-HIBIKI-
The thunderstorm grew stronger but it is not the sound that I can hear right now.
Brush
The sound of my hair getting combed is the only thing that I can clearly hear. My mother, looking at the mirror in front of us, looking so dearly at me.
"My daughter is beautiful."
'You're a girl, my daughter'
That's the phrase she always kept repeating. That she kept on screaming on my ears whenever I misbehaved.
I can't do anything, I was just a child. I obeyed, obeyed and obeyed but it never seemed enough. My feelings are the only things that I own in my life. That was when I was even forced to discard it.
"YOU'RE A GIRL. MY. DAUGHTER."
My mother who was just calm and composed a minute ago was now pulling on my hair, pulling it and pushing my head towards the mirror. I looked at myself, my pitiful self coldly. I look like a girl.
"Yes mother, but please refrain from using violence. A good lady shouldn't be doing so." I answered while trying my best to get her hands off and sit straight.
My mother, pleased with my answer smiled quickly and held both my shoulders. Massaging them, moving both her thumbs in a circle behind my shoulders.
"Very good." Her terrifying smile greeted me as soon as I looked back in the mirror. It looks normal and pleasing to the eyes if people see it, but it definitely isn't for me. I've seen what she actually is.
A monster, a controlling monster. I was forced to become a 'living puppet'. Forced to obey all that she ordered. Again, I didn't have a choice. I was only a child.
A child.
But now, looking at myself in this big mirror. I look at myself and feel nothing but happiness. The look I gave myself when I was still a child isn't what I'm wearing to look at myself now. That cold, bitter glare was now a soft, adoring smile.
I looked at myself wearing Kaede's uniform, his smell still lingered on it making it extra comforting.
Comforting me for the coming calamity of a confrontation. I turned and turned for a bit to look at myself much more clearly. Do I look perfect? Do I look good? Does it look odd?
I really look like a boy now, something that I was never able to experience, to look like before even though I was treated like a dress up doll.
Ah
Realizing the missing thing to make one look perfect. I tied some part of the back of my hair into a ponytail, something that my mom would consider 'pleasing to the eyes' while keeping some hair in front.
I looked back in the mirror and was stunned to finally see the final product. I really look like a boy.
Mixed, overflowing emotions filled my tiny vessel of a puppet. Every part, corner and crevice of my body filled to the brim. Not just happiness, but also anger, sadness and disgust.
Sadness from the fact that I was only able to experience and see myself like this right now. Disgust, disgusted at myself for feeling selfish just because I wanted to do what I wanted to right now. Anger... I don't even know why.
Surely it's not illegal to be selfish for my happiness for a little while, even just for a day.
I carefully wiped off the tears that I didn't even notice come out with a handkerchief. I looked one last time in my perfect, boyish yet feminine look. Burning this sight of myself into my retinas that was only possible once in a lifetime.
I opened the door out of Kaede's bedroom and elegantly, perfectly got out to the living room. Perfectly.
"Kaede," I called out to him softly, suddenly I felt embarrassed and conscious with how I looked. "What do you think?"
I shouldn't have asked that question, the worst mistake of my life because after asking that simple question. I was showered by praise. I'm used to my mom's praises but.. it's different when other people do it.
Kaede offered to drop me off at school because he wasn't feeling well and wanted to skip school, I understand him.
The death of his mother surely haven't been processed clearly in his mind. He might even be depressed right now. I really want to help and stay by him all the time but our time to see each other is limited. Limited because of mother and because of his part of time for his... Boyfriend.
I don't hate him... I just sense something bad about him. But whatever makes him happy I guess.
⁰-⁰
The sound of students laughing together and walking towards the school's gate greeted us as I finally opened the back door of Kaede's car. I got out and said goodbye to him with a wave.
"Be careful." I said. He only nodded in reply, the expression on his face still looks dead. His eyes, red from crying and his hair, still messy and unkept.
I turned my back on him, perfect and precise.
A warm summer breeze brushed through my face perfectly as I turned towards the front. As if it was caressing my face and softly combed, pushing back my hair. Summer break is coming.
