'Dean's Beans' hangs above the door of the coffee shop. I really do hope its better than the cafe or I'm going to be caught in two lies by Will today.
Plopping myself down into a booth, I rest my hands on my lap. I still feel a little off, and knowing that I shouldn't be here is making it worse.
"You want anything?," Will asks as he throws his eyes over the menu board behind the counter.
"Yes please, maybe a coffee? A cappuccino would be nice, thank you."
"You can't have that," he says.
Is this guy serious? Thirty seconds into this and he's telling me what I can or can't have.
Noticing my obvious annoyance, Will sits into the booth, facing me.
"Sorry," he sighs as he explains himself, "I don't mean that you can't have it, I just meant that caffeine isn't a great idea when you're experiencing panic attacks."
"A panic attack," I clarify. "Singular. And I'm not even sure that's what it was."
"Izzy," he says, "that is exactly what is was." His insistsnce is close to irritating, but I cant get upset with his efforts to help me.
"Okay, so maybe just a milkshake then?" I ask.
He bites his lip.
"Oh c'mon, what's wrong with a milkshake?" This is getting a little silly.
"The sugar probably isn't great either... maybe a coffee shop wasn't the best place to bring you." Will sits back against the leather seat, a little unsure of what to do. I cant hide the laugh that escapes me.
"Alright," I say, "I'll just have a water with ice, that okay?"
"It kinda makes me look like a cheapskate, but I'll make an exception here."
"Thanks," I call after him as he goes to order our drinks.
My mind wanders the whole time he's gone. That attack was one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced. I think back over the moments before it started. I was so worried about Jamie knowing where I was, or what I was doing. The fear I seem to have of him is overwhelming.
We can't keep going like this. All the fighting is too much. And we are absolutely not on the same page about the future. How can I fix all of this? Fix me, fix him. Make it all work somehow.
As I explore the mess that is my life, I realise how naive it was to believe that marriage and children were somehow never going to come up. We are at that stage of our lives now I suppose. Jamie is only twenty seven, but a lot of his friends are starting to settle down. We've been to three weddings in the last twelve months alone, with two more save the date cards stuck to our refrigerator. Did I really not see this coming?
Maybe he's feeling the pressure and thinks it's what he has to do. Although I know Jamie, he rarely lets anyone pressure him into anything. If he wants to do it, its because he's decided to.
My thoughts are interrupted as Will sits my water down in front of me. I thank him, looking curiously at his styrofoam cup. I wonder if I can guess what's inside it. Is he a tea kind of guy? I don't see a string so I doubt it. Maybe it's a caramel latte or something, he does seem kind of quirky in a way. If he didn't have a lid on it, it would be much easier to guess.
I'm enjoying my little slice of entertainment when I notice his eyes staring at me, his head cocked to the side like he's watching a dog play with a toy.
"What are you thinking about?" he asks unexpectedly.
I hold his gaze for a moment, deciding not to share my silly game in the hope that I can still get it right.
"I'm thinking that I wanted to thank you for what you did," I say quietly. "I'm sure I'd still be a sweaty mess back there if you didn't know what to do."
"Oh, don't even mention it," he says, "I'm just glad you're okay, and I'm sorry if it was all of this that set it off somehow." He takes a sip from his cup, blowing into the little opening to cool it down first. Maybe it's a mocha. Although, for some reason, I just can't picture him enjoying that.
"I dont know what caused it," I say with a shrug, "like I said back there, it's been a really weird day."
He nods along thoughtfully, but remains unconvinced.
"Well either way, the main thing is that you're alright."
We sit in silence for a little bit as I let it all sink in, taking small sips of our drinks and listening to the chit chat of the conversations around us. I'm relieved to find that my chest isn't feeling so tight anymore.
"So that breathing thing you told me to do was pretty good. Where did you learn that?," I ask.
"It's called box breathing. That one has always worked for me, it gives you something to focus on rather than whats happening to you. You should look into it a bit, see what works for you. You'll wanna' get very familiar with all different kinds of techniques if the panic starts to become a regular thing."
