(tw: signs of self harm and abuse)
The next two days pass quickly. Too quickly. So quickly I don't have time to choose a part time job for the next two weeks.
Father leaves early. He doesn't leave a note, because why would he? I'm not that stupid to forget.
Right?
It's five in the morning. I usually wake up at six, but Father's loud movements and the rumbling wheels of his suitcase wake me up sooner.
I get the deck of my tarot cards out from the little bag I keep them in and I shuffle them thoroughly. And what I mean by 'I shuffle them thoroughly' is that I shuffle them exactly one time.
I choose the top card. When I flip it, it's the Lovers card.
I blink.
Then I put the card in my pocket, thinking it represents something else.
Mom always says that she doesn't know why I love tarot so much. She says it ruins the surprises of life. But I don't like surprises. There's a very little chance I'll like them and not knowing makes my anxiety go to a higher level than it is at normally.
As I eat my breakfast (a coffee yogurt) I think about the card I've drawn as the card for the day. Oscar Wilde once said: "Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead."
My garden is flooded, flowers were never planted and sun doesn't exist there.
Since I have a lot of time, I visit a little place in the forest. There's a small wooden hut with a huge back yard behind it. The sound of a nearby river echoes around and a pale person walks out. She smiles warmly. "Hi, dear. What are you doing here?"
"Father left with his class to France."
"Oh really? When is he coming back?"
I sit on the porch and Mom sits besides me. "In two weeks. He left me no money, saying I should learn how to make some."
She frowns. "What an asshole. Did you find anything?"
I shake my head. "No, you know how much of a terrible waiter I am and can't work well in a big collective."
"Yeah, I know my dear."
I look around the place. "Did you add some new trees?"
She grins. "Yes, actually. I planted some pine trees and oak ones too…How about you give readings?"
I turn my head back to her. "What?"
She thinks. "You could give people tarot readings in exchange for some money. You would practice and earn something too."
I can't help but scoff. "Please, who in this small village is going to want a tarot reading?"
"It's Halloween in a few days, so a lot. The town does that two day festival on a nearby meadow where people can have their own things, so you could try there too."
That's not the worst idea, actually. "Hmm…You got a point there."
She smiles at me.
When you're around her, you can't really say: she smiled. She's always smiling. Her lips are curved a little even when she speaks, but it's not a proud smirk. It's calming. It's telling you that even though everythings going to shit, it's going to be okay.
So much warmth surrounds her, even though she's a ghost. Even though you physically feel coldness, her calming aura beats the magic.
"We're doing a herbology project for biology. I got paired up with this guy, he's coming over after school today."
"Oh yeah? Will you need any help?"
"I just want to borrow some books from your library if you wouldn't mind."
"Of course, sweetie. What's the boy's name?"
"Eef."
"Well you have to introduce this Eef to me sometimes."
I laugh. We both know it's not possible, but Mom never lets go of a classical joke. "Yeah, sure Mom. I have to go now, but I can come here after Eef leaves."
"Do you want to sleepover?"
"Is that even a question?"
She fixes my hair a bit (her magic is unreal) and caresses my cheek. "Be careful on your way, love. May Fate follow you everywhere you go."
"Thank you, Mom. May the same be with you."
I leave the small forest and wait for the train. On the way to school I think about the idea Mom proposed. It can't end up that badly, Father won't know…And if I'll want five dollars for a reading, I might get a few people.
For now, I have to survive on leftovers.
In school, Everest runs up to me. "Starting with the project at your place today?"
I nod. "Yeah, we can. How many classes do you have?"
"Seven."
"I have six, but I can wait for you and we'll go to my house together."
Eef bites his lip. "You sure? You don't have to wait."
"It's okay, really." I smile.
He still seems uncertain, but he nods. "Okay. See you after school then." He smiles and goes back to his friend group.
I look at them for a second before quickly walking to my first class.
The day goes terribly slowly. The second class feels like the third, the third like the fifth and fourth one feels too long. When the sixth finally ends, I feel so tired I could lie in my bed and sleep all day.
And then I remember the project.
I feel so tired I could die.
I want to go buy lunch, but then I remember I have no money. I sigh and go to an empty classroom to wait until seventh class is over.
I lie down on a table. I close my eyes. I don't sleep. I never actually sleep. I just…lie down, close my eyes and keep them closed until it's time to open them.
