So this story is on a few other sites, and I received a lot of questions on those sites. I have answered them here, in case anyone is wondering the same thing. Here is a note from this chapter. :
I don't understand why none of you review and instead send me PMs with all sorts of curious questions. I shall explain them all here: (You happy? Now everyone has to read this long-ass beginning note because no one reviews telling me they don't understand this stuff, I have to wait a month after updating to hear from you hahaha, what is up with how much hassle this fic causes me?).
References within the anime/manga
1. Boshu; the act of offering in which one gives food/gifts to a God. A practice not uncommon in most Eastern religions. However, the way I have used it (with Ai dipping her ring finger into milk/cutting her ring finger to offer blood) has been completely made up by me and is indeed a reference to Yashamaru's act of kindness towards Gaara as a child in which he cuts his finger to demonstrate physical pain to Gaara and a deeper lesson about love. I founded boshu on this because it is one of the first acts of love Gaara experiences. Yashamaru does cut his ring finger too but there is a further meaning behind this which will be explained later in the fic.
2. Kizuato; the act of "marking" someone to ward off the evil eye is common practice in many countries (usually with dark kohl). However, in this fic it is a reference to Gaara scarring himself with the kanji symbol on his forehead, when he was a child; the only person he accepted and loved in his blood-thirsty days was himself, now Ai is the only other person marked by him. It is the only way in which Gaara can act within love, it is a ritual entirely fitting of the blood-love; he had to inflict pain on Ai to perform an act of great affection. Poor guy doesn't know any better :( Lucky for me it is one hell of a literary theme.
Other points to note:
1. "She was Gaara's first love." A couple of astute reviewers have inferred that I mean that Ai and Gaara will not end up together. As is usual with this story, all is not as it seems so please do not assume the worst!
2. "A love to start or end all wars." Yes, this is a reference to the 4th shinobi war, yes this fic follows the story of the manga, yes I am upset they put that chunin exam filler in the anime because now it skews everything in this fic.
3. The fact that Gaara has acted more like a whore than Ai; hahahaha, I found this hilarious in one PM that pointed this out! i.e. Gaara has performed more sexual favours than Ai even though she's supposed to be the prostitute. (Still laughing at the idea of Gaara being the courtesan instead). In answer to this observation I have two things to say:
a) Ai is not a prostitute, she is a courtesan; as such, sex comes into her "secondary skills set". Courtesans are sought after for their intelligence, beauty, entertainment skills and company. Sex, whilst of course being a big part of courtesan culture, is considered far too sacred of an act for a courtesan to act entirely whorish; it is between her and the customer to engage in sex however they want. So for this reason it is not odd that Ai should…um…be a little less…adventurous(?) than Gaara. Hahahaha.
b) Their relationship is not an orthodox noble man meets courtesan deal, so it is not unusual that their sex life be just as unorthodox.
4. Ai swearing. I received a little stick for Ai swearing in lemons, considering Megumi won't even let her use apostrophes. Ai has a rebellious nature and I would hope, from stealing birdcages, from using apostrophes, from defying all social norms and continuing a sexual relationship with a psychopathic jinchurriki-turned-Kage, that her swearing a little is not completely shocking.
5. Ai using jutsu. Let the fic develop, see where that stuff goes, it is going to be amazing!
6. Ai's clothes. I get a lot of: "she's wearing a skirt, she's wearing a dress…? WHICH ONE IS IT?" I've said many times that the courtesan culture I refer to in the fic is that of the Mughal Empire (think India C15-18th) and Ai essentially dresses like the women in the videos I am constantly suggesting. To be more specific, I envisage Ai to wear lenghas. If you search for pictures of Aishwarya Rai in Umrao Jaan (2006), basically anything she wears, Ai wears very similar stuff. Or just google the term lengha. (Ai doesn't do the cropped blouse…well not just yet ;) Ah, ending on a parenthesis!).
Yes, if you review more these subtleties could be teased out of me much earlier and we would not find ourselves in the position of me explaining to you why this story is on another level. Tell your friends. So that they also refrain from leaving reviews.
okay, finally, back to the fic!
***
Megumi spilt her tea, the morning Ai arrived at the Tea House. She remembered the moment clearly; her chair scraping backwards on the stone floor as the clock struck six, the teacup in her hand falling back onto the table, white tea spilling over and through the iron filagree tabletop, as she looked up to see who would knock on her door so early in the morning.