"God I hope not." I mumble. "Does it happen to you often?"
"It hasn't in a couple of years, I've learnt to manage it well. I had my first attack when I was seventeen, and then they kinda' just snowballed from there. I saw a therapist for awhile, stopped messing around with stupid stuff, tried to get a handle on things. It can take a bit of time to get to the root of it. Its not always cut and dry."
I quickly try to do some rough math in my head to get an idea of Wills age, but he hasn't quite given me enough to go on.
He smirks over at me as if he can read my mind. "I'm thirty one," he says.
A flush of embarrassment runs over me. "Was it that obvious I was counting?"
"You were just short of adding it up on your fingers," he chuckles. I'll have to work on my poker face it seems.
"Well," I say, "just to save you any internal guessing, I'm twenty five."
"Twenty-five?" His eyes widen a little. "Wow, why does that sound so young? Not that you look any older of course, I probably should have guessed".
I start to wonder what kind of coffee an older man might drink, not that Will is in any way geriatric. I imagine someone that old would enjoy a warm milk. Gosh I hope he's not drinking that. I stop wondering the moment I notice that he's waiting for me to speak again. In my haste to fill the silence, I say something stupid.
"A six year age gap is nothing at our age is it?"
I've no idea why I said it. Maybe to make him feel more comfortable, but it doesnt matter really, because we won't know each other after this encounter. I have a boyfriend. A boyfriend I neglected to tell him about when he first asked me for coffee. Oh great, here comes the guilt again…
I stare down at my hands, picking at the skin around my thumbs as an uneasy feeling devours me before I speak up again.
"I'm sorry... for um… for the whole boyfriend thing." The shame is evident on my face. "I shouldn't have done that. Well, I shouldn't have done this," I say as I wave my hand in a small circle between us.
Will meets my eyes, theres a look of annoyance on his face and I can tell his teeth are slightly clenched, but he doesn't make me feel any worse about it.
"It's fine," he says, "forget it, for all I know you thought it really was just a friendly coffee. I can't be upset about that can I?"
We both know he's trying to let me off the hook. I'm curious to know why hes being so sweet about it rather than chewing me out, I know Jamie would.
"No?," I ask, "You said yourself that I should feel guilty about it, and I do. So I think its important to say it. I did the wrong thing, I should have been honest with you from the start."
As he draws his cup to his lips once again, I eye it, becoming determind to guess the contents. Surely it's not anything with the words 'skinny', or 'low fat' in front of it.
"Well, now it really is just coffee I guess," he says with a shrug. "No harm done."
His smile is soothing in a way that I can't describe, and the low lights of the coffee shop only seem to highlight the colour of his eyes to me.
"Now it is," I say in return.
I decide there and then that he has to be drinking an americano. There's no doubt about it. Will is honest to a point that it's blunt, saying what he means with no real frills, just like his chosen beverage. I wonder if he's even added milk.
We talk for another little while, slipping into a comfortable conversation about our lives. I finally reveal to him that Michelle and Carol are not in fact my moms, but close enough. I don't bother getting into the details of my own mom, other than the fact that she passed.
I find out that he's not originally from Ardeen or Cleveland, or even Ohio for that matter, but from a little town in Denver, Colorado, He moved here to live with his dad at fourteen after his parents got divorced. His dad was originally from here, and always wanted to come back, so both Will and his sister uprooted their lives and came along for the ride.
We laugh over the fact that we've probably been to a lot of the same places at the same time, considering that our interests are so similar. I talk to him about how difficult it was to decide to drop out of collage, minus the Jamie & Zach detail of course. I simply lie and tell him that the teaching position just didn't work out.
He reveals that he never went to college at all. Unfortunately, circumstance dictated that for him too.
Wills father died suddenly just as he was finishing high school. It meant that both his dads house and business were left to Will and his older sister. It was around this time that his panic attacks started, so he made the decison to handle the chaos that was happening in his life rather than add to it. I can't imagine having to make the choices he had to make back then.