Sometimes I get nightmares, memories from the past that haunt me, even though I'm not actually sleeping. Sometimes it's just nothing. A blank dark space filled with thoughts I don't remember when I "wake up".
So I lie. I lie, I lie and I lie. I lie until I can't tell what's reality and what is not.
I open my eyes just before the bell rings.
I throw my bag over my shoulder and walk out of the classroom. I wait for Everest outside.
It's the last warm day of the year. I take off my jacket, but it doesn't help very much. I still turn my face to the sun and I can feel the rays kissing my face gently.
"Hey," I hear a voice beside me.
I quickly open my eyes and turn to Eef. "Hi."
We start walking down the school's park towards the train station. "Today felt like forever," says Everest while turning his head up into the sky, facing the sun.
I hum in agreement. "Yeah."
"Where do you live?"
"Nearby village, it's really close to the train station and the ride is maybe fifteen minutes."
Now it's Everest's turn to hum.
We walk in silence until Eef drops his bag and takes off his sweater under which he has an orange shirt. "It is so goddamn hot. How are you surviving?"
"I don't have anything under this."
Eef puts his backpack back on and holds his sweater in his arms. "Big mistake. So how was your day?"
"It was really long, honestly. What about yours?"
"Same, just too fucking long. Also, I should probably warn you, I swear a lot."
I glance at him. "Noticed. Don't worry, I do too."
"Didn't hear you say a curse word."
"We literally met the day before yesterday for the first time."
He laughs. "That's also true."
We get to the train station and the train is already there. We get in and sit in a coupe. I sit next to the window and put my bag beside me.
"Where did your dad go?"
I turn to him. "Huh?"
"You said that he's gone and not bothering a few days ago."
And you remember it?
"He went to France with his class for two weeks."
"Oh wow, I wish, never been anywhere but this shithole."
I raise my eyebrows. "Really? Why not?"
"Overprotective parents."
"Ah, the classic."
He leans his head on the window and laughs softly. "What about you? Ever been anywhere?"
"France and Germany. I have my grandparents in France so we visit a few times a year and I've been to Germany for holidays with my…Dad."
"Oh, fun."
"Where would you like to go?"
Eef smiles. "Thought you'd never ask. Greece. Hundred percent. Underlined. Thick font."
I smile. "Yeah? Why?"
"I am a big nerd in Greek mythology. I know I'm such a stereotypical queer but come on. It's so interesting."
I can't help but laugh. I cover my mouth with my hand and look at Eef with raised eyebrows. "A stereotypical queer?"
"Well let's see. I am a bit too much obsessed with Greek mythology, walk fast, can't sit properly and honestly just look at me."
I look him up and down. He's sitting with his legs up, one hand on his knee while he's leaning with his head on the other. I move my gaze to the mushroom earring. "Yeah, the earring speaks."
He shrugs. "Exactly."
"What got you so deep in Greek mythology?"
"It's Rick Riordan's fault, no one else's. Well, maybe my hot history teachers who loved Greek mythology too also a bit."
I nod. "Makes sense, honestly."
The train stops and we get out. "My house is over there, just around the corner, but it's mostly hidden behind trees, so it's not very visible-"
All of a sudden, a pale figure comes out of the forest, smiling at me and waving. Eef can't see her since he's not a witch, but it's still risky going out like this. But I return her smile.
Everest peeks out from behind my shoulder. "It's so pretty here."
My mom mouths: "Is that Eef?"
I say: "Yes, it is."
She mouths: "He's kinda cute."
I roll my eyes.
We finally get to my house. I leave my bag by the couch. "You can wait here, I'll get the books."
Eef sits on the couch and looks around. "You have it so cozy in here."
"Yeah, but it's a pain in the ass cleaning the whole place from dust."
"Oh yeah, I can imagine."
I go to the library. We have a room for books only in this house, which makes sense when you have a perfectionist professor as your father and a herbalist as a mom.
I crouch and search for some books. I take out three of them, two of which are about healing in general and one is an encyclopedia about plants.
I come back to see Eef standing in front of a shelf, staring at a framed photo. I walk closer and drop the books on the couch. I see it's a family photo.
Mom's there, not as pale as she is now, and Father has his big arms around us. He has his publicly acceptable smile on, while Mom has her genuine one.
