A lot of things changed during the two years when I could no longer hear my Spiritual friends. I met my girlfriend, a beautiful trans girl named Raven, and moved into an apartment to live with her. I got a new job, a new life, and new friends.
The experiences I had with the Gods faded away like a distant memory, and I became convinced that I really had just been psychotic all along. I decided that none of what happened back then was real; it was just psychosis.
My new life was wonderful, but not perfect. I had lots of trouble sleeping and relaxing. My trauma was more manageable but not gone. My trauma made my stomach weak, and I had a lot of coughing and gagging fits. I also had massive anger issues. My biggest fear is losing control of myself due to anger, so my reaction to anger is to lie in bed and do nothing, because doing nothing is better than doing something I regret out of anger. Sometimes I laid in bed for hours.
I still had trouble writing. Every time I finished a rough draft of my fanfiction, I was terrified of reading it again, which made editing impossible. I didn't fully understand what kind of emotional blockages were preventing me from looking at my rough drafts, but I called it stage fright.
I renounced my faith in Christianity and decided I wanted to convert to Judaism. I believed that Jesus wasn't really a god; he was probably just a human who was very psychotic, like me. I went to a nearby Jewish synagogue and met some really nice people, and they were all LGBT-friendly. However, driving to the synagogue took a lot of effort so I thought I might find a Rabbi online instead who can help me convert. Unfortunately the first Rabbi I found online turned out to be a homophobic jerk. I told him that his god was abusive and cut ties with him.
What's great about Raven is that she and I are a really great match for each other. We both love to dress up in alternative fashion, especially goth and punk clothing. I jokingly like to say that "Looking cool is very important."
It was during Spring of 2023 when the Gods gradually began to reopen the spiritual connection. I slowly began to hear their voices once again, a little bit at a time. A lot of my communication with the Gods was in the form of concepts, feelings, and images rather than words.
Buddha told me that some of the Greek Gods had decided to reincarnate, and that someday I would meet them.
Ares told me he preferred his Greek name over his Roman name, so I called him Ares instead of Mars from then on.
I missed Poseidon. One time while lying in bed I called out to him, not really expecting an answer, but to my surprise I heard Ares asking me "Why are you calling out to Poseidon instead of me?"
I was confused. "Why would I call out to you? We're not exactly on good terms. I pledged my loyalty to Poseidon, not you."
Where was Poseidon, anyway? I no longer heard from him. Instead, Ares had taken his place as the King of Games. I asked him, "Why would they let you stand in as King of Games? I thought everyone hated you."
Ares asked me, "Who do you think is better at games? Me or Poseidon?"
I said, "I don't know either of you well enough to know which of you is better at games."
Sometimes Ares would probe my mind for information without me realizing he was doing it. One time he put me in a trance and asked my subconscious what I thought about him and Poseidon. Were they similar or very different? I thought, You're a little different.
"Sure. A little different," Ares said sarcastically, and he accidentally made me say these words aloud. Raven who was playing video games looked at me, wondering what I just said. I stared at her blankly, and she went back to gaming. It took a moment for me to figure out what had happened; Ares was hypnotizing me and accidentally made me talk. The spiritual connection was much stronger than it had been two years ago, sometimes too strong than what was good for me.
One time I was lying in bed feeling intense amount of anger, and Ares subtly asked my subconscious how I would like to punish Richard, my ex-friend who sexually assaulted me twice. I thought, I wanted to put a curse on him so that he would never have another meaningful relationship, and the curse could only be lifted if he prayed to any God to ask for help. I could hear Ares exclaiming, "That's it?! That's your big punishment?! Why aren't you more angry than this?" It showed that I wasn't really that angry at Richard; just heartbroken.
Sometimes Ares would use my dreams as a means to probe for information. One time he made me dream about walking over a picture of Daniel Radcliff dressed as Harry Potter. I was about to walk away, but then I stopped and went back to admire the picture.
When I woke up, I could hear Ares laughing at me. "So you do like Harry Potter," he said.
"You were probing my mind while I was asleep again! Stop doing that!" I shouted.
For context, my girlfriend is transgender and I'm non-binary, so we trash talk about Harry Potter all the time, regarding it with contempt and disdain. We resent that the author of Harry Potter is a terf who hates trans people.
