I've had to swallow my pride and quit most of my jobs because I was near the snapping point with the provocation, nearing murdering them the same way the bastard of an Emperor did to my bloody family. I have an edge, a very, very sharp one, I know exactly what I'm capable of if pressed past my snapping point, I've been there, I had to disappear for a while to recover from something I did, which no one knows it was me, and which comes back to haunt me once in a while. When I lose my shit, I become blind, and that's… dangerous, because I have absolutely no control over my actions, there are only consequences to those who pressed me, those who are with them, and to me afterwards.
I hate consequences, but I hate losing control even more. I feel… beastly.
"So, don't worry," I added again, when he seemed guiltily unsure.
"I really wanted to keep renting it to you, dear, I hope you understand."
This is on me, I failed, again, "I do, yes," I swallowed. "Thank you for all you helped me with in the last 3 years, Mr. Snow, your wife too, Adele hasn't been short of amazing to me and I'm thankful for that, and for the opportunity you both gave me here and then, even after you've heard all the locals badmouthing me to you. That was enough for me," I stood up softly. "I'll pay for the coffee."
"No, I insist," he got to his feet, standing a lot taller than me. "I'll feel bad if I make you pay for this. Besides, I invited you and I'm gentle."
Grabbing the key of the small studio I had been renting to help me making my cupcakes from my waist belt bag, I handed it to him, there's nothing mine in it, everything was his and I rented with it, "Here, I cleaned everything last night as I did at the end of everyday," it's ironic to call it a day when we have no daylight, "so, you can rent it to someone who will be a more… successful baker than I am. I am grateful for your help, and I'm sorry I was unable to keep up with it."
By his face I could tell he was struggling to do this, because he really is a kind-hearted person, just like his wife, they are genuinely gentle and I doubt I'll ever find people as gentle as them in my life, definitely not in Crims'On, this ain't a realm of gentle people at all. But they followed my advice from 20 years ago, and by kissing the right asses they got the success they have today, enough that they make more than 20 million mahjs per year, all with architecture and real estates. They really did low their rent for me out of consideration, I would never be able to pay their full price of rent in my life.
I guess now I'm unemployed because I have nothing to make my cupcakes on, my money won't be enough for it, the loft I room in with Justine is hers and she also lowered the rent for me from 500 to 200 mahjs, out of friendship. I wouldn't say we are best friends, but she's my pseudo-friend, the only I have, she's younger than me by a lot, but she's a foreigner from Zekarr and she's got money, her family back in their realm is rich, and she's always been spoiled but she's as nice as she could possibly be, way nicer than I am for sure. Justine is 45 years, which is… well very young for a fae, she looks 18 and I look 23, but I'm 80 years older than her, and I think I'll soon be homeless because I won't be able to pay the rent either.
"I wish you, Mrs. Snow, and the kids, all the success in the world, and I hope you will be able to thrive beautifully in here for all of your generations that are to come. Remember not to get so nice with people because they could use you for that, and beware the families I warned you about, they are not to be trusted," I smiled softly, which definitely looks weird on me because I never smile. "For now we'll part ways. Thank you, again, for the work back then and the help now."
"Right back at you, dear. Don't lose hope, you will find success too."
Hope? I don't think I ever knew what that word meant, definitely not. I'm not in a position where I can have the luxury of such foolish thing such as hope. I don't need hope, I need money, or I'll be homeless and starve, which will not be a good thing for me. And success? Me? In the Crims'On realm? What a sick joke.
"I hope so, Mr. Snow," I lied convincingly with a soft smile. "Live well!" Making a soft respectful mention, I turned on my feet and strode out of the café, feeling the judging eyes of the local rich owner of the café at the counter, as if I'm not feeling the unwelcoming air in the place either.
They may hate me, but I hate them more. I have a reason for it, they don't.
I stood in the sidewalk out of the fancy café and inhaled deeply, and could not help but think that, that stupid coffee would definitely have eaten up all my 66 mahjs with that little disgusting espresso that ain't even edible. I make one starlight years better than that shit water. That is, if it wasn't more expensive than that, which I wouldn't doubt at all, given how people in this area don't care about the taste but about consuming what's more expensive.
Feeling like a monumental failure, I walked to my temporary home.
Now I can only pray to Hecate that Justine won't kick me out right off the goddess-damned bet, just because I won't be able to pay the rent that will be due in 10 days from now. If that happens, I'll truly be lost, but I won't even be able to blame her, or to blame anyone but me. I'm a fucking failure.
My family would be disappointed in me, fuck.
Not as much as I am, I hate myself.