(trigger warnings: self harm, suicidal thoughts, mental health topics)
"So how will it work?"
Eef is sitting behind a round wooden table in Moms kitchen while I swing my legs, sitting on her counter and drinking tea. I'm wearing simple villager clothes: brown pants, white shirt, dark coat and leather boots.
"You'll see. This tea is for us not to fall apart during teleportation."
Eef closes his mouth for a second, staring into his cup. "It's a potion, isn't it?"
My Mom laughs as she lights twelve candles that are laid on the floor in a circle. "He's smart."
I nod. "Yes, to both of you."
"What did she say?"
I shake my head and jump down. "Don't worry about it. You drank it?"
"Yeah. It was actually pretty good, even though it was a potion."
"Who said all potions have to be disgusting?"
He purses his lips. "You got a point there."
Mom stands up and cracks her back. "Should've killed myself sooner, my back wouldn't suffer so much."
"You can't feel anything," I say with raised eyebrows.
"But my back still crumbles."
I hum and stand next to her. "You have the books?"
"Yes, don't worry sweetheart. Do you have everything you need?"
"Yes, I think at least." I look at Eef and sigh. "Let's go."
He stands up and gets into the circle with me. I take him by his hand and close my eyes.
"Ready?" Mom asks us.
I grunt. "Yes, just quickly do it."
"Eef?"
"Are you ready?"
"As if. Let's go."
"At least you won't feel an itching pain through your whole goddamn body," I mumble under my nose when it comes true.
I squeeze Eefs hand and put my other hand on my chest, bending over from the pain. My magic burns a hole into my chest, right through my heart and soul and flows into my limbs.
I can hear Moms whispers and Eefs confused yelling in the back of my mind.
"Don't let go of my hand!" I scream as the wind rises and shuffles my hair, the candles now rising to the sky.
"Okay!" he yells back.
The pain lasts a lot longer than last time. When we finally arrive in Liadel, I fall to my knees and breathe out.
We're in a dark alley, the warm voices of people coming from the main street echoing from the walls.
"Lace? Lace, are you okay?"
Eef crouches next to me and I laugh it off. "It's normal. When teleporting, magic basically bursts out, trying to get out."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Don't know. Didn't want you to worry, I guess."
Even though I can't see his face, I know he rolled his eyes just now. "Can you stand up?"
"Give me a few more seconds."
He nods and stands up. After a minute, I follow him.
He's looking around, his eyes widened. "It looks so magical here."
I don't look at the scenery, but his face instead. His eyes are glowing with interest and amusement, pink lips parted, dimples showing, hair shining, unusual clothing standing out.
I realize that this is the time that he actually believed. He could've been unsure, thinking I was lying and all of the floating things were just tricks. Now, when he got teleported to a whole nother world, he got a reason to believe.
Now he's aware. And he takes it so…calmly.
"How do you feel?" I ask.
"Shouldn't I be the one asking?" he replies, still turning his head in all directions.
I smile. "It's not me whose world just did a three sixty."
"It's not me who felt like they were gonna die from pain."
"It wasn't that bad."
He finally looks at me. "Im…kinda stressed but okay," he answers after a long pause. "The whole vibe of the place beats the stress."
I move my gaze away at all the magical people. Elves, fairies, witches, dragons and all the others. They're buying things, negotiating about the prices, talking while sitting on wooden benches underneath trees that bloom with colorful colors, mermaids swimming in the fountains, sirens using their beautiful voices to attract buyers.
"Yeah…it does. Let's go, we need to buy the dresses and you less…striking clothes."
He nods, but it doesn't look like he heard me, so I tug on his sweater and lead him to the nearest sewer.
The mistress smiles at me. "Oh, Luce, hi. What are you doing here? Came to the ball? And who is this handsome fella?"
She winks at Eef and sways her hips on the way to us. His face redens a little bit.
I subconsciously move closer to him. "Hi, Sun. Yeah, we're going to the winter ball. We need two dresses and some simple clothes for him."
She eyes me up and down and raises her eyebrows. "Okay, but you still didn't tell me who this is. You've always been a lone wolf."
