(hyge tw: physical amd emotional abuse, religous trauma, self harm, self-sabotaging thoughts)
Mom helped us a lot on the project. When we finally presented it, Mr Payne was a bit shocked from all the information we had.
We got an A.
The money we made still wasn't enough to last two weeks, but I simply just didn't eat anything for the last three days.
Father came back soon after I came to the house from school too.
He's in a really good mood today. "I was thinking I'll go buy a Christmas tree after work," he says during breakfast.
"Isn't it too soon?"
"No. Christmas is in a month and a half, I think it's the perfect time to buy one.
When you come from school, you'll help me decorate it. I can buy new decorations too, don't you think?"
I resist the urge to raise my eyebrows. He never buys new things when he still has old ones that aren't falling apart.
"The old ones are old, so yeah, buying new ones could be a good idea," I say and take a bite out of my toast.
"Thank you."
I guess I forgot how it is. I got used to him not being home when I came home. I forgot how his mood switches constantly.
School goes normally. Eef doesn't even go to his old friends anymore, just stays with me most of the time. It feels weird to have someone be by your side so often when they don't have to.
He walks me to the train station. "So your Father is home?"
I sigh. "Yeah, he is."
He smiles. "You don't sound very happy."
"I guess I got used to not having to have the cleanest house in the whole
universe."
Which is a lie. I tried to clean the house every two days so Father wouldn't notice anything strange.
Eef waves me goodbye and the train turns away.
I forgot. It was stupid of me to forget. So stupid. So dumb. So goddamn dumb. I should've noticed.
I go to the forest to talk to Mom for a bit, but since Father is home, I can't stay too long.
"He said he wants to buy new decorations? Is he okay?"
I smile. "Yeah, that's what I was thinking. That trip to France had a positive influence on him."
So dumb.
"I wouldn't test it, dear. Go home."
So stupid.
I see the tree on his car. He still didn't take it inside?
So fucking stupid.
I walk inside on him waiting for me. I know the moment I see his arms crossed. I know the moment I see his expression.
What…what did I do wrong?
His hand flashes across my eyes. It hurts. Like hell. I don't flinch.
"So I didn't ask about how you got your money, huh?" he asks, his tone raised.
I don't bring my hand up to my cheek. It feels as if there was something burning a hole through it, but touching it would be a sign of weakness, which he doesn't like.
"Looks like you already know," I whisper, my eyes pointed at the ground.
"Look at me while you speak," he hisses and grabs my chin. He brushes his hand on the place he hit me at and my eyes start to water from the pain.
"Repeat what you just said."
I feel my throat getting hoarse. "Seems like you already know."
He sharply lets go. "Yes. Do you know who told me?"
"...No."
"My colleague. His daughter was so naive she thought: "Huh, I hate God.", and went to your little reading. She spent three dollars just for someone to tell her that the guy she likes is a rapist."
I should've noticed.
"I had to make money somehow," I dare to say.
"You could've chosen any part time job. And you choose to disgust God? What a disappointment."
He grabs my collar and brings me down to my knees.
"Pray."
I grit my teeth.
"Bow your head down and pray."
My vision blurs.
Father kicks me in the chest, grasps my hair into a fist and crouches to me. "Listen to me."
But before I can, someone runs in through the front door.
Oh no.
"Everest," I say under my breath.
"Lace." His eyes are on me, kneeling on the ground, bleeding from my cheek, Father next to me, his hand raised into a fist.
"Who are you?"
Eefs eyes jump to him. They're full of worry and anger. Also something else, but I can't distinguish what it is.
I crawl away from Father, closer to Eef. I shakily stand up and he takes me by my hand.
But instead of running right away, Eef quickly throws a punch at Father. The sound of something breaking rears through the air. Then Eef turns away, dragging me with him.
I don't even have time to process what happened. But I'm sure of one thing. I'm dead if I ever show in front of Father again.
I still laugh. I haven't laughed like this in a long time, as if my lungs were suddenly freed.
"Follow me," I whisper in Eefs ear and then lead us into the forest.
I run. I don't run straight to Mom, but I run to a place I've been going to ever since Father slapped me for the first time.
There's a small lake. I let go of Eefs hand, sit down and lean above it to wash my face. Blood coloured water streams down my face while I wash it. I sometimes wonder how the lake isn't red yet.
"I-" Eef tries to say something, but I cut him off.
"No, don't." I shake my head. I have known him for two weeks but I know exactly what he wants to say. "Don't apologize."
He stays silent while cold water rinses my blood off. Father had his ring on and it cut a bit of skin off. That will leave a scar.
