I came to it at the feel of hot water against my skin. It wasn't scalding, but it was enough to jolt me into alertness.
"Sshhh… you're okay," a voice whispered, lips pressed against my ear.
I relaxed as the voice registered and I felt heat surge through me when I was reminded of the last thing I saw before everything went black.
The awe. The satisfaction. The pure unadulterated desire. It was in his eyes as he watched me come upon the seams at a flick of his thumb.
I swallowed hard, pressing my thighs together as I felt the steady arousal that lingered in my system. It didn't help that his cock was pressed against my back, hard and hotter than the fucking water.
"Hi there," Rick whispered, his lips brushing against my shoulder.
I held back a shiver at the feel of his breath on my skin. I cleared my throat forcefully and sat up, intending to move away from him but he kept me in place.
"You look embarrassed."
I glared at him from the corner of my eye as he rested the side of his head against my shoulder, a smug grin etched on his lips.
"You look proud of yourself," I fired back, splashing him with water.
He chuckled, nuzzling against my neck and I tried not to let such a simple act affect me. Christ, I was acting like a hormonal virgin.
"I was only trying to calm you. You passing out on me wasn't part of the plan," he said, humor apparent in his voice.
I scoffed. "It's called fatigue and famine."
His humor immediately vanished. He was frowning, eyeing me in concern.
"I don't want to offend you but... why don't you eat?"
I pursed my lips as I wrapped my arms around my abdomen, feeling a sudden discomfort. Mother always reminded me when I was young, and whenever she could, that I had to be mindful of my weight and my face.
'If you're going to be a bâtarde, at least be a pretty one,' she had once said.
When I was still a little girl and we would eat our meals at the dinner table together, she would always tell my nanny to take away my plate after exactly ten bites from it. As I entered adolescence, it became five bites every meal. If I ate more, Mother would scold me, calling me greedy, fat, and ugly. She often pinched my arm and stretched it, telling me to lose what she could hold.
And then, I settled on a pattern. I stopped eating. It was better not to eat than to put a spoon to my mouth and listen to her go on and on about how disgusting my stomach was whenever I sat and how ugly my arms looked whenever I wore a dress.
On my eighteenth birthday, she had sent a dress for me with a note saying, "This is you."
I didn't get that cryptic message then but as the years passed, party after party, dress after dress, I realized what she had meant. My size. It was a silent order. Telling me not to be larger than I was. Less is more, after all.
I felt Rick grasp my chin, tilting my head to look at him.
"Tell me."
Two simple words asking for so much.
I averted my eyes. "I'm useless without my looks."
"Who the hell told you that?"
"It's true, isn't it?" I chuckled humorlessly. "I mean, you wouldn't have spared me a glance if I don't look the way I do."
He sighed, placing his hands on my hips and turning me to face him. We both inhaled a sharp breath when his cock nestled between my thighs, literally pressed against my pussy.
"Uh..."
I cleared my throat, sneaking a glance at his hard member prominently standing between us. It looked like it hurt.
"I don't fuck without a condom," I said slowly.
He laughed out loud, throwing his head back as his upper body shook at each deep laugh. I bit my lip, watching him holler like an idiot. Did he think unprotected sex was a joke? I knew I wasn't the most rule abiding citizen but I still had limits. Unprotected sex was one of those.
The life of a bastard in the Lastor family was not an easy one and I was the only one so far to have been granted legitimacy and all the luxuries a true heir was offered, but just because I was acknowledged didn't mean any bastard of mine would be.
"Sorry," Rick said once his laughter subsided.
My brows creased. "For laughing?" I said in confusion. He nodded. "Don't be. I liked it. Making you laugh. Even though you seemed to have been laughing at me," I said, pinching his nose.
He grinned and I grinned back. And then we were grinning at each other like fools.
"You're genuine," he suddenly said.
I frowned but he merely returned it with a smile as he tucked my hair behind my ears.
"The first time I laid eyes on you, I was too captivated by your passion manifesting itself through your music to notice your looks. Everything that you feel is so... pure. You always hide what you feel, but when you do show it... it's so..." He trailed off, his eyes meeting mine. "Mesmerizing," he whispered. "It's a beautiful thing to see. Your heart."
