Hiraeth
Everything in this world is comparative, nothing is permanent, there is nothing we can do to even keep the same feelings we felt at one point, but those feelings don't vanish entirely, it stays inside your head, it buzzes like a warm yet riveting ringtone. In fact sometimes the feelings increase to an amount we can't really enumerate. So sometimes we regret thinking why don't we feel the same as we did earlier for that one person, sometimes we are overwhelmed seeing us crossing our limits in feeling for that same one person. It's a universal thing; we gotta admit and amend with the changes....
You know, everything in this world again is hollow unless we start to make sense of everything, the world is just a rugged empty paper and we are words which can make the paper worthy...but if the paper is nowhere then where would the words reside, right? So we are bound to be considerate towards our earth which in the first place isn't really liked by us and the reason behind this dislike is also our doings. The ancestors left their world to us only for us to tarnish it day by day by being so much worse than anyone could ever imagine. We ourselves make beliefs such as what is happiness and what is sadness. We ourselves differentiate between every right and wrong...but did you ever think that what if our definition of happiness is the definition of sadness, what if our description of right is absolutely wrong and is definitely right for the wrong ones? It is us who differentiate people by just the outlook of them and never once judging them by their inner side. It is us who made this world unworthy living; it is us who became the irritated inked words on the plain empty paper. But we still complain about the world for being polluted, corrupted and unlovely when we ourselves do it. We ourselves don't want to be kind and we expect for others to be kind...it will soon be void and vacant and the beautiful book of words which describe us would never be published for the other world to recite.
I can still hear the voices, the voice which was once filled with honey is now filled with guilt but we all forgot the part where his voice was laced with venom
"Please...I sorry"
I can hear my elder brother's voice. Heavy, thick voice. I can hear his pleadings; his concerned eyes are watching all over me, I can feel it with my eyes being closed.
Declan is my elder brother, we are three 3 siblings. 2 brothers and only sister being me. Other one is my second eldest, named David.
I can feel my eye patels getting heavy but I can open them now. I see a blank.
That means I am lying in a hospital bed again and revisiting my past memories before the memories shook me so much that I had to open my eyes. I miss Declan. The antiseptic sealed medicine bottles are just beside me on the racker. Sometimes a nurse gave it to me after treating my burn. The saline porcelain bottles are wired through my veins and I can feel myself floating in it. The needles are not that piercing though I think now I don't feel anything other than a slight buzz in my head.
I slowly flutter my eyes open. I can feel David's warm fingers intertwining with my left ones, on the other hand I see Declan holding my right one. Sitting beside my bed I guess with two tools besides.
I can already guess I am in one of the richest hospitals in Boston. How do I repay Javi that much goodness? but I am still imagining my brothers here. imagining how I wanted them to behave when I was in this position earlier. but nobody did. I just want to feel protected but nobody was there and nobody is here beside me. I am just hallucinating my brothers here. But I don't want these memories to end my hallucinations because loneliness creeps me out
In my hallucinations, I see Declan's eyes getting glossier as the time went. This man was my everything. My mother, my father, my teacher, my soulmate. Suddenly one day I saw him change completely. One day I saw my relationship with him get tarnished. I saw a stranger in this man that day. I look back at the ceiling in front of me, a crème coloured ceiling glaring straight back at me saying, he has said sorry enough, but after a few seconds, the same wall is screaming to me. How he saw me dying, how he saw me shattering into pieces and he left me to rot there.
5 YEARS AGO
"Please Declan, please let's go nah...please it's my favorite band please..."
I pleaded and almost pouted with my dried up lips...almost making myself force a fake cry for my dearest brother to agree and drive me to the concert. I already bought two tickets; David's not going because he has plans with friends. Declan can go, even though after handling one of the biggest companies in the real estate business of Boston, he can make a little time for his little sister! Declan has always been like this, he always takes me outside to refresh my mind. I have always grown into protective surroundings because of these two big built brothers of mine. I went to the college they were trustees of. I have never gone alone, rather with one of them always and always one of them came to pick me up. They were really protective of me and more like possessive. I was their only responsibility and one and only family to protect. My brothers never let me get a single scratch; I was always their first priority. I also made selective friends and the friends they told me that they would be good for my mental peace. I never felt suffocated that much or felt controlled, but I felt grateful to them for always choosing my benefit. I wasn't supposed to visit any of my friends, I wasn't allowed to, in fact whenever I used to feel lonely Declan or David would take me outside whether they are really busy or amidst signing the biggest deals. I always came first in their life. After my mom and dad's death in a car crash, we were each other's family. They took care of me, made me feel happy and valued. Whenever I used to miss my friends, they used to call them in our home. I wasn't allowed to go to the mall also; I always bought clothes at our house. I wasn't satisfied with this decision but nobody can deny Declan's command. So we agreed to make him satisfied.
