Soixante-dix-sept
Soixante-dix-huit
Soixante dix-neuf
Quatre-vingts
Quatre-vingt-un
Quatre-vingt-deux
Quatre-vingt-trois
Quatre-vingt-quatre
I jumped up to the surface, gasping for air.
The chilling night breeze prickled against my skin while the cool ocean water calmed the unbearable rage inside me. I closed my eyes, leaning back and letting myself float along the water as the waves waded back and forth the shore.
I've spent the past few hours in the water and I've probably tried to drown myself twenty times while making out the constellations on the sky in between pauses.
Nobody tried to follow me. Or even asked where I was going when I walked out of the suite after spending hours freezing in the shower. They probably didn't give a shit. They just felt responsible for me. Pitied me.
Stop thinking.
Thinking always made shit worse. I didn't want more of this crap. This was driving me insane enough.
I opened my eyes, gazing up at the dark night sky, the moon its gloomy mistress.
"Why did you give me that bracelet?" I called out into the night.
The figure in the distance stopped its failed attempt at being inconspicuous and got up from the lounge chair it has been using as post for the past hour.
I already noticed his presence before I even spared him a glance. I wasn't sure at first. He was far enough that I couldn't see anything but his shadowy figure. But somehow, I just knew.
"Do you really wanna know?" Rick asked as he casually strolled over to the shore.
"I don't ask questions I don't want the answers to," I said, keeping my gaze focused on the sky.
"That night you dragged me to New York, you talked about the moon. I remember just listening to you and thinking how you were exactly like the moon," he began, slowly coming towards me. "When I first saw you, I was captivated with the way you lit up the room and how you were so unaware of the effect you had on people that you didn't even notice the eyes staring at you. It was as if you had your own world that no one can ever enter. It made me want to know you. To know everything about you and find a way inside your world," he was saying, taking one step after another. Closer and closer to me. "When I finally met you, I was caught by the darkness that surrounded you. It was there in your eyes. You were filled with it. So much mystery hidden in the darkness. I didn't get how someone so beautiful would hide in the dark so much. It was like you were afraid of being seen."
He reached me and I tried to swim away but he caught my arm, pulling me closer and grasping my chin, forcing me to look at him. In the dead of night, with the moon looking down at us, he shined. He was the only one I could see and from the look in his eyes, I knew it was the same for him. Everything became non-existent.
"On the surface, you're so perfect. From your stunning beauty to your daunting brilliance. Every person who looks at you is stricken with envy and desire, and everyone who knows your name would think twice to look you in the eye. You've created an intimidating persona but that's all it is. A persona. The mere surface. I didn't understand why at first, but now I do. It's because you're so terrified of people seeing you for who you really are," he murmured, his eyes seemingly trying to take in every detail of my face. "You think if they knew how damaged you are inside, they'll reject you. So you don't give them that chance. You shut them out and push away anyone who tries to see beyond your disguise but for some reason that you can't seem to understand, people keep coming. As if they can't resist you. They're willing to give you everything and bear anything just for a glimpse of the girl who's been playing this Angel Lastor character but you never allow them to. Not out of self-preservation. No, it's mercy. You break their hearts in order to spare them the excruciating pain of knowing the real you. The angry, cruel, destructive, and painfully broken Angel."
He brought his face closer to mine, his breath fanning my face.
"But in spite of all that, there are times that you can be so unforgivably beautiful and anyone who gets to witness those rare moments would inevitably fall for you. Even with so much darkness and ruin around you, your heart, as broken and corrupted as it is, remains beautiful. You, Angel, are exactly like the moon."
I wrenched myself off him, breathing harshly.
"Stop it."
"You asked me why I gave you the bracelet, I'm only giving you my answer," he stated simply.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I glared at him. "Why are you still here?"
He shrugged. "Unlike you, I don't run away when things get difficult."
I stilled, my nails digging into my skin. "You expect a farewell fuck or something?"
He chuckled but he didn't look the least bit amused.
"I don't want meaningless sex." He shook his head, "That's just not me. I'd rather put myself through a drought than treat another person as just a warm body. But I don't expect you to understand the concept of being intimate with someone you actually have feelings for. You go for anyone good enough to fuck and then throw them away when you get bored."
I scoffed. "If you want to hurt me, you're gonna have to do better than calling me a whore."
"I don't want to hurt you. I just wanted to see how you'd react to that." He paused, eyeing me intently. "I think it's tragic how you can easily accept the worst, but won't even consider anything good."
I narrowed my eyes at him but he merely matched me with a blank stare.
"I'm incapable of anything good."
A small smile lifted the corners of his lips. "No. You're just scared. Every time you feel things you're unfamiliar with, your fear takes over. But just because you don't know something, doesn't mean it has to be bad."
