"Master, wake up." A sweet voice gently tugged me awake. Still half-awake, I reflexively answered.
"Didn't you stop calling me that already?"
"I've never stopped calling you Master, Master."
That woke me up completely. The memories of last night returned to mind and when I opened my eyes, I saw her face. Vera's response also confirmed to me that she didn't get her memories like I did. That meant… that the woman I loved for the past six years was gone. That the memories we shared, the daily life we lived together was gone. Knowing Vera was watching me, I tried to keep my face still.
Noticing my shift in countenance, Vera immediately got worried.
"Master, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, it's fine. I just had a weird dream last night. I-I'll be out in a moment."
"I'll head on to prepare breakfast, Master." Getting the implied message, Vera bowed and left the room.
I slumped back to bed, silently staring at the ceiling. I tried to get my feelings in order.
I missed her already. Wow, talk about being overly attached. It hasn't even been half a day since I last saw her and I was asleep for most of it. Thinking about it, we were with each other for twelve years straight. This would mark the first day that we were apart. Yes, sure, Vera of the future is the future of the Vera of today, but they're still different people. Yes, at this current point of time, I do love the current Vera, but I loved the Vera I lived with six more years more. Yes, in essence and soul, they're still the same person, but… they're still different. My heart started pounding.
Logically, I should be able to accept this sense of loss and focus on the Vera of today, but, emotionally, I can't help but feel different. I guess this is what it feels like to lose something important to you, huh. I never really had lost something before. I've read about this feeling so many times, but I never expected it to feel like this. This heartrending, gut-wrenching feeling must be it. My chest felt tight.
Back then, I never really empathized much with those scenarios and sometimes even ridiculed them as fools thinking they were just making mountains out of molehills. I guess I'm just as much a fool as they. I covered my eyes with the back of my hand, trying to stop the unwanted tears from flowing out. My stomach started moving.
I clenched the sheets with my other hand as I tried to stifle back the tears. I tried to calm myself down. I'm just being over-dramatic. This is just because it's the first time I'm feeling this. I'm just not used to it, that's all. I looked and wracked my head around for reasons to be able to handle the emotions I'm feeling. My mouth felt dry.
What do they usually say in these kinds of scenarios in books? She still lives on in my heart. She still lives through my memory of her. She's not dead as long as I still remember her. Time will heal this. Life will go on with the Vera of today. My vision was shaking.
I have to be strong. I have to stay strong for… for who exactly do I need to be strong for when Vera was the only one I had. Vera would want me to be happy; but would it really be happiness if it's not with her? My hands felt clammy.
Vera.
Vera.
Vera.
With each thought of her, the sensations got worse and worse.
I felt sick to my stomach. I curled up and just gave up. All the emotions I tried to hold in broke out and the tears rained down into my bed.
I was wrapped in softness accompanied by a soothing hum.
Did I fall asleep?
Soft palms were brushing through my silver locks.
"I got you something to drink, Master."
Vera always knew whether I was awake or not. I wanted to just stay like this with my eyes closed and imagine it was my Vera doing it, but it wasn't. I reluctantly raised my head from her lap, sat up, and finally opened my eyes.
I took the cup on the bedside table carefully making sure I didn't get a glimpse of her. I was afraid of seeing her and breaking down again when I still haven't gotten my emotions in order.
"Go ahead and wash your face in the bathroom, Master. I'll prepare food for you."
"Thanks." I escaped my room in a hurry.
God, I can't even say her name. How pathetic.
I washed my face and headed downstairs to eat. There, on the table was the breakfast I missed earlier. It was already noon, so she must've heated them again since it was still hot. However, the person who did this was nowhere to be found.
I slowly ate my breakfast, lost in thought.
I need to reset.
In the first place, why? Why did this happen? Why am I back to when I'm sixteen… that dream. When I woke up the first time, I couldn't remember it. Now, on the second time, I remember it and I'm sixteen again. There has to be a correlation there.
That voice! The furious voice that asked where I was. So that means she was looking for me. Does that mean that my decision to stay inside the barrier led to this? That my inaction led to something that made me go back in time? If so, what the fuck happened out there?
Was it really a mistake to stay here with Vera? …was my past six years together with Vera a mistake?
My face fell at that thought.
…was that why I had that innate feeling of needing to go out?
I stopped my line of thought — knowing if I keep going on that trail, I wouldn't be able to take it.
I finished breakfast, washed the plates, and sat on the sofa in the living room. Vera still hasn't shown herself. Did she notice I was avoiding looking at her earlier? Did I make her worry? Does she think that she did something wrong?
I scrubbed my face with my hands in frustration. Fuck. I shouldn't have let it show on my face.
I felt a warmth suddenly envelop me from beside me. She pulled my face into her embrace and started caressing the back of my head.
"V-Ummm…" I weakly started.
"Just stay like this for a while, Master." Her voice was still as gentle as earlier.
"I'm sorry for earlier." I went on.
"Keep still." She chastised me.
This time, I obeyed. She really did notice what I did earlier. She must've also noticed me breaking down earlier. With nothing else left to do, my mind drifted back to my earlier thoughts.
Is it really a mistake to just want to stay and live a peaceful life with the person you love? Is it?
"Dina, I don't know what happened. I don't know what's troubling you. I don't know anything. What I do know is that I'm here with you. That I'm always here for you. That I'll always be with you through it all. Your highs are my highs; my highs are your highs; and, when I was at my lowest, you raised me up. You brought me to such highs that I never knew was possible. You've made me happy. Now, it's my turn to return the favor. Please. Please, Dina, let me be your pillar. Your support. Your harbor."
She buried her face on my head and tightened her hold on me.
I breathed in her scent. Vera's still Vera. Though she might not be the Vera I spent the past six years with — or is it the next six years? — Vera is still her at her core. This sweet, kind, and shy girl. The one who's always by my side. Her words ignited the smoldering tinder deep in my emotions. Her words helped me reach my answer to that question.
No. No, it's not a mistake. What I did was not a mistake. Spending time with Vera here was not a mistake. The ones who made a mistake are the ones who made me go back in time. The fuckers who dared to fuck things up so bad that I lost my Vera. I'll need to leave this place to find those responsible.
A strange heat started to stir within me. A swell of irritation. My body tensed.
So this is anger.
Those shitstains really managed to evoke two new foreign emotions in me, huh. I guess that's something else I have to thank them for. I now had a goal within sight.
Her constant petting shook me out of my thoughts and instantly calmed me down. She was still patiently waiting for my answer. I broke out of her embrace and stared into her eyes.
"Hey."
"Dina."
"You won't think I'm crazy, right?"
"I won't."
"No matter what I say?"
"Yes."
"I… I came from the future."
"You're crazy."