"SEX! Now that I have your attention. . . . " Two-bit comics have
been using that gag from the days when two bits bought a
foursquare meal. However, big winners know there's a three-letter
word more potent then SEX to get people's attention. That word
is YOU.
Why is you such a powerful word? Because when we were
infants, we thought we were the center of the universe. Nothing
mattered but ME, MYSELF, and I. The rest of the shadowy forms
stirring about us (which we later learned were other people) existed
solely for what they could do for us. Self-centered little tykes that
we were, our tiny brains translated every action, every word, into,
"How does that affect ME?"
Big winners know we haven't changed a bit. Adults camouflage
their self-centeredness under a mask of civilization and politeness.
Yet the human brain still immediately, instinctively, and unfailingly
translates everything into terms of "How does that affect ME?"
For example, suppose, gentlemen, you want to ask a colleague,
Jill, if she would like to join you for dinner. So you say to her,
"There's a really good new Indian restaurant in town. Will you
join me there for dinner tonight?"
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Before answering, Jill is thinking to herself, "By 'good' does
he mean the food or the atmosphere or both?" Her reverie continues, "Indian cuisine, I'm not sure. He says it's good. However,
will I like it?" While thinking, Jill hesitates. You probably take her
hesitation personally, and the joy of the exchange diminishes.
Suppose, instead, you had said to her, "Jill, you will really love
this new Indian restaurant. Will you join me there this evening
for dinner?" Phrasing it that way, you've already subliminally
answered Jill's questions and she's more apt to give you a quick
"yes."
The pleasure-pain principle is a guiding force in life. Psychologists tell us everyone automatically gravitates toward that
which is pleasurable and pulls away from that which is painful.
For many people, thinking is painful.
So big winners (when they wish to control, inspire, be loved by,
sell to people, or get them to go to dinner) do the thinking for them.
They translate everything into the other person's terms by starting
as many sentences as they can with that powerful little three-letter
word, you. Thus, I call the technique "Comm-YOU-nication."
Comm-YOU-nicate When You
Want a Favor
Putting you first gets a much better response, especially when
you're asking a favor, because it pushes the asker's pride button.
Suppose you want to take a long weekend. You decide to ask your
boss if you can take Friday off. Which request do you think he or
she is going to react to more positively? "Can I take Friday off,
Boss?" Or this one: "Boss, can you do without me Friday?"
In the first case, Boss had to translate your "Can I take Friday
off?" into "Can I do without this employee Friday?" That's an extra
thought process. (And you know how some bosses hate to think!)
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However, in the second case, "Boss, can you do without me
Friday," you did Boss's thinking for her. Your new wording made
managing without you a matter of pride for Boss. "Of course," she
said to herself. "I can manage without your help Friday."
Comm-YOU-nicate Your Compliments
Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation. Gentlemen, say a lady likes your suit. Which woman gives you warmer
feelings? The woman who says, "I like your suit." Or the one who
says, "You look great in that suit."
Big players who make business presentations use CommYOU-nication to excellent advantage. Suppose you're giving a talk
and a participant asks a question. He likes to hear you say, "That's
a good question." However, consider how much better he feels
when you tell him, "You've asked a good question."
Salespeople, don't just tell your prospects, "It's important that
. . . . " Convince them by informing them, "You'll see the importance of. . . . "
When negotiating, instead of, "The result will be . . . " let
them know, "You'll see the result when you. . . ."
Starting sentences with you even works when talking to
strangers on the street. Once, driving around San Francisco hopelessly lost, I asked people walking along the sidewalk how to get
to the Golden Gate Bridge. I stopped a couple trudging up a hill.
"Excuse me," I called out the window, "I can't find the Golden
Gate Bridge." The pair looked at each other and shrugged with
that "How stupid can these tourists get" look on their faces. "That
direction," the husband mumbled, pointing straight ahead.
Still lost, I called out to the next couple I encountered.
"Excuse me, where's the Golden Gate Bridge?" Without smiling,
they pointed in the opposite direction.
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Then I decided to try Comm-YOU-nication. When I came
upon the next strolling couple, I called out the window, "Excuse
me, could you tell me where the Golden Gate Bridge is?"
"Of course," they said, answering my question literally. You
see, by phrasing the question that way, it was a subtle challenge. I
was asking, in essence, "Are you able to give me directions?" This
hits them in the pride button. They walked over to my car and
gave me explicit instructions.
"Hey," I thought. "This you stuff really works." To test my
hypothesis, I tried it a few more times. I kept asking passersby my
three forms of the question. Sure enough, whenever I asked,
"Could you tell me where . . ." people were more pleasant and helpful than when I started the question with I or where.