My ring finger hovers over the switch. I tap it franticly. Yet I am afraid to click on it. Does he really tolerate me? Maybe all he's showing me is pity. He's been thinking that I am weak, since my release. Maybe I'm being very negative. I forcibly push that thought aside. I ring the bell.
The door creaks open a little. A round babylike face (why is his face so smooth?) pops within the gap. His ghostly deep brown eyes scanned me, very thoroughly if I should say. The curls of his hair were very messy, maybe that's because he's not using the expensive products he's used to.
"Would you open the door, Adi?" I shrug.
"You forgot your keys again, didn't you?" His snarky reply irritated me, but I don't know why but I nodded, mute. Am I being a burden to him? Then I fought that thought with another. NO, he brought it onto himself, this is no way on me. The door swayed open, "Get in, you're lucky I'm home every time your forget keys." He pats himself on the back. Lucky? Yeah, maybe I'm lucky. I'm lucky because I would wait at the park until you reached home.
"How many times will you be forgetting your keys? What if I'm not home one day to open the door?" He raises concern.
"You're here na?" I snark back.
He's been on my back like this for the last three months. I didn't ask him to leave his home. He was just here with all his luggage a couple of days after I was fired from Vupalla Auto. I would've been happy if the luggage was just physical. He's been acting like a mom. Did you eat? Don't forget your keys. Don't come home late. Damn he still has two years of college to go, for which his father is apparently still paying. I wish my parents were like that.
"I won't be here always, I wish I could, most of the day I'm at the university. And even if I'm home, I'm not free, I have my writing that pays half the rent and a lot of other things too." I could sense a bit of anger in his voice.
"Well then why'd you come? I didn't ask you to come. I can take care of myself. No one was there for me when I was in, and I need no one now. And you're not my mom." I let out some of my rage "I want to work, no one is taking me in, it's not my fault. If me being like this is bothering you so much, why don't you leave?
"He didn't say anything, he just aggressively walked away. It was somewhere around seven in the evening. He usually cooks, because he cooks better than me and he knows more dishes than I do, exactly two to be fair: Tomato rice and eggs. If I take eggs into consideration, he does a lot of variety in that; omelets, scrambled, fried, boiled, wait that's not a lot but, the variety of toppings he adds counts.
He gets a hot, steaming pressure cooker from inside of the tiny room we call the kitchen to largest of the three rooms, which acts as the hall, bedroom and any other room depending on the occasion.
I could smell it; it was tomato rice. But I could also smell his steaming rage from the conversation from the evening. I've never seen him angry at all, in the six years I've known him. I feel bad. He came and smacked the cooker down on the floor, I was worried if the floor would crack. Thankfully it didn't. We were both on the floor with our legs folded. He opened the cooker, it was steaming. He goes in with a spatula and drops a wet chunk of flavorful tomato rice onto my plate and hands it to me; all his actions were really aggressive.
He gets up again, walks into the kitchen. I slowly and very guiltily started eating. The flavors are all good but only if it were not wet. I was enjoying it, though. A minute later he came out of the kitchen, he had a frying pan, he came close to me, too close, actually. Don't burn me. He slid the scrambled egg onto my plate, aggressively again. He walks back into the kitchen.
The scrambled egg was simple, a little spicy to my liking. It was fluffy, flaky and kinda helped with the wet rice. He comes out again, with the frying pan in his hand. He places a much gooey scrambled egg onto his plate. I don't know how he likes it, but he likes it. My eyes were wandering on his disgusting egg, because I still don't understand how he eats it. In fact, when he can make spectacular eggs like he did mine.
We had dinner in absolute silence. I took out the mattress folded in the corner of the room and stretched it out in the middle of the hall. I put a flimsy blanket over it and threw a couple of fluffy pillows. I snuggle to the bed because I am too still angry at him.
He picked up his laptop, he has a deadline this weekend. He needs just two chapters to complete the story but, he hasn't got the right way to end it. He's a decent ghostwriter, he usually writes articles, but this is his first time taking up an entire novel. I hope it goes well.
