Will and I take small steps as we walk down the street towards the coffee shop. The space between us is so wide that you could easily fit another two people between us and still have room. The silence is deafening.
A small breeze passes us, and as it does I feel it circle my feet before running itself up my body and blowing through my hair, pulling me backward, warning me of what a huge mistake this bold move is.
What am I doing? This isn't me. I don't agree to coffee with random guys. I have a boyfriend, and Jamie would absolutely lose his mind if he... oh god, Jamie!
He never answered my call, what if he's still nearby after our lunch earlier? I know exactly what he'd think if he caught me with some strange guy. Worse than that, I know exactly what he'd do.
"So," Will says, breaking the silence and gesturing to the gap between us. "Are you always so uncomfortable with people?"
I cant tell if he's trying to be funny, or if he's just really forward.
"I..."
The palms of my hands begin to break out in a sweat. I wipe them on my jeans and try to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. What the hell was I thinking. How would I explain this? It's crazy. I need to leave.
"Hey, are you okay?," Will asks as he reaches out and touches my arm. "You look like you're gonna' throw up. It really is just coffee, I promise."
He offers a smile, but I don't look up to meet his eyes. Instead I look to where his hand now touches my arm. Something so innocent, but it feels so incredibly loaded.
"No. I- I made a mistake," I stammer. "I shouldn't have said yes to this, I'm sorry. I think I better go."
As I try to turn myself around, I get a fuzzy kind of feeling in my head that makes me dizzy. Maybe I am going to throw up.
"Oh, hey whoa," Will says as he stretches his hand out to catch me, being careful not to actually physically touch me again. "Did I say something? What's wrong?"
He seems genuinely concerned, I'm sure it would be sweet if I wasn't so freaked out right now.
"No not at all," I tell him, "you didn't do anything. It's me, I'm such an idiot. I need to go home, I'm really sorry."
I feel a cold sweat suddenly come over me, making my top stick to my back. What is happening?
"What is it then?," he asks. "You can tell me. What? Am I unattractive in the daylight or something? Or do you have some big burly boyfriend that's going to pop up and kick my ass?"
He tries to coax a laugh from me with his humour, but the expression on my face gives me away.
"Oh," he says, "you do have a boyfriend."
"I do."
He looks at his feet, his disappointment evident.
"And yet you agreed to coffee with me."
"I did."
"And now you feel guilty."
"I do."
"You should."
I look up to meet his stare, a little surprised by his honesty. He's not looking at me in a way that tells me he intended to be cruel though. I'm not sure what it is. Sad maybe?
This day has gone from bad to worse. Wills hands sit deep into his pockets as he waits for an explanation that I dont know how to give. I'm overwhelmed with guilt as I try to make my excuses.
"This was... you're a really nice guy, and it was great to meet you, I'm just... it's just that..."
I have to force myself to take in a deep breath in order to try and calm myself down before I attempt to continue.
"Look," I explain, "I did a stupid thing, it's been a weird day, and I'm really sorry if I made you mad."
Will furrows his brows in confusion. "Made me mad?"
"Yeah, this really isn't like me at all, and I'm more than aware of how cliché that sounds, I mean for all you know I'm a serial cheater and everyone gets this sob story but-"
A wave of panic suddenly hits me like a freight train, but it doesn't seem to stop the incoherent babble that leaves my mouth.
" I- I'm really not that bad of a person I swear," I say. "And It's honestly nothing you did, I just..."
I rub at my neck a little, wondering if there's something blocking my airway. No, that's silly, I'd know. But then why am I starting to feel light headed.
"Are you alright?" Will asks, his voice full of concern.
"Like I said," I try to continue, "I- I've had a bad day and I don't know what possessed me t-to..."
I wring my hands and look around me, the street signs overhead start to blur. I try to take the air in through my nose instead to see if it makes a difference, but it's like there's a weight on my chest that gets heavier the more I talk, so I simply stop trying. Hopefully Will just leaves me here so I can figure this out.
Backing up a bit, I press my hands onto the glass of the store front behind me, I need to steady myself, I need to breathe.
Little black spots form in front of my eyes as tiny beads of sweat roll down my face. A sudden bout of nausea settles on me, and a dull weak feeling lands in my hands. Maybe my lunch didn't agree with me earlier and wants to make a come back. Dear god, please don't let me vomit in front of him.
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I aim to quiet my mind and refocus.
I continue to try and control my breathing, changing to small gasps of air instead. Tilting my head back, I rest it against the glass behind me and close my eyes. Wills muffled voice is still there, but I've no idea what he's saying because I cant concentrate.
It feels like I'm lost in a weighted ocean thats gripping my whole chest, squeezing all the oxegen from my lungs as I desperately try to keep my head above the water. Christ, what is this?
There's a heavy tug on my arm, and then I hear the faint click of a door. The next thing that I'm aware of is counting.
"C'mon," Will demands. "Do it with me. Breathe in, 1,2,3,4, hold it, 1,2,3,4, and let it out, 1,2,3,4, now rest, 1,2,3,4."
My lungs burn, and I can feel my lips begin to quiver as his hands cup mine.
"Okay," he says, "again."
I shadow what he's doing as he guides me through the confusion.
"In, 1,2,3,4, hold it there, 2,3,4, and out 2,3,4, and rest, 2,3,4."
I continue the count in my head, breathing in and holding as Will instructs. It's weird, but for whatever reason I feel like it's helping.