He and his sister sold the house and both bought apartments of their own eventually. He says that it's mostly her that runs the business now. It's hospitality of some sort, but he's pretty vague about it. Will helps out with the financing and paperwork side of things, which leaves him a bunch of free time to work on his music and his band, hence the guitar strings. Aparently the band is pretty well known around Cleveland and some other places. I wouldn't know I suppose, Jamie and I don't often go to see live music anymore. He prefers restaurants and theatre.
I used to see a lot of bands with my sister Sarah. She's a big music fan too, always going to different gigs around town, the kids don't slow her down in that sense. I could sometimes drag Jamie to the odd show, but I'll admit it's been a while since I last tried.
Will and I continue to talk music for a long time. I can't seem to shut up yapping about my grandfather and all of the things he taught me to play. I also sit and listen almost star stuck as he tells me some more details about his band, Small Edit. He says they picked the name because every time one of them would write a song, Will would come along and make some of those said 'small edits' to it, and it kind of just stuck and became a bit of an inside joke. It's not all that funny from the outside, but I smile as he tells the story anyway, because the way he tells it makes it sound interesting.
He mentions another bandmate a few times, Adam I think, or maybe Aidan? I'm not sure. He's so passionate about it all that he's speaking a mile a minute and I'm struggling to keep up. He animatedly gushes about his songs and plans for their future. They need another guitarist on board, and they've been looking to try somebody out. Will is reluctant because it's only been the three members for so long, but he knows overall that they'd sound better if they added a little more dynamic. The whole conversation really sparks something in him, it's fascinating to watch.
Will begins to tell me about a show they played a few weeks ago, but it somehow sounds eerily familiar…
"So the power got cut out, but we knew we couldn't just stop so-"
"So you played the rest of the set acoustically," I say, finishing his sentence for him.
He sits back in the booth, totally taken by surprise.
"Yeah… how'd you know that?," he asks, narrowing his eyes at me.
"This is so weird," I say, "but I'm pretty sure that my sister was there. She told me all about it, it sounded amazing."
A sudden realisation now dawns on me.
"Hold on, did you say your friends name was Adam?"
"Yeah, why?"
I pull my phone from my pocket and head straight to Sarah's Instagram page.
"Sorry," I explain, "I'm not trying to be rude. I think you might know my sister Sarah, I'm pretty sure she's friends with Adam." I smile weakly, half hoping that I might have this wrong.
"No way?," Will says excitedly, "Let me see her."
I scroll through my phone, coming to Sarah's picture and holding it up for him.
"She's invited me to see a band her friend Adam plays in a million times. I've never met him, but I know for sure that she told me that story recently."
Lo and behold, he does indeed know Sarah.
"Get out of here!" he exclaims, "Tully is your sister?" He smiles over at me, humoured by our odd connection.
Tully is our surname, a lot of Sarahs friends seem to call her by it. Is Will her friend too?
"I don't know her that well," he says, "but you're right, she and her husband are good friends with Adam."
I'm unsure why, but I feel a little relief hearing that.
"What a small world," I murmur as I slide my phone back into my pocket.
"It sure is… Hey, I wonder if Adam will tell Tully that I tried to bang her little sister."
My jaw drops at the suggestion, but Will doesn't seem to notice my discomfort.
Actually," he says, slapping his hand onto the table playfully. "Y'know what? I'll tell her myself when I see her tomorrow night!"
"Please don't do that," I say, rolling my eyes at the thought. "We agreed to coffee Romeo, you didn't try to bang anyone. And what's tomorrow night anyway?"
"Oh, we're playing a gig at that place, The Assembly, you should come, bring your boyfriend along if you want."
I pause for a moment, he can't be serious? This is his first mention of Jamie since I told him that he existed, but it's clear that he's genuine with that offer. I feel that somewhat familiar feeling that I had outside the tanning salon all over again as a prickly heat rises up my back. I swallow it back down with some more water before replying.