I explained to Ares that it's too dangerous to like Harry Potter in the current political climate. I did enjoy the books and wish I could still enjoy the fandom material, but I don't want to support J.K. Rowling who is a terf.
I lay in bed and closed my eyes, trying to block out the voices. I told myself, they aren't real.
"Yeah, we aren't real," Ares whispered into my mind.
It's just psychosis, I thought to myself.
"Yeah it's just psychosis," Ares whispered.
I'm delusional, I thought.
"That's right, you're delusional," said Ares.
I opened my eyes and shouted, "Stop that! How am I supposed to pretend that you don't exist if you make yourself so obvious?!"
Ares roared with laughter.
Over the course of time, I learned that Ares never actually raped anyone; he was falsely accused of rape by his ex-girlfriend, Aphrodite. This explained why he had been so angry at me for automatically believing the female voice I heard calling him a rapist. I had jumped to conclusions without any evidence.
It's hard to explain how the Gods teach me things. It's like, one moment I didn't know that Ares was falsely accused, and then a thought appears into my head, just a small suggestion at first, and then the thought grows until I acquire new information. Sometimes it happens instantaneously; I don't know something one moment, and then the next moment I know it. I can't explain how the Gods teach concepts to me by doing this; it just happens.
But even though Ares was the victim of a false accusation, it didn't excuse his behavior in his quest for revenge. Ares went way overboard in his anger against all women during the past several thousand years. He incited misogyny and influenced human men into acting toxic against women. He had massive anger issues, and a bad temper.
I was similar in my anger against men as a result of all the sexual harassment and assault I've suffered over many years. There were a few times I used to descend into terf-levels of hatred for men when I was younger, but I have since decided that wasn't who I wanted to be. Instead of descending into toxic misandry, I fight toxic masculinity with the use of positive masculinity.
I tried to find alternate outlets for my anger, only unleashing my hostility against toxic people who deserved it. (I say try to, because there were still times when I let my anger out on the wrong people, but I was working on getting better.) For example I get a lot of spam text messages from people trying to scam me for money, so I would send them pictures of my used period pads to gross them out. It was a great way to get them block me and leave me alone.
One time when I did this, the scammer tried to harass me back by saying ableist comments about my mental illness, so I bragged that I got money from the government and told him to cripple himself so he could get disability money too. Mikey didn't like this. Mikey didn't like this at all. How dare I use my flaunt disability money as some kind of trophy? Also, as an able-bodied person I should not be using the word "cripple."
One day I was in a sorrowful mood and expressed how sad I was about Mother Gaia. "Our Mother is suicidal because of us. This is all our fault," I said.
That night, while I was alone in the bedroom, I heard a tapping sound in the roof of my apartment.
"Yes? What is it?" I asked.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
"What? What is it? What do you want me to do?" I asked anxiously.
Tap.
"You're starting to scare me a little," I said. "What is it? You want me to kneel down and pray?"
When I talked to the Gods, I was very casual and just talked to them like a regular conversation. But Buddha was old-fashioned and traditional. He wanted me to pray like humans normally do.
"Dear Ares,
Trans people hate terfs too. We're on the same side here. You and I both have anger issues, so why don't we try to handle it in ways that are healthier? Let's only take our anger out on people who deserve it, and even if they deserve it let's agree not to go too far.
Dear Buddha,
I'll admit I'm a little intimidated by you because of who you are. You're Buddha. Mother Gaia is the head of the first three most popular religions, and you're the fourth and fifth. But I know you don't want me to be afraid of you, so why don't you and I be friends instead?
Dear Mikey,
When that scammer said ableist comments to me, I wanted to make him respect disabled people but perhaps the method I used was less than desirable. I'm sorry for the text that I sent him. Can you forgive me? You know it's impossible for a human being to be perfect, right? I'm flattered that I'm your Favorite Person, but it's impossible for any human being to live up to those absurdly high standards, so maybe it's better to pick a fictional character to be your F.P. instead.
Also I'd like to ask Buddha and Mikey not to watch me when I'm writing fanfiction. You know I have stage fright. I don't like being watched when I write. Ares can look because he's supposed to do that thing that Gods do when he infuses me with superpower writing abilities.
I pray in the name of Mother,
Amen."
