Where can my tired soul wander to, to find my lost innocence? My lost dreams? My lost childhood?
Where has disappeared the warmth in which I made myself a home?
Where will I find again a friend, a family…love?
Did I ever find my purpose? Was I ever needed?
Was I ever wanted?
I am no longer the man I was.
Was that not enough…to save me from this end?
Ai.
Why are you so far away?
"Gaara?" someone breathed his name as the young Kazekage opened his eyes and came across a familiar and foreboding sight. Towering above him, leaning over the young shinobi, glaring at him as though it had never seen a man before, a racoon-like beast with a painted face, stood, observant, unnaturally quiet.
Is that my name? Thoughts came so numbingly slow, tumbling over each other in his disoriented state. The Kazekage could not feel the tips of his fingers, nor the ground beneath him. His vision was blurred, causing him to blink and even that seemed to take all the energy he had. The beast breathed a heavy sigh upon realising the boy was finding it hard to adjust to this place. As Shukaku's breath ruffled the hair on Gaara's head, some sense of existing came back to the man. As in the moments before you wake from sleep, a heaviness returned to Gaara and he became aware of his own body.
Slowly, he held out his hand to the beast as though beckoning it. But as he raised his limb limply, he glanced at fingertips, as they stretched towards the light. Is that…my hand? He could feel himself beginning to breathe a little easier. But who exactly was I?…No, who am I? The beast beyond his hand came back into focus and slowly, unsteadily, Gaara sat up. The Biju above him moved back to give him some room. As the Kazekage raised himself, all notion of existence, of time and space, were forgotten.
What…what is this place? Looking around him all Gaara could see was nothingness. Empty and infinite, white and luminous, a vacuum containing only him and this monster. Nothingness. As far as the eye could see.
Nothingness. The Kazekage winced, a weakness ran through his whole body and his legs shook as he struggled to stand. As he did so, he heard the clanking of a chain. Looking to the floor he saw the thick, grey links of a chain, rusted and worn out. He followed it with his eyes from where it tied around his foot, to where it snaked along the floor and up into the air, to rest, locked in place, around a collar on the beast. The chain was flaking with rust, wearing away.
"We are before the gates." Shukaku spoke suddenly and Gaara turned his head to look around for any sign of a gate. But as he looked out into that white, luminous plane, a feeling of remembrance came back to him.
I should not be here, Gaara's thoughts were echoing around him; I was…doing something. It felt like trying to piece back together a puzzle that he only had half the pieces for. His mind was fuzzy, his memory hazy…he was doing something, going somewhere, to speak to someone, to tell them something important, what was it? What was it?
"This is the end, Gaara." Again, the beast spoke and caught the jinchuriki's attention. I was Gaara once…before you…What were these memories? Shades of black, blue and red…enemies? Lovers? Gaara cleared his head and glanced up at Shukaku.
"The end of us?" Boy and beast stood, side by side, looking out into the blank void before them as flakes of rust from the chain were caught on an unknown breeze and floated away.
"The end of you, the end of I." Shukaku's voice boomed into the infinite plane. "What is the difference? We are one and the same." Gaara's brow furrowed.
No…someone showed me that's not true. Like a bolt of lightening, something struck inside of Gaara's mind and he shot a look of panic and realisation at Shukaku. Gaara opened his mouth to speak.
"At least," the monster interrupted whatever the boy was going to say, "that's what I used to think." "Before you found a bigger purpose, before you realised you could gain recognition from your peers, your village and your elders. Before you met that moonbeam of yours." The one-tails began to laugh with nostalgia. "She really spoke nohingo beautifully, didn't she? It sounded like a lullaby to me!" A vision of blue eyes floated into Gaara's head, something beautiful, something far away. He knew someone like that once, didn't he? Now your blood beats through my aching heart.
"She?" He asked.
"That poets dream, that summer rose, that girl from which all loveliness flows!" Shukaku let out a booming laugh which echoed in the boy's head. "Have you so easily forgotten the girl who would whisper to you and I in the dead of night, to calm our arguments, to appease our appetites? She, who acknowledged the division between us?" Gaara looked out into the nothingness. There, he saw her.
