September 1st, 1952
Manhattan, New York
Oh, no, no, no, no!!!! Oh, diary!!!! Just WHAT do I do about this!? Well...before I begin to panic...I should probably explain. On Friday night (today is Monday), I dreamt about KISSING Mary! That's just despicable! I should only dream about kissing men, right? Oh, dear god, no! I am NOT a lesbian—or whatever they're called!
And to make matters worse than just that dream...today at school, I was talking with Mary, and she asked me a very peculiar question. "Hey...Vita? How do you feel about...𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘣𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘴?" I was stunned...who just asks that out of nowhere? And with such an expecting look too!?
I mean, to be frank, I never really understood why they were so looked down on...it's not that big of a deal...but I would NEVER want to be one!
"Um...I don't really care...I think they're...over hated?" I replied. Her eyes lit up. What was going on???
"Right??? You get it!!! Like, why do people care so much!? It's really not that big of a deal!"
After that conversation at lunch, she began flirting with me and teasing me! I mean, I get that it was a joke...I think...but who jokes like that!? "Drive-in movies and making out!?" Was she crazy!?
To be honest, I did joke along and said something like, "Meet you at 9," but...that's not the bad part! When we got back into class, she kept looking back at me (she sits in front of me) and drawing something. My heart was beating so fast when she looked at my face like that...but I shouldn't think of her like that!!
When she finally showed me the drawing...it was me...IN A WEDDING DRESS!? Oh, I'm still so flustered! What do I do? Dolly only bit me when I asked her!
I'm not a lesbian, I'm not a lesbian, I'm not a lesbian, I'm NOT a lesbian!!!
September 8th, 1952
Manhattan, New York
Diary, I think I might actually like her! But how can I not? She won't stop teasing me! Maybe it's my fault for playing along...but, I really do like her!
But I'm not a lesbian! I shouldn't even like her! This is wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! What do I even do about this!?!
Every time she jokes around or looks at me with that playful smile, my heart does this crazy flip. It's confusing! I keep telling myself that I shouldn't feel this way, but it's getting harder to ignore. And the way she draws me...in a wedding dress, no less! What does that even mean?
I feel like I'm in a whirlwind of emotions, and I can't figure out how to ground myself. I want to push these feelings away, but they keep creeping back in. Is it normal to feel this way about a girl? What if everyone finds out?
I wish I could talk to someone about this, but who would understand? Dolly didn't exactly offer any insightful advice last time. I feel so alone in this. I don't want to lose Mary as a friend, but I can't keep pretending everything is fine when it's not!
What do I do? I need to figure this out before it drives me completely mad!
September 14th, 1952
Manhattan, New York
Mary and I have been acting out our own drama-romance movie! She's a part of the theatre, so we do this to help her practice her skills. I love it because we get to dance and hold hands! Our faces always end up so close, and it makes us both blush and laugh! She's sooo pretty!
September 25th, 1952
Manhattan, New York
I've come to a conclusion. I like Mary. I love Mary. I am a lesbian...god, no, I'm not. But I like Mary! I want to marry her! I want a big pretty house with her and lots of cats, (dolly included, of course)! I want to dance with her, I want to kiss her, I love her!!! Oh, what do I do about this? This feels so wrong! Dolly isn't very much help either! She only cares about food. Ugh!
October 28th, 1952
Manhattan, New York
It's getting closer to Halloween...Mary is so cute! She suggested we dress up as Cinderella and Prince Charming, but I said everyone would tease us. Instead, she said we could have a class party with just the girls—a sleepover! I begged Mother and Father until they finally said yes! I'm going to Mary's house this weekend!!! Also, I might actually have a chance with her! She said she was bisexual! I hope this sleepover goes well! I'll wear Mother's lipstick...she won't know.
October 31st, 1952
Manhattan, New York
Diary...I don't know if I should be happy or cry! The sleepover was pretty well...kind of...not what I hoped for? I got there first.
"Victoria, you're here!" she said—no "Vita"?
"I'm here, Mazzy." She gave me a somewhat snarky look.
"Hey...don't call me that in front of the others...and don't joke around with me in front of them either, or like ever again. It's kind of weird. I'm not a dyke, I'm normal..."
She was literally the one who started it all? What did that mean? She said she was bisexual?
"Um...alright? I thought it was an inside joke...who else is coming?"
She listed a few names of other girls in our class. Later, we walked to the shopping center with the rest of the girls, and she and I snuck off from the rest. She said it was our own little date. I thought perhaps she was just in a bad mood when I first got there!
My heart really dropped when the girls were sitting around in a circle, and we were saying which boy in the class we were crushing on. When it came to Mary, she said she was crushing on the jokester in our class, Auggie!
But it only got more confusing from there because after the game, I was sitting on the couch, and she came to sit next to me and said that I'm the only one she feels comfortable with there! Then, later, we were watching the romance movie Gone with the Wind, and she kept looking up at me as if she wanted to kiss me while laying on my lap! What does any of this mean? If only Dolly would tell me...