With brown shades over my eyes- Zulu insisted I wear her shades since she said I have 'mince pie' eyes. In my life, I never knew what it meant until now. I'm guessing the opposite of 'panda eyes'.
I stepped into the lecture room, my heart racing, trying to keep my composure even though my mind was spinning. The familiarity of the place hit me like a sledgehammer- those ancient wooden desks, the musty smell of books, the hum of idle chatter from students waiting for class to start. It was all too much, too overwhelming. I knew this room. I knew these people.
That was Professor Hanley at the front of the room, casually organizing his notes. His glasses perched on the end of his nose, and he occasionally glanced up at the clock, his expression as impassive as ever. The same brown tweed jacket, the same slightly hunched posture. He had always been a bit dull, the kind of professor who droned on and on about ancient history, but now his voice seemed comforting in its predictability.
I took a seat at my usual spot, second row, middle and glanced around, my eyes darting over the faces of my classmates. They all looked so... young. My heart clenched. People I hadn't seen in years, faces I'd forgotten until now, laughing and gossiping as if nothing in the world had changed.
Of course, for them, nothing had. To me nothing was the same and yet it was. My head was a jumbled space of chaos and confusion that had me missing- and Zulu as well, the first session of the lecture happening.
A few seats over, to my left, Julia was fiddling with her notebook, flipping through pages filled with doodles and half-baked notes. She always struggled to keep up with Hanley's lectures, but we used to study together, with me helping her fill in the gaps and her teaching me tennis. Across the room, Sam was chatting animatedly with Brie, gesturing wildly about something that seemed to annoy him- probably another one of his absurd conspiracy theories. I used to find him amusing. Now, he just seemed like another ghost from a life I barely remembered ... and yet somehow, I did.
And then there was Dan.
F*ckkkkkk... My eyes widened at his handsome features and I recall why I fell in love with him- well not love-love like I know now but back then- here, it was love. I swallow, as a mix of emotions run through me. Disgust being one of them.
Agh, this is so surreal. To be here now at this moment. I am still reeling from the shock of being in this timeline and I am certainly overwhelmed by the enormity of it but also there is a frantic need inside me to understand this and navigate- until I am sent back to my time.
He slipped into the seat next to me, grinning, his brown eyes twinkling with that familiar mischievous spark. My stomach tightened at the sight of him. Dan, my ex-boyfriend- no my boyfriend still, given the year is 2014. My boyfriend. Not Gabe. Not the man who had broken my heart and shattered my world. Dan was still mine in this time, sweet, goofy, dependable Dan.
Dan had not cheated on me yet.
"Hey," he whispered, leaning closer and brushing his lips against my cheek. "Missed you this morning." Usually, we met up and walked to class together. I'd forgotten that until just now.
The warmth of his kiss stirred something in me, but not the comfort or affection it once had. Instead, a wave of nausea churned in my stomach. I forced a smile, trying to act normal, but all I could think about was how wrong this felt.
Was it because of Gabe or because I carried Gabe's baby? Oh, no baby in here anymore. No trauma of knowing my scumbag husband left me for his true love yet.
No white moonlighting in my life yet. No cheating yet- my life was like a blank canvas suddenly. A white sheet just waiting for the mud to smear me.
Currently, I fight another wave of nausea as my boyfriend gives me the adoring eyes that I knew so well. I wonder if he had been cheating on me since now. Or thinking of cheating on me, at least. We've only been dating a few months now- according to this timeline but we had already said we loved each other.
Dan, so clueless, so innocent in all of this, smiled and turned his attention to Professor Hanley, who had begun droning on about ancient Mesopotamian society. I struggled to focus, the words washing over me without sinking in. My mind was stuck in a loop, unable to reconcile the past and the present.
My mother and sister are alive.
I should have felt safe. I should have been relieved to be back in this simpler time, before everything had gone wrong. But instead, all I felt was an overwhelming urge to leave. I needed space, needed to breathe. The walls of the classroom felt too close, the familiar faces suddenly alien, like I was an imposter in my own life.
Without thinking, I grabbed my bag and stood up, ignoring the puzzled look from Dan as he glanced over from Zul who was on the other side of me, to me as I got up. "I have to go," I mumbled, not caring if it made sense or not. I didn't wait for his response. I was already halfway out the door, my heart pounding in my ears, not caring one bit that I had left him and Zulu together.
Them cheating on me was the last thing on my mind currently. I had to get home.
My feet moved on autopilot, carrying me through the streets I had known so well a decade ago. The buildings, the shops, the people- it all felt like some kind of twisted nostalgia. It was the same, but I wasn't the same. My mind raced, a million thoughts battling for control, but none of it made sense. I wasn't Gabe's wife. I wasn't pregnant. I wasn't even twenty years old yet- not until next month.
How could this be happening?
Before I knew it, I was standing in front of my parents' house, closing the taxi's door. My heart skipped a beat. I hadn't seen this house in years- not like this, not with life still pulsing through its walls. My dad was not the same since- none of us were.
The lawn had overgrown and he fixed nothing around the house.
But now... Nostalgia hits me as I take in the sight of our front lawn. It was alive once more. My mother's love for flowers... I take it all in. The rich layered scents reach my nostrils and I am soothed a bit. Mingled with it is the grassy scent of both leaves, grass and soil because of the slight rainfall, earlier.
An internal quiver ran throughout my being then it turned into an external shudder.
My mother really is in there.