I don't think that I was in med school for nearly as long as I think lol.
It was quite stressful having to work as much as possible, attend class, deal with a shit-ton of homework, juggle friends, and try to make time for myself.
I very rarely made time for myself.
On top of this, I still had no idea if the ever-growing child was mine or not, and I kind of didn't want to know.
A part of me was so afraid that he wouldn't be mine, that I found it a bit easier to just stay in the dark about it. But alas, it was haunting me...
I remember not sleeping munch which probably contributed to school and life in general being that much harder.
Bah lol.
Let's get to the entry, yeah?
Enjoy!
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March 19th, 2012.
Journal #024.
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There's always a while between my entries.
I don't like that so much.
I've come to the conclusion that I don't write much more any more -oops-
I think my stress is due to my not writing so much.
I need to write more to stay sane...and I need to not be around XXXXX so much...
We are always on two different levels on everything, and the arguing is to much for me to deal with.
I can't wait to be done with school...
It's annoying and I'm not very fond of being there.
I'd love to work 2:30-8 at -the- B&G's Club!
And it's an extra 15 bucks a day, meaning 75 bucks a week, meaning 150 every two weeks.
Meaning roughly 485 a check!
Nice.
One can dream, right!?
So, updates!
XXXXX Seen her!
Awesome!
She's doing good with her relationship, and I wish her the best.
I ran into white XXXXX on the bus with her child.
It was cool to talk to her again. It's been a long, long time. But we will keep in touch.
I need people to talk to.
I had lunch with XXXXX and her child.
It was nice, her kid is very cute.
Well, that's about it really.
I will be getting my DSXL soon!!! Yes!!!!
Score one for me!
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I think that Young me worded that whole third sentence weirdly and realized it after it was written, hence the -oops- lol
I have no other idea why I would have written it.
The sanity thing? STILL quite true these days.
I write a decent amount between this volume of Old Journals, my ongoing short story series: One Last Knight, and my poetry series: Shadows before dawn.
It is a lot admittedly, but it is also very good for my mind.
My brain just doesn't stop, you know?
My mind reels quite a lot...
But these things help.
The writing.
The ability to look back and psychoanalyze.
The terrifying vulnerability.
The warm reception by you all, the Readers.
You all just continuing to read along with my weird, angsty, quixotic, and often immature past adventures has been a huge help.
Even if I have yet to receive any feedback lol.
I will take your continued reading and silence as a stamp of the crowds approval!
The first XXXXX up there was she-who-carried-my-child lol.
I had come to find myself spending more and more time with her for some reason, and I was realizing that I needed a lot less of that.
In hindsight, I was so fixated on the child, that I was always letting my guard down around her.
You know, now that I think about it, I don't believe that I have explained to you all how she got pregnant in the first place lbvs.
Strange...
Long story short time!
We meet in the summer while I was skating around town with my Godbrother. She was with a friend of hers, and I distinctly recall NOT wanting to meet of talk to her simply because I didn't find her attractive at that point in time.
My Godbrother was always so much more of a horndog than I was, and he had insisted that we stop and talk to this pair.
So we did.
He acquired her friends number, while she had just given me hers in passing.
I recall him insisting that we trade just as soon as we had skateboarded away from them lol
I really should have taken him up on that offer! But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I would have felt rude and deceptive, you know? I had taken the time to talk to her and vise versa, and she had entrusted me with her phone number, I wouldn't just give it to another guy. That would have been uncouth.
But I probably should have.
She was MUCH more his type than mine, to say the least...and I would have saved myself sooooo much time, pain, energy.
Well, we live and learn, yeah? At least one would hope.
-As for school? My passion just began to shift from Pediatrics to just Teaching.
I wanted to continue with a field that would let me work with children, as I had none of my own, and had been through quite the shitty childhood myself. I just figured that Teaching would be not only more akin to what I wanted to do, but less complicated and expensive in the long run when it came to schooling.
I was sort of right? lol
Bah, enough of that.
-I remember working four to five hours a day for four to five days a week. I made maybe $10.50 an hour back then.
That is horrible, but to me it was not only a start, but decent pay.
I only wanted a few extra hours -fulltime- but they wouldn't grant me that.
Do the math lol. I wasn't making much, nor did I ask for a raise. I just wanted a couple extra hours a day, and they would NOT have it lol.
Man, oh man.
Nonprofits are wild!
That $485.00 was calculated BEFORE taxes lmao
AND it was the amount that I would receive every TWO weeks.
Lort have merbies.
-The second XXXXX was that good friend of mine who had declared her false love for me while drunk lol, yeah that one. I had thought that we were forming some sort of bond, but she had -known to me at the time- a boyfriend. One who was not keen
-As crazy as it may sound, I know (or knew) a couple of people with the same name. The third XXXXX would be an example of one such person. The "White" in front of her name referred to the fact that she was a Caucasian version of that person/name lbvs! For example: Black Adam and White Adam would imply -among our friend group- that one was a Black guy and the other a White guy lol.
This is not racist, it's race oriented and it was -to us- a hilarious way to just know who was who in passing.
We were very simple and unoffended folk back then lol.
-I remember going to "lunch" with this young lady. She was the same one who I would walk home from school after class some days.
I say "lunch" because it was a lot less of a formal, planned thing, and a lot more of a "I'm going to do laundry at the local laundromat, and I don't have a babysitter, but you can join me and help keep an eye on my kid while I wash and fold things." kind of thing, you know?
I just happened to buy us some food since neither her, her child, nor myself had eaten dinner just yet. It was a good time, nonetheless.
I am a very simple guy.
But it was strictly and very much platonic.
I was still battling my displaced and unrequited love for my ex fiance, and this lady didn't see me as anything more than just a friend anyway, so we were both quite comfortable just hanging out and doing a whole lot of nothing together.
She and I had a weird friendship because she was in an on and off again relationship with a guy who I think was her child's father, and he was one of those sorts that we all know and dislike who does nothing, is never around, but DEMANDS that the women that they share a child with remain single for absolutely no reason.
It sucks that we couldn't just maintain the cool and nonchalant friendship that we had, but such is life. I hope that she and her child are alive and well these days.
Covid took so many and so much from this world...
I often wonder how many old friends from high school that I haven't seen or spoken with in years may have passed, you know?
I don't want to know...
I like to imagine that they are all alive and well, and maybe reading this shit and laughing at the absurdity!
I don't recall if I ever picked up a DS XL.
I know that I wanted one for sooooo long, and I just couldn't afford it.
Some things we tend to chase into adulthood, you know?
I am an avid and passionate gamer to this day!
I own an Xbox, and I play daily, at least an hour probably, for my mental health more than anything lbvs. But I work hard, and write a lot, so It can also be a bit of a reward for me as well.
That, a good beer or wine, and a blunt tend to make for the best ends to a long week.
Or even minus the gaming and toss in a hot bath.
Life gets no better than that at my level lol.
I hope this finds you all well, and I hope you return for the next one, yeah?
See you soon folks.
-Redd.
PS.
If you would like to support a writer like myself, feel free to buy me a coffee!
I would appreciate it far more than you can imagine.
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/TeranceIvy
I love you all for your giving me your time and energy!
Safe travels!