"We've done everything to save her." A doctor continued with a genuine sad tone. Of course they'd be sad for her loss since they have taken care of her for so long. Yet here I am, still numb.
A few months ago they had given me choices on what to do next since my mother's illness has worsened.
When they told me she had Stage 4 Cancer I almost didn't know what to do. My mind was full of mixed emotions, anxiety, and possibilities that might happen.
They've given me a choice if we should continue until she dies or.. just pull the plug. But looking at her face at that moment. I knew she still needed time, her face didn't show the face of a person that wanted to die. So we gave her time.
But.. I didn't expect it to be so soon.
"Yes. Of course I- I know this time would come." It's a struggle to even speak because of the realization that.. I'm all alone now.
Of course I've thought about this before, oddly it was when I was a kid. Playing with Hibiki, a teddy bear in front of me while looking at the clouds in the sky that is covering the sun.
Back then, she was full of life. Sitting at a bench not so far but not too close away from us.
She was sitting there, laughing about a joke Hibiki's mom said, they were the bestest of friends. Unfortunately, those happy moments didn't last long.
I looked at Hibiki, who is still crying because of my mom's death.
Damn, shouldn't I be the one crying since I'm the son? But I still understand him, he has seen my mom as a mother figure for him. Since his true mother is..
"Kaede.." My thoughts got interrupted once again. I snapped back to reality and approached Hibiki.
I patted his head to calm him down, he stood up and turned that simple gesture into a hug. He embraced me, and this seems to comfort me somehow.
His body is hot, almost feverishly, while my body is cold. It's cold enough that both my hands are getting stiff.
I can feel his tears dropping on my shoulder as he kept crying.. crying and crying. While I kept this expressionless face. I don't want to look cold and unfeeling, but right now I really can't feel anything.
I looked back at my mother's cold dead body. Her brown eyes have lost their light, the black bags under her eyes have turned darker and her mouth still opened.
Mother, why do you have that expression? Please.. If only I can see you smile again.
All the doctors and nurses bowed down their head as one of them started praying. Tradition of the hospital's a quick prayer for the dead.
I looked away as tears finally formed in the corners of my eyes, falling deeper into Hibiki's embrace while my cold tears also fell into his shoulders.
It was the expression she had when she caught my dad with another woman. She looked shocked but it can be called expressionless, after that she fell deep in depression as we left my father. Almost killing herself, it was the lowest of her life she had been.
Her happy, cheerful, child-like personality that I was familiar with, changed dramatically.
I don't want to see that again.
⁰-⁰
"Kaede," Hibiki called out. I looked at him, Hibiki who is walking close to me since we only have one umbrella. It has been raining since I arrived here.
"What do we do now?" Hibiki continued. If he's talking about what to do with my mom now.
My father said that he would handle it. I know that my mother hated my father to the core, so do I.. but I'm still young. What can I do?
I opened the door of my car's back seat and Hibiki entered, so did I in front.
My dad's trash. He really is, but we can't blame each other. My mom wanted to choose who she wanted to love but was forced into this arranged marriage.
She tried her best to love him and so that he would love him too but.. my father just couldn't bring himself to love her.
Love is complicated.. love's destructive, but for me, I think it's worth the risk.
I slowly remembered memories of me and Haruki together, then changed into memories of me and my mother when I was young.
All while both Hibiki and I sat in silence. The rain, tapping continuously up on the roof of the car.
"Can I sleep over tonight?" Hibiki asked, which broke the silence. I looked up at the small mirror and saw him hugging one of the pillows.
It's dark but because of the light from the streetlight, Hibiki's face can be clearly seen. His face that's pale as can be, his eyes puffed up as a result of all the crying but his face, it's emotionless. I responded with a sound of agreement.
I looked back in front of me and started the car. After a few hours, we've finally reached my apartment.
This is where my mom and I lived together a few years ago, it has really been a long time since she took a step here, and after all that time she didn't even get to come back.
Hibiki had already entered the apartment but he closed the door. I gave him the key so that he could enter first, because I wanted to be alone for a while.
I entered the room and there he was, Hibiki, sleeping peacefully on a brown couch in the living room.
I clearly told him that he should wash up first and sleep in the bedroom. Not only did he not wash up but he didn't even cover himself with a blanket.