The day was overcast and bleak, and she had walked towards the doors of her House with an uncertain, ominous feeling as though she were about to reveal something unwanted. What caught her eye, upon opening the doors was not at all as she thought; like a bottled moonbeam, she came across light and warmth and hope. The dancer's eyes welled with tears as she looked upon the face of her dearest friend, the poet, Ariwara no Kai.
"Kai!" She remembered speaking his name with disbelief, though the memory of the sound had now faded to an echo. Megumi had gone to embrace his withered and tired soul but the handsome friend pushed her back and revealed what was in his arms. A tear fell from Megumi's cheek when she saw her.
A frail and fair child, cooing and laughing and reaching up for her father's beard as he held her, wrapped in a white cotton cloth. Skin pale as the moon, hair dark as the night and eyes so blue they rivalled the sky itself. Beside herself with happiness, Megumi took the child in her arms and called Ai her own. The dancer spun in bliss and laughed as the child did, spinning and giggling as though they had been united through fate. The woman's long dark hair flowing around them like the wisps of desert wind.
"Her mother, Kai?" Megumi had asked but her smile faded, that cold ominous feeling returned as Kai sighed and shut the door behind him. Megumi held tight to the child for fear she may drop her in surprise at what Kai proceeded to tell her.
That day, that morning, Megumi's world changed. Only moments before meeting Ai she believed her sole purpose was to orchestrate the proceedings of a courtesan House but what Kai told her changed her charge entirely. She was entrusted with something far more precious than what she thought her life would ever, could ever, entail. But she trusted her friend, he was a good man, simple and loyal and he would never ask of her the impossible. So Megumi took this beautiful, lonesome child and raised her as though her own. Ai became a part of the Tea House, became a part of Megumi's life for good. So now, at the thought of finally losing her, Megumi could not help but weep.
The two, almost mother and daughter, were sat on Megumi's bed in the palace. The day had turned cold, the room almost seemed grey and silent. The room was full to the brim with grey, fading glass, even the chandelier looked as though it were tired and hung listlessly from the ceiling. The only thing you could hear was the occasional tinkle from the wind chimes outside, the tick of the grandfather clock in the corner, as Ai sat in white, unable to look at her teacher for the shame of disobeying her.
"Have I hurt you so much?" Ai asked slowly, looking down to the floor. "By loving him?" Megumi shook her head as hot tears ran down her aged and beautiful face. She also wore white, but with a trim of gold and gold jewellery with seemed to have lost its lustre. What a strange symmetry life had; the day she met Ai she had wept with joy, the day for Ai to leave, she wept with regret.
"No, Utsukushīdesu (beautiful one)," Megumi replied with her head bowed. Ai glanced up.
"Why did you call me that? A name given to me by others?" Megumi almost laughed upon hearing this and sniffed.
"You have so many names now," the elder courtesan breathed heavily and wiped her eyes with the end of her veil. "I hear they talk of you in other villages; the girl with the moonlike face, the girl who can talk to biju, beautiful one, divine one, all names others have given you." As she spoke, heavy tears escaped her eyes, her breathing became deep and heavy and Ai, so delicate in her manner, could not help but feel this emptiness too.
"And why does that upset you so?" As the young girl spoke, Megumi looked up to her most beloved student. Ai: so innocent, so beautiful, so willing to do the right thing, to please those who mean most to her.
"Because it seems you are no longer in my keeping." Megumi sobbed, "it seems your time has come." Ai looked startled and tilted her head.
"My time has come to…?"
"To leave me." A heartbeat passed before Ai moved forwards and embraced her teacher.
"Never!" She shouted as Megumi, tears still rolling down her face, smiled at the affection. "You are the closest thing I have ever known to family!" Ai's shouts were muffled by Megumi's veil that she buried into for comfort.
"No, my child." Ai withdrew slowly as she noticed Megumi change; the woman's back stiffened, her voice became deeper, more serious, all tears stopped at once. As Ai moved back, Megumi looked her in the eye and nodded; it was time. "I must tell you about your family. I must tell you what was entrusted to me nineteen years ago." Ai's veil fell from her head as Megumi spoke and she opened her mouth as though to say something but nothing would come to her. "I remember the day your father brought you to me-"
"I have a father?" Instantly, unwelcome tears filled the girl's eyes.