Eef bows his head down and kisses the back of her hand smoothly. "Everest. I'm his friend."
She giggles. "Oh, what a gentleman. Human?"
I frown. "Yes. How much is it gonna cost?"
"Hmm…well of course we could-"
"Sunnei," I warn her and she sighs.
"Okay, okay. About three golds."
She turns away and disappears behind the curtains to the back room.
"Is she an elf?" Eef asks excitedly and I nod.
"Yeah, and a very sly one, I have to give her that. I've been buying clothes here since I was maybe eight."
"You have been going here since you were eight? Going through…that pain?"
There's a bit of worry in his voice.
"The pain gets bigger with age, together with magic. The pain is caused by the magic thinking it died and wanting to go to Fate and court, but the tea I drank prevented me from exploding."
"Huh. Why did I have to drink the tea too then?"
"You're a normal human. Even the smallest teleportation could kill you."
The realization hits instantly. "You could've just…killed me?"
I scoff. "Why would I do that?"
He narrows his eyes at me, acting suspicious. "How would I know what you witches have planned for me. Maybe you want to sacrifice me to Fate or something."
I can't help but laugh. "Sacrifice you to Fate? Please, he would rather use a witch than you."
Sun comes in with two dresses and some clothes. "That's true. He hates sacrificing humans. He mostly uses powerful animals."
"Yeah, sacrificing a human would be basically useless."
"Don't take it personally though."
We both stare at him and he shrinks. "Why did I have to bring up sacrifices?"
I shrug. "I don't know. Do you have the dresses?"
Sun nods and hands them to us. "Go try them on. But remember, you can't see each other in them before the ball, or something bad will happen," she says with a haunting voice.
"Wait, why? What will happen?"
I roll my eyes and take my dress to the dressing room. "She's making it seem like a big deal. There's this superstition that if a person is seen in their dress before attending the ball, Life's season servants will send a curse towards you."
He gives me a skeptical look. "That sounds like bullshit."
"Yeah, but Fate is a bullshitter, so I would be careful. Just try the dress on if it's not too tight."
"Well I wouldn't complain if it was," Sun smirks at Eef.
To my horror, he blushes.
I bite my lip and quickly disappear behind the door to the changing rooms.
I sigh and look at the dress in my hands.
It has a mix of dark blue cloth, gold star shapes and lines on edges and white drape hanging down from the off shoulder sleeves with a wide skirt that's parted from the corset by a dark and thin ribbon. On earth it would be called an impossible masterpiece, but here it's an ordinary dress made by an ordinary sewer.
Still, when you're used to everything being…basic on earth, this dress takes your breath away.
I put it on, but I find one problem. It fits me like a glove, but it has short sleeves. The drape hides most scars, but definitely not all.
I take it off and wrap it back in the bag. I walk out to find Sun staring at me with a small smile.
"You like him, don't you?" she asks and leans on her dark work table.
The statement takes me by surprise. "What? No? Why'd you think that?"
She snorts. "Please, I saw the look of jealousy when I flirted with him."
"Then you must've seen wrong," I say and put the dress down next to her. "Could you make the sleeves long?"
"Why? You're gonna be cold?"
"It's called winter ball for a reason."
She gives me one more look before taking the dress in her hands and taking them with her to her office.
Eef walks out shortly after me. He's wearing a brown shirt with black pants and a coat. "Looks like they fit well."
He nods. "Yeah, they do. But the dress? It's so fucking beautiful, like earth could never."
I laugh and have to agree. "You're very right."
Sun returns back with my dress. "Okay, made them longer. Oh, you're already out? How do the clothes fit?"
"Okay. What did you make longer?"
I shoot her a warning look, but she doesn't notice. "This poor thing will be cold so he asked me to make the sleeves longer."
I look with a bit of worry at Eef, but he doesn't give it a second thought. "Oh okay. I don't get cold easily, so I'm okay."
She sits up on her desk and taps something to the cash register. "That will be exactly five golds."
"Didn't you say three?"
"Yeah but making the sleeves longer took time."
I roll my eyes and give her the five golds. "It literally took a second. Okay, let's go. We still have to buy masks."
