Love is complicated.. love's destructive, and wow. It actually is.
Flash
A thunder clapped loudly, so loud that it felt like it was just behind me, but that's not what I care about right now. Here I am, leaning against my car, hands in my pocket.
Looking up into the sky that's pouring like there's no forever. It has been raining so much lately.
I stood up straight and pushed back my hair. My head has already started to ring from all the things that I've been thinking about.
He has great timing. Yeah Haruki, even after all that, I still can't help but think about him. Even though it hurts, I can't stop myself.
It's fine, love isn't the reason why I'm thinking of him right now because all I have left for him is hatred.
I opened the front seat of my car and got inside. I'm all wet from the rain, and the inside of my car's getting wet too.. but I don't really care. I just wanna go home.
I drove while looking at the streets, now isn't the time to let out my emotions. People can't see me like this, I just can't. If they did I wouldn't be able to have a face to live.
The tears that started to form in my eyes are blurring my eyesight. I quickly wiped it off. Control.
When I finally got home, I walked straight to my room. The bed that I left when I woke up was still messy. I didn't even bother changing clothes, I'm too tired. I laid down my bed and got hold of a pillow.
I'm feeling so many emotions right now that I don't know where to start to calm myself.
Before I knew it, I was already punching that same pillow I took, but soon hugged.. it? I can't understand myself. I imagined that it was Haruki. I hate him but knowing that I used to love him hurts even more.
Loving the wrong person hurts.
Love itself, hurts.
Love is confusing.
Love is..
What even is love?
After my mother died I felt numb, well it's because I've never learned to love her. But still, she was my mother so of course I still felt something for her. I'm not a monster after all.
But Haruki, the one that I unfortunately loved, thought me love.. leaving me right after? What a big surprise.. He was the only one I had left. The one I loved most, even more than my mother and this is what I get?
I just wish that time would stop. That everything would change. That I could've spent more time with mom and never met Haruki. That way.. that way I wouldn't be hurting this much right now.
I stopped embracing the pillow since I felt that it was wet. I thought that it was because of my hair but it seems to be coming from my eyes. Tears are forming non-stop and are continuously flowing out of my eyes. I didn't even notice it.
I took a deep breath and sat upright on the side of my bed. Remembering something important from the past.
--"Kaede, my child. You're very handsome you know? Your outfit looks very good too! But something's missing.. can I see you smile?"--
As you wish mother.
Smile. I'm smiling. I like smiling.
I like smiling because it helps me hide how I feel, thank you for reminding me, mother.
Tears continued to come out even though I'm already smiling and I can't seem to stop them. I was about to hug a pillow to hide my face again but then my phone suddenly rang. I lazily took it out of my pocket.
What is it now? It's literally the middle of the night, can I be alo-
Mrs. Onagawa name, her name registered in the phone call. It's Mrs. Onagawa, but why now? I answered the call.
"Good evening ma'am. What do you need? I- It's me. Kaede." I asked, struggling to get myself together. After a few minutes of silence, she finally talked.
"I- Its about Hibiki," She replied, hearing those words with such a worried voice made me spring up from where I'm sitting. "I know that.. that it's my fault but-"
"Get to the point." I interrupted her. I know I sounded cold and disrespectful but I don't even care about that right now, all that's important is about Hibiki.
She sounded shocked with what I said but then she cleared her throat.
"Hibiki.. in the hospital. You know where." She coldly replied back.
I know and I'm aware that I'm not in the right mental state to even drive but it's important. Hibiki? In the hospital? Why?
I know exactly which hospital she was talking about since we've only been to one hospital before together. As I drive to the hospital, my mind has already been swarmed with possibilities.
What if something bad happened to Hibiki? What if it's because of me, that's why his mother called me. What if-
Honk
A honk from a car, probably from behind me finally brought me back to reality. Come on self. This is not the right time for these thoughts.
I finally arrived. I never even imagined that I'd go back here to this hospital after my mother's death. I entered and quickly asked for Hibiki's room number.
"Ah, it's you Kaede. What brings you back her-"
"Hibiki Onagawa," I cut off the nurse internationally. She's my mother's assigned nurse before and she basically knows every patient in here, doesn't matter if they've been here for years or they're new for just a few minutes. "Please, where's his room."
"Ah, Ms. Hana's other visitor right? He's here as a patient? Why? Wait no, follow me. I'll check." She quickly prattled on as she led me somewhere by the hand. We've become close because of the years and now she's become chatty.
"Onaga.." She uttered while searching for his name in the monitor. "There! Onagawa Hibiki! In room - - -"
Hearing the room number made both my head and my heart suddenly stop working for a second.
But I quickly composed myself and pulled the corners of my lips to give her a smile and thank her. My mom's former nurse looked back at me, with a concerned face.
"Thank you." I calmly said and ran away. My smile, quickly fading as I go. I didn't even take the elevator and just ran up the stairs. The room is on the third floor but I don't care. Me being exhausted is not the important thing.
I finally arrived in front of Hibiki's assigned room. My heart felt like it was squashed once again as I looked up to look at the room's number. As if my heart hasn't experienced enough.
It's the room of my late mother.
It's fine. I don't feel anything right now. As long as I don't feel emotions I'd be fine. I gulped as I took a step closer to the door, twisting the door handle while trying to keep up a composed look. I pushed the door open.
There he is.. Hibiki. But..