"Ai."
***
"Ai?" Kankuro spoke suddenly as he realised the dancer's attention was no longer on him. Ai had looked over suddenly to the doorway as though she were expecting someone to walk in. "Ai?" The girl's dark hair fell off her shoulders as she turned to see Kankuro staring at her with a bemused look.
"I apologise, Kankuro-san," Ai bowed her head quickly, "I thought I heard someone say my name." Standing from her chair, the girl retrieved a wet towel from a small bowl to dab Kankuro's head. "What is it you were saying?"
"You were the one talking, Ai." The girl paused with the towel dangling precariously in her hand and above Kankuro's head, she looked straight at the man and frowned.
"Was I?"
"Maybe you are the one who needs the hospital bed…?" Kankuro asked kindly but Ai seemed to be lost. Again, she looked to the door.
"I apologise; I have been a little out of sorts lately." She kept her eyes fixed on the door for a few moments longer before turning back to Kankuro and dabbing his head with the wet cloth. The two were in the sickbay, Ai was tending to Kankuro's recovery and offering him some company in the late afternoon.
Sakura, from the Leaf Village, had saved Kankuro's life following his battle with a member of the Akatsuki. All shinobi were then briefed for the rescue mission and left, with the Konoha shinobi, last night. Now, the palace seemed empty and Kankuro's usually cheery demeanour had faded. The reality of the situation was beginning to sink into the bones of the palace's inhabitants.
In the emptiness of the Kazekage's absence, Ai had snuck away to visit Kankuro, almost hoping for sanctuary in his kind words. But as they contemplated the situation, in that cold, overly disinfected hospital room, beneath that horrible white light, no one could find peace.
"Do you," Kankuro spoke up in the uncomfortable silence, his usually painted face now bare and coloured grey with fatigue. He cleared his throat, "do you feel any different?" Ai continued to dab his forehead, calmly, as though it were a delicate procedure, before she brought the white cloth back over the water bowl and wrung it out. As the water trickled out of the towel with that soothing, pitter-patter sound, Kankuro interrupted its calm. "Do you feel-" Ai threw the towel into the bowl.
"What nonsense are you asking me?" Ai turned to him sharply and Kankuro almost cowered as she raised her voice. Water had splashed out of the bowl, all over the table it was placed on.
"Ai-"
"Why should I feel any different?" Ai pulled her veil over her head haughtily. "What are you asking?" She muttered under her breath as though she didn't want to hear it.
"He is my little brother." The corner of her vision began to blur as Kankuro spoke hoarsely. "I feel different when he is in a meeting, when he is training genin, when he is travelling…" Ai gasped and knelt by the bed as Kankuro winced through angry tears as though frustrated with himself. "I don't feel him here anymore." As Ai closed her eyes, a tear rolled down her cheek, she grasped Kankuro's hand. "You," the boy gasped, "you are a part of him." Never before had Kankuro let emotion get the better of him; not when his mother passed away, he hadn't even reacted when he discovered his father died. But Gaara seemed to come into his life much later; the real, true Gaara, not controlled by murderous intent. Now, to lose his little brother; It was something unbearable. "I saw you in every decision he made; he chose to eat in the gardens per chance he could catch a glimpse of you walking by. He demanded we throw out all playing cards from the palace after quarrelling with you." Kankuro grasped Ai's hand tightly as they looked at one another. "Ai, where is my little brother?" Ai bowed her head as tears seeped from her eyes.
The sound of footsteps fell into the room and Ai quickly wiped her tears before standing. With what little strength he hand, Kankuro wiped his eyes hurriedly. Ai turned to the door to leave and bowed her head as Temari entered to the room. Ai kept her eyes cast downwards as she passed Temari, still very much ashamed of her scolding from the blonde shinobi the last time they met.
"Are you leaving?" Ai stopped dead in the doorway, her eyes widened with shock at being addressed so casually by Temari. She turned slowly but kept her gaze on the floor.