He started to be more careless…oh well.
"Shit, it's not stopping." I look into my reflection. More and more blood starts to hoard on my face. It looks as if I killed someone.
"Here, let me."
He's whispering. Like that if he was scared that even raising his voice a little could echo in this infinite forest.
He sits next to me and takes out wipes from his pocket.
"Do you have everything at hand?" I try to laugh to ease the situation.
He just hums. "Lay here."
I lay down on my back with my head in his lap. He softly cleans the wound.
I have never seen him this serious. I can't even look him in the eyes.
His touch is so gentle. As if he was worried he could hurt me with even the slightest movement.
"Since when?"
I gulp. "I…I was five."
"Jesus christ." He brushes his hair through. "That…I'm-"
"Don't you dare apologize. It's no one's fault but his."
"Well I know but-"
"And I'm not talking about him."
He blinks. "...Who?"
I shake my head and sit up. "I can't…Sorry. Sorry you had to see that."
He takes my cheek in his hand and continues rubbing the wet wipe across the other. "Well I'm glad I did. You're not going back there, he can't do that to you."
"I know, but Eef, I can't just…I'm not…I'm seventeen. They would take me away somewhere and I can't leave it here."
"Why? You won't be abused by him anymore."
I sigh. "I…just can't, okay? I can't tell you, but trust me, I have my reasons. Good reasons. And my birthday is in five months. I can endure it for five more months if I did for more than ten years. Then…I'll see."
"I'll take you to us."
I laugh. "Sure, your parents are going to be totally fine with that."
"If I tell them-"
"Please, Eef. Don't. Don't tell anyone."
"But why?"
I press my lips tightly together.
Why…?
How would it be to see him suffer for the first time? How would it look like to see him pay for what he did? What would he do? Fall to his knees and beg his god to help him?
I don't answer because a person comes out from between the trees.
Tears stream down from her eyes. She runs to me, caressing my hair. "What did he do?" she asks, voice full of worry and anger.
I back up from Eef and see that the wipe is full of blood. "It stopped. I…" I shift my eyes to the forest. "I don't want to go back there," I whisper.
"You're coming with me."
I look up. "What? No. I don't want to be a burden to your parents."
Eef frowns. He looks offended. "You're not a burden. Did he tell you that? Don't listen to that motherfucker. He's literally dumb. At least for a few days, until he calms down."
I laugh. "Calms down? Yeah, sure."
"We'll…figure something out, okay? It's going to be okay."
Suddenly, he hugs me.
I blink. After a while, I hug him back.
I haven't been hugged in a year, since Mom died. A hug from a ghost can kill you, and Father…well.
"Go with him, sweetie."
I look at Mom. She has red eyes, messy hair and looks twenty years older. Why can't I stay at yours?
"It will be suspicious, dear. Go with him, at least for a few days. Please, baby. I'll let you know with Cheshire if he does something stupid."
I feel the need to cry, but I suck it up and nod. "Okay…I'll stay at yours. But only for a few days. Then I'll come back."
Eef backs up and smiles. "We're gonna tell my parents that you just want to sleep over. They'll be totally fine with it."
I return the smile. "Thank you. Why did you come to my house anyway?"
"I accidentally took your biology book and I thought I would go give it to you."
"You could've given it to me tomorrow at school."
"...Well it is good I'm too dumb to think of that option."
I look at him. His eyes are calm, but his eyebrows are a bit furrowed and his smile is fake. I know because when he smiles genuinely, small dimples show up.
I only caused him problems…
"I'm so-"
He places his finger on my lips. "Nope, you came up with this rule. No apologizing."
I scoff and roll my eyes.
We both stand up. "I don't have almost anything on me. I can't go to school without anything."
"I'll let you borrow my clothes, but I don't know about the school... What I'm more worried about though is if your dad won't go to school at Monday to find you."
I think about it, but then shake my head. "No, he won't. He knows I will return."
He brushes his hair through. "That fact makes me worry even more."
"Don't worry," I say with a hint of sarcasm.
When we come to the edge of the forest, Mom suddenly stuffs something in my pocket. I turn my head to her.
"Your tarot cards, sweetie. You forgot them at my place and you never know when you'll need them."
I smile and bow my head as a sign of thanks.
"Be careful. I'll be waiting here for you. May Fate be with you."
She squeezes my hand and turns around to leave.
"What about your mom?" asks Eef.
Mom stops.
"What about her?" I ask carefully.
"I mean, why did she marry him?"
