The closer that my ex got to her due date, the more anxious I got...
I was young and I did believe that I was ready to be a parent, a father.
I just didn't know what I didn't know, you know?
I suppose none of us are ever truly ready to take that sort of step, yeah?
I was also in college, working, and trying to balance women, all while looking for myself as well as the love of my life.
Oh, to be 22 again lol.
I've lived quite a life.
These little volumes do little justice in making that known lol
But alas, there are still many more entries to chew on.
Let's see where it goes, together.
Enjoy.
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February 6th, 2012.
Journal #019.
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This past weekend was...very interesting.
Between babysitting, I went to a few bars with my older brother *XXXXX.
It was actually pretty cool.
We hit a few places and met some girls.
Pretty cool.
Had a drink, then crashed.
I also got to hang out with *XXXXX.
It was a good time.
So: *XXXXX and *XXXXX?
Hmmm.
Very interesting year this ought to be huh?
Especially with a potential kid coming...
I wonder how this will all play out.
XXXXX is due back in like a month and a half and I want to buy my laptop and get it over with.
Why did I go back to her?
I have no clue besides me being an idiot...
Hmmm.
And now I will live with it.
If it's a boy, I'll give it a toy...
If it's a girl, I'll give it a curl...
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I don't remember if I ever mentioned this already, but I have never actually sat down and read about 80% of these journal entries.
This is so...weird for me.
"Cathartic and therapeutic." were the keywords I had chosen, I believe.
More the first than the second I assure you lol.
Nonetheless, one day I won't be here, you know?
I would rather this little life of mine and the story that it produced be told in some capacity I suppose. Maybe someone out there will take something from this and be inspired to do something or another?
Maybe not?
I won't be here to know, but I hope it does some good for someone.
So...there are five XXXXX's up there lol.
Four of which I believe are "new" people, so to speak.
The first: My eldest brother on my Mum's side of the family. Throughout our childhood, he would bully me. For what? I have no idea, and when we would link up -even these days- he would just act as if none of that ever happened lol. Weird, and a bit unnerving for me, but it is what it is lol.
The second: This was one of my God-brother's at-the-time girlfriends. That is plural because I am sure that he had at least two at the time. She was thought to be pregnant with this child, and I would check up on her for him -in public places mind you- while he was deployed and away. They didn't work out, and I am 90% sure that they never had a child together.
I wonder how she is these days? Hmm.
The third and fourth: I was in pre-med school, and I met my fair share of women while I was there. I wouldn't say I slept with any of them, nor was that ever my goal in making friends. I did hang out with a handful platonically. These were a pair of such women.
The first was...well, I don't remember lbvs. I am so sorry.
I remember MANY faces from those days, but I am and have always been terrible with names lol. This one is just not coming to mind for whatever reason.
As for the second? I remember her for many reasons, one of which was her stunning blue eyes. They were captivating, and her long, black hair and wide-rimmed glasses accentuated them that much more. I had the BIGGEST crush on that woman I tell you!
Lort have merbies.
And she was full-figured lol, to say the least.
She told me: "I would crush you."
I was a bit thinner back then, so I believed it.
And I wanted her to crush me.
So bad.
The fifth: My God-brother. He was in the military and wanted me to join alongside him dearly. I couldn't do it. I was on a path to become a Teacher (Pediatrician at the time actually) and I didn't care to leave that all behind for that new start.
"I've got soul, but I'm not a Soldier." Kinda thing, you know? While I have a fuck-ton of respect for military folk, it simply isn't for me.
As for the rest?
-I have no recollection of why I was in such need of a laptop, but it must have been quite important.
-I beat myself up a lot over going back to sleep with my ex, only because I didn't care to have that kid by her in particular. But I got over it with time. I simply came to realize that I didn't have to be with her and build a life with her just because we had a potential child together. I had much growing up and learning to do.
Was it a boy or a girl?
Well...more journal entries will answer that lol.
See you soon folks.
-Redd.