I gritted my teeth. "I feel nothing."
His smile widened but it didn't reach his eyes. He was forcing it. I hated the sight of that mocking smile.
"You feel everything."
"I do not."
"You do."
"Shut-"
My words vanished when his lips crashed against mine, the dormant burning in my chest suddenly blazing and devouring me with its fiery flames. When he wrapped an arm around me, holding me so close to him and his lips burning my skin as he trailed kisses down my neck, I couldn't think straight. When he brought his lips to mine again, it was like pure instinct guiding me, forcing me to respond.
I met him at every twist and at every turn, offering him everything as I took all that he had. His kiss was firm and unrelenting, but his lips were soft and gentle. The juxtaposition of those two things made my world spin on a downward spiral while my heartbeat soared, slamming against my chest. Each beat his doing.
He bit into my bottom lip, forcing me to part and his sly tongue easily slipped into my mouth without any struggle. I craved for his taste more than I craved for my fix. He was the fix that every fiber of my being has been crying out for.
My palms slid over his chest and he let out a harsh breath as he trembled, almost as if my touched chilled him to the bone. His kiss changed in a flash and he was taking. Taking everything. My breath. My senses. My strength. He took it all at every stroke of his tongue and caress of his lips against mine.
I gave in with a helpless whimper when he hoisted me up, holding me against him while my legs wound themselves around his waist by instinct. I could feel him against my center. His straining cock pressed painfully against me and I tried to feel more. Wanted more. I wanted all of him. But all too soon, everything stopped.
Gripping a fistful of my hair, he dragged my lips away from his, yanking my head back when I protested.
"Admit it," he panted, his voice ominous.
Confusion, anger, and lust filled me. It was a dangerous mix. My sanity was already unstable enough as it is.
"What?" I breathed out.
"Admit it," he repeated, brushing his lips against my jaw. Teasing me. "You." He paused, placing a soft kiss on my jaw. "Feel." He kissed my ear. "Everything." Sealing the deal, he kissed the throbbing pulse on my neck.
I gritted my teeth. "Why can't you just fuck me and then fuck off, huh?"
"Because I'm selfish," he replied, pressing our foreheads together. "And I want to hear you say you want me as badly as I want you."
"I want you–" I whispered, tightening my thighs around his waist. "–to fuck me."
He smiled and that's when I noticed his eyes. They were darker. An intimidating shade of icy blue. I've never seen that look in his eyes before.
"I will never touch you again," he murmured, his lips brushing against mine. "Until you say you're mine."
And then, he pulled away in every sense of it. As he walked away, I could have sworn I felt another piece of what was left of me shatter.
I didn't stop him. I deserved it. I did this. I made him to turn his back on me. And he showed me how excruciating it was to be the one who was walked away from.
* * *
The suite was silent when I came in. Andrea was must out somewhere partying. Jude and Stella were probably asleep. He was out on the balcony.
I didn't hesitate. I didn't give a shit. For once, I did the chasing.
Rick was sitting on the cushioned bench, sipping on a glass of what seemed like whiskey while he stared out into the night sky with a pensive look in his eyes.
I slid the glass door open. He stilled but didn't turn. I shrugged off the towel draped around my shoulders and didn't bother saying a word as I slid onto his lap, straddling him and wrapping my arms around him.
I buried my face against his chest, inhaling the scent of roses that always came with him. I felt him tense but he didn't push me away. After a moment of hesitation, he put an arm around me, followed by the other, pulling me closer to him and holding me tightly before placing a kiss on my still damp hair.
Something clenched my chest at the simple gesture. At this simple thing. It made my eyes sting.
After a while of silence, he spoke, "You reek of alcohol."
I smiled lightly. "Ditto."
He sighed. "You'll get sick if you don't dry yourself."
"Good thing you're a doctor then."
"That isn't an excuse to purposely neglect your health, Angel," he chided before reaching for the towel on the floor.
He started drying my hair and I sighed, closing my eyes as a sense of calmness filled me. Content. I identified it as one of the many things he made me feel. Safe was another one and I've never hated my life more than I did right this moment because even though it wasn't right, I still wanted him.
