I gave the consent, written and video format, the usual. This is becoming the norm, now that I am kinda used to it. Now it was time for some more technical blah blah blah from the physician. The only difference, this time it was not a pill. It was an intravenous dose. I happily took it, took fifteen grand; woah that is a lot of money. The money is the only thing keeping me peaceful, it's the only thing giving me a purpose and the only thing telling me that I am not a burden. I was dilly-dallying my way out of the place.
"MR. KAALIDAS!!" I heard a faint yelling from behind. I stop and turn around. "MR. KAALIDAS…KAALI…" The woman was running out of breath; she was rushing towards me. I walked towards her, to convey that I heard her. She catches up to me way past her midpoint, obviously; I was walking, and she was rushing. What got her in such a hustle? I was there for an hour and she, being the receptionist, could've said something before I left.
"The manager would like to meet you Mr. Kaalidas." She conveys taking short but necessary breaths in between every word.
"Um… OK." I start following her, tightly grabbing onto the envelope in my hand. Do they want the money back? Past a couple of recently familiar corridors and a few unfamiliar ones I we arrive at a cabin. The receptionist gestured me to walk in. I was hesitant but I walked in.
A man, maybe he's in his forties I guess, greeted me. "Welcome Mr. Kaalidas." He was wearing a navy tux, a shirt that was a lighter shade of beige. A pair of navy pants to match. He even had a tie, a navy tie with a complicated floral pattern, I guess. I was staring and heavily judging his choice of attire in this hot climate. The air conditioning was off too. Yet he didn't seem to break a sweat.
"After you've adored my clothes, I suppose I can tell you the reason why I called you in." He interrupts my ongoing judging session. I looked up, he was giving a pleasant smile.
"How are you wearing that?" I asked without realizing.
"Company policy Mr. Kaalidas." He answered and smiled. That smile was ticking me off. It was a very pleasant and nice smile but there was nothing genuine about it. It was eerie.
"Oh, sorry Mr…" I search look at the plaque "Radhakrishnan." Oh boy was that embarrassing.
"Now, as to why I called you in here." He smacks his lips, leans a little back and clasps his hands with each other. "You, Mr. Kaalidas, have been a very valuable person to us."
Valuable? Valuable how?
"And being valuable to us has its own perks." He slides a pastel grey business card towards me. I take a look at it; on the bottom right, the name 'VIKRAM SAXENA' was embossed in a lighter shade of gray. I flip the card and there's a number written at the back.
"Hit them up, whenever you feel like." He pressed his lips and gave out a smile, wider than he did before. "They pay well."
"What is this about?" I asked confused.
"These are the perks of being a frequent participant."
"Frequent? This is the first time I'm visiting this company for trial."
"Yes, you are true, first time in this company, but you've visited our group a couple of times." He smirks.
"Oh!" I ponder.
"And one last thing. After ringing up that number, whether someone answers or not burn the card." He presses his lips. "Any questions?"
I shake my head. Why did I shake my head?
The eerily pleasant smile returns onto his face. "Well then, we hope you'll volunteer in further trials. That's all."
He gets up from his cozy chair and pulls open the glass door. His other hand gives a gentle gesture leading me out.
Back home, I stared at the ominous card. Why do I have to burn it? Is it legal? Why is this so secretive? These were all fine questions that I could've asked the manager, but I didn't, thanks to you my weird brain.
I flick the card into my wallet and head to the kitchen, for it was my turn to cook. Adi was busy working with another client. Now that he's onto novels, the pay is good. He's happy that this project could probably get us a better place.
I take a frying pan, crack open two eggs onto it. It's a trick I learnt from Adi. I am really hoping that it will be palatable. I let it simmer for a while and start scrambling it. Oh my god it's forming into sheets. I'm fucking this up. I then remembered that I forgot to add salt. I rush to the spice rack and search for… let me say that it took long enough to burn some portion of the scrambled egg.
And there it was, my burnt scrambled eggs. Then I add some water into the pan. Let it come to a boil and put in the spice mix for the instant noodles. Now I look to the right, I remember I should've put the noodles in first. I hurriedly put the noodles in and closed the lid on the pan.
I ensure the noodles are al dente. Thankfully it was. I toss the burnt eggs in and voila, two plates of somewhat palatable noodles. I split them into equal portions in two separate bowls. That was our dinner.
"I've submitted the novel to the client." Adi says, slurping his noodles in. "He'll review and in two day's I'll get paid. FORTY GRAND!! Forty grand Kaali. We can move into a place with air conditioning.
It's pleasant to see him this happy. "You know you can publish your own book." I suggest.
"My writing is not that good." He undervalues himself; he always does that. It infuriates me.
"Your first client has a niche fanbase for his book, he had a decent sale and a marginally good profit."