Afterwards, Buddha laid me down and filled my mind with images of China; the temples, farmland, villages, and mountains. These images represent who Buddha is. I was honored to be part of his tradition.
In the morning when I woke up, Ares was angrily berating me for the time I falsely accused a man of taking sexual advantage of his own children, with nothing to go off of except that this man had the same body type as Richard. Ares said, "What if the police arrest him on false charges? And there's the possibility that he might commit sex crimes for real after being falsely accused."
But Buddha came to my defense. "We cannot control what people do after being falsely accused. That is the individual's own responsibility, not ours. Also, Raine sent the accusation over a private message. How are the police going to see it? And even if they did see it, there's no evidence to arrest him for it."
Buddha told me that I was partially correct in my prayer, but I got some details wrong. Mother Gaia is only the head of one religion and that's Judaism. The two most popular religions (Christianity and Islam) were headed by the Heavenly Father. Plus, Buddhism and Hinduism were the world's third and fourth most popular religions, not the fourth and fifth.
Ares demanded that I start addressing him with the titles "Master" or "Lord," and that I bow down to him with my face against the floor. I dispassionately obliged the first request, calling him Lord Ares, but my heart wasn't in it. I felt that bowing down would be too embarrassing so I chose not to do it.
"Why is it that you're more afraid of Buddha than you are of me, the literal God of War?" Ares wondered. "I cannot make this human afraid of me no matter what I do. Why is it so easy for you?" he told Buddha.
"That's what it means to rule by respect instead of brute force," said Buddha.
"Of course you were always Mother's favorite," Ares said bitterly.
"I stayed behind to comfort Mother while you and all the other delinquents went down to Earth to start your own religion without her permission," Buddha said angrily.
"Did you make the human say that yesterday?" Ares was referring to when I said it was our fault that Mother was suicidal.
"I didn't make him say anything. He did that on his own."
"You liar!"
"How can I lie? It's literally a rule against my own religion to lie."
It felt awkward that I was there listening as Ares and Buddha were having a sibling argument.
"Stop listening in, Raine! This doesn't concern you!" said Ares and Buddha at the same time.
"I'm not trying to listen in. The connection is too strong now. I can't block it even if I tried," I said.
"Distract yourself with something else. If I can block it upon request, then so can you," said Buddha.
And so I distracted myself by going out to eat lunch with Raven. Despite this I could still hear snippets of their argument.
"That time when the human wrote that worship song was the happiest I've seen Mother for almost four thousand years," Buddha said.
When I got back home from my lunch date with Raven, Ares and Buddha were just finishing up their argument.
"It makes sense that you don't really see eye to eye. You have two very different personalities. It seems that the only thing you have in common is that you both hate Christians," I said.
"Correction, I don't hate Christians; I hate Christianity," said Buddha. "It's a very poorly-conceived religion."
"I lost my religion to Christianity," Ares said with bitterness.
My memories of the way things happened is a little fuzzy. I don't exactly remember when I did this, but at some point I made a promise to Ares that I would never leave him unless I could be sure he had other friends to depend on, and that he'd be alright without me. His response was telling me we weren't friends; I was his slave.
I mulled it over in my head. "Hmm, I guess you can call me your slave when we're alone, but out in public in think it'd be better if you referred to me as your servant, that way it implies that I choose to serve you out of my own free will rather than being forced to.
Ares said, "Raine's a strange person. I've never met a human like him before."
Buddha said, "I've met a few. A human like this only comes along once every several thousand years."
At some point, I don't remember exactly when, but Ares decided he wanted to torment me for a while.
It was nighttime and I was trying to fall asleep while my girlfriend was in the other room playing video games. Ares told me that because I signed my soul away to him, I was now his slave for all eternity. I would no longer be allowed to reincarnate if I wanted to. According to the contract, Ares was not allowed to do anything against the greater good or traumatize me. As soon as he broke the contract, my soul no longer belonged to him. However he could choose to break the contract anytime he wanted to if he lost interest in keeping me. He could wreck havoc on the world, inciting hostile humans into inflicting violence on women and minorities. "I don't want world peace," he said. "I want humans to suffer, especially women. If you don't want me to hurt people you will please me however you can."
He demanded that I bow down to him, and this time I obliged out of genuine fear.
