Tigers prowl with tigers; lions lurk with lions; and little alley cats
scramble around with other little alley cats. Similarity breeds
attraction. But in the human jungle, big cats know a secret. When
you delay revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, it has
much more punch. Above all, you don't want to sound anxious to
have rapport.
Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience, instead of jumping in with a breathless, "Hey, me, too! I do
that, too" or "I know all about that," let your conversation partner enjoy talking about it. Let her go on about the country club
before you tell her you're a member, too. Let him go on analyzing
the golf swing of Arnold Palmer before you start casually comparing the swings of golf greats Greg, Jack, Tiger, and Arnie. Let
her tell you how many tennis games she's won before you just happen to mention your USTA ranking.
Several years ago, I was telling a new acquaintance how much
I love to ski. He listened with interest as I indulged in a detailed
travelogue of places I'd skied. I raved about the various resorts. I
analyzed the various conditions. I discussed artificial versus natural snow. It wasn't until near the end of my monologue that I
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How to Not Sound
Anxious (Let Them
Discover Your Similarity)
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finally had the sense to ask my new acquaintance if he skied. He
replied, "Yes, I keep a little apartment in Aspen."
Cool! If he'd jumped in and told me about his ski pad right
after I first told him how much I liked skiing, I'd have been
impressed. Mildly. However, waiting until the end of our conversation—and then revealing he was such an avid skier that he kept
an Aspen ski pad—made it unforgettable.
Here's the technique I call "Kill the Quick 'Me, Too!'" Whenever people mention an activity or interest you share, let them
enjoy discussing their passion. Then, when the time is right, casually mention you share their interest.
Oh, I Must Have Been Boring You
I waited weeks for the opportunity to try it out. Finally the
moment presented itself at a convention. A new contact began
telling me about her recent trip to Washington, D.C. (She had no
idea that Washington was where I grew up.) She told me all about
the Capitol, the Washington Monument, the Kennedy Center, and
how she and her husband went bicycling in Rock Creek Park.
(Momentarily I forgot I was keeping my mouth shut to practice
my new technique. I was genuinely enjoying hearing about these
familiar sights from a visitor's perspective.)
I asked her where she stayed, where she dined, and if she had
a chance to get into any of the beautiful Maryland or Virginia suburbs. At one point, obviously pleased by my interest in her trip,
she said, "You sound like you know a lot about Washington."
"Yes," I replied. "It's my hometown, but I haven't been back
there in ages."
"Your hometown!" she squealed. "My goodness, why didn't
you tell me? I must have been boring you."
"Oh, not at all," I replied honestly. "I was enjoying hearing
about your trip so much, I was afraid you'd stop if I told you." Her
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big smile and barely audible "Oh gosh" let me know I had won a
new friend.
When someone starts telling you about an activity he has
done, a trip she has made, a club he belongs to, an interest she
has—anything that you share—bite your tongue. Let the teller
relish his or her own monologue. Relax and enjoy it, too, secretly
knowing how much pleasure your conversation partner will have
when you reveal you share the same experience. Then, when the
moment is ripe, casually disclose your similarity. And be sure to
mention how much you enjoyed hearing about his or her shared
interest