"Maybe that's because he has good advertising."
"If that is the point you want to put in. Let me say your last client's book is rising in popularity within a week."
"Maybe' he's lucky."
"It's because of you. You write well. Why don't you choose to see the evidence that is right in front of your eyes?"
He goes into the weird smile he does whenever he's not interested in an argument.
"Hey, don't you try to avoid this argument. This is for your own sake." I pout
"FINEEEEEEE…" He sighs.
"Ok, if your recent novel becomes popular, will you at least consider writing a book? You are due of credit."
"Ok, I will." He says in a low, husky voice.
___
I was in the courtroom again. Nethra was right in front of me. Her head down, her hand tightly gripping the podium she was standing in, so as to not let her body shiver. I looked at the judge, it was also Nethra, in robes of black. She was looking at her other self. I could see pity, sorrow and a strong sense of justice. The other Nethra still had her head down.
The crowd started to fill the courtroom. The eerie silence a moment ago filled in by the commotion of the footsteps. The entire crowd was Nethra, lots of her.
THUD! Judge Nethra struck the hammer and the was silence. Too much silence to be precise. There was no sound of whispers, not even the sound of a breeze passing by. The atmosphere was eerie.
"Why did you do it?" The voice of victim Nethra echoed in the courtroom. Her head was still down.
"Why?"
I did not do it. I wanted to say it, but my mouth doesn't move, even if I desperately want it to. I shake my head.
"Deny all you want, but I know you did it." I can do nothing else but shake my head. All the other Nethras were focused on victim Nethra. Not one batted me an eye, not one was ready to heed my plead. I vigorously shake my head.
"Shake your head, go on continue shaking it till it hurts. But you know you've thought of touching me that way." That sends ripples through my spine. Isn't it normal to have sexual thoughts? Even so I didn't do anything she wasn't okay with.
"You wouldn't have done it if you wouldn't have thought of it." Did I think of it? A lot of emotions flashed to my face. I try to dispose of that thought. No, I did not think of it. I would never. Not even as a joke. No.
"You shake in denial, but your face does not." Her head was still down, while her eerie voice reverberated all across the courtroom. The ground starts to shake. I grab onto the podium in pure horror of what was happening to me. But I couldn't hold on longer. I let go. I woke up.
Adi was shaking me awake. The mute features of his face visible in darkness showed all the signs of stress. He was worried. Why was he worried? I ponder. I could see his mouth moving, why can't I hear him? I tried to lift my hand. It felt like they were restricted to the mattress below. I had difficulty moving my body.
"I told you not to go for clinical trials." Adi's voice finally broke through, and it felt like he was crying.
This has been the usual. I get a dose of medication, usually I'd have some side effects; vomiting, diarrhea, fever… and he'd be the one worrying and scolding me not to go for any more trials.
But this time it wasn't. It wasn't the usual. I was in critical care for the next week. The intravenous vaccine dose I got, seemingly actually gave me the disease. I had difficulty breathing, because apparently my lungs were filled with fluid.
Adi was taking care of me. He has his semester exams, but he didn't leave my side. He spent all his savings to save me. The money he saved up to move to a new place, all wasted on me. The forty grand he got, most of it was used up by me, a sick idiot lying on a hospital bed. His dreams of moving to a new place, pushed back. His first book, pushed back indefinitely, all because he has me. All because he has to take care of a person like me, a person society wants nothing to do with.
The next month while I was recovering, he was back to his ghostwriting, he gave up on his college. His father visited multiple times to get him back to college. He tried to talk to him, but he did not budge. "You are the reason he doesn't listen to me." Even though I did not like hearing it I had to hear it from his father multiple times.
Am I at fault here? Or did he say that because he hates me. There's no point thinking about that. I should get him back to college. So, after recovering enough, I try and talk to him.
"You should go to college." I assert.
"No, what I need to do is take care of you." He lashes back.
"No, I can take care of myself."
"Yeah, but you need me. What if something like last month happens?"
"I'll be more careful."
"You don't know what they are giving you. How will you be careful?
"I don't know but trust me I'll be." I raise my voice.
"How?" He raises his voice too.
"This is not about me. This is about you, and you not attending college." I divert.
"Well then if this is about me, it's up to me choose what I want to do."
"Please don't ruin your life for me. I'm already being blamed for that, please don't add on to that list. You don't know how it hurts." Tears drench my eyes. My voice trembles.
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt you but you're hurting yourselves." He goes soft.
"You don't want me to hurt myself? Then what are you doing, you hypocrite? Why are you doing this? I didn't ask for any of it. Nethra believes I did it, your parents I did it, even my parents do. Why are you still holding on?" I lash out with all my rage.