He forced me to say, "You are better at games than Poseidon." And I thought, wait, that's what this is about? I had no strong beliefs either way about who was better at games. Was it really that important to him? To me it felt really petty.
Then Ares showed me a vision of a possible future. I was being put on trial for doing something terribly illegal, and I needed the Gods' help to get out of the sticky situation. But just to be cruel, Ares would choose this very moment to break the contract and abandon me.
"You'd abandon me during my hour of need?" I said trembling.
Ares roared with laughter.
"But...you can't!" I said. "Because...because then you'd never be happy again!"
The laughing stopped.
"Didn't we have a lot of fun together?" I asked. "Didn't I bring you joy and happiness for the first time in thousands of years? If you abandon me you won't be happy again for a very long time. Buddha said so himself. A human like me only comes around once every several thousand years. And Buddha can't lie."
"It's not that I can't; it's that I don't," said Buddha.
I told Ares, "Please, I want to help you. I'm a gift created by Nature to give to you. Mother just wants what's best for you."
I couldn't hear Ares' reply.
In the day that followed, I thought about my fate. I didn't really mind staying in the afterlife instead of reincarnating, though it still kind of sucked that I lost that choice available to me. I would never get another chance at life again, which means I have to make this one count. It's a pretty good life anyway. I have a wonderful home, loving parents, an awesome girlfriend, and amazing friends.
Buddha told me I was foolish for signing away my soul. My last bargaining chip was my ability to make Ares laugh. My personality was all I had left that was mine to control.
The next night I told Raven that my psychosis was acting up lately. "No matter how psychotic I get, will you never leave me?" I asked her.
She replied, "I will never leave you."
"Will you also stay with me in the afterlife?" I asked.
"Yes, I will stay with you."
I said, "At the time of when I was about to be born, my parents were living in poverty and my mom had recently failed a class. On top of that the baby was destined to be born autistic. Nobody wanted my life at the time. Nature had to create a new soul to live my life, which turned into me. Which means I have no previous reincarnations. Now I know you're not supposed to believe everything psychosis tells you, but for some reason I believe this one. When I die, the spirits want me to stay in the afterlife, which means this is the only life I'll be allowed to have."
"You shouldn't let the spirits define your choices," said Raven.
"Yeah. You shouldn't," both me and Ares said at the same time.
I started being afraid of being alone, because whenever I was alone, the moment Raven left the room, Ares and Buddha demanded my attention. I also became afraid of going to sleep too, because they would probe my mind while I was asleep.
However there were some things that felt suspicious. Despite the terrifying things Ares said, it didn't really feel like I was in any real danger. Everything felt staged. One time Ares threatened to kill my friends. I replied, "How can you? The contract forbids you to do anything against the greater good." He didn't have a reply for me. He asked me if I would restart up his religion for him and recruit people who would worship him. I told him he would have to force me.
There was still the matter of writing fanfiction. I still had stage fright, and Ares still needed to help me edit the next chapter.
So the next night I sat down on the floor, opened up my laptop, and gathered up enough courage to open up the unedited chapter. It was not ready to be posted on the internet yet. Ares and I took turns typing up a conversation as if we were chatting in an online private messaging system.
I typed: I'm afraid my writing won't be good enough.
Ares typed: It's ok, I'll guide you. You don't even have to look at the screen. Just look up.
I looked up away from the screen. Ares and I continued typing out a conversation.
Ares: Mikey is watching us.
Apparently Mikey didn't listen to me when I told him I didn't like being watched when I write. He was too overprotective to leave me alone with Ares.
Ares: I'm locked inside prison. I need you to help me break out of here.
Me: Sure.
I did have misgivings, however. If he was in prison, he must've committed serious crimes. Any logical person would know that breaking someone out of prison was a bad idea. But my instincts told me he was a good person, and my instincts were rarely wrong.
Me: If I help break you out, will you promise not to hurt anyone?
Ares: No guarantees, Raine.
Me: But you can't because of the contract.
Here there was a pause in our conversation. I heard a voice say, "Remember this code," and then somebody had me type out a string of numbers: 219853. Or at least, I tried to type out the string of numbers. It was hard for me to figure out where the number keys were without looking at the keyboard. I fumbled around, trying to figure out which keys to hit, but I definitely pressed a whole bunch of wrong keys. It was easy to figure out where the letter keys were because of the bumps on the F and J keys, which meant I could type words without looking at the keyboard, but numbers were difficult.