I walked closer to him. What is this.. with what I'm currently seeing. He's sleeping peacefully, but I can see that his eyes are puffy. Did he cry?
Shock suddenly took over my body and I finally realized something much more important. His hair is cut short..
"H- Hibiki?"
I mean, he has always wanted to cut his hair but why does he also have that thing wrapped around his head? What? I don't know what happened. Someone explain. A doctor, yes a doctor might know.
I turned my back from him, planning to call a doctor. I was about to go out the door that I opened when Hibiki, his voice stopped me.
"What is all this?"
It's not the fact that he finally spoke that stopped me and made a chill run my back. It's because of the fact that it was emotionless.. toneless, as if he's perfectly calm with the situation.
I looked back at him and looked straight to his face.
My heart throbbed loudly again as I observed his movements, his face. His face is emotionless, not a trace of confusion, sadness, anger or anything.
He's still lying down, putting up his left hand looking at the things that are put on him. He's far away from me but I can clearly see and hear him. He suddenly sat up and looked at me.
"You.. who are you?"
That one simple question broke my heart to pieces. I don't know why but it hurts more than anything I've experienced before.
My heart has endured so much already but this one hurts the most that I can't even comprehend it. I can't even explain it.
I just walked back to his side and sat down on the side of his bed. He just looked at me as I came close, still emotionless.
He's right in front of me right now, he's not saying anything. Say anything will you? Tell me that what I think might have happened is wrong.. Tears rushed out from my eyes as if I didn't just cry a few hours ago. It stings but I can't stop it. I hate tears. I don't like tears.
Hibiki just stared at me all this time. Embarrassing, he can't see me like this.
"What's your name?" He asked as he came closer to my face and wiped my tears.
I don't know what to answer to that question. My head is filled with overwhelming emotions that I think I'd be the next one to be hospitalized anytime soon. But I need to be strong, for the sake of my best friend.. or the one who used to be.
"Kaede." I answered, I tried to make a smile but failed. I probably.. No. I definitely looked like a fool to him. I turned my face away from him. It's the first time He'd see me cry and breaking like this. It's the first time anyone would see me like this.
I suddenly felt his warm hands hold both sides of my cheeks, facing it back towards Hibiki. Tears flowed out even more like a river. I don't think it'd be stopping anytime soon.
"Kaede.. Ah," He uttered then held his head. He sounded like he was in pain for a second but I just stared at him, these tears making my sight blurry. And my body, so exhausted that I can't even move a little. "I- I think I know someone called Kaede?"
Hearing those words come out of his mouth made me feel hopeful for a second. But hope isn't enough to change anything. I took a deep breath and composed myself.
I can finally control my tears, I honestly want to let it out more but I need to focus on Hibiki. Hibiki needs me right now, he's the only one I have left and I'm the only one he has left. I need to be strong. Strong to the point that I disregard my emotions.. myself.
I stood up, wiped the tears and smiled warmly at him. Trying my best to hold back the tears that kept on trying to come out.
"Yes, it's me. Kaede, I can't believe you'd forget the name of your best friend," I said then laughed a little. Easing up the mood for a bit. "Lay back down, you're still unwell. Sleep for a bit."
Oddly enough, he quickly did as he was told and laid back down, closing his eyes. I then fixed his blanket and played with his hair a bit. His hair is really short now.
Clack
A few minutes passed by with me just sitting beside Hibiki and looking at him, observing him closely when a sound suddenly came from the door. I turned back and realized someone was at the door. It seems to be Hibiki's doctor.
"Ah, does.. Hibiki Onagawa have a visitor?" He asked while looking at a report or something. He walked closer to us and stood at the other side of the bed. "Relationship with the patient?"
"Close friend."
"Do you know when his mother will come back? He just came here with the patient and left.."
"Probably won't come back."
"Huh?" He looked confused but gave it no thought. "Then, should we talk about the matter? Let's talk outside."
We got out of the room, leaving Hibiki sleeping. I sat down on one of the chairs while the doctor just stood beside me.
"Amnesia," The doctor said without wasting any time. "Something like it."
"What do you mean?"
"We're not perfectly sure either. The other doctors or nurses will probably come and say to you that he lost all his memories, wiped out but I'll tell you the truth." He said then looked up at the ceiling.
With the help of the lights from the ceiling, I noticed that his eyes don't seem to have any light in them. "You still have hope."
"Your wording isn't very professional."
"Wow, that's the first thing you'll say? Yeah I know, I just like being my real self." He laughed then walked away.. he didn't even tell me his name. Very unprofessional.
I sighed and ducked my head down. Tears welled up in my eyes again and rolled down my cheeks. Seems like I still have tears to cry. It's silent right now and there aren't any people so it's fine to cry right?
I stopped my hand from fiddling with my right ear further, I just realized that it has been doing that since I started talking to the doctor.
I might have looked weird, but doing so makes it less obvious that my hands were shaking. Besides that, I kind of figured it out from the start.. since he spoke. The way he talked, with that emotionless face. It was very familiar. It's just like before.
I feel the world collapsing on me, like it's working against me. Does it hate me so much that it takes away the important things in my life? No. This might be the work of the gods. If so, then why would they do this? Why?
No. They're not true, they just can't be. Are gods even real?
No. This world is fated to be doomed just like my life. Gods aren't real, because if they are, then they shouldn't be letting this happen. Punish me all you want but not him.
Please gods, if you're real.. he's the only one I have left.