"I am sure you have much to discuss, Temari-sama." As Ai spoke, Kankuro shot a dangerous look at his sister; protective and aggressive, Kankuro was not in favour of seeing Ai mistreated.
"What do I do, Ai?" Temari's voice, usually so strong, so defiant, now sounded like the frail and timid voice of a frightened child. Ai glanced up to see Temari with one hand on her hip, her face in her other hand, taken short, rapid breaths. "We told him not to see you and he could see nothing else. We told him to forget you but you were all he thought about. We told him not to go to you and he ran." Her face flushed pink, her bottom lip trembled. "Why won't he come now?" Temari turned to Ai, her eyes pleading. "Why is he still not listening to me?" Ai ran forwards and embraced Temari.
They stood there a while, Temari crying on Ai's shoulder, clutching at her dress, trying to relieve some of this agony. After some time, they sat on chairs beside Kankuro's bed, in silence, wondering why Gaara could no longer hear their pleas for his safe return.
***
Gaara blinked into the whiteness as he saw the figure of a girl on the horizon. He took an unsteady step towards her and marvelled at the new sensation of feeling he acquired in his legs as he used them. He looked down to his legs and took another step, watching as the chain around his ankle began to fade away.
"Gaara?" The boy looked up to Shukaku, whose outline was turning into a greenish, blueish hue, his true colours fading, his presence dissolving.
Yes? Gaara thought, his body too weak to let him speak. The beast looked down to Gaara, almost with affection.
"I return now." As the biju spoke, Gaara nodded. Shukaku and Gaara stared at each other with mutual understanding; what do you say to someone who was shackled to you without consent? "Goodbye."
Goodbye, Shukaku. The beast began to fade completely, leaving Gaara alone in this desolate place.
The Kazekage turned back to the figure he had spotted on the horizon. She was making her way to him, hesitantly, stopping occasionally and looking back as though wondering if she were walking in the right direction. Bathed in a golden light, like the vision of a goddess, she approached.
Gaara gasped upon glancing at her face; she looked so different, so beautiful, older even! Wrapped in colours of white and gold, her usual gemstone jewellery replaced with thick gold bands; she looked like an empress. Her usually natural and doll-like face was painted differently, a slick lick of black lined her eyes as she fluttered her eyelashes at him. Even her hair was different, it fell in sweet ringlets around her face and was held back by a golden tiara. Red velvety lips curved into a soft smile as she approached him in that usual seductive manner.
"Who is it you ask for, stranger?" She enquired sweetly.
Ai, Gaara thought, must you play your foolish games at a time like this? The young Kazekage almost fell to his knees when she smiled at him mischievously.
"I must!" She protested, her smile turning into a smirk. The boy watched as her blue eyes sparkled silver with mischief. "Who is it you are asking for?" Gaara, so tired, so longing to hold her in his arms, to sleep in her embrace, smiled.
A girl. Ai raised her eye brows in mock-surprise.
"Oh!" She exclaimed and folded her arms. "Describe her to me." The girl demanded and tilted her head to indicate that she was waiting to hear him speak; her raindrop shaped earrings tinkled as she did so. "Ah!" She gasped as Gaara took a step towards her. The roguish Kazekage looked her in the eye and there was something beckoning, welcoming, dangerous in his stare that made Ai's arms unfold in surrender. With another step forwards, Gaara put a finger beneath her chin and tilted her face towards him. He watched with a sense of nostalgia, as that smirk was wiped off her face.
I look for the girl who hides herself in cherry blossom, only to be revealed in the sweetness of its fragrance. The one who whispers in melody, who flirts with light and flits between shadows. Ai pushed his finger away from her but he grabbed her wrist as she did so and brought her closer. My dusk, my night, my universe. The one so beautiful I crafted her into poetry and wore her. The Kazekage lifted his free hand and indicated the kanji on his forehead. Ai tried to wriggle free but his intense stare paralysed her; her expression was fearful, disbelieving. My declaration of belief-
"Belief?" Ai breathed
In miracles. Gaara tilted her face towards him once more and leant in until he were a mere inch from her. How else would one explain moonlight in the day? Gaara released her. That moonlike girl glanced at him coyly and smiled in a 'come-hither' manner, before biting her lip and taking another step back.