"fine"
I jumped laughing my heart out and hugging my brother with all my might. I heard his giggles and he said
"go now change, I will come changing in 5 minutes, and yeah eat something before we go"
I nodded and smiled. He left patting my head to his room
We got into his car after a while and I literally begged him to let me drive. At last he couldn't resist my cute dumpling-like eyes, I bet. I laughed and I felt like my laughter echoed for a long time. No wonder it was my last laughter to ever be heard. I started driving...I saw a girl's picture and frowned asking
"Declan new girlfriend huh"
Declan never had any girlfriend though, just went on a couple of dates but he never found his so-called love at first sight. I remember, me and David teased Declan for so many days after those unsuccessful dates.
He scratched the back of his neck and pushed as hard as ever. I looked at him and widened my eyes seeing it.
"Declan don't tell me you found the one, why don't I know it?"
He laughed and said
"shush, I just met her yesterday, she is my new secretary" he whispered with a tint of enthusiasm in his voice
I jumped on my seat and Declan rebuked me saying
"Relax doll, you will get me killed" his tone was more hesitant, more like the shy one.
I laughed and he patted my head
"So tell me about her" my voice dripping with excitement
The girl was so beautiful with red hair and blue eyes. Like sunshine, like a sunflower. All in all a sun devotee. I was so happy for Declan.
I saw Declan's eyes getting wide and I returned my eyes to the road only to see a truck approaching our car. I unintentionally entered the wrong side of the road. There was no way to back away from the car, we had to overtake the truck but there was no space left in the road. I tried my very best to move past two cars which were on both sides. I was caged between two cars and a big weight lifting truck.
My hands started shaking, I could see my eyes getting teary to the brim and my fear was overtaking every emotion of mine
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IDIOT?"
That's the first time Declan yelled at me. His yelling seemed so evil to me, as if he wasn't the person I am used to hearing, but I can understand his worry for both of our safety. I couldn't look him in the eyes; but I felt anger increasing in his eyes, it was my fault that I decided to drive that night.
The truck came at a speed I couldn't decipher; everything was happening in a snap that I couldn't even count my own breaths. I felt Declan spitting some more curse words. I felt breathless at one point in those milliseconds. I felt helpless and useless; everything was happening in a blink of an eye that I never noticed Declan already opening his side door. I thought he could drag me with him in time, but before he could look back, the truck already hit the car and I felt my car just jerked in the air for a few seconds and then crashed on the concrete with screeching tires busting with the loudest growl. I was forcefully pushed to the steering wheel and my head got dumped in it. I never realized it was so hard in the first place, I felt blood oozing out of my head and I started feeling an excruciating pain, I felt dizzy. I couldn't understand what was happening but I realized my arms had glass pieces of the front shattered glass.
Tears brimmed my eyes in severe pain.
I heard Declan
"COME OUT FAST YOU IDIOT, THEY WILL CATCH US, WE BROKE THE RULE"
Declan's voice was so distant as if he was standing far from the car.
Rules? His own sister was bleeding like a tumbler and he never noticed it, he was concerned about getting arrested by breaking some rule. Maybe he didn't see. Maybe if he sees me he would come running to me. He can't see me hurt, or his priorities changed all of a sudden. Or he cares about his own life with that sunshine girl only?
I helplessly called him
"Declan, I am hurt"
"OH COME ON, THIS LITTLE HURT YOU CAN HANDLE...COME OUT COME OUT"
I heard him and tried my level best to come but my legs were stuck between the truck tire pressed in front of the car. I felt a bone crushing pain on my legs, as if my legs were getting broken, my head was bleeding a lot, wasn't Declan seeing it? why can't he enter the car and help me
"Please help"
I begged him, my only family. I begged and begged
"Please Declan I can't get my feet out"
There was no response
"please Declan, please Declan"
There was no response
I called again and again, at a point I was tiredly whispering
"please Dec.."
I never realized I was spitting out blood with my words. I got scared seeing so much blood, I saw red and red everywhere, I felt my insides crashing down in disappointment and hurt and betrayal. Where is my protector now? I felt the physical pain was nothing in front of the ripped heart of mine. I turned my eyes from the chaos in front of me, I looked around the area soon getting sealed by numerous police officers and ambulances. I looked at everyone but I couldn't see my brother there. I couldn't feel my home, I couldn't see those reassuring eyes telling me I will be fine. Why did he run away?
My little heart broke a thousand times more realizing he was selfish, he cared about his own life because he found a reason to live for, but he forgot the reason he lived till date for. Was I only a responsibility that he can't fulfill this time. Wasn't he living for us to be together? Was he planning to leave me after finding a new reason to live and leave me? Coward. I laughed as tears and blood spilled from my eyes and mouth.
My Declan was a coward...my Declan is a coward. I could hear my heart breaking another time when I was carried by some strangers to the ambulance, screaming in extreme agony and pain. Grief was slowly slowly eating me up. I was so hurt that I felt I would burst soon. I had trusted that man all my life.
I was taken to a hospital and was lifted again by those strangers' cold hands. rather a pair of warm arms, my Declan. My home.
