I leaned against Rick as we laid on the bathtub, our gazes locked through the mirrors surrounding us. We've been like this for almost an hour and we've barely said more than a handful of words to each other since we returned to the boat while refusing to leave my side. He wouldn't say it, but I knew he was afraid the moment he gave me an inch, I'd take a mile. I couldn't blame him because I wasn't really sure if I wouldn't do it.
The high had long been gone but I could still feel it. This thing between us wasn't just a casual fling. It wasn't just a petty infatuation. It wasn't simple attraction. It wasn't anything romantic. It was desire. Pure and consuming. Raw and primal. Destructive.
I had a feeling that this had the ability to kill me more than any drug could. That's what we refused to say. What we already knew before. We just ignored it. Ignored how much power we had over each other.
When he came inside me for the first time, I realized I was done for it. I wouldn't be able to replace him. I wouldn't be able to be with anyone else. I wouldn't be able to deny it anymore. What we had, it was going to ruin me. Probably already had.
As we stared at each other through the mirror, it grew. The need for each other. Our breathing grew harsher as our eyes turned darker. Neither of us made a move, almost as if fearing that last move would push us over the precipice and towards the unknown. But almost as if we couldn't help it, we started moving against each other.
"Angel…"
"Rick…"
In a flash, his hands were on my hips and I turned, straddling him. Our lips met and everything came rushing in at the speed of light. It broke us open.
We gasped and pulled away, caught off guard by the sudden intensity. We met again.
He hoisted me up as he got to his feet, leaving a trail of water in his wake as he headed back to the bedroom, our lips fused together. Hungrily taking each other's lips.
There was no time for foreplay and lingering kisses or meaningful confessions. We had no patience for it. We just needed this right now.
The moment our joined bodies hit the bed, he tore his away inside me and I bit into his lip as a scream tried to rip its way out of my throat. He tensed and I wrapped my limbs around him, not wanting him to pull away. I just needed him. I could take the pain. Any pain would be bearable if it was with him.
I rocked my hips against him, desperate to feel him fill me. Consume me. He threw away whatever caution he held as he began thrusting into me. Each thrust accompanied by a grunt and a curse between us as our bodies became joined as one in the most primal of ways.
He pressed his forehead against mine, his dark eyes holding me captive. I didn't try to run or hide. I met him at every thrust. Met him at every turn. At every kiss. He grew rougher as each second passed. Every time he pulled back, he would come back with more force, burying himself so deep into me I was sure I could never get him out of me. In more ways than one.
I was panting, my entire body tingling with the need for release. He was biting at my skin, leaving marks as he began trailing kisses down my chest while his hand slid between us. He rubbed his fingers against my clit, burying his cock deep into me at every thrust. I raised my hips off the bed, my legs shaking as he drove me to the edge.
More. More. Just a little more.
As we inched closer to the peak of our tryst, we grew more unforgiving in our greed for each other. I felt him bite a mouthful of my breast, hard enough to tear skin, and the sudden burst of pain was enough to crush me beneath the burdening pleasure. I came hard, knees buckling and my body shaking all over while Rick's mouth on mine drowned my cries.
He tightened his arms around me, delivering short and frantic thrusts, and then he was filling me completely. The warmth of his release triggered another one from me, my overstimulated walls clenching tight.
It felt so good. So perfect. Made me wish for things that could never be and want more than I should.
It terrified me. I had never wanted anything in my life. Never. I never had to want anything because I already had everything. Influence. Money. Intelligence. Looks. But all of that meant nothing in the face of the greed I had for him and it scared the shit out of me. This was not part of the life that was planned for me. I wasn't trained for any of this and I didn't know how to deal with it.
"Don't run," Rick whispered in my ear.
I wanted to. I so badly wished to get away from him and the chaos of emotions he was provoking, but I knew it would be futile. He would haunt me. Drive me crazy. Break me with the ghost of him.
There was nowhere for me to go but here, in his arms, submitting to the ruin that would eventually become of us. The only comforting thought in all this was I knew, I wasn't alone. We shared this doom.
* * *
I watched Rick sleep in a peaceful slumber as I laid next to him. He was so beautiful like this. But then again, he was always beautiful.
I sighed, lifting a hand and brushing the tips of my fingers along his jaw. As if feeling my touch, his head turned as I cupped his jaw and he kissed my palm. I smiled, leaning in to kiss his cheek. His eyes slowly fluttered half open.
"What's wrong, baby?"
"Do you wish we'd met sooner?"
"What? Go back to sleep," he grumbled.
"I can't sleep sober."
He sighed, rubbing a palm down his face. "Sometimes."
"Sometimes?"
He nodded. "Sometimes, I wish we'd met sooner. If we had, I wouldn't have let you suffer alone for so long."
"I wish I knew I would meet you," I whispered, tracing his lips with my thumb. "I would have held onto everything that I've lost if I had known you would come one day. I wouldn't have destroyed every good thing that I had if I knew I would meet you. I could have given you everything that you deserve if I just knew." I gritted my teeth as I felt tears sting my eyes. "God, I had so much to give, but now it's all gone and I have nothing left for you. I just... I just wish I knew."
He frowned, gently wiping away my tears. "What's happening, hm?" he asked. "Why are you thinking like this?"
I laughed forcefully. "I get weird at night."
"Hold on, I'll go get you some water."
I shook my head, sitting up. "I'm okay. I just need a smoke."
"I'll come with you."
"I think I need to be alone for a minute."
"You hate being alone."
