(huge tw: physical and emotional abuse, violence, self-sabotaging thoughts)
I walk into the school with Eef next to me and no backpack on my back.
I borrowed his clothes which are a bit loose on me, but he didn't have any spare things for school, so I get prepared to be yelled at by the teacher. But then the counselor walks into the classroom and calls me to him.
"Lucien, your dad brought you your school bag and left you a note in it, but he had to go to work. I got it in my office, come get it."
I blink and turn my head to Eef. He raises his eyebrows but I just shake my head and go with the counselor to his office.
The school bag is full of books for the whole week, but instead of going back to the classroom, I go to the bathrooms. I close myself in a cabin and open the envelope that was resting on top of the books.
He even put it in an envelope.
I open it and inside is a small letter. The only sentence there is: "I expect you to be home by the end of the week."
That's…the nicest thing he has ever done.
I return to the class and sit to Eef.
"He brought you your backpack," he says with a frown.
"And left this note." I hand it to him and his eyebrows furrow even more.
"What the actual fuck?"
I take the note back and put it deep inside my bag. "I have no idea…I'm going back today."
His eyes soften. "You sure?"
I nod. "Yeah, I have to return. And…I wonder. About what he's going to be like now, after you saw him."
"Do you think he'll change? That he'll stop?"
I know Eef wants to know my thoughts, but right now, I don't know what to even think. So I simply reply: "Only Fate knows."
And oh, does He fucking know.
When we get to Eefs' place, I pack up and he walks me to the train station. "I don't want you to go there," he says while I get in.
I don't too.
Instead, I smile comfortingly and wave. "I'll be okay, don't worry. See you tomorrow."
He still doesn't seem satisfied, but there's nothing he can do about it since the train started to go towards its next stop. "See you."
I don't go to the forest, but Cheshire feels my presence and follows me home.
The tree is still on the top of the car, though almost four days have passed. He…didn't go to work?
I slowly open the door and peek inside to see him spread out on the couch with an almost empty bottle of whiskey.
I pause under the doorframe. He has never gotten so drunk. Not even once. He sometimes filled a small stamper with vodka or whiskey or some other kind of alcohol, but never…so much.
I take a deep breath before coming inside and closing the door silently. "F...father?"
He doesn't answer, but his chest rises up and down while his head hangs down from the side of the backrest.
I get closer and put my backpack down quietly, not to wake him up. He smells as if he hadn't showered at all in those four days, and alcohol is dripping from his mouth.
I sit next to his face, taking a long look.
I haven't had the time to look at him like this like I do right now.
His hair is getting a few silver strands in it and wrinkles that have always been there deepened. His pale dry lips, big nose, small eyes, thin mustache and slim face look older than 44.
Life left visible scars on him, like She did on everyone. But while his are made by Life, mine were made by him and there aren't many differences, only that the ones made by him burn more because they didn't have to be made.
He opens his eyes.
We stare at each other for a moment before he grabs my arm. I get ready for the worst that's replaced with something I never thought would happen.
"I'm so sorry, Lucien," he whispers in a hoarse voice, tears starting to glow on his eyelashes.
The scars he's touching with his hand suddenly begin to ignite. The flame expands with each scar, lighting my whole body on fire.
I quickly back off, the heat making me sweat.
I know this is the alcohol speaking. It's not him. But the words coming out from his mouth are like water, putting out the flames.
"I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't want to. It was all an accident, I'm sorry. Forgive me, Lucien, please for the love of God, forgive me."
I close my eyes and sigh tiredly. As he continues to cry, I sit back down and I run my fingers through his messy hair that's always insanely cared for. "It's…okay."
"Do you forgive me, Lucien? Please?"
I nod slightly. "Yes, I…forgive you."
I caress him as he goes on and on with his apologizing until he falls asleep again. Then I lift the rest of his body on the couch and give him pillows and blankets.
I put a bucket next to him if he were to throw up and put a glass of water on the table if he woke up and was thirsty. I also place a cold towel on his forehead and stare at him for a long time.
I rub my eyes and run my hand through my hair. Not what I expected to come to…
I go upstairs to my room where Cheshire is waiting for me. I do all my homework while music blasts into only one of my ears so I could hear if he moved downstairs.
In the middle of an English essay, I get a message from, Eef.
how did it go with your father?
I wait for some time before replying.
It was okay, you don't have to worry :)
okay…
I smile at his reply and then sigh and get back to the essay.
Father wakes up with a massive headache in the morning and spends the whole day in bed, taking the day off from work. I stay home too, to take care of him.
I make him tea, I hold his bucket when he throws up, I cool down his whiskey fever and do homework at the same time.
I text people from my classes to send me what they did and I try to understand the new curriculum. While doing all of that, I forget to message Eef and tell him why I didn't come.
In the evening, Father finally feels better.
Or unfortunately?