I frowned at that. "It's not. It's-"
"Broken, I know," he murmured, his hand dropping to the center of my chest where my heart beat underneath. "Doesn't mean it's not there. The broken ones have gone through the worst kind of loving. It means when you love, you do it with no condition. You'll do anything. You'll accept anything. Even if it means accepting the pain too." He tapped a finger on my chest before bringing his eyes to mine, smiling brightly. "I'm going to make this mine and when I have it, I'll make it whole again."
For a moment, I just stared at him, his words lingering inside my head and when I finally broke it down and pulled out the bluntness of what he meant, I felt the fear that I always felt when I knew what he was trying to do. He was trying to save me again.
"I should go."
"You mean run away?"
I shook my head, ignoring the frown on his face and placing a soft kiss on his lips.
"I gotta take care of Stella. Make sure she's safe."
"You're calling it off?"
I shrugged. "I shouldn't have let my anger cloud my judgment. Stella hasn't done anything but make my brother happy and I don't want the blood of an innocent on my hands."
"You're doing the right thing," he murmured, bringing a lock of my hair to his lips. "Thank you."
I rolled my eyes. "I'm still gonna kick my brother's ass for making you sign the fucking NDA."
He sighed, cupping my cheeks with both hands. "Whatever you're hiding, no matter how awful it might be, I won't leave. I know you feel it too, this thing between us. Stop fighting it because I'm done trying to."
I shook my head, roaming my eyes over his face. "I can't make you happy, Rick. I can't make you smile. I can't make you laugh. I can't do anything right. I'm toxic."
"Then I'll make you happy. I'll make you smile. I'll make you laugh. I'll do everything right. I'll make you better."
A weak laugh escaped me. "That's martyrdom at its finest."
He sighed, closing his eyes as he nuzzled his nose against mine. "You have me, Angel. I'm yours."
What the fuck?
He opened his eyes and so much showed in those blue pair. So much that I feared. So much that I wanted. So much that I had no clue what to do with.
"You have no fucking idea how much I want you," I whispered, pulling away. "But I can't let myself have you. It's selfish."
His eyes faltered and his hands slid to the back of my head, holding me in place.
"Don't deprive yourself of something good just because you're scared. Give me a chance, you won't regret it."
I shook my head. "I can't do this."
"You can. You just won't. I've already signed, haven't I?" He let out a harsh breath. "Be mine, Angel."
I closed my eyes briefly. "I can't give myself to you. They own me, Rick. I'm theirs."
"Who?"
I pursed my lips, wanting to tell him everything. I wanted to so badly because I was tired of hiding. It had gone on for so long. I've been alone for so long. It was driving me insane.
"Your parents," he said, his voice somber.
My parents had me at their will. I'll do their bidding without a second thought. I'll accept every slap, every hit, and every curse without fret. I was theirs. I've been theirs from the moment I was born and for all of my life, I was satisfied with it. I didn't fight. I didn't look for a way out. They owned me. Drove me. Consumed me. Filled me. Kept me alive while making me want to die. It was the most cruel punishment, to live the life they had given me.
"You can't let them rule your life, Angel. That's not right," he said fiercely.
"My life isn't mine alone. I have responsibilities. People rely on me and my brother. Our parents made us for a purpose. We don't get to choose what we want in life. That's not how it works for us."
I wanted to make him understand, but my life wasn't as easy to explain to someone who didn't know what it was like to live the way that I did.
"Is that it? They won't let you?"
I shook my head. "I won't let myself. I can't."
"That's not good enough."
"Then what is?" I said helplessly.
"Tell me you don't want me," he said, searing me with his gaze. "Tell me you don't want this. Tell me you don't feel anything for me. Tell me I mean nothing to you. Tell me you're not falling for me. Tell me you don't want to see where this is headed. Tell me, Angel. Tell me that and I'll let you go."
I couldn't.
* * *
It's been three God awful days since I last saw him. Three days since I ran away like my life depended on it. Three days since I turned my back on the man who wanted me more than any sane man should.
It was torture. Having to wake up in cold sweat, searching for him, and then realizing I was alone. Like how I should be because someone like me shouldn't ever be with someone like him. I would only hurt him. Ruin him. Break him. Take everything that he was away from him. I couldn't do that. Anything but that. But as the days passed by, I've come to realize that I'd gladly take a beating than this shit.