"That's probably not a good idea," I say as I play with the straw of my cup.
"Why not? I won't tell him I was trying to get you into bed if that's what you're worried about?"
"Hey! Thats the second time you've said that. I hate to break it to you, but this was never going to be anything more than coffee Will."
"Oh please," he says with a smirk, "if you think for a second that I wasn't originally intending to get you back to my place, you don't have a wild enough imagination."
Wills cocky demeanour pulls an odd reaction out of me, and I find myself begining to blush.
His words didn't come across as rude, in fact they thrill me. You know the kind of feeling you get when you first meet somebody you like? Or the first time you kiss them? That's exactly it. I quite like Wills mischievous streak. I'd be willing to bet that there is milk in his coffee after all. Possibly sugar too.
I avoid adressing his remark. My reddened cheeks are enough of a reply.
"Jamie doesn't really like music that much." I say, giving my excuse. "And I'm not sure how I'd even explain knowing you anyway."
"I'm not going to encourage you to lie to the guy or anything Isobel," Will says, "but can't you just can say we met at the music store? It's technically true, and besides, going back to my place is off the table now anyway, so he has nothing to worry about there."
Will lets out a little laugh at what is an obvious joke, but I feel this weird sting of sadness hit me as he says it, and find myself blurting out the first thought that comes to me.
"It is?"
Oh god, I wish my mouth had a reverse button to combat my stupidity.
"S-Sorry," I stammer, trying to pull my words back. "That's not what I meant, I meant to say it is. Because of course it is... off the table I mean... I-I agree with you".
Jesus christ, I must be a glutton for punishment. That's the only way to explain why I keep putting my foot in my mouth with this guy. What did I mean by that anyway?
Will studies me for a moment, managing to make me feel even more embarassed. He places his cup down on the table and sits back in his chair. He's thinking carefully about what he wants to say.
"I better tell you something now," he says, "so that you can decide how we leave here."
My nerves are making me feel sick to my stomach, but I listen intently, keeping my eyes trained on him.
"I need you to know that I will never ever knowingly touch somebody else's girlfriend," he says, "not ever."
His face looks disgusted at the idea of it.
I nod my head, unsure how to react.
"Thats... that's fine," I say meekly. "I didn't say I wanted you to do otherwise did I?"
That sentence even taste like a lie as it spills out. But it's not a lie though right? I love Jamie. I don't want anybody else.
Will lets out a sigh, dissappointed by my lack of conviction.
"I've been on the other side of that situation," he continues. "It's a shitty thing to have happen to you."
He looks away from me and swallows hard, trying to keep some form of emotion down. I have to pull this back somehow.
"I'm sorry that happened to you Will, but I really wasn't suggesting that I wanted to-"
"I just need you to know," he says, looking me dead in the eye and not letting me finish. "That regardless of anything else, I won't do that. So if you're looking for a little escape from your vanilla life or whatever, I'm not your guy. I think you're kind of cool, and I'm sure we could be friends or whatever, but that's it."
That hits me like a punch in the gut.
'Looking for a little escape... vanilla life'.
I find myself becoming irrtated. Will doesn't know me. How dare he!
I lean across the table, pinning him in place with a glare.
"Look," I say, "I know I did a stupid thing by agreeing to come here, and that you don't really know me, but I am not some kind of slut Will. Coming here for a cup of coffee with you, or water in this case, does not equate to me wanting to sleep with you. I didn't try to do anything except go home before we even got here, so don't make me out to be some dick crazy girl who's after you, because that's not the case."
I feel a fire in my belly as I set him straight, but he he just continues to sit back in his chair, examining me as he drums his thumb on the table. The look on his face leaves me with the impression that I've somehow humoured him.
"You pout when you're mad, do you know that?," he says. There's a smirk on his face, and he holds my eyes until I break and smile back at him.
"I do not," I say with a flush in my cheeks.
Will clears his throat, aknowledging the little speech I just gave. "Okay, fair enough, I think we might be on the same page here. However I do just want to clear up one thing that you mentioned."