"We all do, some of us are lucky enough to know who they are." The elder woman sighed, a shuddering a deep sigh. "Many in our profession will never know, but you, my dear, have always been one to break the rules." Ai gulped as though terrified to ask:
"You know my father?" Megumi looked her straight in the eye and could not hold her gaze for the shame of keeping this secret. She whispered:
"You knew your father." Ai shook her head; what was Megumi talking about, she was raised in the Tea House, among women. The only man she ever knew was…like a deep wave from a black ocean, realisation crashed all around her. The girl's eyes widened, her heart stopped. Ai was not even aware that she was shaking her head.
"No." Ai whispered. "No it can't be!"
"Kai did not want to tell you-"
"It cannot be!" Ai stood from the bed and looked at Megumi as though she were mad. The hurt was unbearable; her father had been so close to her all these years? He had left her alone in that place?! Before she knew it, Ai was shouting her sorrows: "What kind of father spends half of your life with you and says nothing of his relation to you!? What kind of father would take his daughter to a whore house to be raised there?! TO BECOME A COURTESAN?!" Tears spilled over the brim of her eyes as she tried to regain breath after shouting. She was taking steps away from Megumi, walking backwards, wanting to be rid of the lies. Megumi beckoned her back and pleaded with her:
"There is more to it than that alone, Ai!" But the girl would not have it.
"Lies." AI whispered to herself. "This has to be, this is…." she looked up to Megumi with such a look of heartbreak that her teacher began to cry again. "This is not love. He is not a father."
"Ai, please, sit. There is more to this than even I understand." Ai jumped as the clock in the corner struck seven in the evening. Its chime echoed around the room like a deep boom, a wind whipped the windows and seemed to seep into the room, causing the chandelier to sway and creak as though ready to fall. Ai approached the bed and took a seat opposite her sensei, her brow furrowed in pain. Why was this happening now? She looked up as Megumi continued the story of Ai's origin.
"Kai came to the Tea House, a child in his arms, saying I must raise her outside of standard norms. He was a poet; a poor man, an artist, he had no way of keeping you safe." She looked at Ai as though that were reason enough to forgive him. "Your father sought your protection, from what, I still cannot say for he never told me; he simply instructed that you needed to be among royalty, among higher class shinobi, to be protected." Ai shook her head in disbelief, causing her teacher to lean forwards and put a hand on hers. "Please, try to understand. For women in this world there are only a few ways we can achieve this; either be born into royalty, be trained in ninjutsu or become a courtesan. Your father was not of royal blood and he strictly forbade you training in any shinobi skill. I was his friend of old and he remembered that the courtesan life is not a bad one. Yes, we are denied love, but we have everything else we could ever possibly ask for. It was the best decision he could make." Again, Megumi looked up at Ai as though begging her forgiveness for lying all these years. Ai simply kept her guard up, not wanting to give into the fantasy that her father may still be alive.
"I cannot believe you." Ai responded, looking away from her teacher. "What was he protecting me from?"
"He did not say."
"Then what use was he?" The girl became infuriated again but listened as her teacher spoke.
"I did as asked. I trained you for the most noble of men in existence; Kage, Princes, Kings…they would all bow down to your skill. And they have," Megumi smiled at her and brushed hair away from Ai's face as though this were somehow consolation enough. "And you have made a name for yourself across this world; you are safe. Wherever you go, someone will protect you."
"Relying on others for protection," Ai scoffed. "Is there no way out of this encroaching servitude?"
"Not for a courtesan, my dear." That was it, it answer to everything; not for a courtesan. Hot, angry tears seeped out of the corner of her eyes as she wiped them hurriedly.
"So he made no mention of my mother? The woman who bore me?" She asked quickly.
"You have none."
"How can that be true?" Enraged, Ai looked at Megumi who sighed. "This is absurd!"
"Kai was a man who found himself in the most unimaginable possibilities; he lived half in dreams, I cannot say if what he told me is true." These riddles as answers were becoming tiresome to Ai. She cocked her head at Megumi.
"What did he tell you?"
"He said you were the second half of his poem Love, come to life." Ai looked away. That was it? That was the best version of the truth her so-called "father" and Megumi could concoct? Her blue eyes flashed dangerously.
"He was a pathetic man." She whispered.
"He loved you!"
"So he lied to me for sixteen years and then abandoned me?! He knew full well he was raising his daughter to be a whore?!" Ai was disgusted, outraged, she preferred the idea of having no parents at all.
"I cannot say why, I cannot answer these questions. But he can, if you wish to ask him." Ai looked up in shock.
"What?"