Gaara was smiling faintly as Ai slinked away from him mischievously. Where are you going?
"Somewhere you can't follow!" She breathed as Gaara shook his head at her. With what little energy remained, he let out an airy laugh.
***
"Ah," Ai awoke with a slight start, with the feeling that someone was around her. On Earthly planes, the young courtesan had been drifting deep in slumber, only to be woken by a sound so familiar, but she could not quite place it.
From under white silk sheets, Ai emerged, sat up and glanced around. She was in her room in the palace, this was the third time she had slept there. White net curtains were draped around the bed and obscured her view of the room around her. Gently she parted the drapes with her slender finger tips and pulled them back. Her blue eyes sparkled in the moonlight as she looked out to her balcony.
"Hello? Is someone there?" She asked, wondering if she had in fact seen a shadow move on her balcony, or if it had just been a cloud passing over the moon. Pulling the curtains back, Ai stood from the bed, reached over for the lantern that was lit on a table next to her. Holding the base of the oil lamp, Ai placed a shawl on her shoulders and walked through the balcony doors, into the nighttime.
From the balcony she blinked, sleepily, at the world around her. Her face illuminated by the soft glow from the lantern, she searched the gardens for any sign of him. Her soft waves of hair swaying around her.
"Ai?" Megumi called to her from a window nearby but the girl did not look around, she was focussed on the world beyond the palace. "What are you doing?"
"I heard someone laughing…" Ai answered dreamily.
"At this time of the morning? The sun is about to rise. You must be mistaken," the elder assured her, "ready yourself for prayers and come quickly."
"Yes," Ai nodded slowly and turned back to her room. "Mistaken."
***
I cannot follow you, Ai. Gaara protested but Ai, who was slowly disappearing from view away now, called back to him.
"What's that in your pocket?" As she spoke, Gaara's brow furrowed, he seemed to become aware of a weight in his pocket. Looking down he was surprised to see the red cotton of his civilian robes. He placed his hand into his pocket uncertainly and clasped hold of a large silver pendant. From his pocket, he lifted out a broken pearl necklace. Pearls fell free of the chain and scattered onto the floor.
***
Ai's veil fell from her head as a breeze rushed in out of nowhere, into the temple, blowing out a few candles in the room. Ai turned from the shrine to look towards the doors.
"Ai?" Megumi did not move her sight from the shrine in front of her but noticed her student's movement. Ai had turned away in the middle of prayers. "Ai?" The elder courtesan felt the fabric of her student's dress as Ai turned back to face the shrine.
"Excuse me, Megumi-sama, I thought I heard…" What is it she had heard? Such a familiar sound…What was that? Ai wondered to herself as women around the room began to relight the candles that the cruel wind had snuffed out.
Ai bowed her head as her teacher lit the incense on the low table in front of them. The two were sat at the front the morning prayer ceremony in the palace's main temple. The room, a sandy stone room full of golden light from hanging candles and lanterns lining the wall, was full of women of the Tea House. In all shades of the rainbow, bathed in golden light, they sat on the floor in rows before the shrine.
An eight foot tall statue of Raijin stood impressively at the centre of the shrine, that rich reddish brown stone, found in caverns beyond the dessert, was carved into the god's stately figure. Intricate, ornate, glowing as though light came from him, Raijin towered above the smaller gods that sat either side of him. The room was hot, filling with the scent of sandalwood, spicy and rich, from the incense and trays of flowers that lay about the place. Megumi continued the prayer, reciting from scriptures in the dead language, the women behind her sang softly as temple bells chimed above them. Ai kept her gaze down on the scripture in front of her, reciting under her breath.
On heavenly planes her lover stood, beckoning her.
Gaara tried to catch as many of the pearls as possible but they bounced all around him and seemed to fall over the edge of the whiteness that surrounded him. He looked up, hoping to see Ai laughing at his clumsiness, but to his dismay, she was not there. Hi brow furrowed.
Ai?