I try to sleep, but I can't. I could sense the faint lights from his laptop, so I pretended to be sleeping so that I don't make him worried about this too. An hour or two later, I no longer sensed any light, I looked around and he was beside me, facing away from me. I think he's sleeping.
Now I am alone with my thoughts and that is not a good thing. I don't want to be left alone like this. My thoughts immediately went to her, Nethra. How has she been? I hope she is good. She's strong I know that, but why do I still have some anger towards her? What I went through is nothing compared to what she went through. I have no right to be angry at her, but why am I blaming her for my life going sideways? My head was all chaotic.
I turn to face him, his back was facing me, but for some reason knowing that he was there beside me, was comforting. Please don't leave me, I'm sorry for behaving that way. I'm sorry I'll behave better. Please don't leave me. But I don't understand why he's doing all this; I love that I have one person beside me, but I don't want to be a burden to him.
___
The next morning, after being forced to sleep by my biological drive, I woke up tired. I look around and find him nowhere. My heart starts racing. He's left me. I shouldn't have insulted him yesterday. A moment later he walks out of the bathroom. Dressed for college. He saw me, his eyes were all soft, maybe there was even a little bit of pain in there. He walks towards me.
"I'm sorry for behaving that way yesterday." He apologizes. I should be the one apologizing. "I am not going anywhere. I'm here with you, whatever happens. I'll try very hard to not behave the same way again." He reassures me, like he read my mind last night.
"I'm sorry too." I reply gently. "I shouldn't have said that. No matter what happened. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. I need you.
"He smiles gently. Like he took off a big burden off his heart. "Ok, I'm leaving for the university. Don't forget to take your keys if you're going somewhere." He turns to leave. He slaps his head and rushes into the kitchen to get his lunch. "Hey, I've cooked some curd rice, I'm sorry, I was not in a mood to cook today. Please adjust, oru naal, please." He hurriedly gets his shoes on, "And, ooh, if my father shows up, get him something, and if he offers me money, please don't take it. He's already paying for college, that is more than enough. Ok, bye now." He scurries to catch the bus before it's too late.
I decided to stay home, the world outside is disappointing, sometimes it feels like my haunting loneliness is better than stepping out. I skim through the newspaper, lingering a little long in the classifieds section. I still feel like a burden to him. I would be able to pay rent for the next two months, with the money I've saved up. After that I have no idea what to do. I want to help but the world feels so cruel. Then an ad found my eyes. It was paying a single time payment of ten grand. It was a pharma company, needing people for a study. The money seems interesting, but it hit me that there may be risks involved. I gave it deep thought for the rest of the day.
Before I knew it, it was evening and Adi was home. He sensed that there was something wrong with me. "What's going on?"
"Nothing, I think maybe I have a way of earning money." I answer. I present my dilemma and he immediately goes, "NOOO"
"Why not?"
"Be-Be-Be-Because your health might be affected."
"Calm down, it's only me, I'm listening, talk slowly"
"I-I-I don't want you to go, you might have health issues later."
"But I don't want to be a burden to you"
"Wha-Wa-What makes you think that?"
"I don't think it, I know it. I know how hard you work; I just don't want you to do it alone. Let me help."
"NO, not this way."
"I'm going and you can't do anything, I might have a way to earn money and you don't even want to hear it. I had a Dilemma but now it's clear and I want to go." I yell back.
Today I was the one angry and silent while he was the one continuously trying to convince me not to go. I can get why he's worried but I want to help, I don't want to be whiling away when he does more than what is needed. I would love it if he understood, I'm doing this for him too.
May 10, 2021, Adi was still struggling with the final chapter, he was praising the client for giving him a day extra for completing the novel. He was very excited because the client promised a hefty price of thirty grand.
Today is the day I volunteer for the study. I was excited that I could support Adi more, but I also hoped of not being too optimistic, cause every time I went searching for a way to make money I was met with disappointment.
"Adi, I'm leaving, I have my keys, so don't worry. I'm gonna be fine.