I ran away again. Taking refuge at a mansion in Long Island that I had inherited from my grandfather. The caretakers didn't ask questions when I wound up at the gates at two in the morning after an entire day of aimless driving and heavy drinking.
I've just been holed up in my room, only ever going out once nightfall came and even then, I would just find myself wandering around the beach with no sense of direction until the sunrose and the light made the ocean so blue, I couldn't the sight of it.
There was a knock at the door but I ignored it, closing my eyes as I drew comfort from the breeze that blew past me. I heard the door open followed by a set of footsteps, tentative but firm.
I inhaled softly, taking in the distinctive scent that suddenly filled the air. A refined mix of florals, herbal notes, and vanilla. It screamed luxury, as did my brother.
"I was beginning to wonder when they would call you," I mumbled, opening my eyes and staring at the orange sky.
"They were worried. They told me you haven't been eating or sleeping," he said as he sat beside me on the bench out in the balcony. "How are you?"
I just smiled, not bothering to look at him. "I can't stop seeing his face."
I closed my eyes and saw it right then. I saw the confusion. The anguis. The defeat. Everything that I did to him, I saw it as he watched me walk out the door and abandoned him as if he was just another toy I had grown bored of.
"Turn it off," Jude said.
He made it sound so simple. As if it was so easy to turn your emotions off. It was. Before, that is. Before Frederick Richardson fucked up my well-constructed pattern of escaping reality. Now, I was forced to face these things. I didn't know what to do with it. I hated it.
"Did you come to put an end to this petty sibling war, brother?" I asked instead, finally sparing him a glance.
He sighed, taking out an envelope from his jacket and placing it on the space between us.
"Mr. Jenkins had to conduct an investigation, that's why it took so long. He deemed Frederick's history with us was far too deep to be dismissed but I convinced the family council to render the contract void with the condition that you and I will not interact with him anymore. Ever," he said, almost sounding apologetic. "You should have been more careful."
I knew what he meant. He was saying, 'You should have hidden him'. The way he's been hiding Stella.
Why should I hide the only good thing in my life? Why should I hide the fact that I had feelings for someone? I hid behind my walls every day and I hated it. I hated hiding in the dark. Frederick didn't belong in the dark.
I ripped the envelope to pieces before walking inside the room. I took out the light from my pocket and lit up the stack of papers before throwing them into the fireplace.
I watched the flames dance lazily as they engulfed the papers inch by inch, turning black before becoming mere ashes. It felt like a metaphor for my brief but fierce affair with Frederick. Even if it had lasted for longer, we would have burned out eventually. Good things didn't generally last with me.
"Does Father know about us?" I asked, trying not to reveal the rampant emotions inside me.
"Yes."
"How much does he know?"
"Just that you've been growing fond of Rick."
Fond. That was one massive understatement.
"No harm comes to him," I said, my eyes fixated on the slight embers that lingered in the pieces of wood.
"If you promise the same for Stella."
"I let her go without a scratch, didn't I?"
"You shouldn't have gone after her in the first place. What you did to her was vicious and reprehensible."
I scoffed. "Imagine what I felt when you basically handed Rick to the family for slaughter."
"I was trying to protect you."
"By trying to destroy his life?" I fired back, scoffing. "You knew what would happen if he signed the contract, Jude. They would have owned him and his entire family would have been used as leverage. How could you do that to him? To me?"
He sighed. "Please, Gel, I'm tired of fighting. I can't have you as my enemy too."
"Only because you know you can't win against me in a fight."
"Yes, but also because you're my sister and I cannot stand the thought of hurting you more than I already have," he said ruefully.
"You know what I'm really pissed at, Jude?" I muttered, nudging the pieces of wood with the poker. "It's that you let Mother use you to hurt me and you were too dumb to see it. Even when she and Father are using me, I'm aware of what's happening. I just do what they want because, in a fucked up way, pleasing them satisfies me. When Mother ordered me to dispose of Stella, it took everything I had to deny her. It was the first time I've ever disobeyed her and as punishment, she took away the only good thing I have in my life right now and she manipulated you into doing her dirty work." I paused, laughing humorlessly. "You're so fucking naive that you didn't even notice it. It's really pissing me off."
"I'm sorry," he mumbled in a quiet voice but still, I could practically taste his guilt.
