The next few days passed in a surreal haze. I reveled in the simple joys of life that I had long taken for granted- family dinners even though it's just my parents and me, it's filled with laughter, the smell of fresh cookies wafting through the house, with my mother's lighthearted banter. But underneath the surface, my mind was a whirlwind of confusion and conflicting emotions.
Every morning, I woke up in the same room, the same sunlight streaming through the window. I'd stretch and take a moment to let the reality sink in- I was a junior back in college, ten years younger, free from the weight of my recent past. Yet, no matter how much I tried to relish these moments, the shadow of my life with Gabe loomed over me. I often found myself staring at my phone, hesitating to check the messages I was sure I would find.
But, how? When Gabe and I had not met at this time but in 2018? I keep telling myself that. Why am I so strung out about him when I know it is impossible?
My parents send me back to my dorm when I insist both Liz and my twin join us for breakfast via video call.
I decide to take a walk around campus. The air was crisp and bright, filled with the scents of autumn leaves and distant coffee shops. As I strolled through the familiar pathways, everything felt both foreign and oddly comforting. I pass the student union, where students lounged on the grass, soaking in the sun, and my heart ached with nostalgia.
There, I spot Stanley, sitting on a bench, engrossed in a book, his brows furrowed in concentration. My stomach fluttered as I approached him. It was so strange to see him here, in this time when everything was simpler. "Hey," I said, trying to keep my voice steady.
He looked up, and a bright smile spread across his face. "Hey, Meg! Thank God. You're back in time for our study group." He is Dan's best friend and Dan has been calling my phone non-stop.
"Uh, yeah, of course," I reply, forcing a smile. Inside, I was wrestling with the weight of memories. I had to remind myself that I was not the person he thought I was. "I just wanted to take a visit home."
"Six days?"
"Yeah," I say lamely with a straight look and he shrugs his wide shoulders then pushes his narrow glasses up, higher on his nose bridge and I did the whole awkward move of turning to walk away and stopping to turn and walk in the other direction and stopping again.
He wants to ask me about Dan. And why I have been avoiding him, I could tell. But Stan closes his book and stands up, stretching his arms. "You should join us at the library later. I think we're finally making progress in Hanley's class," he said, a hint of excitement in his voice.
Right. Because Dan would be there. And Zulu as well.
"Sure, sounds great," I said, though my mind was elsewhere- my family.
As we fall in step together, Daniel walks over to us. I am acutely aware of every little thing; the way his hair fell into his eyes, the warmth of his presence beside me. But as he laughed at something Stan said, before he leaves me, I feel a rush of annoyance washes over me, despite his good looks.
I am not Dan's girlfriend… not really.
Suddenly, in the middle of our conversation, he leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips. My heart raced, but along with the flutter of affection, I feel a rising tide of anxiety crashing over me. I pulled back, looking into his eyes, searching for something I couldn't name. "Dan, I-"
"Everything okay?" he asked, a hint of concern creeping into his voice.
"Yeah, I just… need to go home," I said, the urgency of my need taking me by surprise. It wasn't a decision I was fully aware of, but something in me craved the familiarity of home, my family, and the comfort of my mother's hugs.
Before he could protest, I turned on my heel and walked away, my heart pounding. Each step felt like a small rebellion against the life I'd been living, a desperate grasp at something I had lost.
Weekend again, so I head home where I found my mother in the kitchen again, chopping vegetables for dinner. The sound of her knife hitting the cutting board was like music to my ears, a grounding rhythm that steadied my racing heart. She looked up, surprised but not displeased.
My heart wants to weep from the joy of my mother's presence. The room felt so safe, so familiar. It was everything I had been missing.
"Dinner will be ready soon. Why don't you set the table?" she suggested, turning back to her chopping.
I nodded, grateful for the simple task. As I arranged plates and utensils, I stole glances at her, trying to memorize every detail. The way her hair fell around her face, the soft lines around her eyes that told stories of years past. I felt an overwhelming urge to preserve this moment, to hold onto it as tightly as I could.
In time for dinner, my dad comes in, his arms full of grocery bags. The kitchen soon filled with chatter as he and my mom discussed their day. I sat there, quiet and observant, drinking in the sound of their voices, the laughter that erupted over silly stories.
The next day, when Liz and Matt arrived, I felt that familiar rush of excitement. The chaos of our family gathered in one room felt comforting, like a warm blanket on a cold night.
Only my twin is missing to make my family complete.
"Meg, what's with the secretive vibes?" Liz teased, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "You've been acting all weird lately. Are you hiding something?
"No, I'm just… enjoying being home, that's all," I replied, smiling, but I couldn't help feeling like I was living a lie.
Lunch transitioned into a lively discussion about weekend plans, I found myself drifting. My thoughts wandered to the future I had come from, and the heartbreak that awaited me if I stayed in that timeline. The knowledge weighed heavily on me- would I have the power to change it?
When it was time for bed, I found my parents in the living room, winding down from the day. I lingered in the doorway, watching them with a bittersweet ache. I had longed for this simplicity, this life filled with love and laughter, but I felt lost in a sea of memories and unfulfilled promises.
"Meg?" my dad's voice broke through my reverie.
I nodded, stepping forward. "Yeah, I just… I love you guys."
They smiled, and my heart swelled. "We love you too, honey," my mom said, her eyes sparkling with warmth, but she wears a worried expression as well.
As I climbed into bed that night, I felt a strange mix of hope and fear. My family was all around me, and for the first time in what felt like ages, I allowed myself to believe that maybe I could have a second chance. Maybe I could rewrite my story, but deep down, I couldn't shake the feeling that time was a relentless tide, and I was caught in its currents, desperately trying to swim against it.
Sleep came slowly, filled with dreams of the past and echoes of the future, a tangled web of what had been and what could still be.