My sister's funeral had passed, and a few days had gone by. Strangely, my mother was unusually kind, and even though my father and I had parted on bad terms, he didn't mention it at all. In the end, my running away just fizzled out without much consequence. Now that my sister was gone, I felt like I had to be here—I needed to be here, though I wasn't sure why.
"Do your best, Kaya. I'm rooting for you," my mother encouraged.
"Yeah," I replied.
We had breakfast together as usual. It had been a long time since I'd heard my mother's encouraging words. I didn't even know what I was supposed to be doing my best at, but I answered her anyway. The house had been eerily quiet since my sister's death. We hardly spoke, and when we did, it was only a few words. My father, who would have definitely scolded me for being so lazy in the past, was oddly silent. There was something hovering over the house—something different from sadness. Was this how it was when they thought I had died?
Even in my room, I couldn't bring myself to do anything. Since that day, I hadn't felt like doing anything at all. Despite my mother's encouragement, I hadn't touched my studies, and I hadn't gone outside to see Mai or anyone else.
Was my sister really such a big part of my life? Or... was it something else? I couldn't figure out my own feelings. Was I sad that my sister had died? Or was I just confused, unable to recognize that, deep down, I was actually happy about it? There were times when I thought I'd be better off if she weren't around, but I didn't feel that way anymore.
When I closed my eyes, the memory of that feeling would return, making it hard to sleep. I decided to go downstairs for some tea. The lights were still on. My parents were still awake, talking about something. I knew I shouldn't, but I decided to eavesdrop.
"It's Kaya's fault that Yuu is dead. It should have been her who died instead," my father's voice muttered harshly.
"There's no use saying that now. We only have Kaya left," my mother replied.
I knew I shouldn't hear any more, so I quietly returned to my room. Surprisingly, I didn't cry. After all, I felt the same way. Why did my sister have to die instead of me? If this was how it would turn out, I should have died back then. Yes, that's it. I should die. Why did I forget that? If I die, I can reset everything.
Something about this situation feels wrong. It's all wrong. My sister's absence has thrown everything off. That must be it. That has to be it.
Finally, I started to move. Still in my pajamas, I ran outside without even changing clothes. There was no need to worry—my parents wouldn't come after me. I ran non-stop toward the bridge. The bridge was unchanged, welcoming me as always. This will set everything right again. Everything will go back to normal. I wished I could erase these memories as well. And then, I threw myself over the edge once more.
Oh, moon, beautiful as ever even when you are incomplete. In the end, I failed again. What should I have done? I think I'm just... so tired. Should I have never wished for anything? Was I not supposed to hope for anything? Am I only left with the option to obey, to be abandoned once I fulfill my role? If that's the case, at the very least, let me believe that I saved my sister's life. Let there be some meaning, some purpose in this...
* * * *
"Haah," I gasped.
It seems I succeeded. Now everything can go back to normal. Haha... yes, that's right, everything is back to the way it was. I'll reclaim the ordinary days, as if nothing ever happened. Because in reality, nothing did happen, right? Only I remember, after all.