He looks me in my eye. "I'm doing this because I believe you. I don't want you to be lonely. I don't want you to struggle alone. You've been through enough for what you did not do."
"But I am not okay with you struggling for me. I don't want to be a burden. Don't make me a burden again."
"You are never a burden to me." This makes me question his intentions. Many people would have run from me, run from all my bullshit, but he didn't. What if…?
"Do you love me?" I ask knowing not what to expect.
His eye shimmers, but not with happiness, but that of sadness. I am starting to understand why he is still here in the same room as me. He draws a breath and says "No."
The exasperation in his tone is telling me things. "I know you're lying."
"Yes" he finally agrees.
The rest of the night there was an uncomfortable silence. Leaving him is the best thing. He'd hate me for leaving him at his most vulnerable. He'll hate me but at least he'll go to college. I fixate upon that thought. I no longer want to be a burden. Not to him, not to anybody. I leave from there late at night when he's sleeping.
___
It's been two months since I left. I'm in a small room, which has just enough space for one bed. The bathroom is a common area and food is included. It costs around three grand per month, and I am running out of money.
I was searching for new trials, and I found nothing. It is difficult that he's not here, but he'll be better without me. I opened my wallet; I only had a couple of hundred-rupee notes. It will barely last me two weeks. I threw my wallet against the wall in frustration.
A grey card flies out of it. It piques my attention. It seemed familiar but I don't remember where I got it from. I take a closer look and there's a number behind it. Then the words, 'Give a ring and burn the card' vaguely form a memory. This is a trial, a secretive but paying trial.
I picked up my mobile and gave it a ring. It rang three times, and the line was cut. I got into call history to give it another try; the number was nowhere to be seen. This is weird. I did call them, right? I manually enter the number and ring them up.
"THE NUMBER YOU'VE ENTERED DOES NOT EXIST"
What! I just gave it a ring. I did hear three rings. I enter the number up manually and call them again.
"THE NUMBER YOU'VE ENTERED DOES NOT EXIST"
I was about to throw my mobile against the wall but then realized I can't afford another. I was so lonely that night. I was not able to sleep and not able to cry.
Morning at half past five, BING, my mobile's notification pops up. Due to the lack of sleep, my vision was hazy. It took some time to focus on the mobile screen.
'10:30, Secretariat Park, we meet.
This message will be destroyed and will leave no evidence after viewing, so please note the location with utmost attention.'
That message had all my attention. Is this about yesterday's card? I was curious but also scared. How can I trust this? I also got no other option. After an hour of scrutinizing the legitimacy of the message. I decided to take the risk.
At half past ten in the morning, I was at the Secretariat Park. No one was around. It was sunny. I waited for an hour and no one. I was about to leave when I felt a very minor prick on my right arm. Then the next step I took, my legs didn't move, and I fell face first to the ground.
I gained consciousness and there was a man in military apparel in front of me. "I am Major Vikram Saxena. I oversee the recruitment for this project. I apologize for bringing you in this way, we want our location to be a secret."
"Hey…You are the guy from the card." I was conscious but as I can very much tell, I was still under the influence of the sedative.
A while later I followed him to a lab, where I was introduced to Dr. Kayal Poovanan. She had an eloquent personality. Even before my first 'Hi' she was saying how much she despised me and would also probably kill me, right in front of the Major.
"But we do need people like you, I don't like risking the life of innocents." Puts Kayal clearly.
"There is a possibility of dying here?" I was legitimately scared.
"Yes, because you will be the first participant, but it is up to you to choose, if you want in or not."
I sat down to think about it. Do I want to die? Even with my recent struggle I am enjoying my life. But I must repay Adi. I don't want to be holding him back. But I'd let my life take priority. I got up and was about to say no.
"It's not a single time payment. You might probably be here for months. We pay thirty grand per month." Exerts Dr. Kayal.
That made me stop in my tracks. "Thirty grand you say?" I re-evaluate my risks. I won't be a burden anymore, either way.
"I'm in"
This had no contracts, consent letters and no insurance. I was given the promise of cash and was strapped to a chair with a contraption on my head. I was about to get anesthetized.
"Dr. Kayal, if something goes wrong, will you please make sure this money reaches my friend, Adhitya Vupalla." She nods her head.
"TWENTY SEVENTH, DECEMBER, TWENTY TWENTY ONE. ONE THIRTY PM. INITIATING ANESTHETICS," announces Dr. Kayal through a microphone.
A physician administers anesthesia intravenously. It takes a while to take effect, but I can feel myself losing consciousness and dozing off.
I feel an excruciating pain right in the smack dab center of my brain. It starts getting worse. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" I wake up screeching on top of my lungs. It felt like my brain was being eaten from the inside. I couldn't move, I was strapped from head to toe. The pain was making me tired, and I blacked out again.