Oh god, what did I say wrong now?
Placing his elbows onto the table, he leans in, like he wants to tell me a secret.
"You said this was always going to be coffee and nothing more right?"
"Right."
"Wrong. Because I can tell you without a doubt that if there was no boyfriend involved here, then you'd be in my bed screaming my name right this very second Isobel. I knew that the moment I saw you walking around that store in those tight little jeans of yours… and I can gaureentee you there would have been no way in hell I'd have waited for a second date before I peeled them off of you and fucked your brains out."
My eyes go wide as I almost drop my cup. For a second I let my mind consider that alternate reality, feeling every word of what he just said between my legs. As speechless as I am though, I absolutely can't give him the upper hand here.
"You're pretty sure of yourself." I say, sitting back and acting like his words have had no effect on me.
"I am." He wears a shit eating grin on his face that I'm desperate to wipe off.
"Screaming your name huh? Is that what normally happens for you with your groupies?"
"I guess-so," he sing-songs.
"And what was it again?" I ask.
"What was what?"
"Your name?"
Pausing to enjoy the look of confusion on his face, I know I've made us even. It's then that he realises what I'm doing, and a grin of my own appears.
"Well that's just rude Isobel," he says, pretending to be insulted, "at least I paid you a compliment."
I let out a laugh, feeling a little triumphant before glancing at the clock that's hanging above the bathroom door. Seven thirty-five. That can't be right, can it? I double check my watch to be sure.
"Oh crap!" I exclaim, jumping from my seat, and hitting my thighs off the side of the table, knocking our empty cups over in the process.
"Whoa, easy, are you okay?" Will stands and puts his hand out to steady me.
"Yes, sorry, I just didn't realise the time, I should be home by now."
Pulling out my phone, I check for any missed calls from Jamie, but theres nothing, thats good. I look to Will again.
"Listen, thank you so much for today. I genuinely don't know what I would have done without you."
"Don't sweat it," he says, "really."
As Will stands he grabs both our cups and walks them to the trash.
I double check I have all of my belongings before I edge my way to the door.
"I'll call you tomorrow Will, for the strings. And I promise I won't take any offence if you don't answer and never come back after all of this."
He shakes his head at me. "I don't have a choice, it's too hard to get those strings anywhere else."
I let him away with his little jab and begin to get going. I'm half way out the door before I decide to turn back and call after him again.
"Hey, by the way, what kind of coffee did you have?"
He looks a little bewildered as he shrugs his shoulders. "It was just an americano."
"Anything in it?"
"Milk and a little sugar, why?"
"No reason. I'll call you tomorrow Will, bye".
Feeing a little smug, I rush out the door and down the street towards my car. My phone starts to ring just as I climb into the driver seat. It's Jamie.
"Hey, sorry, I got held up." That's not a lie.
"Oh, is everything alright?"
"Yeah of course. You know me and the ladies, yap, yap, yap." Okay, that's a lie.
"Will you be long?," he asks, "I'm starving!"
"I'll be about thirty minutes. You go ahead and eat without me, I'll reheat whatever we're having."
"I haven't made anything, I was waiting for you."
I feel a little annoyance chip away at me. He means he's waiting on me to cook, I always do it. What has he been doing all afternoon?
A pang of guilt quickly hits me, whatever it was, I bet he wasn't agreeing to coffee dates with total strangers. I am so going to hell.
"Why don't I treat us to take out?," I say, as if it's going to erase that guilt.
"Yeah I guess that will work... hey next time can you call if you're going to be late? Save me waiting around like an idiot."
"Sure Jamie, I'm sorry, time just got away from me".
"It's fine, I'll order some Chinese. You want the usual?"
"Please".
"Cool. Hurry up okay?"
"Yeah, I'll be home soon... bye".
I put the car into gear and turn on the radio. The whole day hits me, and I suddenly realise just how exhausted I am from it. Pulling out, I join a string of traffic, hopeful that the music I'm playing will drown out all of my scattered thoughts and carry me home.