My Breakup with Dan
Usually, my birthday sneaks up on me, but not this year. I've been thinking about it for weeks- ever since this whole 'blast back into the past'. It's the twentieth one. I remember celebrating so clearly the first time around, with a night out after celebrating at home with my family, that lasted until dawn, Dan by my side the entire time.
Cole and Avrielle also went their separate ways to end my twin's birthday in their own way.
But this time, I plan a small, quiet dinner with just my family, and I make sure not to mention it to Daniel.
It is the last birthday I had with my mother and twin alive. This time I intended to change everything about it.
The day is perfect. Dad greets me in the morning with one of his rare hugs and the day moves on with him making his usual terrible jokes. My mom bakes Avrielle and my favorite cake, chocolate with raspberries, and the smell fills the entire house as I help her in the kitchen. My elder sister and my future brother-in-law come in around lunchtime.
Avrielle walks in, one hour after, her arms loaded with balloons, announcing, "It's the start of your second decade, Meg! We have to do this right!"
"Happy birthday, my better half!" I shriek out, running to engulf her in a hug, my tears flowing. God, I've missed her so much.
"You know it," she grins and grunts because I am hugging her that tightly. She remains in my arms however and returns the embrace then after, "Happy birthday to us." We shower each other with kisses.
Cole hugs me lightly and shows me a gift-wrapped box. My gift. Thanking him, I take it and Avrielle and I skip off to do our twin bonding. I missed her like she never knew and would never know and besides, I have not seen, smelled, or touched her in years.
We decorate, aiding the two people hired by my mother to put up the decorations. My grandparents and other extended family came over, about fourteen in all so mom and the other old folks were busy in the kitchen.
My mother did not see the need to hire a caterer.
Laughter echoes and I feel a warm glow of belonging. It's a stark contrast to the feeling I've been holding onto ever since I got here. I'm no longer desperate or panicked to keep my life exactly like this; instead, I'm just here, letting myself enjoy it, savoring each moment.
When everyone is gathered around the table, Dad raises a glass. "To our beautiful daughters, Avrille and Megara, our brilliant, strong-willed daughters. Here's to more years of you both driving us crazy, but always bringing us more joy than we know what to do with."
We always shared a cake. My twin and I cut and shared the huge cake, then my aunt swoops in and cut slices for everyone and another adds a scoop of ice cream onto the same plate.
Grinning, as my twin and I find ourselves in a little corner viewing everyone, as usual, Avrielle nudges me with her elbow. "You didn't invite Dan. Are you two, okay?"
My heart skips a beat. She's not the only one who's noticed. Both Mom and Dad have been casting me little looks of concern since I came home. They had all met Dan once before and liked him and obviously, since I introduced him as my boyfriend, my family, like any other normal family, assumed that my boyfriend would be at my birthday celebrating with me. I take a breath, forcing a light smile. "We're fine. Just… taking things slow."
My answer doesn't seem to satisfy her. Avrielle narrows her eyes, her gaze curious. "Taking things slow? Meg, you and Dan are practically attached to the hip. Did you guys break up?"
I shrug, carefully avoiding her gaze. "Sometimes a little space is good, that's all. We're not broken up or anything."
Avrielle looks like she wants to dig further, but our parents interrupt, pulling us into a group photo, and she lets it go. For the rest of the evening, I throw myself into the celebration, laughing along with everyone, playing the part of a carefree college student. But there's a part of me that can't fully relax like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Five days pass, and the balance I've been holding onto so carefully finally teeters. Dan corners me outside the library, his face serious, arms crossed. "Meg, what's going on?" he asks, his tone sharper than usual. "Are you avoiding me?"
I feel the familiar tension rise, but I keep my voice steady. "No, Daniel, I've just… had a lot on my mind."
"Yeah? Because it feels like you're somewhere else entirely," he says, his gaze piercing. "You didn't even invite me to your birthday. I mean, what was that about?"
My heart pounds, and I search for the right words, feeling cornered. "It wasn't about you, Dan. I just wanted to have a quiet night with my family."
He watches me closely, then adds in a lower voice, "Is there someone else?"
The question catches me off guard, and I can't help the little laugh that escapes. "Someone else? No, Dan, there's no one else. Maybe the source that informed you of my personal affairs should have informed you of who was also there." It had to be Zulu, who else could it be? It disgusted me. Is this how it started between them? Or was it happening already?
He doesn't look convinced. "It's just… you're different. I don't know how to explain it. Like you're keeping something from me." He pauses, then sighs, "Or maybe you're just going through a… a moment or something..."
I frown at his choice of words. A moment?
"Trying to explore your options?"
Again, his words confuse me, and my frown deepens along with me spreading my lips and I fold my arms across my chest, wanting him to just leave me alone.
"Look, if you're, you know, experimenting with your sexuality or something, it's fine. I mean, if it's Zulu, I just need you to tell me."
My frown dissolves slowly as his words begin to unravel and I freeze, barely able to believe what I'm hearing. "Zulu? Me and Zulu?"
Dan shrugs, but there's an uncomfortable tension in his expression. "Well, you've been close, and you're obviously keeping something from me. I don't know… I'm trying to figure out what's going on with you."
A wave of anger and disbelief rushes over me. The irony of him bringing up Zulu isn't lost on me, considering what happened with her the first time. He has no idea how close he is to a painful truth. Zulu was, in a twisted way, the reason we broke up, but it had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with them.
Him accusing me of exploring my taste in genders with her is near comical, only I am not laughing. I straighten up, uncrossing my arms. "Dan, I don't know what you're implying, but whatever's going on with me has nothing to do with Zulu. And no, I'm not 'experimenting' with her." The frustration in my voice is clear, and I can see him flinch.
He looks at me, taken aback, then sighs, his face softening slightly. "Meg, I just want to understand. You've been pulling away, and it feels like I'm losing you. If something's going on, just tell me."
I take a deep breath, meeting his gaze. Part of me wants to scream, to tell him everything I know about the future, about how he broke my heart, how he and Zulu betrayed me in the worst way. But I can't. I'm stuck in this strange in-between, carrying the weight of memories he doesn't share. Just as I am stuck with sharing a room with her. I just cannot deal with them both.
"I don't know what to say, Dan," I reply, my voice low, eyeing the clenching jaw that I used to find the 'hottest thing' about him. "Maybe I've just changed. Maybe I'm trying to figure things out."
He nods slowly as if he's finally understanding something I can't bring myself to say out loud. "Okay," he says, his voice resigned. "But, Meg, if you're going to break up with me, just… don't drag it out. Be honest with me, alright?"
Not trusting myself to speak, I nod, nostrils flaring as I attempt to contain my emotions. My heart does ache- for despite me having the knowledge that Dan and I had a bitter breakup just before graduation- my young heart loves him now.
The brain and heart are two different things I understand then.
He gives me a long, searching look before he turns and walks away, leaving me standing alone on the library steps, my heart pounding.
Exhaling hard, I feel the tension in my chest release, but there's a hollowness, too- a loss I can't quite put into words. The floodgates open and I bend over then I stoop to the balls of my feet, letting the tears flow freely.
Unfortunately, Dan was not the one I truly loved. It had been Jeremy. And I met Jeremy two years later- three months after graduation. If Dan hurt this much, I did not want to meet Jeremy.