Like how my mother taught me I tried wearing a smile. Although I hate her, my movements and everything I do has already been set like this by default because of her.
I suddenly felt my face giving off a sad expression but controlled it as soon as I felt so. I wore a cute, warm smile.. that's what my mother said. And walked elegantly towards the school building.
As always, people's eyes turned to look at me. Most are shocked with what they saw but most of them are calm, probably already realized and accepted this sudden revelation.
That I'm a boy.
I am quite famous, I'm aware of that, but I'm also all alone.
Me being famous isn't a good thing either. Being famous and being my mother's child has made my life hell in school, as if back home wasn't enough.
I locked eyes with a blonde girl as I walked, it's dyed though. Looked like a rotten banana standing up on the floor.
I was considered 'pretty' but because of this, some girls talked about me behind my back.
Even calling me a whore and making a rumor that I fucked the whole basketball team. Bitch I'd rather bite the curb than do that.. anyway.
I shook off these thoughts and entered my class. My classmates looked shocked to see me in such clothing but didn't talk to me. I have no friends in school.
Our teacher just gave me a look and got ready for class. She probably already knows that I am a boy, good thing she didn't tell anyone. She's not a chatterbox like those entitled, thick faced gossip bitches.
School is finally over and students have started packing up. Some are talking about planning to go to Karaoke, some are going to cafes and some planning hang outs.
We won't have school tomorrow so for some students, it's normal to go out and have fun since high school should be the time where we get to enjoy life.
But not me.. I'm an exception. Because I'm a puppet. I'm her daughter.
I stood up and walked out of the classroom. Even the way I stood up and walked was perfectly calculated and precise. The preciseness of a robot, a puppet.
Once I finally left school, walking home and realizing there weren't any students around. I breathed out a sigh of relief. Finally, I can walk normally.
I stopped by a ramen shop I usually go to after school. My mom doesn't know though, she thinks I just take too long going home. I spend about twenty minutes here max as to not be suspicious.
I entered the shop and waved at the usual customers I got to know, also the owner. I just got to know them because they're here every time I'm here but we never got the chance to become more than strangers to friends.
"Woah.." The owner's son, who was in charge of cooking my usual order was in front of me, with wide eyes and a shocked expression.
"Finally believed that I'm a boy?" I asked, giving him a soft smile.
"Doesn't matter, if there's a hole, there's a goal."
I don't know whether to laugh lightly or look at him coldly. So I just gave him the smile since I still need to keep the good girl attitude.
After quickly eating my order while enduring all the flirting and advances the owners son has done to me. I quickly left after saying goodbye.
This place is much more lively than anywhere I've been, it actually makes me feel 'at home' more than my actual home.
My head suddenly ached as I finally realized what was going to happen next. I'm almost near my house and I just know that my mother will punish me.
During that though, I can't cry. I can't show emotions, sadness or anger. A smile will only be acceptable. This punishment's definitely gonna be much more painful because of what I'm wearing.
As the sun was just slipping below the horizon and the light of the setting sun painting the surrounding scenery in a dark but warm orange, an idea popped up on my head like a light bulb.
I quickly went back into a convenient store that I passed by and bought chocolate milk. Drinking it as I continued walking home, eyes forward but not paying attention to anything. Thinking deeply.
Should I do it?
I have a chance to rebel and actually be freed. I don't have time to tell Kaede though.. but I'm sure he'll support my decision and help me. It's just that my mom is the problem that scares me.. what will happen next after that?
I shook my head and stopped my hand from fiddling with my left ear further. Whatever might happen, I don't care. This is the day, the day that I'll finally be free.
Those thoughts, encouraging thoughts that made me strong vanished in an instance when I saw my mother, calmly waiting outside our door.
I pushed open the gate and purposely didn't lock it. I need to escape when the time is right.
My mother, calmly standing in front of me right now, looks like a perfect, beautiful, kind wife. The perfect woman that my father married.