Mom looks at me and smiles. Then she disappears behind the trees. "...It was an arranged marriage."
"People still do that?"
I shrug. "I guess…She was aroace. She didn't want any relationship and wanted to live alone in the woods while taking care of the nature around her. But then she had to get married, dad wanted a child and he started…hurting…both of us."
"Oh…How did she die?"
"Suicide," I reply simply. I don't add that she did a ritual beforehand that turned her into a ghost.
It leaves Eef in shock. He frowns. "That…was…"
I shake my head. "No, not selfish. She was hurting a lot more than me and she knew Father wouldn't beat me that much as he did her. She had enough. And I don't blame her."
After a while, Eef nods. "It makes sense."
"Yes."
We get to the train station and wait for the next train.
"We wanted to build the Christmas tree today," I say, looking at the passing people.
"I saw it on the top of his car…"
I sigh and snort. "I was pretty excited. Isn't that ironic?" I find him looking at me strangely. "What?"
"He's christian, isn't he?"
Oh. "You heard him."
"I just…heard someone yelling pray. I…What made him do that to you?"
"He found out how I got my money. And he…isn't very keen on magic or anything that goes against his god."
He presses his lips together. "My parents are christian too, but they don't push their beliefs onto others. They're totally fine with anything that doesn't hurt anyone."
I smile. "They sound nice."
"Yes." He smiles. "They'll like you."
"Well, we'll see."
"Lace?"
"Yeah?"
He pauses. "...Nothing."
The train stops and we get out. "Where do you live?" I ask, looking around the town.
"It's not far. Only a few minutes away from school."
"Also," starts Eef while we go up in the elevator, "I have a thirteen year old punk sister. Gotta warn you about her."
"She sounds cool."
"She is, but don't tell her I said that. We have to keep her ego down. Why I'm warning is…She's brutally honest. Most of the time she shares her opinions and…they're not that good."
The elevator door opens. "Hmm, I like her already."
He shakes his head in disbelief and opens the door to his apartment. "Mom? Dad?"
A soft voice sounds from the kitchen. "Hi, love, where have you been?"
Eef closes the door behind me. I start taking off my shoes. "Oh, you don't have to."
I frown. "What?"
"You don't have to take off your shoes."
"Oh…Okay."
I put the half-took off shoe on again.
"Love?"
"I was just outside with a friend." He walks inside the kitchen and turns to me. "Mom, this is Lucien."
She looks up from cooking and smiles warmly. "Oh, hi Luce. It's nice to meet one of Eefs' friends."
I return the smile. "It's nice to meet you too."
"I was wondering if he could sleep over?"
She shrugs. "Yeah, for however long you want to, sweetie. Are your parents okay with it?"
I pause before nodding. "Yeah."
"Okay, then, have fun. But don't forget to learn."
"Thanks, Mom."
"By the way, we're going to go buy a Christmas tree in a few minutes. Are you coming too?"
He glimpsed at me before replying. "No, I'm going to stay at home."
"Okay, love. Can you take care of the rice then?"
"Of course, Mom. It smells delicious," he leans over her and sniffs the air. "What is it?"
"Red beans with rice and paprika."
"Yum."
She laughs and caresses his cheek. "Aren't you sweet? So, Lucien, it's not an American name, is it?"
"No, it's French. My dad is French and I spent most of my childhood there, but then he got a job offer here so we moved."
"Oh, that's nice. Does it mean anything?"
I step from foot to foot. "I think it means something like light? I'm not sure though."
She smiles. "That's sweet. Okay, boys, I won't bother you any more. Tell your sister we're going in a few minutes."
Eef kisses her on the cheek. "Thanks, Mom."
We walk out of the kitchen and Eefs mom yells after him: "Also tell her to clean her room!"
"Okay!"
We walk down the hallway. I look around it. There are many family pictures, most of them taken outside, all of them smiling widely at the camera. You can see they're all taken in America.
Before going to his room, Eef opens the door opposite of his. I can't see a lot, but I see a lot of black. "Mom says you have to clean your room. Also you're going to go buy the tree in a minute, so get ready."
"Okay, now go away."
He starts to close the door, but the girl sees my face through the creek. "Wait, who's that? Finally got yourself a pretty friend?"
He peeks in with shock. "You have never called a boy pretty. Ever. You always call them skunks."
She shrugs. "I'm honest."
"Wow." He turns to me. "Don't worry, she's not flirting, she's gay as shit. But she has never called anyone pretty before."
"I like your hair," she smiles.
I laugh amusingly. "Thank you. I like your piercings."