I drag Eef out before Sun can ask for his number. "Glad to serve you! Bring Everest with you next time too!"
"If there will be a next time," I mumble and throw the dress over my shoulder.
"She was nice," says Eef with so much innocence I have to laugh.
"Yeah, sure, nice. That's the word. I know a good place for masks, come. There's also a nearby inn there."
I quickly start walking across the main street and he catches up with ease. "How do you know?"
"Me and Mom went to these balls before she died."
"Oh."
I turn swiftly and walk into a shop. The bell above my head rings and a small dwarf peeks out from behind the desk. "Welcome, welcome," he says in a high pitched voice. "Did you come to buy a mask?"
I nod. "Yes, thank you."
The dwarf walks from behind the counter and we actually see its two dwarfs stacked on each other.
Eef burst out laughing and the dwarfs frown. "Something funny, youngster?"
"I am so sorry," he says while crying.
"I'm sorry for him, he's human," I explain. "Can we look at the masks?"
"Ah, of course. Come, come."
I elbow Eef in his hip as a sign for him to stop laughing. "You're so disrespectful."
He wipes his imaginary tears and follows the dwarfs with me. "How could I predict there were two of them?"
"You saw fairytales, didnt you? At least don't howl like a wolf."
He lets out one last giggle and turns to the stand with masks. I do too, taking them in my hand and examining them.
I end up taking a golden one with white stars drawn on it. Eef takes a clear white one with yellow flowers.
"One gold, misters."
"Ten dollars for one?" Eef mutters.
"Yeah, everythings expensive here."
"Expensive?" yells one of the dwarfs, offended. "We sell masks with the lowest price in the whole world!"
I put the one gold on his desk and take the Columbine masks, putting them in my bag. "Yeah, because Liadel is as big as a town on earth."
"Well-" the dwarf wants to argue more but the other shuts him up.
"We got the money, were not responsible for the world's reputation."
The first dwarf frowns and turns to his friend, opening his mouth to fight about that statement.
I take Eef by his hand before they start to breathe fire. "It was just getting interesting," complains Eef.
"Oh, believe me, it would've never ended. Let's go to the inn before it turns dark."
The sun is really starting to go down. I drag Eef out of the shop to the nearby inn. The sudden hot air breathes into my face.
The flames are bursting out from the fireplace, dangerously near to the wooden floor. The voices stop for a second when we come inside, but they start talking again when I quickly shut the door.
Eef looks around with amusement and follows me mindlesly.
I put the dress on the bar stool next to me and lean over the table to the innkeeper, her green skin glowing in the dim candle light. "Do you have a room left?" I say in a louder voice to yell over the people.
"Yeah. One or two beds?"
"Two please."
"Okay, would you like anything to eat?"
I turn to Eef. "Are you hungry?"
He snaps back into reality. "Fuck yeah."
"Okay. What do you serve today?"
"Uh, we have lamb on wine with potatoes and tea."
"Two portions then, please."
She spins around, her long ears following her. "Comin' right up."
"Thank you."
I sit up on the bar chair and breathe in the old air. I just now realized how I missed it.
"It's…beautiful," Eef says breathlessly and sits next to me, resting his arms on the bar.
"I know…"
The food comes and I pay for it and the room. Eef doesn't even swallow, as if he was breathing the food in. I enjoy it a bit more.
"It's delicious," he says with his mouth full to the innkeeper and she grins.
"Thanks, human. The wine is from the eye grapes, so it's very high quality."
He stops with the wooden fork full with food halfway to his mouth. "What?"
I place my hand on his shoulder and smile. "It's exactly what you're thinking of."
He looks at his fork and then shrugs. "It's good at least."
I laugh and take a sip of wine I also ordered. Its bittersweetness rolls on my tongue and I close my eyes. "Don't worry, it's like normal grapes but they have stains on them that make them look like eyes."
He hums, talking more to the innkeeper.
The smell of food and alcohol, the mumbling voices, the dim light and comforting atmosphere makes me fall asleep. I wake up with my hands on the bar and my head resting on them.
I open my eyes slightly and find Eef looking at me. The corners of his mouth are lightly curved, his eyes soft as ever. "Tired?"
