As the awkward tension about Grandma's new boy toy Jacob lingered in the air, the situation was thankfully interrupted by a portal opening in the middle of the living room. Rick stepped out, looking more frazzled than usual, with Morty covered in some unidentifiable biological gunk.
"Ugh, Rick! What the hell was that?!" Morty gagged, wiping at his shirt. "There were lungs, Rick! And—oh God—there was a whole ecosystem in there!"
Rick ignored him, turning to me with a manic grin. "Yo, smartass! We have an advantage to have. A big one."
I raised an eyebrow, still savoring the bite of a cookie there were approximately 10 left. "Bigger than Jerry's parental abandonment issues? Or bigger than Summer's emotional instability?" I took a jab at both Jerry and summer who glared at me, I smiled evilly as Rick noticing the conversation going on where decided to intervene
"Bigger than both of those, combined and multiplied by your grandpa's weird cuck energy."
Jacob coughed awkwardly, but Rick already had his portal gun aimed at me.
"Long story short, Anatomy Park's got a code-red catastrophe. My Bitch of a business partner left an experimental virus running wild inside some poor schmuck's body, and if we don't contain it, it's gonna mutate, break out, and turn Christmas into a global pandemic. So, suit up, dipshit!"
"Sounds like you want help," I said with a sly grin on my face. Rick scoffed.
"Pfft, no. I'd rather fix it myself, but the last time I went in there, I may have gotten booted out for being a 'reckless god-complex alcoholic."
"Accurate," I muttered, I got up and grabbed my coat from the star well knob which became an impromptu coat hanger for me since my biological connection with D.N.A. birth giver keeps being a bitch about having science weird goo on my coat.
Morty shuddered. "I barely made it out! The security team in there treats Rick like an invasive virus. I had to negotiate with a sentient spleen to let us leave!"
Summer now interested said "Wait… so you're going inside a person? Like, Fantastic Voyage-style?"
"Yeah, except with less science fiction bullshit and more biological horror. So, uh, yeah, don't eat anything before we go," Rick warned.
"Let's go, Rick," I said ready for some action after a long time of being still, God dame I shouldn't have created a dog apocalypse now everyone is being a bitch if I come out with some other weird science shit. Now, The business is going well but I can't kidnap homeless people and perform morally questionable experiments.
Jerry, ever the perfect comedic relief, threw his hands up in exasperation. "No! No more wacky sci-fi adventures! It's Christmas! We're supposed to spend time as a normal family!"
Rick rolled his eyes. "Oh, please, Jerry. Normal? In this house? You're about as normal as a tapeworm with abandonment issues—which, by the way, is a real thing, and I met one in Anatomy Park." We then tried to go into the fucking portal which has been here for like an eternity. Summer interrupted us.
"I'm coming with you," she said, folding her arms defiantly.
I let out a dramatic sigh and turned to face her. "No, you're not.", The hell I am allowing her to join in this mission. When I work, I like to do it without babysitting some teenagers even though I am a teenager plus this is not the badass summer that grows later in the series this is the bitch summer who is well a bitch.
Summer narrowed her eyes. "Oh, so Morty gets to go, but I don't? Is it because I am a woman" Summer appeared scared for some reason but thanks to my omnicompetence I could ignore the intimidation on me and said
"This is the reason why I don't like taking little kids to real work. Morty is legally classified as disposable. If he dies, the universe sighs in relief and keeps spinning. Meanwhile, I have plans for you, Summer. Long-term ones. That means keeping you out of Rick's biohazard wonderland." The second part is true but the first is not true, I did have long-term plans for summer which may or may not involve creating an alien species or another kid for me.
"Hey, I am standing right here" Morty said which we agreed to ignore.
AN: Be honest if you thought he was talking about incest. For your knowledge, when I wrote this and re-read it. I thought it was incest but it is not. He is not from Alabama.
Summer scoffed. "Oh my God, you're such a dick. What's the real reason?" Summer asked crossing her hands under her chest. I was getting tired of this shit so I went along with it since It is also prevents her ego from growing.
I smirked. "Simple. You wouldn't last ten minutes in there before screaming, crying, and getting someone important killed." This is the second reason why I didn't want her to come, because she puts everyone in danger.
Summer rolled her eyes. "Oh please, like I'd be worse than Morty." She really doesn't get it does she, she is equivalent to morty when it comes to everything. They are both fucking idots, it is just that her offspring has a higher chance of having inherit the genes that me and rick have. Yes, apparently mine and rick genes are more of a match then rick and his biological daughter.
Morty, still wiping mystery fluids off his shirt, raised a hand. "Uh, hey, standing right here!" I ignored him since I really don't care.
Summer pointed at him. "Exactly. You're not special, Morty. You just follow Rick around and freak out. I can do that!"
I shook my head. "Summer, this isn't about whether you can be a screaming sidekick. This is about containment. If this virus gets out, it'll turn the whole world into an oozing nightmare. You're a liability. If I bring you along, I'll have to babysit, and I hate babysitting."
Rick, getting impatient, zapped both Morty and me with a shrink ray. "Alright, nerds! You're going microscopic!" The world around us expanded as we shrank down to the size of bacteria. Before Summer could protest further, Rick opened a new portal and kicked morty through as I went in right after like I was skydiving.
"Still hate the fact that we had to bring morty" I said as these were the last thing rick heard before he also went through the portal leaving behind the family which went right back in chaos. It was at this movement where I relized that summer and her boyfriend are going to have a face off, I need to be there for that shit. As a bringer of chaos there is no bigger huminilation then not being able to enjoy the chaos you bring.