"He told me; when she is called upon by the world, she will want to find me, when that day comes you must let her go. And here we are, with that day fast approaching on the horizon." The girl's eyes were dancing as Megumi spoke; the possibilities of her past, of her future, were so close to being knowable. "What do you want to do, Ai?" Silent seconds trickled by. The chandelier creaked above them, ready to unhinge.
"I do not know." Ai finally replied.
"Your father entrusted me with one last thing, to aid you on your journey to him." The young dancer turned to her aged teacher and watched as the woman pulled out, from her robes, a small white packet. Ai stared on in curiosity as Megumi pulled apart the paper which fell like white petals on to the bed, to reveal-
"Anklets?" Ai raised an eyebrow. "That is the costume of courtesans; what was he-"
"Have you ever noticed, Ai, that I forbid you from removing your anklets?" Her teacher interrupted her. "Have you never noticed that you sleep with thin chains that are irremovable?" Ai looked down to her feet, to her ankles and shook her head; she had never thought about it. Didn't all courtesans wear anklets all the time? "The day you arrived in my life, Kai brought you in wearing anklets. You were no more than a few weeks old. I cannot explain it, he did not give me answers; those remain with your father." Ai was no longer looking at her, perhaps she was no longer listening. She picked up the white packet from the bed and stared determinedly in front of her. "What will you do, Ai?" As Megumi spoke, Ai was already moving towards to door.
"I do not know." Ai whispered and at the door, she stopped.
"The legend of the blood-love runs deep in your fate, Ai." Megumi warned her. "It is a treacherous and heartbreaking love." Ai was about to leave when Megumi's dangerous tone of voice kept her back. "He is a jinchuuriki; Gaara is a murderer. Your love for him has driven you to perform ninjutsu; I have failed in carrying out your father's wishes." Megumi's voice cracked, her brow furrowed as she realised she had let down her friend, her very own first love. Ai took a breath.
"He is no father of mine."
The walk to the gardens passed her by for Ai was not in the right frame of mind. Her veil trailed untidily behind her, the white package hung limp in her hand as she walked between servants lighting candles in the hallways to welcome the evening. Before she knew it, Ai was walking into the gardens, the warmth of the night air around her, a breeze cooling her neck. Her white dress flowed like satin against the grass beneath her feet and the diamonds she wore tinkled in tune with water she could her splashing nearby. She was lit up by the glittering stones she wore, perhaps the fireflies though she was one of them for their golden light shimmered around her as she entered the garden.
In the corner of the gardens, the wood painted a pale lilac colour that looked white at dusk, was a large, octagonal pavilion. Hidden beneath low branches of a cherry tree, the Kazekage waited in twilight for her. Upon hearing her footsteps Gaara walked out to the entrance of the pavilion, a grand and ornate arch, and caught sight of her as she entered the garden. She was still dressed in white, glittering in diamonds, achingly beautiful. Was she crying?
Ai entered the gardens with a forlorn look; she felt empty, hollow, as though she needed to find something to fill her up. What was it she was looking for? She continued to walk towards the pavilion, desperately trying to make sense of what she had just been told.
"Ah," she gasped softly as a tear fell from her eyelashes and she caught sight of him. Gaara stood in his red cloak, his dark-rimmed eyes beckoning her into the darkness with him. The vision of him shocked her for she felt it, that pang of recognition, that flicker of want; what would console her now, is love. She walked towards him, her pace quickened, upon approaching she threw the packet in her hands onto the ground and found that she was running towards him.
"Ai, what-" Gaara could not finish his sentence for she threw her arms around him and kissed him, wanting desperately to feel again the way he made her feel; safe, loved, like she was a part of something. Tears rolled down her face as she felt him against her; his hands on her waist smoothing round to her back so he could take her in his arms. Gaara was everything she wanted, everything she needed and in that moment nothing could come between them. As she pulled away from their deep kiss, Gaara kept her in his embrace and kissed her softly a few times, savouring her softness, her delicateness, as though she were a Summer breeze about to leave him. he rested his forehead on hers and both realised their hands had found one another's and they clasped onto each other, their hands between their chests as though holding each other's hearts.
"What happened, Ai?" Gaara asked softly as Ai looked up at him, her bottom lip trembling, her brow furrowing.
"I learnt of something today…."
Unknown to the Kazekage, to his family or close friends even, talk of revolt, of overthrowing Gaara, was growing attractive to the power-hungry in Sunagakure. Little known to anyone in the village, those interested in mutiny were gathered, several floors below Gaara and Ai, in a secret chamber, only used during war time.