"As shit," I reply with a yawn and get up. "For how long did I doze off?"
"Just a few minutes."
I stretch and rub my eyes. "I think I'm gonna go to sleep. You can stay here for a little longer if you want, just try not to get killed."
"How sweet," he says sarcastically.
I shrug and get down from the stool. "You never know."
He just shakes his head and stands up too. "I'm going too. Not risking getting killed without you."
The innkeeper gives us the key to our room and I lock us in.
The room isn't very big, the two beds so close to each other they could be considered one. I put the dresses into the closet. There's also a small balcony through which the setting sun is visible.
Eef opens the door and walks out, breathing the cold air with closed eyes. "If this comes after death…"
"Then you'd be very lucky," I complete the sentence as I sit on the bed. "It's true that servants live here, but they work most of the day. You can end up near here, working in one of the shops or guarding a nearby river. But servants come here to sleep, nothing else."
He leans with his back on the railing and frowns. "But those people who were buying everything…"
"They came here like us, teleportation," I explain and stand up and then lean next to him.
"Huh…Afterlife is weird. You live, you work. You die, you work even more."
"Yeah…but when you think about it, it makes sense. What is life?"
"...It's different for everyone."
I agree. "Yeah, but what is it? For someone it could be living, for someone dying. But overall, it's a reality. A reality someone can accept, someone tells themselves they don't have to. And they're right, partially. But then there's an afterlife. What is an afterlife?"
"Another reality?"
I shake my head. "Actually the opposite. It's a concept. An undeniable one. Everyone has one. Everyone has an idea of an afterlife. Some say there's nothing, just like before you were born. Some believe in heaven and hell. And this world, Liadel…it's a reality. But unlike life, it's undeniable. It can't be referred to as the afterlife, more like…Imagine life is a stick. Dying is breaking it. Now you have two."
Eef thinks for a few minutes. "But you can break the two sticks into more sticks."
"Yes, exactly. But it's still made from one stick."
"So…Liadel is one of the sticks?"
"No, Liadel is the arms breaking the stick."
His eyes light up when he gets it. "Oh…but how does it go with everyone working so hard in the afterlife?"
"You have to work to break the stick. Afterlife can't be denied, even to someone else."
Eef is silent for a very long time. I let him think, turning around to look at the last sun rays disappearing behind the buildings.
Wind starts to build up, brushing my hair softly. I close my eyes and smile.
"You didn't want longer sleeves because of the cold, did you?"
I swiftly open my eyes and my smile disappears as fast as it appeared.
Of course he knows. He saw them.
I look down at the people walking around. "Can we…not talk about it right now?"
"Of course, Lace. We'll talk about it when you're ready, or we don't have to. Just know that I care, and that I'm always here for you."
My eyes start to burn and I start to laugh. "Eef, I'm fucked up, and there's not a lot you can do. Telling me this won't change it, because I don't believe it. Even if you showed me you cared for me for I don't know how long, there will always be this voice telling me: What if? What if he wants to break your heart? What if he doesn't care? What if he leaves, like everyone did? And I really doubt I'm ever getting rid of it while still staying…alive."
My voice breaks and a tear starts rolling down my cheek, dripping on the road down.
His voice is hoarse too. "Then tell me, what can I do?"
"I don't know, Everest! To know I'd need to know what is wrong with me, and I really don't. I don't know what I could've done to prevent it! If I knew, I would've done it, even if it was killing myself, Eef. But that wouldn't have helped me. Because to kill myself, it needed to happen, and after killing myself, I would end up here. With all the memories, all the scars, all the thoughts. Afterlife is unchangeable. And I can't end up here with the shit I had to go through. I can't have it for the rest of eternity," I whisper and hide my face in my hands. "But I don't know how to get rid of it."
I sob silently when he gently takes me into his embrace and rubs his finger across my back. "It's gonna be okay, Lace. We'll figure it out together."
"You said it a million times already, but the voice just keeps getting louder and louder…"
"I know, but I mean it. It may take a long time, but I won't let you get here without getting rid of the shit."
He takes my face into his hands, pushes my hair away and kisses my forehead.