"Too lazy or too tired to move?" I muttered to myself as I walked past him to get a blanket from my room.
I came back and tucked him carefully in the blanket. He must have been really tired and shocked with what happened today. I am too.
My eyes have been feeling really stingy since I cried. Probably because it's been a while since I did.
I sat down in a chair beside the couch Hibiki was sleeping on. It's the chair my mom always sits on, she always stubbornly refuses every time
I ask her to sit with me on the couch. But all she says back is "I'd rather sit here on this chair. It's more comfortable, it's soft and of course because it's from our old house."
We had good memories, and I only want to recall those good memories.
⁰-⁰
I opened my eyes as soon as I smelled the aroma of my mom's cooking. I don't even remember when I was finally able to sleep but I quickly stood up and felt dizzy right after.
Still, that wouldn't be enough to stop me from following the smell to the kitchen. Hibiki's there still wearing his uniform from last night, wearing an apron, and smiling at me as he noticed me come close.
"Is that.." I said as I came close to look at Hibiki's cooking.
"Yes." He answered with a soft smile as he continued on putting the food onto two bowls. It's egg fried rice, it might seem simple for anyone else but the way it's cooked is definitely my mom's.
"How did yo-"
"Remember that time when I came over for like, the third time?" Hibiki cut me off. "I always liked how she cooked your favourite, egg fried rice. So I asked her for the recipe and we ended up making it together." I only continued on looking at the food he had prepared in front of me.
"You were already sleeping that night, when your mother entered your room and saw me still playing. That's when I asked. Go on now, have a taste. It's not poisoned."
I smiled at him and patted his head. He only replied with a smile as I tasted his cooking.
It's mom.
Before I knew it I've already finished the bowl in just a few minutes, while Hibiki's still had more than half of his bowl full.
He was about to prepare two boxes of egg fried rice when I realized we actually have school today.
"We have school today right?" I asked Hibiki as I sent a text to Haruki. 'Want to meet up?' It says. He's probably skipping too.
"Yes, speaking of. It's about time, I have my bag with me but I can't go back home to change since my mom would definitely react more than a demon would." Hibiki replied, finally finishing his bowl and washing it.
"Borrow my uniform for today. I don't want to go, I want to rest."
Hibiki stopped for a second and looked straight at me.
"Are you okay?"
Of course I'm not.. but I'm not saying that. I just smiled at him as a reply, he awkwardly smiled back. I know that he's acting okay for me right now, I saw his eyes when I came close just a moment ago. It's dead-like and right now, it still is. But here he is asking if I'm the one that's okay.
"Your uniform's a boy's right?" I felt his happiness finally show even though I'm not looking in his direction, I just nodded as an answer to his question then gave him a spare key to my apartment.
He continued on packing two boxes. "My mom would be furious if she sees me come back wearing it but.. I always wanted to wear one."
His face that was just smiling turned bitter. I gave him another pat on the head, as always it made him feel a little better. He always liked it when I do it for him but he denies it, saying that he'd rather pat someone else instead. How silly.
After a few hours of just staring at the ceiling, thinking of what to do now while I lay down on the couch. Hibiki finally called out my name.
"Kaede," I quickly sat up and looked towards the entrance of my room. Hibiki's standing there, hands on his back with a shy face, wearing my uniform. I walked towards him. "What do you think?" He asked.
"You look particularly handsome today." I replied. He tied a part of his hair into a pony tail and looking at him from the front, he looks like he has short hair.
"I- It's the first time someone called me handsome. Thanks!" He cheerfully said, his eyes that were just dead-like a moment ago were finally filled with emotions again.
I patted his head and dusted his shoulder.
"I'll drive you to school. Text your mom on the way with what happened, I sure hope she understands.."
I waved back at him as he finally entered the school, I didn't waste any time and came back inside my car to check my phone.
Still no message back from Haruki. I sent another message 'Haruki?' it says. This is really odd, he always replies instantly every time I text him. It's as if he's even using his phone when showering.
I sighed and opened and checked the social media. There are posts about my mom's death from my relatives, showing their grievances. Probably spread fast because of the work of my dad.
