My ring finger hovers over the switch. I tap it franticly. Yet I am afraid to click on it. They love me, don't they? I really hope they still do. They didn't show up to the juvie, not even once in the past three years. Yet here I am hopeful, afraid and desperate, right in front of the door to my home. It is still my home, isn't it?
I nudge my finger a little harder on the switch, on purpose. DING. The bell is faintly audible. I hear chatter and I hear footsteps closing in towards the door. My heart starts to race. It bangs against my chest harder as the footsteps close by. Am I ready for this? I try to nudge all the negative thoughts away.
They did not visit me, not once. NOOOO. Not that bad of a thought now. They love me, I served my sentence. They... love me. I hear a clank. My head goes quiet. I love the calm. I do not know from where, but a smile creeps in. Maybe I will be happy to see them.
The door opens a bit. A hazel eye pops in between the gap. They seem unfamiliar. They're having guests? But why would a guest open the door? "Umm, who are you?" asks the woman. Who am I? Who are you lady?
"I'm Kaali, the son of the owner." I reply. The eye seems to shift to an expression of confusion and shock or maybe even absurdity.
"I am the owner." She grunts back.
That sentence did not make sense. How can she be the owner? My father is. What the hell is she talking about? A rage built up inside me. Then it hit me. They moved. My whole family moved.
My heart started to race faster. The world around me did not seem to make sense. It all did not make sense. I start to shiver. My feet tremble as I lose my balance.
I sense water being splashed onto my face. I gently open my eyes. I am inside my home. I am, amongst all chaos, in a temporary solace. Then my eyes start to notice the changes. An artsy wallpaper in black and white. A larger TV exactly where our TV was. "Are you ok, Beta?" She was concerned.
Seeing all the changes, it scares me. I get up and rush to the stairs, to reach my room. "Beta, where are you going? Stop or I am going to call the police." Cops? Again? No. That stops me, right in my place. Then I look around. It is not my home anymore.
I turned to her. She looked scared and deeply concerned. Then I hear uneven steps from the stairs. "Mama, who is this bhaiya?" She waddles her way down. She may be five or six, I guess. The mom rushes and grabs the little girl.
"Mam, I mean you no harm. I got excited. I used to live here." I speak."
That doesn't give you the right to run around freely." She says confidently with a tremble in her voice.
I step a little closer gently, to try and calm her down. She protectively pushes her lil girl behind her. "I mean you no harm." I say, yet again. Why is she so scared of me? I didn't do anything. Then my eyes notice the smaller details on her face. There was fear but I could also see disgust. She knows!
"Mam, I am leaving, I am not going to hurt you." I step towards the door.
I look at her, she is still protectively holding her child. That triggers me. I stop.
"I DID NOT DO IT!!" I screech at the top of my lungs. "I did not."I ran away from there. I ran away from the entire neighborhood. I could sense all the stares and glares focused on me. I run, run as fast and far away as I can.
I sat on the bench at the bus terminus nearby. They left me. What am I going to do? I should be in college by now. Why did my life go like this. I looked up at the sky. Why does my life have to go like this? I did not do anything. Why are you doing this to me? I let it all out. The rage, the pain, the betrayal. It came out in the form of tears. Tears that didn't know any end. What am I going to do?
I sat there for an hour, sobbing. Some people came to help. Others didn't bat an eye. But they abandoned me. My own family thinks I did it. My own family. I think of what to do. I don't know. I don't know what to do now. I look for my bag. It is not here. It is nowhere near me. I must have left it at my home. I shrug that thought. At the lil kid's house.
I hesitantly walked back. My gait became slower and slower as I got nearby. I can feel the stares coming off from the balconies of each house. I climb up the treacherous stairs.
Do I want to hit the bell? Do I have to see her again? I do not want to scare her. But my money is in the bag. I force myself to ring the bell. DING. I hear no footsteps, no noise of any kind. But I do see shadows lingering. I hit the bell repeatedly. DING, DING, DING, DING. There was no answer. I could take it no more. I melted beside the door.
"Mam, I know you are in there." I speak with a trembling voice. "I left my bag inside, njan paranyunathu, ende kaashu, is inside. I need it. I am already very defeated, and I don't know what to do. I need that money. It's my birthday today, I have no family. I have no friends. I have no one. All I have now is that money. So, Dayavaayi..." I start to cry, still leaning onto the door.I heard a clank. I get up, wipe my face with my hands. I get up with a glimmer of hope. The door opens, this time completely. She still is glaring at me. The same disgusting looks on her face. She hands me my bag, hesitantly though. I take it. "Thank you" I utter with a sob.