"I lied to you when I said I didn't remember you the night we met," I murmured, remembering the hazy memory I had of that night six years ago. "Gramps was sick of Jude and I avoiding each other, and ordered us both to attend events together for the summer. One of those events was your parents' wedding. At the reception, I went to the beach to hide from my bodyguard but you were already there. You were laying on the sand and I sat beside you. I asked you why you were hiding and you said you weren't. You had broken your glasses while fighting with your girlfriend and you couldn't see straight. I asked what the fight was about and you told me about your plans for medical school, and how it has always been your dream to travel Europe and you've been saving up for it since you got your first job when you were fourteen. And I just remember sitting there, watching the passion in your eyes come alive while you told me the greatest adventure I've ever heard. I've traveled all over Europe a hundred times and over but listening to you talk about it, it was as if I've never been. You made it sound so exciting that I found myself wishing to experience that adventure with you. But then you started doubting yourself and wondering if doing it would be the right thing. You would be leaving behind the girl of your dreams and I told you why not ask her to go with you. You said she already got accepted to Yale for medical school and you couldn't possibly ask her to let that go for you. So I asked if you were willing to let go of your dreams for her and you said yes. I asked why and you said because you loved her. And I told you-"
"I was an idiot," he cut in. "You called what we had an insult to love because true love was supposed to be two people sharing the same adventure and supporting each other to achieve their dreams, and we were doing the exact opposite of it." He drew his head back, staring at me. "And then your phone rang and you had to leave but before you left, you made me promise to chase my dream. The next day, a package arrived at my parents' house. It was a basket of European pastries and a one way ticket to Germany and a set of keys to a house in Heidelberg with a note stuck to it."
"Get contacts. They're more travel friendly," I said with a smile.
His brows furrowed, his eyes moving rapidly as if he was trying to pinpoint if I was real.
"It was you?" I shrugged. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Well, when I heard you moved out of the house after two months, I kinda assumed you found out who I was and didn't want to have anything to do with me."
He shook his head. "I only stayed there in the hopes that I could finally meet the girl who made my dream a reality."
He reached for my face hesitantly and cupped my cheek, his eyes filled with disbelief.
"I tried to find you and thank you for what you did, but it was impossible without a name or face to lead with. I asked around the neighborhood to see if they knew anything and even tracked down the realtor who sold the house but she said it was an anonymous transaction and the buyer paid in cash." He frowned. "Why did you do that? Why did you do all those things for me and then just disappear?"
I pursed my lips, lowering my eyes. "I was in a bad place," I confessed. "Two weeks after we met, I... I tried to kill myself. My family covered it up with a bullshit story so not many people know about it."
"The car accident, right?"
I nodded, sighing. "After everything that's happened to me these past six years, I honestly forgot about you. It wasn't until we met again on my birthday and you mentioned something about going to medical school in Heidelberg that I remembered."
He let out a harsh breath, pressing his forehead against mine. "Why are you telling me all this now?"
"I guess I've just been thinking about it lately. How all these years, we seem to always cross paths but somehow, we never got to be in each other's lives." I bit my lip, holding either side of his cheeks. "But now that you're here, I'm so fucking terrified that this is all temporary. Forgetting you was easy when I didn't know you but now that I do, forgetting you has been impossible."
"Then why did you leave me, baby?"
I lowered my eyes, focusing on his shirt. "I was scared."
"I'm scared too. Doesn't mean I'm going to leave."
"I want to believe you," I whispered, my voice flaking. "But people have promised me they'd never leave but they still left and it was so hard to learn to live without them."
He sighed, holding the side of my neck and brushing his thumb against my skin.
"How about this, you don't leave me instead," he suggested. "That way, you don't have to worry about me leaving you because for as long as you want to stay, I'm with you."
My brows furrowed. "That doesn't sound fair. What if I leave?"
He shrugged. "Then I'll turn the world upside down until I find you and drag you back to where you belong. With me," he said with a smile. "So, deal? No more leaving?"
I pursed my lips together to fight the smile that was threatening to take over. He glared at me.
"I'm serious."
I snorted. His glare darkened.
"Get off me."
"No more leaving," I conceded, tightening my arms around him.
He tried not to smile.
"Asshole," I muttered under my breath.
"Bitch," he quipped, lowering his forehead to mine.
He nudged my nose with his, nipping at my lower lip. I stuck my tongue out, sliding the tip along his lower lip. He tried to press our lips together but I drew back. He groaned. I smiled, placing a quick kiss on his lips.
"Stop teasing, baby."
I bit my lip, looking at him through my lashes as I cupped his jaw, brushing my thumbs along his five o'clock shadow.
"You need a shave."
He shook his head. "I don't wanna. Wanna kiss you," he said, sounding petulant.
I snorted. "I'll do it for you."
He grinned. "Kiss me?"
I rolled my eyes while he chuckled lightly before leaning in, parting his lips and brushing them against mine. I grinned, averting when he tried to kiss me. He gave me an irritated glare and held my head in place, tucking my hair at either side of my ear as he placed a feather light kiss on my lips. He lifted his eyes, pressing his lips against mine almost tentatively. As if asking for permission. I smirked, deepening the kiss.