Eef closes her door with a scoff and finally walks into his room.
I look around. The walls are plain white, but a lot of posters hang on them, pictures, drawings and paintings. A violin lays in the corner next to the balcony door, a light green soft rug takes up most of the room and the bed is full of dark colored blankets and pillows.
"She's nice."
"She's not most of the time."
I laugh. "You got it cozy in here." I nod my head to the violin. "You know how to play?"
He sits on his bed. "Yeah, nine years of torture."
I walk up to one of the paintings on the wall. There's a beautiful woman with butterfly wings kneeling, crying, hugging herself and looking into a green lake surrounded by a dark forest.
"Psyche," says Eef and stands up next to me.
"The Greek goddess of the soul."
"Yes, you know her story?"
"Only that she fell in love with Eros, but Aphrodite was envious of her beauty and sent her on three tasks where she almost died, but Eros saved her."
He laughs. "Yeah, basically. This is her cursing her own beauty."
"You're really good." I smile and take a look at all the other paintings.
"Thank you." I can hear a bit of proudness in his voice.
I walk to the balcony. I'm about to comment on the view when my reflection ruins it.
A pair of two cold eyes stare back at me and under them are two big eyebags. Messy black hair falls in every direction possible. Slim cheekbones where a fresh scar was added.
My breathing gets heavier.
"Where is the bathroom?"
"First door to the left."
"Thanks."
I basically run out of the room.
I lock the door behind me and lean over the sink. My whole body starts to itch. I roll up my sleeves and start scratching my arms rapidly, as if ivy has wrapped up around them and wasn't coming off.
I can't breathe.
I can't believe that Eef saw…everything.
Well, it certainly wasn't everything.
I can't breathe.
What does he think of me now? What does he think of me now? Will he stop? Will it worsen?
I have to be seen as so weak. So, so weak. I can't even handle my reflection. I can't even handle my motherfucking reflection.
I can't breathe.
I can't even handle breathing.
I don't scratch my arms anymore, because they're shaking. Uncontrollably.
I hear people talking behind the door and then the talking stops.
I. Can't. Breathe.
I turn to the sink and turn the water on. Everything's getting blurrier and blurrier, until I can't see anything. Thick fog surrounds me from everywhere, my head spinning around the bathroom.
"Lace?"
Eefs voice is like a sword, cutting through the uncuttable, breaking the unbreakable, healing the unhealable.
"Lace? Are you okay?"
I know I stopped the water. I know I sat down. I know air is finally coming to my lungs. Slowly, but it is.
I don't know how I know. My mind is blank, like a fresh piece of paper. But then there's Eefs voice. Eefs voice, that draws colorful lines and shapes, paints the most astonishing paintings, brings the paper to life.
"Lace? Please answer me."
He's panicking.
I know I said something.
"Could you please open the door?"
I know I moved my hand.
The door quickly opens and Eef appears. He crouches down in front of me, taking a brief look at my rolled up sleeves before turning back to me.
His hands cup my face and he stares deeply into my eyes. "Are you okay?"
Fear is wrapped around his beautiful brown eyes.
"Yes," I say to calm him down.
He shakes his head. "Please don't lie. What happened?"
I blink, tears burning their way out. "I just…I don't know…" Tears start rolling down my cheeks, but he doesn't stop them. He doesn't brush them away with his fingers, just lets them roll down to my neck. He's letting me cry.
He brushes my hair out of the way and smiles at me. His smile is warm, comforting, making me feel things I have never felt before. Calmness. Comfort. Trust.
And something else.
"It's going to be okay. It's going to be better. We're gonna make it better, okay?"
I laugh softly. "And how?"
He takes both of my hands into his. "We'll figure it out."
And then I get my second hug of the day.
I hide my face in his sweater and breathe in. "Thank you," I whisper.
He doesn't reply, he just runs his thumb across my back and caresses my hair. "Do you want some tea?"
I sniff and nod. "Do you have earl gray?"
He laughs. "I love earl gray."
He stands up and helps me stand up too. I sit on the counter while he prepares the tea, wrapped up in a soft blanket he gave me, feeling so much better.
I know he saw. He saw the cuts, the scars, the scratches. But he didn't…leave. He wasn't disgusted, didn't yell…He actually hugged me.
We spent the rest of the day playing video games, sipping English tea and when his family came back, I helped them decorate the tree.
I almost always end up being hurt when decorating the tree with Father. Always beaten up for not placing the decorations correctly, for making a mess, for not being perfect.
But instead of fear I felt…normally. Or at least the normal normal. The normal everyone else experiences.