekend to her pleasures, leaving me alone and unconcerned about my fate. This happens more and more often, so I feel like crying again.
I go into the kitchen and take a snack out of the refrigerator to fill my empty stomach with something. I sit down under the cabinet and, staring at a single spot on the wall, I contemplate why exactly this happened to me, that I have such a perfidious and cruel mother. She hurt me psychologically, exhausting me to the point that I gave in to a suicide attempt. At that time, I was particularly weak and fed up with the humiliation and how much I resembled my father.
I had heard a lot about him throughout my life. There wasn't a day that went by that my mother didn't exclaim how thoughtlessly she fell in love with a worthless man who left her with a brat. He toyed with her love and then disappeared without a word to seduce more women. She hated him so much that she transferred all her hostility to me, and I couldn't understand one thing: if she didn't want me so much, why didn't she get an abortion or leave me in an orphanage? Is this what she means? Is this her way of venting her anger at me?
Nothing justifies this. In my eyes, she is a monster, and I'm just waiting for the day when I reach the age of majority and can get away from her.
Forever.
I pick myself up from the floor when I hear the door opening. This comes as a giant surprise to me because I don't believe my mother would give up any plans to spend the whole weekend with me. I am surprised when I spot my grandmother at the entrance. Until now, I have only seen her in pictures and have not had the opportunity to meet her in person.
- Your mother is a horrible bitch, kid. - The older woman's words make me open my mouth in astonishment. - She paid me a surprise visit in San Francisco and told me to come to the address given and take care of you if I wanted to meet you. She announced to me that she was leaving and did not know when she would return.
I plunge my gaze into my grandmother's suitcase then put my hands to my lips and tears appear in my eyes.
- But what do you mean... Did she abandon me? - My face pales, so the older woman comes over to me and puts her hand on my shoulder.
- The fact that she treats you like this is nothing new. When she was pregnant, she completely disconnected from me and I didn't even know what was happening to her. - She shrugs her shoulders and then curiously looks around inside. - You're unlucky that it's your mother. Just like I'm unlucky to have given birth to her.
- Where did she leave? Why so unexpectedly? Why didn't she mention anything to me about it!
- It made my heart ache when she revealed straight to my eyes that she finally has a chance and wants to get away from you.
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I fell to the floor out of helplessness.
Even though I hate my mother, I wouldn't have believed before that she would be able to leave me.
I was wrong.
- You don't even know me.... Why do you want to take care of me?
- Because you are still a child. She hurt you and I realize how you feel, and I also guess how she raised you. You have suffered all these years, haven't you?
I lift my face and look at the older woman with weeping eyes.
- She is the worst mother under the sun and I sincerely hate her," I whisper.
- I will agree with you. Even though I gave birth to her, I have to admit that she's an otter. She didn't even leave you any savings, she said you should become stronger and get to something on your own. How could I give birth to such a cruel and heartless woman....
I wipe the tears from my cheeks with my hands and pull my nose, and then an indistinct smile appears on my face.
- Do you always use such vocabulary?
The woman laughs quietly.
- For many years I lived surrounded by older women, hence the habit. From now on, I will bite my tongue before I say something.
*
With sadness in my eyes, I look at the empty closets in my mother's bedroom. She took everything with her, so only now do I realize that she never intends to return here again. Freed from me, she can finally breathe and start all over again.
Although I'm relieved to a certain extent because living under the same roof with her was hell, she is still my mother. She abandoned me like worthless trash, treated me the same way she has treated me all my life.
I look toward the door when I hear footsteps approaching. The woman looks at me with concern in her eyes, noticing the suffering on my face.
- Don't think about it, child. There's no point in you agonizing over her decision. She is not a mother since she treated you this way. She doesn't deserve your tears.
- What hurts me the most is that I don't have a normal family. I wish like my peers I had a home where my parents would be waiting for me every day. They would show me care and also love. This is what I miss the most. I have never experienced these feelings, so this is what makes me suffer the most.
The woman comes closer and embraces me caringly. I lay my head on her shoulder, and tears flow from under my eyelids.
- I realize that to you, I am a stranger, since you have only just met me, but I promise you that if you gain confidence in me, I will compensate for all these years of suffering.
I pull my nose and put my weeping eyes into the woman's face.
- You are not a stranger, you are my grandmother. At least I know you from the photo," I declare in a hoarse voice, smiling through my tears.
- And I was sure that your mother burned all my photographs....
I smile again, wiping the tears from my cheeks with the top of my hand. The woman puts her hands on my shoulders and smacks with displeasure.
- Your shoulders are bony, you are so thin, it makes my heart skip a beat. Did your mother feed you at all?
- I just didn't usually have an appetite, and when I got hungry, I clogged my stomach with junk food.
I lower my head, looking down at my bare feet with embarrassment.
- So get ready to eat healthy, nutritious meals from now on, and she doesn't even want to hear that you're not hungry.
I nod my head in agreement. I believe that my mother's abandonment of me will change something, and perhaps I will finally start to be happy, although I will at least try to be.