Mother continue to send me letters every few days. She inform me how little peach is doing and outside what is happening. These letters are open and read by others before they are pass to me. She also said that she received letters from the border written by father. She did not elaborate further on it. I have to accept it that he is well and alive on the border. I continue to hope that my dingbat is alive somewhere.
My life in the inner palace is dry and stable. Books are frequently replaced in the bedroom. The emperor teaches me calligraphy. He enjoys listening to me play GuQin. Sometimes when he is in a good mood, he allows me to follow him around to various rooms. Some are occupy by the military officials, they can talk for hours on things that bore me. I will fiddle some books to read about military tactics. Other rooms have the law officers in it. They are incharge to implement new laws or remove old laws. There is another room where the royal painters are. They not only painting portraits or landscapes. They are also incharge of the maps of land and sea.
Most of the royal family events, i find myself sitting near the emperor and the empress. To the others they are loving couple. To the dowager, they are her last surviving children. At one of the outdoor events, the dowager wants me to follow her to look at the flowers. I follow her and assist by holding her hand. "I know we are in debt to you and Duke Su. We have make you suffer."
"Dowager, no i have not suffer."
"I know i can see it. You have officially married my Wen'er. Nearly have a child with him. Now he is gone, you became a concubine of my eldest son, Ning'er. As a woman, we cannot control our destiny. We have to follow what is given. I have a lot miscarriages before i given birth to these two boys. Thankfully, they are boys. Princess He Ching is born of a concubine survived her childhood. This royal family is weak. I have given my Ning'er many woman. None of them is pregnant. Even they are, the child cannot get through the third month. I fear that our descendants will not sit on this throne. I now again have some hope when i heard you are sleeping with Ning'er. "
"I ... I don't love his majestic but i respect him."
"Love? What is love? Do you think i love the late emperor that's why i sleep with him? No, i don't. I have to respect him back then. Just because he is the emperor, the rule of our realm. I detest his member for making me uncomfortable every few days. I am telling you this because it is our duty to give birth to offsprings. We need to continue this life. After we die, then there is a chance of reincarnation. "
"i understand your majestic."
"I need you and Ning'er to work harder on this. Give me at least two grandchildren. I will get more wild ginseng for both of you."
She hold my hands tenderly and look at me.
"I know what is going on inside this palace. I will take care of you because your mother is on my mother's clan. For generations, our clan's woman have been the standing behind the emperor. You are no acceptation. Your mother had escape being the concubine for my late emperor. Just because Duke Su and the late emperor grow up together. They know each other too well to steal a woman from another. I remember you came into the palace too when you are so little. Unfortunately you can't walk thus Duke Su carry you throughout. My sons take a liking to you and play with you. Our fate is like this Yu'er. We have to accept it. However i will not tolerate those who seek to disrupt the peace we have here. For now the important thing is to get you pregnant. Give birth to many grandchildren for me. When i close my eyes and go to see my ancestors, they won't blame me. Maybe i can be reincarnated again." She pause for awhile "Promise me." I look into her eyes and i don't know how can i promise her. I just nod my head without a word. She sigh and let me hands down but still holding them. "If you need a boost in bed, let me know. I can prepare everything for you. I will do anything to get the bloodline born in this world."
That night i comb my hair by the window. The vanity mirror shows me my miserable twin. She looks unhappy too. 'At least you are not physically here. Why are you miserable?"
"Who is miserable?" I see the emperor walking in and the door close behind him. I got up and bow. He walks towards me and hug me. "Don't be miserable. I already a miserable man here. Please smile." He kiss my forehead. "If you make me happy to nite. I bring you horse riding. How about it?" My eyes open wide. "Ah you are excited about that it, am i correct?" He hold my hand and together we walk to the bed. He hug me and whisper. "Serve me good to night on this bed. I don't care if the bed collapsed. " I push him away and walk to the vanity table. I hear some noised behind me but i ignore it. Through the mirror i can see he had taken off his clothes and he rush to me. I got lift up and he carry me while i struggle to get away. "We have done it so many times and you are still like this?!" He pin me down on the bed. We struggle on the bed as if we are wrestling. My clothes got torn and my nicely comb hair turns in a big mess.