I've been thinking for the last two days after I left Mal's house. I can't stop. My mind have been flying through all the possible reactions of my parents if they ever find out I'm bi. I always thought they wouldn't care no matter what I did. But what if this is what they couldn't ignore. What if this is what finally broke the Carmel's back.
I did a lot to them while growing up. I was a menace. I was always doing, not caring if they forgave me or not, they did. No matter what I did, they swallowed the hurt and forgave me.
But if Mal's parents could desert him, who says mine couldn't? Who says this wouldn't make them flip. And as much as I stress my parents out, I don't actually want them out of my life. I love them and their absence will break me. I can't just imagine my life without them.
And as much as I don't care about what any other person might think or say, what if people harass my parents because of it. Even as much as they've done good, I know people will switch up fast if the issue of my sexuality is brought to light. Bunch of selfish bastards.
I just don't know what to do. I want to explore this thing I have with Mal, knowing he's as interested in me as I am in him has me feeling lightheaded. I want to know what it's like to be with him but I also fear I might loose my parents because of it. What I'm I to do?
"are you okay hon?" I turn to see my mom looking at me with worry. "you've been zoning out a lot since you got here."
I clear my throat. "I'm fine mom, just stressed."
She frowns. "is it work?"
"uhh, something like that."
"you should take a break if it getting overwhelming, we don't want you to burn out."
See, my mom cares for me. How can all this care and love just stop because I like dick too. This is fucked up. "yeah I know."
She nods and turns to dad, continuing their conversation.
I came here today not even knowing why, I couldn't get the thought of them withdrawing all their love for me out of my head. So I guess I came to feel that love or something.
"How did you keep forgiving me for all the shi-stuff I pulled off?" I blurt out. They both turn to me.
"what?" my dad asks.
"I said, all the stuff I did, why did you keep forgiving me?"
They look confused. "you're out son, of course we're going to forgive you. We just know you're a little troubled that's why you kept acting out even though we didn't know what was troubling you." Mom says.
"And we prayed for you to get better. You're our son, we will always forgive you." Dad says.
Oh always eh?
"So you're saying there's nothing I will do that you can't forgive?" I ask slowly.
Dad glowers. "have you gotten into trouble again?"
Eh. "no dad. Promise."
"okay then. Within reason. Nothing within reason that we can't forgive."
"oh, what outside reason can't you forgive?" I ask curious.
My mom squints at me. "why all this question Tobs?"
I shrug. "nothing mom, I'm just curious."
"like murdering someone, sexual assault, or causing someone to commit suicide. We can't forgive you for that. Ruining someone's life is out the cards for you."
No homosexuality. I sigh. That's really not a win if I can't even ask about it.
"Are you okay though? You've been doing a lot of thinking."
"I guess our son has finally decided to turn a new leaf." Dad chuckles. I roll my eyes.
"Don't tease me."
"so is there any girl-
"annnd it's time to take my leave. It was nice chatting with you."
They burst out laughing. "oh you're so predictable son." Mom says. "i'll be looking forward to your next visit." She winks.
I roll my eyes. "whatever." I mumble.
I go to my car and just sit without turning my car on. Why is this so frustrating. This is the first time I have to seriously think about consequences as honestly, it's not a good feeling. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can even hardly work. My brain is a scrambled mess.
This is the first time ever were I have to hold myself back when I want to indulge in something and it's screwing with my brain. It's rapidly unraveling me. I don't feel myself anymore.
A knock on my window.
"are you okay boss?" our security man asks looking concerned. I sigh.
I turn to him. He is a older guy, probably late forties. "Mr. Tim, what do you do when you want to do something but the result is tilting on the negative side where you might loose a lot of loved ones but the benefits is purely personal?"
"I don't do it." He shrugs. "I prefer to go things where I always have positive returns."
I nod, swallowing the bitter feeling in my throat. "okay. Thanks for your insight."
He turns to leave but then stop. "If the positive outcome greatly determines if you're going to be happy, then I suggest you do it. What's there to life if we can't be happy right?"
I smile, it's as if he knows that's what I want to hear. But deep down I know that's not the right answer.
"thanks." He nods and I drive off.
I log into my bank app and sent two hundred thousand to Your favourite girl. I still do it even with my suspicions that the parents do not use the money to care for the girl. I mean it's better I send, they may pamper her a bit if she keeps bringing in money, I think it will be worse for her if there are no returns.
I search for Gabe's number, it's been a while since we hung out. I need every kind of distractions this period. Yeah I'm a terrible friend, terrible person actually. Everyone knows that already. No need crying over it.
"hey bro, what's up? You've just been in your zone all this while."
"Yeah, I've been going through some shit." I say.
"Yeah, like what? You use to tell me everything, now, getting you to talk is like pulling teeth."
I sigh. I called to get over my problem not to talk about it. "I just don't want to talk about it okay."
"are you for real? Then why did you call?"
I hesitate.
"Tobi don't waste my time."
"I was hoping we could hang out. Have some drinks."
He scoffs. "so now you want to hang out? Did your tall, dark and broody friend desert you?"
I scowl. "what the fuck Gabe?"
"what? Wasn't it because of him you've been ignoring me? Your best friend?"
"it's not like that-
"you know, if you don't want to hang with me again, it's cool. You can say it."
"what the hell man, it's not like that!" I yell.
"so it's not about your new friend? You don't even return my messages guy."
"dude chill, you're over reacting."
Silence.
"you know what? Fuck you."
He hangs up.
Fuck this.
Feeling restless, I leave my apartment and get into my car.
I get to the front of a familiar gate before I realize I drove to Mal's estate.
Bloody…. What the hell is wrong with me.
I park there like a creep since I'm unable to go in without alerting Mal. What I'm I even doing?
This is fucked up on a whole other level. The guy is trying to get over this. Maybe I should too. One mind-blowing fuck of my life should not make me this much of a fool, no matter how good it was.
I start my car, about to put it in reverse when I see a familiar car. Mal's. The windows are down so I can clearly see him in it and that fuckwad doctor of few days back on the passenger side. What the fuck?
Oh I'm furious. I thought his sister said he usually didn't bring people home. Did he change all of a sudden or did she lie that day.