I woke up to a missed call from a private number, I let it go, I
figured it must have been one of those annoying call center agents. I had fruit for breakfast, something rare for me,
but I felt like eating something healthy. When I got to school there
was a small staff meeting, I arrived and a new philosophy teacher
had come in, Joaquina her name, blonde curly hair, a little shorter
than me, a weight that could be considered average, honey colored
eyes and a nose that bordered on perfection. I was attracted to her. I
greeted her and wished her luck, to which she responded with a
disinterested tone of voice a simple "thank you". I played it down and
left for class. The atmosphere was tense, today they had a little
practical work with me. I dictated the questions, which were very
simple and brief, and started the work. After 30 minutes Pablo gave
me his work. I was surprised, since he was not an outstanding
student. I finished the practical and this time I gave them 20 minutes
to relax. Pablo insisted again with his question from the other day,
to which I decided to answer him in a subtle way that, yes I fell in
love, and that I broke my heart myself. He felt a little sorry for me
and lifted my spirits, and pronounced the name of the new teacher
Joaquina, he told me to try it with her. I laughed a little, I
appreciated that she felt confident enough to tell me such a thing
and I just replied with a "we'll see". I got home and had pasta for
lunch with a glass of wine, it was Friday and therefore my last day
of work. I finished my lunch and smoked a couple of cigarettes on
the balcony while the sun illuminated my pores and my mind was
shaking from the alcohol and the light entering my pupils. I started
to correct the exams, they were all right, until I got to Pablo's, they
were simple instructions, but he took too much care in his answers,
which at the same time were correct and he introduced a vocabulary
so delightful for the eyes of a teacher that I gave him the highest
grade.
Deservedly so, of course. I was happy to have a student in whom I
reflected myself. I lay down for a moment to rest because in the
evening I had a meeting with the members of the school. I got ready
and went, it was in a salon in Buenos Aires, an extremely beautiful
place, full of paintings of renowned artists (imitations of course),
and with a garden extremely stimulating for anyone's eyes. I sat
next to Joaquina, she was the one who was my age and with whom I
felt more comfortable. We had a mostly trivial chat, and we went out into the garden for a while to
smoke. I liked him, he had his cold and distant personality, but
inside I could distinguish a charitable and pleasant soul. He was
very intelligent. We talked about philosophy and history. She
complained about nihilism, as she felt that its followers justified
their vagueness under that way of thinking. I laughed and we
debated some more, to annoy her I told her that I liked nihilists and
she became indignant and called me a lazy person, obviously as a
joke. Dinner was over and I accompanied her to her apartment
which was close to mine. She invited me for a cup of tea and I
accepted. We chatted on her balcony for a while and kissed under
the starry night of a Saturday that was just beginning. Then we
went to her bed and had sex. I wanted her and she wanted me.
The next morning I got up and made her breakfast as I used to do
when I was with you. We talked a little and she told me about
spending the day with her and I agreed. It was a rainy Saturday and
a cold that fogged the windows of the cars was falling on the city.
We smoked and prepared lunch and we started to watch war
movies that were to her liking, on my side they were not to my
liking because I considered war as a senseless violent act moved by
personal interests of powerful people. At the end of the movie I
liked it, and when she was about to show another one I interrupted
her and told her that I had to go home to take care of my cat. I said
goodbye to her and left. On my way home I passed by that ice
cream shop we used to go to, I remembered your favorite tastes,
strawberry and mango. I remembered that time we sat on the
sidewalk in the park to enjoy our ice cream and you dropped yours,
I laughed and you laughed at how clumsy you were and we ended
up sharing mine. It seemed strange to me because I was suddenly
overcome with that feeling of sadness and nostalgia again. I had no
reason to feel that way since I had spent a relatively pleasant
evening with Joaquina, but it was after all a physical attraction. I felt
nothing after I left her apartment but just indifference. So I thought I was truly suffering from a "broken heart". I got home and Felix was
sleeping in a rather curious position as cats are wont to do. I
smoked a couple of cigarettes and lay down to get some sleep.
When suddenly I got a message from you. You wanted to see me
and asked how I was. A sudden warmth came over my body and I
didn't know what to answer and said yes. I was happy after all you
wanted to see me to fix things or at least that's what you implied. I
smoked, listened to music and fell asleep.
I woke up agitated and a little excited at the idea of seeing you
again. You invited me to your apartment and I was happy that I
was finally going to see you again after such a long time. I
showered, put on my best perfume and marched to my destination.
You opened the door and greeted me with a cold hug. A feeling of
uncertainty welled up in the back of my neck and I sensed that
something was not right. You poured me a cup of tea, and we
talked a bit about how we had been and you told me that you had
changed jobs and were moving out of town. Now I understood that
the reason for the call was to say goodbye to me forever. You gave
me some clothes that I had left in your apartment and I dared to ask
if you still loved me and your answer left a lump in my throat and
in my stomach after you announced that you had lost your love for
me. I felt devastated, my hands were flooded with cold sweat and
my eyes started to water. I could not believe your answer, since my
concept of love was perpetual, there was no end and no certain
beginning, but when it was felt and developed it was inexhaustible
and lasted through the years. I still loved you and you no longer. I
asked myself on the way home if you ever had love for me, given
the coldness of the answer and the forcefulness of your words. All
those words of love and affection remained an absurdity, hollow
words with nothing inside. I felt ashamed for having asked you
something I preferred not to know, but whose uncertainty made my
head ache every night and caused dryness in my mouth, a dryness
that not even the richest wine could carry away. I felt betrayed, all
those years in which We shared moments for you that perhaps meant nothing to me
meant everything and based my concept of love on you, on us. How
is it possible that you repressed your feelings without even
possessing any remorse, without even asking me if I still loved you
too, you decided to repress that which I let dominate me completely
and blind me in order to find a new safe place to feel loved or
reconciled with myself. I couldn't hate you anyway, I have no
resentment, indeed, I blame myself for having triggered that
reprimand of feelings that you were forced to do in order to
overcome me and detach you from all our memories and
recollections together. I pass by the places we walked by and now
instead of memories I have doubts, I ask myself if you think of me
when you pass by those places, if you get that wave of nostalgia and
memories when you walk these streets where I pass by daily, and
where I am still imprisoned by my own memories. I wonder if you
still watch those movies we used to see to feel that I am next to you
making you love and watching you smile. I wonder, I just wonder,
if by any chance in all this time you stopped loving me or if you
realized that what you really felt for me was not love. All these
questions I ask myself, but I would like to ask you, but I decide to
be silent once again and not share how I feel, I have to let you go.