FIRE
Hiraeth
What kind of fire is it? What kind of fire was it? Why can't it be vanished, quenched or stopped? Why is this night burnt? Why was that night blissful? What is this hope igniting in me from my previous happiness, grief and restlessness? A stranger he is, a stranger I was. Then why is he familiar? Then why is he a stranger in the first place? Why that stranger felt my own part which burnt away from me. What is this fire within me to let the burnt part to ooze in me in quietness? Why do I want him? Why don't I want him at all? My heart listens even if he remains silent. He comes in my dreams without showing his face. But I have seen him. The more I did the more I wanted to feel for his imperfections. I want to feel his scars, his wounds, his grief, his bruised body makes me want to kiss him hard and make him believe he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. He is there in reality or maybe not, he is mine or maybe not. Why do my dead hopes crash when he doesn't come in my dreams? I feel helpless without him in my arms but he was never there. Why is he there is my tale and why do I feel his whole story is me? Was it me? I remember Tristan…
But being a person of remembering every single thing. I can remember every memory which haunted me and not only this
Human beings always remember the bad memories more than the good ones. But if the good ones are tainted? if the people in those memories are the ones who created the bad ones? Was it me? Did I destroy the good memories? My mind is consumed by those memories. Tristan is the only memory I never want to taint by the effect of those past memories. I never want it to be the worst one. I am a curse. I ruined everything, I myself ruined my memories...I pushed away people.
In the flames I see, my memories. Never fading out.
"Have you seen Hiraeth?"
I can hear voices; I can see the fire flames touching my skin slowly slowly. My eyes shine from the effects of smoke.
"I really miss her?"
I laugh through the streams of sweat dripping from my forehead. The lines are roaming around my head. the lines of my destruction...
I lie on the floor and wait for the fire flames to burn my skin...would it burn very much? Would it hurt? Would it leave a scar? I laugh
I feel my nostrils filling the smell of petrol and smoke. My bedroom floor is cold. But gradually turning warm. I feel warm, I feel warm everywhere...I can see my curtains are turning into ashes, I can see the bed sheets crippling away with the fire flames. I close my eyes and remember...those people. Those cuts I got, those words I had to listen to, those collapsing thoughts which once killed me away from my people...
My mind gets straight into those dark memories of my head. I can see red. I can feel my arms getting too warm. My flesh is peaking through. That means my skin is burnt wholly. I laugh. What a desire it is! To die in peace.
Why isn't the burn making me feel any pain?
"I want to see her please"
I can hear the voices of my lover...
After the flames carry me to destruction, I will be at peace, there will be no one to hurt me. I will be untouchable
Right at the moment I can hear Tristan's voice. My sun eyed boy who might never see my dead body. the boy who has his own stars.
"You will hold me?"
I can't. I am sorry Javi, Your emotions invaded me, but I am scared, I am cut inside, I have wounds, you will feel disgusted. I am the grief you are running away from. My sadness will make you dead. Please be alive, Javi. You are my star eyed boy, the only alive person I have ever seen.
I don't want you dead like me Javi...
I can feel the flames attacking my other arm. My skin is getting rotten under the flames...I laugh and laugh and laugh. Nobody can hurt me now.
I never knew fire flames' touches would be this much intoxicating.
I close my eyes and I see Tristan's sun eyes. The shine he radiates.
The flames touch my feet. I feel like I am flying higher. I feel like I am drunk in the feeling of getting burnt wholly.
I can feel the warmness touching my skin and I let loose all of my strength. I let the fire take me.
I can hear banging on my door, I can hear more thrashing on my door. Someone is trying to open it. Someone is pushing their body to the door to break it now. Who might it be?
I can feel my right cheek burning a little by little.
A little bit please, let me die in peace. Don't open the door. Please I beg you...I rant in my head...
The fire flames are howling...
Let me go
The door is broken apart, I can hear. I frown with my closed eyes.
I can feel the cold air on my skin. I am carried in a pair of muscular arms. My eyes are closed. I don't feel my body underneath. I don't feel the scar. My whole self is paralyzed. I can't even open my eyes even if I want to now. Is it Tristan? How did he find me? It must be Javi
I am dragged by those arms. I am embraced tightly by the warmth I am so familiar with. The armed someone is getting up carrying me from the floor, I am covered in a so much warm hug. The arms are covering my burnt skin. And I black out into nothingness soon thinking maybe it is the end. I am thanking god before completely getting numb for me to be in a pair of safe warm arms. I want it to be Tristan's. Please be Tristan whose arms I died, but it's Javi's. Love is a pathetic revolution isn't it?