After our breakup everything fell apart. Finally, what I wanted the
least, the end of our love affair, had been consummated. I was
devastated. Tears kept flowing down my cheeks, for now you had
become a memory, the most beautiful memory I could ever live. I
listened to the songs we used to listen to together under the stars
and I burst into tears. I could not assimilate the loss or the pain I
caused myself, for it was I who ended the relationship. It was my
fault. A relationship that I ended because of my selfishness and my
eagerness to be alone once again, I loved you, but I missed the
loneliness. I had to choose and I chose myself. I hate myself for it. I ate ice
cream. I watched movies, the same ones I used to watch with you,
your incredible cinematic taste remained present in my mind. I
missed that day feeling the warmth of your body, seeing your black
eyes looking into my soul. What had I done? I miss you too much. I
told myself it will pass, it's just a relationship. I hope it will be that
way, otherwise I will be forced to fall into an abyss that I myself dig,
pushed by my decisions, that I myself make. Blame me, I deserve it.
You have a place in my heart. You have my heart in your hands.
Yesterday I gave it to you, in this storm it was the noblest decision I
made. To give you my heart. I hope you have a beautiful night and
that you find it easy to mourn.
The days went by until I woke up because of a dream I had of you, I
dreamt that you sent me those good mornings that made my
mornings so happy. I woke up and checked my cell phone. There
were no notifications from you, in fact, there were no notifications
from anyone. I felt desolate, perpetually broken and empty, I had
understood that you were gone. I can't take it in. I don't want to
assimilate. I went out with some friends to party, I didn't feel like
going out but I did, I felt it was going to be better. I had a bad time, I
just wanted to be with you lying down. Caressing your straight
dark hair, burying myself in that tangle of black threads. I missed
you again. I left the party early, I felt alone, even with the crowd
surrounding me. I couldn't bear to be asked about you, what had
happened to us, I was overcome by the situation and it became
insufferable. When I got home I listened to music. A feeling of
loneliness invaded my mind, I drank whiskey until I fell
unconscious and slept. I cried. And then I lay down on the pillow
imagining it was your hair.
I woke up terribly exhausted and with a headache. I lit a cigarette
and looked at myself in the mirror. I saw through my eyes a
memory of us, we were dancing in that alley on the way to your
house. Oh, I hated to dance, but with you I danced, awkwardly, but I did it because it was you. I decided to have our favorite meal for
lunch. Memories and tears welled up as the sauce overflowed in the
pan, I was overflowing with tears and sorrow. I calmed down, I
thought it was normal. I had recently ended a relationship, I felt
bad. I didn't think it was going to affect me the way it was, as I had
gotten used to being happy with your presence in my house. I went
to work. I couldn't concentrate, I got scolded by my boss. I was not
going to tell him about the situation I was going through, we were
not close.
I went back home. I smoked cigarettes. My head was bursting with
memories and your voice. I drank alcohol again, and again I lay
unconscious in my bed. I couldn't stand being awake.
I dreamt about you again, we were both on a train on the way to
your house, you leaned your head on my shoulder and looked at me
with anger and sadness. I got up in sorrow. I interpreted that you
did not want me to relapse into my old vices because I had
entrusted you with a promise. A promise I broke. I felt ashamed,
unknown.
I had lunch and went back to work. I was still not concentrating
and new scoldings fell on me. They didn't understand what was
wrong with me, and I didn't want them to be interested in my
private life, "it's just bad weather," I said. I was deceiving myself
and those around me. I came home and missed you. I didn't have
my usual message from you asking me how my day was. It was
devastating. I lit a cigarette and went to sleep thinking about you.
Now I thought back to the first day we met, it seemed like this
morning. We were at school, I greeted you shyly and you became
nervous, I laughed, and as I turned around I noticed you looking at
me. I knew at that moment that I had fallen in love with you. I fell
asleep happy, missing you obviously.
I was not fortunate enough to see you in my dreams the next few
days and I missed you even in them. Today I got out of bed in a
strangely good mood. I tidied my room and read a book while
eating lunch. I felt a little better. I lit a cigarette and got ready to go
to work. I was able to concentrate a little more this time. When I got
home I stopped by that coffee shop we loved so much. I asked for what we always asked for, this time only for me, since
you were no longer there. I looked at my empty chair in front of me
and imagined your smile, white teeth that reflected me and
illuminated my heart. Homesickness took over my snack. On the
way home I smoked a cigarette. I arrived, cleaned my things and
went to sleep. This day was not so bad. I was able to fall asleep after
a couple of dark days.
You chased me in my dream. We were running through a beautiful
mountain range, surrounded by flowers and giant trees. We
laughed and stopped to kiss, I kissed you on the forehead. You were
happy, just as I wanted you to be now that I don't know anything
about you anymore. I woke up relieved, I thought you were already
forgetting me. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw your post
on Instagram with your friends, you were happy. And I was happy
from a distance. I had lunch, and left again to fulfill my work
routine. It was a normal day at the office. I was able to integrate
with my co-workers again. Your name came up in conversation and
I couldn't help but smile, and feel lonely at the same time. I returned
home, on the way I saw that park where we used to sit and read and
listen to music. I sat down to smoke a cigarette and miss your
presence next to me. I missed you and my cheek got soaked with
salt drops falling from my eyes. I came home and thought of writing
to you. I wanted to know how your day had gone only. I came to
my senses and realized again that you were gone. An avalanche of
loneliness came over me. I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. My thoughts
and our memories had ruined me. My thoughts and our memories
had ruined my day. I smoked and settled down to sleep.