I turned to look at him, feigning a smile. "Yeah, but I won't take long. Go back to sleep."
He reached for me, wrapping a gentle hand around my throat and bringing my face down to his. I held his gaze as he stared at me, looking at me in that intrusive way that I had grown used to.
"Come back soon," he murmured, his words somehow feeling like he meant something else.
I nodded and he let me go. I slowly got off the bed, taking my robe and shrugging it on. I grabbed my purse from the nightstand before leaving the room. I headed to the balcony and took out the packet of white powder from my purse.
I poured out three lines on the balustrade, and without allowing myself to think, I shoved each one up my nose. The euphoria was almost instantaneous as I felt myself pull apart from my body, only a panthom thread of awareness keeping me anchored to it.
I took out the flask from my purse, intent on severing that thread. This reality. For a moment, I just stood there, the flask in my hands, feeling angered at the thought that I couldn't let it go. I couldn't go on without my poison. I couldn't live without it.
"He won't survive you, you know that, right?" I heard my brother's voice say from behind me.
I stiffened but didn't turn. "I know," I said, my gaze fixed on the flask.
"You're letting your emotions get the best of you, Gel."
I scoffed. "Speak for yourself."
"This isn't about me. I know how to control mine, you don't."
"Why did you bring him here then?" I hissed lowly.
"Because I knew he was what you needed. I just didn't know how much."
I fought the urge to fling the flask at his obnoxious head.
"Now what? You're just going to take him away again? Is that the plan?"
"You know it won't last."
"So you can take mine, but you get to keep yours?" I scoffed. "You're a fucking hypocrite."
"You're not thinking!" He raised his voice so suddenly I flinched. He sighed, coming to stand next to me. "You may be reckless, but everything you've done, no matter how irresponsible and idiotic they may have been, you always knew the outcome if you did them. Even when you do things on a whim, you're always thinking ten steps ahead. You keep things in control even when it doesn't look like it. But this... you haven't put a single thought into this."
"I know what I'm doing," I lied.
He looked at me, not believing a single word of what I'd said.
"When you're with him, you don't think. He makes you forget who you are and maybe the relief is satisfying, but it doesn't erase the facts. Your engagement to Andre Gustav is due to be announced at the end of the summer and your wedding is already set. You can't say you didn't want it because you gave the family council your consent. You approved the arrangement. You chose Andre from a long list of prospective candidates offered to you. You wilfully participated in solidifying the relationship in the press. You didn't have to do any of it, I even begged you to withdraw your approval, but you didn't care about your life. Now, you've met someone who finally made you care, but it's too late. You can't fall in love with him now, or ever."
My grip on the flask tightened. "I'm not going to."
He looked at me intently. Reading me. I blocked him out immediately. He shook his head and gazed down at the flask in my hands before turning his eyes front.
"I'm only tolerating your relationship with him here, but when we go back, you know it's not going to be the same. Rick is a good man, but the family will never approve of him and when they find out that you've invested yourself in someone of his stature, it's going to put not only his career in danger but also his life."
"How about you stop meddling with my life and focus on yours?" I spat. "Stella has more risk of being hurt than Rick is. You love her. I don't love him and I never will. If they want me to end things with him, I have no problems doing it. Can you?"
His face hardened. "Stella signed a contract before I moved forward with our relationship. I made her aware of what kind of relationship we are only allowed to have and the limitations of what we can be. She knows who I am and she fully accepts that I can't give her certain things. When the time comes for my marriage, she has the choice to stay behind me or leave. Either way, her place in my life will be unchanged."
I scoffed in disbelief. "Only Anthony Lastor's protege could treat a relationship like a business deal."
"You think I wanted to do it?" he bit out, suddenly angry. "I feel like shit that I can't give her everything, but I also know that I can't let my emotions control. I don't have the luxury to have the one I love beside me. We both don't."
I shook my head, unclasping the cap of my flask and tilting my head as I brought it to my lips, taking the harsh burn of the tequila I'd filled it with. I grimaced, wiping the back of my hand over my mouth and handing the flask to him. He looked at it in disgust.
"You need it more than I do," I urged.
He sighed, taking the flask and sipping lightly. His face soured, spitting it out.
"Why on Earth would you drink this crap?"
I chuckled, shrugging. "It's hard enough to make me stop thinking for a while."
He sighed again, tentatively taking another sip before going big and emptying it. My brows rose as I watched him swallow down every drop of the hard drink. He nearly choked but managed to keep it down while I continued to gape at him.
I've rarely seen my brother drink. He took sips of scotches and he loved a well-aged wine, but he never went full drinking.
He caught me looking and shrugged, handing the flask back to me.
"I needed it."
"Looks like it," I muttered dryly.
He sighed, a solemn look flitting over his face. "Do you wish it too?"
I frowned. "What?"
He looked back at the beach, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. "That we were normal."
I bit my lip, gripping the flask as I followed his gaze. "Every day."
"I want her," he said, opening his eyes, his face anguished. "I've never wanted anything before. I didn't need to, I already had everything, but then she came into my life and suddenly none of it mattered. She's all I want, but I can't have her."
"You can have her," I replied. "But she can never have you."
"Is that how it is with you two?"
I shook my head. "No, I've given myself to him."
He sighed, shaking his head in dismay. "You're going to get him killed."
I managed to smile. "I was forced to seduce and fuck fifty-one men to save the company from becoming another casualty in the worst global financial crisis since the Great Depression. I am the Lastor family's most profitable asset." I looked up at him. "Just imagine how easy it would be for me to destroy them."