After an endless amount of this with him, I finally start to draw in air a little easier, as if I'm bursting through some imaginary chains that are locked around my lungs.
Opening my eyes up to look around, I keep the count going as I check out my surroundings. Will must have brought me into the building I was clinging to outside. It's a tanning salon thats a few doors down from Strings & Things. We didn't make it far at all.
There's a girl sitting behind the counter near the front, she's pretending that she wasn't just staring at me. I kind of recognise her from seeing her come and go. She looks up to meet my stare and offers a sympathetic smile, I nod my head in aknowledgement, feeling completely mortified.
"Keep counting," Will says, pulling my focus back to him. "Let the air in, be aware of it."
I stare at him now. He must have sat me down when he brought me in. The rubber soles of his chucks pinch at the stress points as he squats in-front of me. We're in the tiny waiting area of the salon. The stiff blue plastic chair that I sit on is hurting the back of my legs the longer I sit, but I'm just grateful that no one else is here right now.
My eyes shift to our hands, Will is tapping the back of my mine softly with his finger, silently drumming the count so I don't lose track.
The girl behind the counter is typing away on her keyboard, and the clacking of her acrylic nails hitting the buttons is becoming a distraction, but I try to keep myself in the moment.
This is terrifying. Why did it feel like I was dying or something? The sting of tears hits me as little pools form in my eyes, but I'll be damned if I'm going to cry in-front of this guy. I tip my head back and look up at the roof tiles, relying on gravity to help me out by stopping any tears from cascading over and flowing down my face like the tell tale sign of weakness they are.
Will pretends he doesn't see anything and stands up, telling me he'll be back in a minute as he approaches the front desk. He looks back check on me as my gaze follows him.
Reading the name tag that's pinned to her top, Will flashes the girl behind the counter a smile. Lindsey. He asks her for a cup of water, pointing to the cooler behind her. She glances over at me, I must look pitiful sitting here as she frowns disapprovingly.
Her eyes draw back to Will. She can't say no to him either it seems, and she passes a little white plastic cup of water over the counter to him after she fills it. Her dimples sink deep into her cheeks as she bats her eyelashes at him before shooting me another look the second he turns his back to her.
I feel silly as Will hands over the drink. I avoid his eyes and use the back of my hand to wipe at my own, taking away the blur in my vision. Gulping the water down hungrily, I dont worry at all about how in-feminine it might seem. My mouth feels dryer than the vanilla sponge cake that Carol made for my birthday last year, and this water is the only thing that will quench it.
Handing the empty cup back, I inhale one more big steady breath through my nose and begin to feel calmer. Will hunkers down in front of me again, placing both his hands on the chair at either side of my knees.
"Are you okay?," he asks.
I'm not sure what he's looking for but he places the palm of his hand to my forehead to check me over.
"I'm fine, I'm really sorry about this," I say, still not making eye contact. "I'm not sure what that was, I must be coming down with something."
He leans back slightly, a bizarre look on his face. "Are you kidding? You don't know what that was?"
"N- no?"
"Isobel, that was a panic attack."
"It's just Izzy."
"Really? That's your worry right now? Izzy."
"I don't get panic attacks," I say, "I've never had one, I really don't know what it was."
"Trust me, That's exactly what it was. I've had the pleasure of a couple myself."
"Are you sure? Maybe I'm just sick, or hungry. I only had lunch today, maybe that's all it is."
"I'm positive," Will insists. "It was a bad one too. You should stay here for a little bit, you need to rest."
Lindsey must hear us talking, and the idea of us staying here obviously doesn't please her, because she quickly clears her throat to get our attention. I think we both forgot she was even there.
"Yeah, hi, so are you guys going to like, use a bed or anything?," she asks. "That area is strictly for customers only."
Her eyes bounce from me to Will but settle on him of course.
Will shakes his head in disbelief as he frowns at her.
"Yeah, hey Lindsey, how about you go right ahead and shove your tanning bed up your ass alright? My friend here just needs a minute."
My head snaps back around to look at Will in shock. Is he not aware that this girl would literally strip naked for him right now if he asked? And she's gorgeous too. Barbie blonde hair, tall tanned legs that stretch for days. Theres no way he didn't see her interest.
"You can't talk to me like that!" Lindsey snaps, placing her hand on her hip as she points to the door. "You need to leave right now or I'm calling the police."
"Fine. No problem," Will replies, giving her a tight grin before grabbing my hand and pulling me up. "You're fantastic at this whole customer service thing by the way," he says to her, "you really found your calling."
Will leads the way out, dragging me with him toward the door as he gives Lindsey an earful. I look back to see her mouth agape, I actually almost feel bad for her.
"Asshole!," she calls after Will as she throws him her middle finger.
"Wow, what a peach," he says, giving her a wave as the door closes behind us. This is all so insane.
Outside, Will doesn't seem any calmer.
"Fuck, what a bitch," he mumbles to himself as he turns back to me and places his hands on my shoulders. He drops down slightly to meet my height. "Hey, let's go to that coffee place you mentioned, you need to sit down for awhile. I promise you'll be fine, you just need to take a breather."
I pull back from him, shrugging out of his grip.
"No honestly," I say, "I'm feeling okay, other than being really embarrassed anyway. I'll just go wait in my car for a little bit and then head home, don't worry."
"You said it was this way right?," he says as he takes my hand again and leads me towards the street corner, completely ignoring what I just said.
I huff a little but don't protest too much, I dont have the energy for it.
I guess we're going to get that coffee after all.