I noticed my home was tarnished in those milliseconds before the truck hit me. unconditional pain was howling inside me and I black out thinking, I lost everything. My brother, my mother, my father and my soulmate. Lastly my home
I remember David coming running to me tackling me in his embrace and I felt I haven't lost everything yet. But my Declan never came. He never came to visit me. He came after a month or two and cried on my feet expressing his guilt. But he never understood, my heart killed this person that night when he left me to rot and die. He told me he got selfish; he told me he got scared for his and his love's life. I nodded and hugged him. For the first time my heart never beat for this man and I felt like I embraced a rock, not a human. I was dead to him in my heart but I acted as if nothing happened.
After that day I stopped going to Declan, stopped talking to him unnecessarily. Stopped asking him questions about his life, stopped looking him in the eyes. but my brother was so blind in love with that sunshine that he never noticed I was slowly slipping out of his hands, his affection and warmth. One day my brother got married to that girl and came to me saying he got married to that same sunshine girl. My brother got busy with his wife gradually and never looked back at my longing eyes, my longing arms, and my longing words. My brother never saw me crying myself every night in my room, he never heard my screams. David was so focused on his dreams of getting on the volleyball team that he never cared about me. He called me for the first few months, but then eventually stopped calling me one day. I was left alone. I felt lonely in my own house. I looked at Declan from far afar going out with his wife, my dear sunshine. Sunshine was always engrossed in my brother to make me a friend at least. I saw them smiling and laughing ignoring my existence. We never ate together, we never shared bedtime stories.
I understood my brother, but I was too young to not ask for my shared time too. But my brothers left me to rot alone in the nights when darkness became my only friend, where thoughts started roaming around my mind and I couldn't control them. I became restless and as the days went, I became anxious in loneliness. I studied very hard but I couldn't concentrate on learning anything, I just memorized and gave exams. I stopped crying eventually because there was no one to wipe my tears, I started ignoring my brothers too; I never went to them but always locked myself in my room. but my thoughts were drowning themselves in my brain and I couldn't hold onto any one of them. Every night I craved communication. I craved affection. I screamed my heart out sometimes but I eventually got tired of no one hearing me. I felt I became a mute to my brothers, my home was ruined.
I minded my own business from then, but one day. I was once again wounded. This time the wounds remained physical and mental both. I was killed right at the spot. I was split apart.
PRESENT
"Hiraeth"
I heard the middle aged nurse's voice and got back into reality from remembering the heinous past. There were two more nurses there standing just behind her with trays filled with syringes and maybe liquid medicine vials. I pushed myself more into the bed mattress and untied my hands from my hallucinations. I looked at them with absolutely no emotions. I felt no emotions as well, I am already dead. There is no buzzing in my heart for them.
I can still see them, my hallucinations can't leave me alone
I looked back at Declan's eyes, green eyes just like his sunshine. Those eyes have nothing but pity for me, absolutely no worry at all. I can tell after observing him for years. I looked at David; the regret hasn't reduced from his coffee brown eyes. I can tell. Even though I don't live with them now
I don't want anything else from them ever again. I wonder how they knew I was dying. They should have left me to die. They should have let me go. They did indeed, because they aren't here. My brain plays with me more often than needed. stop coming through my memories.
I whispered closing my eyes
"Let me go please"
I felt a real hand now and this time it was the nurse's.
I covered myself with the hospital provided blankets. I noticed my arms were bandaged and my right cheek has a big scar from the burnt, my feet are numb and completely unstable, I can't move them still. Syringes from a pipe tube and two saline bags were inserted with injections on my wrist. I can feel my body has many bandages by now. I closed my eyes feeling absolutely nothing. But why a tear trickled down the corner of my eye. I wiped my eyes and closed them tightly, wanting my brothers to leave me alone, to leave me for forever. I can't stay with those people whose happiness doesn't rely on me and with those people with whom I can't find my solace anymore. I feel homesick around them. My home isn't theirs now. My home is a sun eyed boy, whose stars are different from the others and with whom maybe I would never meet.
It's not like I don't have good memories with my brothers. But the memories became tainted slowly. Each of them.
I remember Declan giving me caramel bars whenever I used to fail to find him in hide and seek, I used to sulk and he would run around the whole house giving me caramels everytime I used to catch him while running after him, I remember David taking me to amusement parks and used to make me ride the Ferris wheel as many times as I wanted, then he used to hold me so much tightly on the roller coaster so that I don't get scared but eventually he used to get scared not me. We used to laugh until our lungs hurt, David used to carry me in my school days too, saying I was still his little doll. He used to revolve me high in the air and sway our bodies and right at that moment Declan used to crash against us making us fall on the ground. I remember Declan making me eat while I was running, arranging my books for school, I remember David running to the high school and almost pulling a guy's collar because he was teasing me. I remember David and Declan not sleeping at all whenever I was sick, they were holding me the whole night when I got pneumonia. I remember Declan booking the whole movie theater because I used to feel uncomfortable around many people.
I also remember how Declan never asked me again for an outing, I remember him never approaching me to even ask if I want to go outside sometime, or have I eaten or not. I remember David not taking me to amusement parks anymore, and not trying to threaten every guy trying to tease me. I eventually found myself alone in my battles. I lost my brothers in some path I never was familiar with. I wish I was never BORN.
I felt another tear trickling down my eye and I slept thinking the pain was physical. Was it?