" Adi did not reply, he still doesn't want me to go. His silence frustrates me, but I'll have to deal with this later.I was about to walk out of the room and suddenly, he hugs me tight. "Take care, I understand why you're doing this, but I hope you reconsider."
"My health is nothing compared to what you're doing for me every day. You left your family for me, I owe you"
"Come back safe." His entire face looks so concerned.
"I will, but I would love it if you let me go, you know how I am with hugs, right?" I raise my eyebrow. He lets go, this time not trying to convince me much. Half past eleven at noon, I reach the place. It looked like a normal clinic from the outside. The inside was too bright. It was too whitewashed, even compared to a hospital. A couple of people were present along with me. I went to the reception. A young woman was sitting behind the desk, fidgeting with her hair. She might be in her mid twenties, not older than twenty seven.
"Hello sir, what are you here for?"
"Hi, and don't call me sir, name's Kaali."
"Okay Mr. Kaali, what are you here for?"
"I was told there was a drug study going on. How can I Participate?"
"Oh here, Fill the form and wait a for a few minutes."
I took the form. Boy that is a lot of questions to be fair. Name? Kaalidas Tharakan. I have this to and fro with myself as I fill in the form. Age? Nineteen? I start counting with my fingers. Yeah, I'm nineteen. Any medical conditions? No, I do not have any health conditions. Any records of Diseases or Disorders? No sir.
The form filling goes on for a while, for some questions that were unclear, I had the help of the receptionist. She sure did not have fun helping me. Then, after filling in all the personal and medical details there came a section with consent.
Do you consent to be part of a study using an experimental drug? Yes, I suppose. Are you under full consciousness while giving consent? I'm not high, the receptionist is proof. Did you have alcohol, tobacco or any other drugs for leisure 24 hours prior to giving consent? I already said no. I answered and then signed below on the form.
Then I gave the form to the receptionist. I was given another form. This one's for insurance. This form started to set in the seriousness of the study, Insurance is only in case something goes bad, so there is a high risk associated with this. I was pondering as I was filling in the insurance form. Then the reason why I was doing this hit me, it made it easier. I went to the receptionist with the completed insurance form.
She checked up on something and directed me to another room. She then told me about the drug, I only understood the part that it was an oral drug. She then started to list the possible risks and side effects including but not exclusive to diarrhea, vomiting, headaches and fever. There was a big video camera in that room. A chair right in front of it. I was told to give consent in front of the camera.
"I, Kaalidas Tharakan, consent to be a part of this experimental drug study. I am well aware of the possible risks and side effects, as presented by Ms. Meenakshi Sundaram. I am not under the influence of any person or any leisurely drugs or hallucinogens while giving consent." I monologue to the video camera.
The receptionist then directs me to another room. "You will meet a physician, who will give you a more precise idea about the risks involved, and more about the process."
That's how the rest of my afternoon went. Too many clarifications and alien words for one tiny pill. The doctor said I was in the control group along with the healthy individuals. And I was told to visit once a week for three months.
I was given a business card and an envelope with cash. I thought ten grand would be bulkier than this, the weight of the envelope was a little disappointing. Maybe this is what ten grand actually looks like. Maybe I should count, or maybe I shouldn't. It would be rude to count right in front of them. I'll go out and count. I walk a little outta their sight and count. There was ten grand in there. Maybe I had way too much expectations on the size of the envelope.
I return home by three in the evening. Adi hasn't reached home yet. I went out to get a packet of Korean noodles that Adi so wanted to try. But three hundred bucks for an instant noodle is too much. I started following the instructions. Damn, was the sauce red. It stained my fingers, I had to wash it a couple of times with soap to get the stains off.
Adi arrived at half past four, as usual. I presented him with the noodles, and he loved it, but damn, was it spicy. I shouldn't have put the entire packet of sauce in. It was finally good to know that I can also be helpful. Then I showed him the envelope of money. Even though there was an excitement about the money, he also seemed a little worried too.
Today, after stretching out the mattress, I slept well. I slept well after what felt like ages. I slept well knowing that I contributed something to make this cute little place home. He deserves it.