-pitpat pitpat
"Damn it's pouring outside huh"
"No shit. Didn't you see the weather notice? We're on storm watch ass."
"No need to get so antsy sis."
Honestly speaking, I already knew we were on storm watch. I just wanted to annoy her. I'm so damn bored right now I could rob a bank or something.
"Are you having some idiotic monologue again?"
"No."
I answered instantly.
Seriously though, do all women have some sort of sixth sense or something? She has to be an esper. No way she ain't.
"So did you have a reason to interrupt me... or no?"
Hearing her question I had an epiphany, I chanced upon a genius idea. Finally I had thought of something to curb my growing boredom.
"Say.. Alice. Wanna read a novel with me?"
"And why on earth would I do that?"
"Cus, I'm bored. You're bored. Why not do something interesting."
I could see her eyebrow twitch at my statement. I cut her off before she got the chance to voice her disapproval.
"Not any regular old novel by the way."
"Hmm?"
She tilted her head slightly and leaned forward. 'Got her.'
Clearly interested in what I had to say she continued.
"And pray tell, what's so special about the novel we're going to read?"
Smiling gleefully I replied while doing jazz hands.
"Im~ so~ glaaad~ you asked! We're going to read the absolutely WORST novel we can find! I'm talking the worst of the worst, the cream of the dump. Certified steaming horse shi—"
"Get on with it already."
She rolled her eyes while smiling after so rudely cutting me off.
tch I didn't even finish my description yet.
"Name."
"Uh?"
"What's the name of the novel dumbass."
"Ohhhhhhhh, yeah I didn't find it yet."
She sighed at my negligence before proposing a solution.
"Should we check Reddit, or just filter the worst rated on Scribblehub?"
"Scribblehub. Definitely Scribblehub."
Surprisingly enough, most Reddit users actually have somewhat decent taste. Scribblehub on the otherhand.... I mean come on you can literally find Incest Xianxia shit there.
"Alright, get to looking then."
Y'know sometimes I really don't like her tone. Not that I can do anything about it anyway.
'Well, time to start looking. Let's see.... nope, no, "In another world as an outhouse" WHAT THE FUCK? Why does that even have 4.6 stars!?? Ah, finally at the bottom of the barrel.'
"I found one Alice."
"What's it called?"
"Regression of the Holy Swordsman. A Whopping 1.6 stars and the most cliche title you can find!"
"Interesting, it's giving 2012 anime of the year awards. Well, open it up. It's your laptop we're using, since mine has too many tabs."
Hearing that my eyebrow twitched. Curses be on whoever normalized this annoying slang. And why does she have to be so bossy, I get that she's the older one but damn.
***
.....That, was the WORST work of literature I have ever laid my eyes on. A third grader could come up with a better composition.
"I'm sure I could've written better than that at third grade."
'Did she just read my mind? Whatever, at least I'm not the only one who thought so.'
"Bad review?"
She nodded her head with a mischievous smile.
"Bad review. Just make sure it isn't on our main account."
"Gotcha. I'm not tryna get cancelled either, my last concert sold out last week."
"Look at you showing off. Acting like I don't have more than double your gross sales."
She teased, her every word slurring annoyingly.
"Yeah whatever. Let's just write this review."
[ProfessionalTwitterhater45: "Mate this is the WORST novel I have ever seen. If I could rip my eyes out and rinse them with bleach I would. Even a scrubdaddy couldn't remove the absolute horse shite that this novel is. It's a good thing we aren't in wartime because this is some shit they would read to you as a form of torture."]
"Aaaand send."
"You're being too nice Averie. You filtered me too much."
"Nah you're just the embodiment of evil."
"It's called being critical."
"No. It's called cyberbullying."
"Says the one with a twitter account."
She muttered that last sentence but I still heard her. I mean she isn't wrong though.
"Hey Alice, look the author responded!"
"What did he say?"
"Let's see."
[XXDarkShadowXX: "THIS IS A WORK OF ART! The fact you don't realize that shows that you're an idiot. You probably still wear diapers and beg your mommy to clean your ass cheeks."]
'Yeah... I'm not letting that slide.'
[ProfessionalTwitterhater45: "Lol okay 'XXDarkShadowXX'. Is that really the best you could come up with in the THIRTY minutes i posted that comment?"]
[XXDarkShadowXX: "You're such an ASSHOLE! You don't know what I'm going through right now or what I'm dealing with. My cat died last week, I got hit by a truck and broke my leg. Not to mention my girlfriend cheated on me with my DISABLED cousin!"]
[ProfessionalTwitterhater45: "No wonder she left you, I bet your cousin doesn't trauma dump on a random stranger or writes Dogwater novels. Cope."]
[XXDarkShadowXX: "Y'know what, I've had it with you! You're a disappoint to your parents! Since my novel is so 'Dogwater' I hope you get sent into it as a third rate villian! As a matter of fact I CURSE YOU TO BE SENT INTO THE NOVEL. AHAHHHAHAHA."]
"Does this dude think he's a wizard or something?"
"Bro why did I hear this in my head as Daffy Duck?"
"Haha, of course you would Alice. You could say he was a bit of a... Quack."
"..."
"...Yeah my bad."
Right after my amazing joke, a bright light enveloped our penthouse. It looked as if some satanic cult was throwing a rave in the room.
"YO WHAT THE FUC—"