month had passed since our parents died. Sometimes, the school would call, but my sister wouldn't let me go back yet. Lately, we spent our days shopping together or taking walks.
"Hey, sis, is it okay for things to stay like this? Is it really okay for me to be alive when I can't do anything?"
"What are you talking about, Kaya? Of course, it's okay. It's more than okay for you to be alive. Things will be fine just like this. You don't have to worry about anything."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. There's nothing to be anxious about. I'll protect you."
Ah, why did I ever try not to rely on my sister? If I had, things would have been so much easier. Why did I resist? There's nothing to worry about now; I should feel content.
"Kaya, are you okay?"
Late at night, while I was asleep, my sister shook me awake.
"What is it, sis? It's still so early."
"You were crying in your sleep again. You've been having nightmares a lot lately. Are you sure everything is okay?"
She told me I had been crying again. I couldn't remember anything, but I must have been having nightmares. Or maybe I was crying now because I couldn't cry that day. To calm me down, my sister made me a warm cup of cocoa. It reminded me of the time Mom made me cocoa once.
"It's all right now. There's no one left to hurt you. So, please don't cry, Kaya."
"Okay."
"You've worked so hard up until now. That's why you need to rest."
I remembered how Dad praised me when I passed the entrance exam to middle school that one time. He told me I had worked hard. Lately, I've been thinking about Dad and Mom a lot. I spent all that time striving to earn their approval, to make them notice me, but now it doesn't matter anymore. I'm free, but something still feels missing. It was painful and suffocating, yet without them, something feels off.
I thought about this when my sister died too. Back then, I concluded that it was because they wouldn't notice me even when she was gone, but it wasn't just that. I ran away from home because of it, so I could have done it again. But I didn't choose that. It wasn't just that I felt abandoned by them; that was only the trigger.
"Kaya? You've been quiet for a while. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I think I'm close to figuring something out."
I realized I needed to understand these feelings. I'd been avoiding them, but now it was time to face them. Why did I choose to die back then? ...Was it because I wanted to be acknowledged by my parents? Because I wanted a reason to live? That was part of it, but it wasn't everything. ...I think, yes, I think it was because I was sad. Just simply sad that my family died. Dad, Mom, my sister, and me—we were a family of four, and none of us should be missing.
The Shibu family seemed close even though Mai-san's father was often away. Maybe we were too close, and that's why things got so twisted. We expected too much from each other, imposed too much on each other, and it made everyone unhappy. But that doesn't mean I wanted them gone. It would have been okay if we were apart; I just wanted them to exist. At least, that's how I feel. That's why, when my sister died, and when my parents died, I wanted to start over.
"Kaya?"
"...It's nothing, sis."
I finally understood my feelings. I just wanted my family to live. Maybe I'm mistaken because my parents aren't here, but I don't care what happens to me as long as my family can be happy.
I won't long for my parents' love anymore. I've died pursuing that love, and when I tried to suppress that desire, I couldn't, and it killed me again. So, I'll accept it and then let it go. I don't know if I can truly let it go, but I'll try to believe that I can. Maybe one day I'll regret this decision, and the pain of not being loved will overwhelm me again. But even that would be better than having no one... So, I'll die again, and start over.