"Just make sure the family doesn't do anything to him and I promise to keep protecting Stella."
"I will," he said. "But you can't see him anymore. You know that, right?"
I nodded. "I know. What else do you need me to do?"
"Nothing. I'll handle the rest. Just come home."
His voice was calm and authoritative. But if I knew my brother, he was begging. He was just too proud to get on his knees.
"Okay," I conceded. I was growing bored here anyways. "Tell me something, does Father have any idea his heir has fallen for a lowly maid's daughter?" I smiled at the silence that followed. "I'll take that as a no."
I stood, turning to face him. He had this look in his face that meant many things. Fear, for one. Fear that his dirty little secret was going to be uncovered.
"She's quite a hard worker, isn't she? Although you should have told me she was one of our scholarship holders. I would have been much nicer to someone who survived their education through our generosity," I said sarcastically, admiring the shock painted all over his face. "I needed to know everything about her if I was going to protect her." I shrugged. "Tell me, how did you two meet? Honestly."
His face hardened while I simply smiled. "It's none of your business."
I chuckled, grinning at him. "It is. I walked away from Rick because it was the only way to protect him and myself. I'd like to know why you're breaking all the rules for this girl."
He looked hesitant. Wary, even. But if I was in his place, I would have felt the same too. He had more to lose than I did.
"She's our housekeeper's daughter," he said but I already knew that.
She was the daughter of the woman who's been cleaning our apartment, doing our laundry, and buying our groceries for the past six years. It wasn't hard to find out. Even though I couldn't recall saying a word to Mrs. Roberts in all her years of service.
"Mrs. Roberts fell ill and I went over to visit to make sure was recovering well. She and Stella lived together," he began and I urged him to go on with a nod.
He sighed, turning away from me and walking towards the balcony overlooking the garden.
"I already knew Stella. At least who she was. But we didn't get acquainted till then and I don't know, there was just something about her. She's not like everyone else and it was... refreshing." He paused and I could almost feel him smiling. "She hated me at first and could not stand the thought of speaking to me. She thought I was a materialistic douchebag who got everything handed to him on a silver platter."
"Aren't you though?"
He looked over his shoulder, gifting me a harsh glare while I simply smirked in response. He rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to the beach.
"So why didn't you tell me?" I asked. "First girl you ever spared a glance, I at least deserved to know."
"Do you know why I never spared even one girl a glance all my life, Gel?" he said somberly, sighing. "Because I know who I am. I don't have the luxury to spare any girl a glance."
"Then what made you look at her?"
He sighed again, shaking his head. "Same reason why you looked at Rick."
That was all I needed to know. Because I understood. Stella was different same way Rick was. They made us feel more... human. Alive. But still, it was wrong. Wanting someone we weren't obligated to want was wrong. Our duties will always come before our personal desires. We both knew this.
"You do realize that sooner or later, you're going to have to walk away from her too, right? We can have everything, just not this."
I walked away first because it was better to end it before it began but I'm afraid his case was different. He was already in too deep.
"I know. This is who we are after all," he said as he forced a bitter laugh.
"It's what we are. Not who. I don't know who I am, but I know this isn't it."
"It doesn't matter though. Who we are," he said, his voice grim.
"No. It doesn't," I agreed, standing beside him. "Do me a favor?"
"Anything."
"Be careful. Don't make the same mistake as I did when I let Frederick in."
He sighed. "I want to let her in."
I smiled sadly. "I know, but you can't. You'll just end up hurting her. Since I've sworn to protect her and I also live to serve you, there would be a conflict of interest on my part."
He let out a harsh breath. "It's not fair."
I glanced at him, seeing him hunched over and gripping the balustrade as if he wanted to break it. He looked like love sick puppy. I would have laughed if Jude Lastor in love wasn't a life-threatening matter.
"It's not," I agreed, chuckling. "What's happening to us?"
He managed to laugh along as he straightened, turning to look at me. He looked pained. As if the unfairness of our lives pained him. It always has.
Unlike me, Jude never accepted his fate and refused to bow to our family. He did right by his duties, but I also knew he wouldn't hesitate to abandon them if he found something worth doing. The only reason he was willing to bear with it all was because I would never abandon my own duties, which was a tragedy upon us both.