I dreamt that I was walking naked through the city, I interpreted
it as that my security mask had finally vanished and that I had to
take measures to recover it. I smoked on an empty stomach I had gotten up late and went to work. I felt tired and with a pain in
my head that prevented me from doing my work. I had lunch at
work and recovered some strength, I felt tired, fatigued. I finished
the day very well, my boss congratulated me. I felt nothing. I could
not be happy with myself. I went back home and passed by the
bookstore where we used to meet to look at books. I remembered
when we parted inside and looked for a book to give each other, I
still have the book you gave me and I have to finish it. I got home
and set out to finish it at once. As I reached the last page a letter
slipped into my lap. You had written it to me and I never noticed.
Tears welled up as I read what was in the letter:
"Thank you for choosing me and making me feel like I am awake every
day, but living in a dream by your side. You discovered me and helped me
discover myself. you are going to like the book, I know you are a poet
disguised as an office worker!
I love you forever."
My eyes twitched, and a sea came out of my eyes. I could not
contain myself. I was determined to send you a message, but I was
a prisoner of my decision. I had to let her go. I fell asleep soaked in
tears and a breath of melancholy shook my mind at the same time
that loneliness was present in the room, how could I be so stupid, if
only I had read that letter at that moment today my life would be
different. I could only recreate scenarios in my head imagining
what could have happened if I had only read that damn letter.
Finally I was able to fall asleep because I lay exhausted on my bed
from crying and thinking about you.
I did not remember my dream, for it was surely something
insignificant. My spirits of the day were low, that letter was the salt
that fell on a deep wound that had not yet healed. I ate lunch and
smoked cigarettes. I looked at myself in the mirror and I did not
recognize myself. unkempt. Beard was appearing on a clean, manicured face. I let it
grow. I didn't feel like touching it up. Today was my day off work,
but I hated it. I couldn't bear the thought of being left alone with my
thoughts and memories of us blooming in my mind. I went for a
walk. I found a little kitten. I remembered that you always wanted
one and I remembered the way you treated animals and people
with your endless warmth and selfless kindness that I loved. I
decided to take him home because it was clear that he was
abandoned. I took him to a vet to have his wounds treated and
vaccines given. He was very badly mistreated. I brought him home,
fed him, gave him warmth and love. I named him Felix. I reread the
letter from the other day. I burst into tears again. I smoked a
cigarette and went to sleep.
I dreamt that my teeth were falling out. I assumed it was due to my
lack of self-confidence and insecurity. I remembered that I never
had any luck with the relationships I had because of that. I smoked
on an empty stomach and thus understood that I had relapsed into
addiction again. I needed cigarettes to start my day and to keep me
somewhat numb so I wouldn't think about the emptiness that
breaking up with you had created. I had lunch and went to work.
Noelia, the girl who always came on to me, talked to me and played
with me all day. I played along with her to see if I could feel
something, but I couldn't. I went home and stayed at work. I went
back home and stared at a tree. I remembered you telling me that as
a child you loved to climb trees to see the world from another
perspective. I climbed the tree and I could see it. The world
somehow looked messy and dirty to say the least, I saw people
passing by and no one noticed me. I felt invisible. I stopped by a
store to buy cigarettes and beer as I knew it was going to be a
torturous weekend with my thoughts. I got home and set about
smoking and drinking myself into unconsciousness. Our memories
replayed again and I managed to stifle a chuckle. I fell asleep.