"You were such a cute kid," says Eef, but I hear his voice only in the back of my head.
I haven't looked at this photo in a long time. I forgot how innocent I looked back then. But the signs are there. Covering my hand on that one spot. Leaning away from Father. Tense under his hand. Rubbing the skin on my fingers.
"Hm."
Eef looks at me and quickly backs up. "I'm sorry, it was rude to just look at your family's picture like that when we just met-"
I shake my head and turn away from the picture with a monotone smile. It's not his fault. "It's okay, don't worry. I brought the books."
I go and sit on the couch next to the books. "This one is an encyclopedia and the other two are about healing in general. What should we do today?"
He sits on the opposite side of the books and grabs one. "We could both each read one book and then tell the other what they discovered. Only if you don't mind me borrowing one, of course."
"No, it's a good idea. They're not that long and it's probably going to be better that way. In which form should we do the project?"
"Professor said that he doesn't care. I think the easiest is going to be just writing everything on a big paper."
I nod. "Okay, sounds good. So you can take the thinner book, I'll take this one. We could also choose which flower to describe. I was thinking we could do chicory. My mom loved it and planted a lot of it in our backyard, and she fed me facts about it when I was small so it will give us some advantage."
"Yeah, we'll do that."
I lean on the backrest and open my book. "We don't even have to readtoo much of it, just the bits about physical healing. Also make notes while reading."
He nods. "Was just about to say that. So…we're done for today? After we read the books we can meet here again and plan out how we're going to put it all together while also writing about the chicory."
I stand up with him. He puts the book in his bag. "Yeah, sounds good. I'll walk you to the train station. Another train is coming in a few minutes."
We walk in silence. At the train station, I smile at him and wave him. "See you tomorrow."
He plugs in his earphones and smiles back. "See you tomorrow."
Instead of heading home, I head directly to the cabin. Mom's already waiting for me there. "Hi, honey. How was your day?"
I sigh and sit next to her on a bench. "It was okay, but really long."
"Did you two figure out the project?"
"Yeah, he borrowed one of your books and we'll both read one, then sum up all the information we got. And then we'll do the other part about chicory."
"Oh, I love chicory. It has so much positive energy and tastes heavenly. I really miss the taste."
I reach for her hand. "I'm sorry."
She laughs. "It's okay, honey, I made the decision myself."
We sit there, not saying a word for a long time. It's not an uncomfortable silence. It's as if we were talking, but in our own, wordless, language.
"He's very cute," she says, breaking the silence.
"Kinda young for you, isn't he?"
She raises her eyebrows. "I don't want him to myself, dear.
I laugh and bend my head down. "Yeah, I know. I can't even make a joke?"
"Not funny, sweetie."
"Okay, ouch, when did you become so rude?"
"When did you become so unfunny?"
I roll my eyes with a smile and sigh. "Yeah…I guess? He's nice."
"Just nice?"
"Just nice for now."
She hums and changes the topic. "Go get your things, you're sleeping over until Father comes back. I'll prepare you a place."
"Okay." I stand up.
In the house, I walk by the photo. I glimpse at it, then turn back and face it at a wall.
I pack some clean things in my bag and also bring all my school things. I don't want to come to the house unless it's important or Father comes back.
A meow comes from behind my back. Without looking, I say: "Hi, Cheshire. I'm going to stay at Mom's for a few days. You'll find me there."
I feel his coldness around my legs. He floats into the air and leans his head against me, wanting pets. I give him a small one behind his ears, then continue packing. Satisfied with even the small pet, he lies down next to my bag and watches me with half closed eyes.
He floats behind me on my way back to the forest. When he sees Mom, he happily runs to her. She catches him and gives him belly rubs. She's the only one who can actually do that. He even hissed at me when I tried to.
"Hi, Cheshire," she says with the baby voice. "Did you miss me?"
I walk into the hut. "I literally saw him going here in the morning."
"That doesn't answer my question."
"Hm, I'm pretty sure it does."
He meows and licks her face. She laughs. "This answers my question. Don't worry, baby, I've missed you too."
I sigh and place my hand on my chest, acting. "I feel so left out~"
But when I sit on a blanket, cold air brushing through my hair, reading the herbology book, surrounded by nature and drinking hot tea while Mom plants trees and Cheshire lies next to me, I finally feel like I'm home.