I scrolled down and saw a post from Haruki, I never really saw him use the social media. He also told me that he doesn't use it. The name of the one that posted this picture doesn't have his name but that face is definitely his, it was just a few minutes ago.
Hah.. it can't be right? If so, right now really?
I quickly drove to the location of the photo. As I go there though, my heart feels like it's already breaking. Like a sensitive glass heart that was just cracked got even more crushed.
I finally arrived, it's an underground bar that's quite famous around here.
There's a neon lit board lighting up the word 'Hetty's' the name of the bar. I walked down the stairs, the entrance, the door is opened and I can already see some people enjoying themselves. The loud music is annoying.
I was about to enter when suddenly, a deep but loud voice yelled out on my ear
"How old?" A big man, probably a bouncer asked.
"Old enough." I replied, not giving him attention and continuing on walking. As expected, I was stopped when he blocked my way.
"How. Old?" He asked again, voicing out each word clearly and deeply.
"Old. Enough." I replied, mimicking him as I maintain eye contact. Damn, I'm already making a fuss. "Just let me in for a moment, I'm just here to talk to someone."
"Yeah. Right."
I have made a scene but it's better than not trying. I was about to give up when a familiar voice came from behind the man that has been blocking me.
"Move," I quickly looked back and there he was. Haruki, smiling at me, like he always does. He whispered something to the big guy and he just nodded. He turned to his right.
"I just need to talk to him for a bit, I'll be back." He said as he caressed a man's face, who is standing beside him. That said man then smirked at him and licked his mouth flirtatiously.
Looking at the man's face more clearly, I realized something. It's the man from Haruki's post.
My heart suddenly felt like it was poked with a thousand needles. Not poked one by one but all at once. It hurts.
Haruki walked past me but my gaze was still fixated on the man in front of me that he just intimately touched.
"Follow me." I looked back at him, he has already taken a few steps on the stairs, looking at me while still smiling calmly like everything is alright.
I did as he told and followed him outside, like a dumb little dog following its owner.
My heart's still throbbing, not because of love but because of the pain it felt. The needles that pierced through it have left a permanent hole. It really hurts.
We finally stopped walking when we reached an abandoned park. I looked up at the sky, it's cloudy so the place looks even gloomier, and even more because of the trees that surrounds us.
"Kaede, I'm sorry." Haruki suddenly said which made me turn my face to look at him. His face is still wearing that smile. It's the same smile that I once thought was warm, that I once thought was genuine and real.
But hearing him say those words with the same smile has brought me back to reality. "I want to break up."
My heart suddenly stopped throbbing, it stopped throbbing from the pain and I can't stop it from hurting. I can feel it broken as he said those words. Full of confidence as if he had already made his choice a long time ago.
"Why?" I asked. I don't know why I don't have the guts to utter more words.
"Why? Well I'm going to be really honest with you. I just used you." He looked at me with a smirk and laughed. This is not the Haruki I know. "All of that was just an act. If you believed all that, I must be a top tier actor!"
I see.. I get it now. So all this time, he was actually acting? Wow, unbelievable. Well that was unexpected. A fucking plot twist, both literally and a twist to my heart. My heart that was just throbbing from pain a moment ago suddenly vanished.
It's as if I never even had a place for him in my heart. It's still hurting but it's not throbbing loudly anymore. I'm confused with what I feel right now, and I honestly don't know what to do.
"If you're thinking why I did that.. well, because you're rich? Isn't that the only reason? You're boring, who would honestly want you." He continued.
He's right. How did I even believe all that? How did I get so delusional, and got lost because of my.. one sided love which ended up with me getting used. I get it though, he deserves better. But I at least want my part.
"But still, you're a li-"
Smack
I only got ahold of myself and realized what I just did when I heard that loud sound.
I now stand before Haruki, who has his hands covering his left cheek. Wide eyed from the shock with his mouth slightly opened. His cheek.. It's all red from just one slap. I don't regret doing that.
"Never get near me again." I coldly demanded. His eyes that were looking forward to nothing looked straight to my face. I can't even sense any sadness or emotion from his eyes, but what am I expecting?
I took off the ring that I was still wearing, it symbolizes our love. But I guess it's technically useless now if that's the case.
I turned my back on him, planning to leave.
"You disgust me."