I wish to be nothing, to not think, to not breathe, to not be.
I just want peace, I want the rain to flow when I'm not here, when nobody's here.
Truly I'm tired, tired of thinking, of effort.
My mind is stuck with thoughts of how the world was made.
These thoughts they never stop. And as confident as I might be in my thoughts I'm still tired.
Rest is all I ask. So please let me.
But in the end these are also thoughts of my mentally Ill mind.
Sometimes I even talk to myself in the action of cope. I wish to hear someone like me speak. Even if that person is me. We could be special I tell myself, but who is we when it's just me.
I sound insane do I not, I'm truly crumbling under my thoughts.
I've went to therapy but they're of no help.
But I'm still thankful to them, as they're trying to help me.
My accent, it's so interesting. Sometimes it is similar to my parents and those who live around me. Other times it's British or a hippie like accent.
The internet is the cause for this.
When I say different things my accent changes. When I talk to certain people or about certain topics it changes. Why, I truly couldn't tell you. But in the end, I want peace.
Whimsical is what I call my mind, fickle also. But at times it's so melancholy that even the sun cry's, the sky goes dark and light doesn't shine threw. Truly all I want is peace, a sweet release from this world.
But not in the sense of death, as how can I be at peace when I hurt those I care about.
Truly is peace not the hardest thing to claim.
As St Francis De Sales said "nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing so gentle as real strength." I just want peace, and to have peace you need to be strong. So if I want peace I must love and be gentle. Truly all I want is peace.
How can I gain this peace, this kindness.
How do I Love. How can I love, there no one to show me this, one of the few things you must learn on your own. And something I haven't.
Then let's ask ourselves the question what is love.
Is it my desire to sleep with you, or is it my desire to see you succeed.
No I at least think it's sacrifice, to give up yourself for someone else. To lose money fame or power for them.
This is how you show you care.
So if I want peace I must cut my selfish desires and keep the selfless ones.
To find peace I must lose a part of me, the bad part of me.
Then find someone else to be my other half.
To find someone that cut themselves apart.
When I do I will no longer have selfish thoughts, as they take care of me and I of them. If we are both selfless for one another everything will work.
There is no give and take, but a give and give. As who would want to take from those you love.
But I have yet to cut myself up, and find that other half. So peace will be looming over me like an annoying bug waiting to be swatted. A bright red button waiting to be pressed. A rose waiting to be picked.
A cloud waiting to drop its rain.
You getting ready to have beautiful thoughts.
Truly the selflessness in you is beautiful beyond beauty. Yet your selfishness might be the ugliest thing on earth. But what I see is your beauty, for even in the bloodiest battlefield a flower can still bloom.