"If you are inattentive, Ai, you may retire from morning prayers." Megumi said haughtily as, yet again, her student had turned away from the shrine. Was she looking to the doors?
"Apologies," Ai said feebly and turned her attention back to her recitation.
Ai's chest felt heavy, her wrists weak; was she losing sight of what was real? I know I can hear you, Gaara, she thought before closing her eyes tightly as though wanting to be rid of the sound of his voice. Am I going mad?
Ai stood as the other women did, following Megumi's lead. The girl's white skirt lifted up as she stood, the thick red border licked the floor gently as the skirt swayed. Simply dressed, a blouse of white with that same red border, Ai was dressed like any other village girl. All that would give her away were the thin strands of gold that she had tied around each of her ankles.
As the temple bells tinkled, so did the jewellery of the dancers as they all moved around the room to place flowers, light candles and pay respects to the deities. Ai picked up a tray of flowers and stood with many women of the Tea House, Megumi and Miho included, and threw blossoms softly into the small bath of water at the front of the shrine. Ai's blank expression did not go unnoticed by her peers.
Gaara looked around for that moonbeam but she had disappeared. No, he could not face the end like this. Not alone. Not without her.
Ai, please come back!
In the palace temple, the sound of a silver tray clattering against the stone floor, echoed around the room. The red blossoms were swept up on the breeze and all in the room watched with rising alarm, as their youngest dancer turned, wide-eyed, with a panicked expression, to the doors. He was there. He was calling her.
Gaara!
"Ai!" Megumi shouted and moved towards her. "Have you lost your mind?"
"I…." but the girl did not know what to say. Why is this happening?
"What exactly-?"
"I heard laughter at daybreak." Ai interrupted her teacher who merely shrugged.
"Just your imagination getting the better of you." Megumi said wisely. No! Why don't they understand?
"His voice-"
"Whose voice?" Megumi's expression turned dark as Ai began to raise her voice, as she began to gesture towards the doors and look around at everyone as thought pleading.
"The pearls of a broken necklace!" Ai protested as though that explained everything.
"What necklace?!"
"The one that scarred me here!" Ai lifted her hand to her forehead, her fingers were trembling, her eyes were burning with tears. Am I going mad?
Where are you, Ai?
"Gaara!" Ai looked to the doors and tore from the room in an instant. Like startled birds, the women fluttered out of her way as she exited the temple with haste. Her white and red veil had fallen from her head but clung to her shoulder and dragged on the floor behind her.
"Ai!" Frantic shouting tried to call her back but Ai was already out in the first rays of sunshine, running along the walkway that lined each palace floor.
I know I can hear you. She thought determinedly as she took the stairs that lead into the gardens. I know it is you, Gaara.
Her feet fell hard on the marble as she ran, in silk slippers, through the palace. Only he was in her thoughts; he was calling her, she had to go to him! Where are you, Gaara? Her heart was pounding fit to burst, her anklets almost unhooked as she ran. Faster and faster. Give me some sign Gaara.
Ai, please don't leave me here. Gaara fell to his knees and pleaded with her.
Hot, full tears ran down Ai's face and she tried to wipe them away to see where she was going. I'm coming, Gaara, I won't leave you alone.
There! In the distance, beyond the Kazekage's balcony, was a white shimmering light. How could she explain it? How could anyone?
"Ai, stop!" Palace officials called for her as her veil unwrapped itself from her and was dragged away on a breeze and into the palace gardens. She did not stop, she could not even hear this world anymore.
Just one more minute. One more minute and I swear to remember every feature of your face, the way you smile, the way you breathe…just another moment to remember you. His face screwed up with the pain of realising this was it. Gaara's knuckles turned white as his fingers dug into his knees. This was the end. Ai, why are you so far away?
No, Gaara, I'm a few steps from you. Ai pushed open the doors of the Kazekage's chambers and almost tumbled into the room. Don't give up. Don't give up!
"Ah!" Ai almost cried out in the pain of grief, for as she looked for that shimmering light it was no more. The room was dark. Empty.
Ai. How will you ever know…?
She fell to her knees. How will you ever know…?
That I'm in love with you?
That I'm in love with you?