With a glimmer of hope that she might answer. "Do you know..." She shuts the door on me, "about... my... family?" I mutter silently in disappointment.
___
It has been a month now. All I have left is a thousand rupees. No one is interested hiring me. Not even to clean garbage. The juvie was better than this... this cruel world. I will not be able to afford the stuffy room I'm staying in, if I don't have a job. I barely can sleep at night. I'm losing hope as each day passes. Am I going to die?
I am going to die. Maybe death is better than this cruel world. At least this is something I get to have a choice in. I let that thought stew in my mind. Maybe this is the best thing that can happen to me.
I walk to a KFC, that place lifts me up, at least it used to. This place hasn't changed. It is still the same old. Soft rock was playing in the background. Maybe I'll have one last meal. I go to the to give an order. I point to the items I want to order in the menu, and I go, sit, wait for my order.
My small nap was interrupted by the ring of a bell. My order was ready. There seemed to be a person in front of me. I only noticed his pants; they were a shade of navy. How rude? I could use some solitude now. I am going to get my order. I received the order. I look at the server, put my right hand on my chin, I nod down gently while moving my right hand towards the server. He gets excited and starts signing things I do not understand. He notices I do not understand, and he says thank you in sign.
Guess it makes a difference when almost everyone is ordering using their mouth. A simple thank you would get them excited. I noticed navy pants on my table. He doesn't want to move so I'll move.
I sat down, and a moment later, Mr. Navy Pants showed up. Ok now this is rude, I'm already having a bad life. I don't want his nonsense.
I try to be calm about it, I take my food and move. A moment later, Mr. Annoying Navy Pants follows. Oh, now it's on. This guy has chosen to annoy me. "Sir I know you are angry at me. I have seen a lot of people like you, I am not in the mood for that. Can I have my meal in peace?" I continue my meal, ignoring his presence. I don't want the hate of a random stranger now. I am not in the mood for it.
"At least will you look at me?" Mr. Navy pants sounds familiar. It intrigues me. I lift my head to see that annoying face. He had curly dense hair. I could hide a pen inside his head. Then I started noticing his face, a round almost square face, eyes deep in his sockets. I know who this is. Rage starts to build up. I remember what he did. He is a part of the reason why my life is so fucked up. He is a traitor.
"I'm sorry." He speaks. Sorry? Why are you sorry now. You didn't do anything. You just left me, abandoned me. I just sat there aggressively eating my zinger.
I was almost about to finish my zinger. I don't need to see him ever again. But how did he find me? That fills me up with intrigue. No, I do not need to know that. "I tried to visit you; I was still a kid then. My parents didn't want me near you. I'm sorry." He confesses.
My rage ticked and I snark back "As if you cared, Adi"
"I cared. I do care, always. I still believe you didn't do it." That sentence broke the dam that had all the pent-up emotions."You cared?" I retaliated "You cared when you said that I was a sex addict? Did you care when you said that I masturbate about three times a week? Did you care...?" I take a deep breath to calm down.
"I...I...I...I...I didn't say you were a sex addict, just that you were a little more interested in that than others. I was a kid, and my responses were twisted." He defends himself.
"BUT YOU KNEW WHAT HE MEANT." I yell. The entire restaurant heard that. Maybe I was too loud, maybe I needed to be loud. I got embarrassed with all the stares. I continue to aggressively munch on the last of the fries.
"Do you want a hug?" He asks. Do I want a hug? That too from you, no way. I ate the last fry in silence. I disposed of the waste and was about to walk out. Adi suddenly hugged me from the front. I wanted to push him away, but the hug felt nice. I needed one. "You know there are a lot of people around and cameras too." I told him.
"I don't care. My friend is hurting and that is all I care about." He replies in a calming voice. Tears flood my eyes after a long time.
"But I care." He realizes I am a little uncomfortable and lets me go. "Sorry," he says as usual. I should thank him for the hug. But how did he find me? That too, right before me trying to jump off a cliff.
"How did you find me?" I ask, curiously."Umm..." He hesitates. "I...I...nev...vv.vv...never stopped looking for you." That shocked me. "I would come here every day at 6 pm, ever since you got out. You've told me you come here when you are down." I told him? Maybe I could have.