"Why did you skip school?" he yells as I shrink on my chair.
"I…I wanted to take care of you," I whisper.
"You just wanted an excuse to not go to school, aren't I right? You saw a chance to be even a bigger disappointment and took it."
Before he gets to slap me, I quickly say: "Your ring."
He stops. "...What?"
"The…the last time you hit me, your ring left a small scar…"
He gulps and looks sharply at his raised hand. "Is…is it visible?"
I shake my head. "Just slightly."
He firmly takes the ring off and shoves it in his pocket. Then he hits me, as if nothing happened.
He storms out of my room and slams the door behind him.
I sit still and look at the door. I stay like that for a few minutes, my cheek burning, my eyes too.
Cheshire suddenly meows.
I turn my head to look at him. He's calmly laying on the windowsill, looking at me with glowing white eyes.
"Meow," he says and blinks slowly.
I sigh and sit next to him. While I pet him on his head, I look outside at the forest. I can see the little place with the lake and Moms hut.
Without thinking, I open the window and climb out. As I run to the lake, Cheshire flows like water beside me.
I get to the lake and crouch in front of it. My reflection stares back at me, with tired eyes and messy hair.
"What did I do wrong?" I whisper to myself and lie down. I hug my legs, tears slowly falling on the freezing grass.
It's cold. It's the middle of December, after all, and I'm not dressed well enough. I cough into my knees, my body shaking.
"Luce?"
A soft voice rings out from the darkness of the forest. Then a glowing figure appears, hiding the darkness behind her.
"Mom."
She walks to me and caresses my shoulder. "Again?"
I nod.
She sighs. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't be. It's okay."
But…why?
"Do you need anything?"
I want to say no, like I did until now. But then an answer breaks into my head. A hug.
To laugh.
To feel okay.
I need…Everest's company.
I can't lie to her, so I dont reply. "Mom…why?"
She blinks. "I…I don't know, sweetie. If I did, you would be the first one to know."
"I just…Don't get it. He hit me just because I didn't go to school because I was taking care of his drunk ass. Just…why? Why can't he appreciate me?"
Why do I have to be such a disappointment?
A sound of bushes rubbing against the ground and branches breaking echoes through the forest. Suddenly, a tall person muffles out from behind a tree.
Eef blinks. "I…sorry, didn't want to disturb."
I frown and sit up. "Eef? What are you doing here?"
He comes over and scratches behind his head. "You didn't reply to my texts and I got worried that…your dad abused you again. I went to your house and saw his car, but didn't see you, so I thought that maybe he did do something and then I remembered this place but then I saw you talking to yourself and…Yeah, I'm sorry."
I have to smile at the absurdity of the situation. "No, it's okay, you didn't disturb anything. I was just…He hit me again."
He sits next to me. "Where?"
"Just on my cheek."
"Hurts?"
I shrug. "A little."
Nothing I'm not used to.
He silently looks at me, shifting from my cheek to my eyes. "No ring this time?"
I shake my head. "I…told him."
"What?"
"I told him to take off his ring."
He bites his lip and sighs. "You don't want anyone to know, right?"
I rub my eyes and nod. "Yeah. It's more like a reflex than anything…It feels wrong not to tell him about something that could cause harm."
"He causes harm!" Eef yells out and spreads his arms.
I look down at the grass.
"Sweetie?"
I look up to the side at Mom with a question in my eyes.
"You want to tell him, don't you?"
I frown. "How did you know?"
"Know what?" asks Eef.
My Mom caresses the cheek Father hit me on. "I feel it. Do you trust him?"
"I'm…"
I look at Eef. He has a puzzled expression on his face that makes me laugh. "Yeah," I finish my sentence, "but I don't know if it's a good decision."
"Ask your tarot cards then."
I hum. It's not a bad idea.
I take out the deck from my small bag and start shuffling them. Eef looks at me with confusion. "What are you talking about? What are you doing?"
"You'll maybe see."
"What?"
I honestly can't blame him for being confused. "Don't worry about it, just wait for a minute."
While I shuffle the cards, Mom eyes them up and down. I ask in my mind: "Can I trust Everest?"
I spread the cards out on the grass and close my eyes while my fingers search for the right energy.
After a minute, I frown. I can't…feel it?
My fingers wander around but they don't feel the energy that usually wraps around my hand. After searching for more than a few seconds, I finally feel it. It's not as strong as most, but it's something.
I take the card and flip it around. High Priestess?
"What does it mean?" Eef asks, even though he doesn't know what I asked.
"Mostly knowledge and intuition…"
"The cards are telling you to trusty ourself," whispers my Mom.
"Yeah…"
I look up and stare at Eef for a long time, not saying anything.
I then sigh and smile. "This is gonna sound fucking unbelievable and I will totally understand if you'll just leave and never talk to me again, but I'm a witch."