I hope you all have been well.
I have been better honesty, but I am not one to complain.
I will say this much: Mental health is important folks. PLEASE see to it that yours is seen to.
You owe yourself that much.
Looking back at some of these pages has inspired a lot of change within me as of late, you know?
I have come to realize that I have suppressed so much more than I though I did.
It's been very eye-opening, and I am actually glad that I decided to do this
You all being here does make it a bit easier for whatever reason.
Thank you kindly for reading along, and I hope you stick around for a bit.
Enjoy.
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March 14th, 2012.
Journal #023.
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Stay out of my dreams you lowly siren...
You have no right to be there. To invade my only sanctuary...
"Where fears and lies melt away."
I...I dislike seeing her face.
The stupid apparition of her smile.
She destroyed my heart and just moved on as if I meant nothing to her...
She has no place in my newly built castle.
I hope Kasi haunts her dreams.
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Man...
The summer of 2011 was tough.
Sheesh.
I am pretty sure that I burned that years series of journals post-haste lbvs.
So much pain...
Man.
To make a long story short, I was engaged for the third -and what I figured to be last- time that year.
I had went to work at a summer camp, and I had met this young lady there. We worked together, and with time, fell in love.
It was quite the summer.
A summer of love.
I was caught in a daydream...
A beautiful lie.
So much escaping...
I thought that we would be together forever, I did.
We bonded over the struggles and hard times that came with working with hundreds of random children out in the middle of the forest for months on end.
I had even been her little brothers camp counselor but a handful of years before that summer.
Crazy.
Anyway, those eight weeks were some of the best times of my life.
The years after?
Those were not nearly as great.
After that summer, she left to college down in Tennessee. I thought foolishly that we could make the long-distance thing work, you know?
And at first it seemed to.
She even proposed to me.
Lucky me, right?
I mush have been doing something right!
But alas, it was all just a game for her.
She ghosted me from August to October.
That summer had all just been a good time for her, and "it all sounded so good at the time."
Her words, not mine.
She didn't love me, she didn't care.
She took what she could from me, and made her way.
Such is life, you know?
It still bothers me at time to this day.
Not her leaving per say, or even what she did.
I struggled with -and still do for reasons of my own- feeing of inadequacy.
I often feel as if I am not, and have not been good enough, regardless of how much I have given or how deeply I love...
Humanity is strange.
Cold.
Judgmental.
Selfish.
But we also have so much potential for love and patience and...
We just need to be better to each other is all, yeah?
I still believe in love.
It is hard to do so at times...
But it is there.
I have been through a lot, yes.
But I am trying not to let the things if the past cast ill light on anything that may happen in the future.
Healing and letting things go is a part of that, and these weird little one-sided conversations have kinda been helpful in that for the past few month, so thank you all kindly.
Listen...
If you love someone, tell them.
Life is short, you know?
If you don't love them?
Let them go...
Life is short, you know?
See you soon folks.
-Redd.
PS.
If you would like to support a writer like myself, feel free to buy me a coffee!
I would appreciate it far more than you can imagine.
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/TeranceIvy
I love you all for your giving me your time and energy!
Safe travels!
-Redd.