Afterwards I pressed the delete key and held it until I believed our entire conversation had been deleted. It was hard to tell how long I should hold the delete key without looking at the computer screen, but I made sure it was longer than necessary just to be on the safe side.
Our conversation continued:
Me: Ares, are you suicidal?
Ares: No, I'm not. I just want to be able to do whatever I want with Mother out of the way.
Me: But Mother can't die unless everybody else is dead too, and that includes you, Ares. Even if you won't do what's best for yourself, will you do what's best for Mother?
Once again I held down the delete key, for much longer than what was necessary. Once I was sure our conversation had been deleted, I looked at the computer screen.
The screen was recording itself. There was a counter at the bottom-right side of the screen, which only just began to count up to record. Also, the conversation had only been partially deleted, even though I held down the delete key for so long. Here's what was left on the screen:
Mikey is watching us.
I'm locked inside prison. I need you to help me break out of her
Ares, are you suicidal?
No I'm not. I just want to be able to do whatever I want with Mother out of the
I ended the recording and deleted it, and then I deleted the conversation on the screen, but it was too late. Mikey saw everything. And he had a photographic memory; he would never forget.
I couldn't see or hear what was happening in the Spiritual Realm, but I knew Ares was in trouble. I had to do something. I typed:
Stop. Stop. You misunderstood our conversation. Please, whatever it is you're doing to Ares, just stop.
A few moments later, I saw a vision of Ares chained up in prison, coughing up blood after being beaten up.
Me: I was explaining to him that Mother Nature cannot die if even one sentient being is still existing, and that includes him. That includes everyone in the spiritual realm as well as in the physical realm. Even if Ares won't make the right decision for himself, he will still make the right decision for Mother.
Mikey: Wish I could trust your judgment, Raine, but you have a tendency to be too naive for your own good.
Me: I am a good judge of character. You know that. I'm right about a lot of things. I derive the truth.
Me: Your threats really were all empty threats this whole time, weren't they, Ares. I just knew it. You made me think I was the only thing keeping you from wrecking havoc on the world, but actually I'm the only thing preventing them from killing you. I'm your last lifeline. Actually I suspected it this whole time. You really think you're that good at lying?
Ares: Fuck you Raine. I never liked you to begin with. You and your stupid preachings about therapy. Fuck that. I don't want or need your help.
Me: Pride gets in the way doesn't it. You want to settle this in a game instead?
There was a pause.
Ares: You want to challenge the King of Games to a game.
Me: Yeah why not. This could be fun.
Me: Whoever did that recording thing just now, that was really clever. Who's orchestrating this whole thing, anyway?
A moment of silence. Nobody answered.
Me: Yeah right, like anyone's going to admit to it.
Ares: Shut up.
Ares: I accept your challenge Raine. We are going to have a game of silence. Whoever is the first to utter a sound is the loser. Coughing is ok. Sneezing is ok. Screaming, however, is forbidden, even in pain. So is crying. And laughing. If your voice is heard, it's game over.
It takes as long as it takes. If you die before I utter a sound, you're the winner. If you win, I'll take your stupid therapy sessions. But if you lose, nothing happens You still get to live your happy life. Everything stays the same, except I won't be your friend anymore.
Me: I can accept that.
There was a silence. I could sense Ares feeling worried, but I didn't know why. I moment later I realized my mistake.
Me: I mean I can accept the challenge. I don't want to lose you as a friend however. That's unacceptable, because then I can't keep my promise that I won't leave you unless I can be sure you have other friends to depend on, and that you'll be alright without me.
Ares: You have to be such a stuck up saint. I hate squares like you.
Me: You have so much to be proud of. Why's your self-esteem so low?
Ares: I don't have low self-esteem. I'm a God and I expect to be treated as one.
Me: And you shall. I'll write a religion for you and recruit members.
Ares: You weren't so keen on that earlier.
Me: Well now I have more resolve now that I know the whole situation. People might think I'm crazy but that's ok. Most people already do. I have to ask, however, was that stuff about the contract actually true? I did sign away my soul to you?