Seven men sat in the dank, half-lit basement room; around a large round table, similar to the one in the Kazekage's palace. All came with the same dark intent that flooded the room, the same terrible conviction; Gaara was to be overthrown in the next few months.
"I am sure many of you are now familiar with the company he keeps?" One man, aged, a voice that sounded like butter being scraped against dry bread, spoke up. Murmurs rippled across the table.
"A whore." One voice piped up as others nodded.
"A girl of the Tea House," another added. The elderly man put his hand up to signal a call for silence.
"Gaara has not proven himself; he is a reckless and over-ambitious leader who does not have the age, wisdom or even sanity to see our village re-established." Shouts of agreement echoed across the table. "It is entirely fitting that a man who killed for pleasure, who seeks the company of royalty over shinobi, should attach himself to no more than a whore."
"He is young and will ruin us with his rebellious nature!" The old man nodded as another member of the revolt shouted across the table.
"Indeed," the man sighed, "he will bring ruination to our village, all we need to do is show the village what kind of person he is and they will call upon us, the elders, to overthrow him." Everyone around the table nodded.
"But the opinion in the village is one of support; seeing Gaara with this girl, even though she is a courtesan, they believe he has a loving side!" Gasps of disbelief and mutters of disgust came in response. "They believe she can change him! She has a reputation among the village for being kind and gentle, she is the key to his current success." Again, the elder put up his hand to bring the babbling rabble back to silence.
"Then we must pull them apart, destroy their relationship; let us ruin him by taking her away and watch his self-destruction." These remarks were met by applause which was silenced by one sentence uttered at the doorway:
"Perhaps I can be of some service." Out of the shadows, like a flower being guided to sunlight, Miho slinked to join the revolt.
"And?" Gaara asked. He and Ai were sat on the marble floor of the pavilion; her white veil caught on the breeze was swirling around them as though to protect their private conversation from the world outside. The sky was dark now, they had been speaking for hours.
"And what?" Ai asked, wiping her eyes. She knelt before the Kazekage who leant against a wooden pillar, on knee bought up to his chest.
"What will you do?" He asked, unsure of what to say; he had never known his parents and what he knew of them was hurtful, who was he to advise her? Perhaps this was important, perhaps if the tables were turned she would tell him to go out into the world and search for his lost parent.
"I do not know," Ai whispered back, her hair was falling lose of the clips that held it away from her face so she unclipped her hair entirely and let it fall like dark waves of the night, down to her hips. "I do not know where there is a place for me, in this world." Gaara did not know what to say; with all his heart he wanted her here with him, always, but how could he deny her freedom?
"Find it, Ai." He said through gritted teeth and leant forwards. He took her hands in his and kissed the scar he had made there earlier.
"You think I should go?" Her bottom lip quivered.
"I think you should seek happiness." Ai let go of his hands in a huff. "What is the matter?" He asked.
"Do I have no place here?" She asked and turned away. The Kazekage sighed and ran a hand through his hair before, in his usual act of affection for her, he put his hand in her hair and pulled at it so she turned to face him. "Ah!"
"Do not assume so much of me is your enemy, Ai." He whispered in that dangerous, seductive manner he had mastered. Her glittering eyes softened as he looked at her so intently. "You always have a place, right…" He planted a soft, torturous kiss on her bottom lip, "here." Gaara pulled away from her and she smiled.
"I-"
"Kazkeage-sama!" The pair jumped and bumped heads as, yet again, they were discovered. Gaara jumped to his feet and stood protectively in front of Ai.
"What is it?" He asked the servant boy who had clearly come running in haste.
"The village is under attack." Ai gasped and put a hand on Gaara's shoulder.
"Who is it?" The Kazekage commanded but was already forming battle plans in his head.
"The Akatsuki; they entered the village on a giant white bird."
"Give word to Kankuro; prepare troops for aerial combat, evacuate the centre." Gaara instructed before the boy even had time to finish.
"Yes, Kazekage-sama!" The servant bowed and ran from the gardens. Gaara turned back to Ai.
"I have to go." As he spoke, Ai nodded. Gaara put his hands on both sides of her face and kissed her.
"Be safe," Ai whispered and put her hand against his on her cheek. As he let her go she remained holding onto his hand until it was physically impossible to do so and he had to part from her. As Gaara jumped onto sand he summoned from the garden and Ai watched him ascend to meet the enemy, her eye caught the sparkle of the anklets she had dropped earlier.
Her futures were unfolding in front of her, forcing her to make a choice. What choice should she make?