Thoughts Of Me

When I'm tired the world goes back to feeling gray. I feel as if no matter what happens I won't feel. Loneliness is a terrible thing, yet can I even say i feel alone. I just can't feel,  as I write this tears fall from eyes, yet those tears have no feeling behind them. Sometimes I want to stab myself to see if I'm truly alive. I call myself a monster for these thoughts yet even monsters feel at times. To have no desire is a terrible thing. I have no want to die or live. I just am, that's all. I wonder if I die how would they react. Would anyone care. Why would they care. These thoughts are pointless as they lead to nothing yet I walk into the same dead end all the time. After I sleep my thoughts will change but they truly never do, simply I'm just better at coping when fully awake. You know sometimes it feels as if there more than one mind in side of me. When I see something or hear something its like a new person takes over. Maybe that's my form of coping. My thoughts often wonder to what love is. I wonder what it feels like, I can't say i desire it right now but I probably will in a few hours as my mind is fickle. Does love make your chest tight. I'm truly curious about love. To love is to live which means I've never truly lived. Funny enough I continue where I left off. I get annoyed by most people it seems. The center of my head started to hurt because of them also. There all so childish, it's like they have no complex thoughts going threw there brain. I just feel like a broken mirror, and I don't know how much longer I can continue to do this. It's all so dull and bland. Who am I is the real question. Would it not be fun to die for someone probably not huh. But I have to keep a smile on my face. I have to be happy so no one worries. Even if I have to brainwash myself into believing that. Even if I must feel pain for it. Sometimes I want to have a conversation to my good friends about deep topics,but I don't as I feel as if they wouldn't listen. My worries and troubles come from myself. My pain is always self inflicted. Sometimes I wish I could lose myself in a art. But that's impossible as nothing makes me stop thinking. MY DAMN THOUGHTS NEVER STOP. I just want peace and quiet yet I never get it. My mindset most of my life has been Victory over all else. What is the point of doing something if you are not the best. Failure should never be tolerated. Yet it's this same mindset killing me now. I get injured so bad sports become dangerous to me, unless I'm willing to sacrifice my right arm. Everything i truly enjoyed ripped from me. Everything I want to do, gone. Now I have to start anew. anew I started and victory I sought. But victory never shined on me. Just blank dullness, a perpetual gray. Gray I hate gray. Because of this damned gray I've contemplated suicide.  I just want to cry and feel sad. You want to know something sad. Is that if I feel sad I'll also feel happy, why, because I feel. My body is like a river of emotions with dam.