He left her though, since she's a monster in disguise. I don't even know why I even pitied her and stayed for this long.
I didn't give her any attention and was about to enter through the door that was opened when she suddenly pulled me back by my left hand's wrist.
I struggled off her and looked straight into her eyes. I especially prepared this uncaring, cold, sharp look to show her. Even though in truth, my right hand has already started trembling out of fear.
I walked away, not looking back to her because of the fear I felt with the way she looked at me. I walked faster and faster until I was already running up the stairs to the second floor, when I heard her close the door. Locking it.
My body felt cold, like it was a bottomless pit that was somehow filled with cold ice and my legs, feeling heavier as I entered my room. The pink themed room... My room.
I locked the door behind me and sighed. I hope that this is the last time I will see this.
This isn't the time that I should be feeling scared. I forcefully, basically dragged myself towards the mirror and sat down on the chair in front of it.
I looked at myself in the mirror, then took a perfectly new scissor I asked my mother to buy for school recently, even it was pink.
No regrets, no doubts and no emotion was written in my face as I looked at it coldly.
Snip
Just the first snip and my right hand that was holding the scissors trembled even more.
This is for the better.
Snip, snip...
I looked at myself, the once perfect, beautiful puppet of a person was now the entire opposite of what my mother wanted. Tears started forming on my face so I tried to wipe it, to no avail I can't control it. I can't deny that I'm not crying right now but I feel almost nothing... It's just that tears are coming out of my eyes.
Knock, knock
A familiar knock came from the door while they were trying to open it. It's my mother, and she sounds angry. I don't care though.
I looked at myself. One final look, my hair is so short that I finally look like a boy. It's uneven but it's fine, it doesn't matter whether it looks perfect right now or not because I don't want to be that perfect person anymore.
Click
I looked back towards the door which slowly opened using a key, the bed lights which was the only source of light as of now made my mother look even more terrifying.
Shiver
A cold shiver traveled down my spine as her angry face turned into an expression I can't even describe when she looked at me, observing and looking carefully. Her hands clutched tight into a fist, making the veins that were already obvious look more black.
She approached me, still wearing that complicated expression while I just stood there. No expression in my face whatsoever even though tears are already falling.
When she finally got close to me, she gritted her teeth in anger and put up a hand to hit me.
Before, I was always scared to be hit in the face. It hurts, it really hurts the first time she did it when I was a child. But now, I stood still, determined to be strong and take the blow.
Thud
My body felt numb when I successfully took the hit. She hit my head instead of my face. She looked shocked for a second but then looked down on my who was already on the floor. I showed her a taunting smile to annoy her even more. This is getting dangerous but I don't care, even though my head's ringing right now, it's fine. Control ones self and endure.
It's the first time I'm 'fighting back' to her so it made her even more mad. I always thought that she wasn't right in the head. Father did too but I didn't listen, when I was a child I loved the attention she gave me. I was so happy with the way she looked at me, and cared for me even though I know it's wrong. I fell for her bait.
But now, it's time to escape.
My mother, despite her age being strong enough to pull me back up by pulling on my hair and pushing me towards the mirror. I let her do so.
-"Let her do that much at least, before selfishly leaving for your freedom."- I told myself before when I was walking back home.
That same mirror shattered, I saw my reflection for a second on those millions of pieces of shards. I still looked like that puppet she built herself.
Time seemed to have gone slow motion and my head hit hard on the corner of the chair as I fell. My body hit the ground and I felt the cold temperature of that room. It spread throughout my body as if I was already a dead corpse and I felt the pain in my head getting stronger. My head seems to be ringing.
The last thing I saw was blurred out by the tears that continued on forming in my eyes, which dripped towards the deep dark red of blood that was staining the pink carpets of the floor.
I only planned to get my freedom that I've always longed for... I didn't imagine that the price of that was my death.
But with how desperate I've been for this moment, this conclusion for all the problems that occurred isn't so bad after all.
Goodbye fuckface... See you in hell soon enough.
I guess the only regret I have is not saying goodbye property to Kaede.