Ares: It was the lamest contract ever but yeah. Technically I own your soul, but I lose rights as soon as I traumatize you or do anything against the greater good. You're so fucking stupid Raine
Me: Yeah I know.
Ares: You're the stupidest human I've ever met. So why do you get to be so successful?
Me: The whole point of teamwork is to cover each other's weaknesses so none of us have to be skilled at everything. I take care of my job, you take care of yours.
Ares: Has the game started already?
Me: I guess so. Yes. Let's start. Like, right now.
It was the middle of the night, and Raven was sleeping, which means I wouldn't need to talk to her until tomorrow. I thought about how long I could go without speaking. Was it possible for me to pretend to lose my voice for a few days, possibly a week? No, I was terrible at lying, and I wouldn't be able to pretend for very long at all. Also I had promised a friend I would help drive them somewhere tomorrow at 3pm, and it would be impossible to interact with them without talking to them. Assuming that Raven would be playing video games all morning yet again, I could try to avoid her for the beginning of the day and she might not notice. The longest I could keep the game going was until tomorrow at 3pm.
As I mentioned before, I often had fits of coughing and gagging because my body was perpetually sick due to trauma. The Gods had the ability to induce me into these fits of coughing whenever they pleased. So far they only did it when they wanted to tell me something, or if they wanted me to do something.
Ares: I have the power to make you sick. That's why coughing and gagging is ok. Otherwise I'd win just by yanking those chains.
You're so fucking dumb. As soon as I'm free I can
Ares didn't need to say it for everyone to get the message: I can make you cough and gag so hard that you can't breathe, and then you'll choke to death. Mikey reacted with extreme anger and horror when he heard this. He ordered the guards to start beating Ares up again.
Me: Stop please don't hurt him. The game isn't over. I'm not supposed to have help. If you punch him he might use his vocal cords, and that doesn't count. If anyone helps me, that's cheating.
The point of a fair game is that neither side has anyone giving them advice or helping them. And no sabotage either because that's cheating. The side who cheats is the side that forfeits.
They stopped beating Ares up, but I had the sense that Ares was holding in his coughing because he wasn't sure if it counted as part of the game.
Me: Coughing or gagging doesn't count for Ares either. I thought that was an unspoken agreement? It's only fair.
At this, Ares began to cough, gag, and sputter so hard, much harder than what was necessary, purposely spewing blood all over the guards.
Me: Ares Please Stop doing that.
Ares: Doing what?
Me: Cough and gag more than necessary to gross out the guards.
I could hear Ares thinking it's their own fault. But he obliged my request.
For about an hour, I passed the time away distracting myself with random things on my phone or computer. Then for about another hour I went to bed and lay there trying to fall asleep. Ares and I would send each other funny thoughts trying to make each other laugh.
I tried bargaining with Ares, asking him if he'd let me win on purpose, that way he keeps his pride. He asked me, "What makes you think I'd let you win on purpose?"
I said, "Because you wouldn't want to stop being friends with me. Also when you go to therapy you can mess around with the therapist and antagonize them."
"You're not supposed to tell me to do that," said Ares.
"Eh, some therapists can be really dumb."
I fell asleep. When I woke up it was around 10am. Raven wasn't sleeping next to me anymore because she was in the other room playing video games once again. I lay in bed, relaxing, but I must've been too relaxed because while taking deep breaths I exhaled too vigorously and ended up letting out a small sigh. I realized I had just lost the game, but nobody seemed to have noticed except for Ares. I told him, "This would be a good time to pretend you lost the game." A few minutes passed and I exhaled too loudly once again and let out another small sigh. I inwardly berated myself. How could I make the same mistake twice, in such a short amount of time? I asked Ares if he told everyone he lost the game yet, and he said yes.
I typed: Alright Ares, you win. I exhaled too loudly and made a sound. I knew I wasn't going to last long. What's going on down there? I can't see anything.
It was then revealed to me that Ares lied about pretending to lose the game. He was waiting until I told everyone he had won to launch his plan.
Ares: I'm going to count to 10, and before I do, you are going to release me from this prison cell, or else I'll choke the human to death. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
I said, "Ares, please, it doesn't have to be this way." Then I started coughing softly.
The guards released Ares from his chains, unlocked the prison door, and stepped out of the way. Ares escaped from prison and took me with him as a hostage.
To be continued...