"You told me you love this place, that this is your comfort place. You love it because it has deaf and dumb people working here, and it gives you a kinda solace." Woah, I definitely told him. "You also told me that you mostly visit at six in the evening." How much does he remember?
I am so lucky to have you in my life, or at least what's left of it. Even my family left me. Speaking of my family maybe he knows. He knows where they are. "Do you know where my family is?" I ask with a hint of excitement.
He gets gloomy. Why is he gloomy? "I don't know. They didn't talk to me after the trial." That was not what I wanted to hear. "And one day they were gone. I'm sorry"
Maybe deciding to die was the right choice. Maybe I should get on with it. But it will hurt Adi. My mind becomes a battlefield. You've already decided so get on with it.
I notice that he's staring at me for a while. I pull up my eyebrows in a way of asking what? "Do you wanna talk?" I shake my head. "Do you wanna talk?" I started crying, I started crying in the restaurant with all of them watching.
"I want to die." His face gets a frown, but he doesn't say anything. He just nods to let me continue. "I planned to die today. People don't want to hire me. I've spent all the money the juvie gave me. I just have a seven hundred something left."
I vent and rant at him. He's patient and silent throughout. Listening to everything I say. I was crying to him for about an hour. Then after I completed my rant, I felt his palm sharply hitting my face. What was that for? "That's for trying to die." He answers my unvoiced question.
"I understand you're going through a difficult time. That does not mean you get to die." Adi revolts. "Look at me" I don't "Look at me. You are the best person I know. I know you had the worst thing happen to you but now I'm here." What will you being here going to do. I have no job; I will die anyway, if it goes on like it.
"You know my dad?" I nod, "and how he owns a company?" Yes, a kinda good startup. "Tomorrow, come to the office. I am an intern there. And being the boss's son means I have privileges. I could get you a job for your brewing skills."
I am so thankful I met him today. This is the best day in my life. I've had better days, but this now feels like the best thing in the world. I hugged him so hard. "Thank you."
"Here's some money for your makeup." Makeup, I ponder. "You have vitiligo, and you cover it with your makeup. This is because my father hates you, so maybe also don't use your surname."
"Welcome to Vuppalla Auto" He smiles wide.
The rest of the evening, I oh so needed it. I thought I had no one, but here he is, my best friend standing with me when no one is. But let me just say I was yapping at him like old times. I've missed this.
His idea worked; I have been working at Vuppalla Auto for almost a year now. I even got the achievement of 'This is the best coffee I've ever tasted.' An honor I've got to hear from multiple employees. A few people stare at my makeup, and I tell its vitiligo, and they stare even more, but these stares are nothing compared to the stares I used to get. The only problem was the 'I have seen him,' stares I was receiving from Mr. Vuppalla. I have a better, cleaner room, small but cleaner. I can eat well. I'm starting to like this life. I must thank Adi for it.
Today was the day Vuppalla Auto launched its second vehicle. A family sedan. It was a great day. Everyone in the company rejoiced. Everyone came to the cafeteria, and that included Mr. Vuppalla too.
With everyone wanting an espresso, a cappuccino and a lot of other different things I was overwhelmed. I was starting to break a sweat. Usually, I would never wipe my face, even accidentally in front of the employees. But as Mr. Vuppalla ordered a mocha, I was so uncomfortable and so absent minded, that I accidentally wiped my face.
As I hand over the coffee to him, I can see disgust on his face, I knew what it meant. I knew what that disgust meant. I ran away from there. I hid in the washroom.
Later that day, I saw Adi a couple of times, in and out of his father's office. I was out there at the reception, back to feeling bad, back to how I did not want to feel.
Then later at four in the evening, after waiting in the reception for hours, doing nothing. Adi walks towards me. I don't like that walk. I knew what was coming. He comes, sits down and holds my hand. I could see the pain in his face when he said "I'm Sorry, I tried. But I can't do anything. I am powerless against him. You will no longer be able to work here.
"That broke me. Brought back everything, everything before this job. The pain, the loneliness. I got angry, very angry. I got up. Barged into the CEO's office. Mr. Vupalla was made aware of my presence with how I slammed open the door.
"I DID NOT DO IT." I walked out after saying that. Adi was trying to stop me, but I avoided him. I've been a disappointment to him. After so much he has done for me, I couldn't make him feel proud.