Early on Saturday morning, I had to prepare myself because today was our first date ever since I decided to play Suzuki's boyfriend. At 10 am, I arrived at our meet-up point in front of the amusement park gate.
"She's late," I thought to myself as I checked my watch. She was 10 minutes late. I only agreed to this for her sake, and now she's late.
Just as I was about to turn back, I saw her running towards me, waving frantically. She was wearing a stylish white dress, a black leather jacket, and a pair of white loafers. Her fluffy short black hair was blown backward by the wind as she ran toward me. She looked beautiful.
"Sorry, I'm late. The train was delayed. I'm really sorry," she apologized, bowing her head slightly.
"No need to apologize, Suzuki-san," I replied.
"Okay, so where do we start? I'm so excited for today," she said, looking around eagerly, even though we hadn't entered the park yet. But she seemed happy, and that made me happy.
After purchasing the tickets, we headed inside. We visited different places, sometimes having to wait in line for our turn, but it was entertaining. Suzuki-san was always excited, so she didn't let me slack off. On a day like this, I could have locked myself in my room and gotten lost in a book.
"I'm feeling hungry. Do you want to grab a bite?" she asked, not waiting for my answer as she pulled me towards an ice cream shop. Can ice cream satisfy one's hunger?
She ordered a large vanilla flavor parfait, and I ordered the same, unsure of these sorts of things.
"Inoue-san and Tachibana-kun, what are you guys doing here?" A girl who apparently I didn't know but seemed to know me was standing beside us. She was holding a small girl, who I guess is her little sister. But she also looks familiar.
"Ichikawa-san and…?" Suzuki-san directed her gaze to Ichikawa-san's little sister.
"Oh, sorry. She's my little sister, Aoi-san," Ichikawa-san introduced her little sister, who hid herself behind her big sister. She seemed shy for some reason, but what caught my attention the most was that she was staring at me. Am I scary? No, no, I better not talk.
Apparently, Suzuki-san noticed and grabbed my hand, pressing it against her chest. What's this soft sensation I'm feeling in my hand? Wait, is it her boobs, holy crap,I just have to calm down. On the other hand, Ichikawa-san seemed confused, so I decided not to introduce myself. I think she already knows me, so I better not.
"This handsome and cool man is my boyfriend, Kenji Tachibana," Suzuki-san directed my introduction to Aoi-chan. That's right, she didn't know me; only her big sister knew me. But how does she even know me in the first place?
"Boy…boyfriend!" Ichikawa-san's eyes were directed at me, and she looked surprised.
"Yeah, that's right, my boyfriend. Isn't that right, Kenji-kun?"
"Yeah, that's right," I supported her argument.
"I knew you two were always fooling around in class, but I never knew you two were dating."
Class! Wait, brown hair, ponytail, and a petite body. That's right, she's the class monitor. How could I forget her? Now I seem confident in myself.
"I guess love is a beautiful smile," I said.
Why the heck are you even smiling like that, Suzuki-san?
"Okay then, we better be going. See you at school, Inoue-san and Tachibana-kun," Ichikawa-san waved at us as she disappeared into the crowd.
"I guess it's now official," said Suzuki-san as she took her seat in a shelter.
"Yeah, I guess so."
**Suzuki Inoue – Interrogation**
"Inoue-san, is it true you are dating Tachibana-kun?"
"Have you two kissed yet or what?"
"Have you done the deed?"
Questions came from one girl to the other in the early morning of Monday. As I briskly answered the questions, I saw Hinata-chan entering the school gate. Knowing she's in love with Kenji, I know she will be the hardest hit by this news. Sorry, Hinata-chan, I'm really sorry. I'm sure after this is all over, you two are going to fall in love eventually.
I wanted her to hear this from me, so I went to meet her at the stairs.
"Suzuki-san, why are you running?"
How am I going to tell her? I don't want to hurt her, but I also want to make memories with her.
"Hinata-chan, I need to tell you something," I moved closer to her. She looked a bit curious.
"Suzuki-san, you are sounding too serious. Is there anything wrong? Did I offend you or something?"
"No, you didn't do anything wrong," I assured her. She let out a sigh of relief and then looked at me.
"Don't tell me Tachibana-kun did something wro.."
"I have entered a relationship with Kenji-kun. From henceforth, I am his girlfriend. That's what I wanted to tell you."
I could see her eyes widening out of shock. She didn't blink for a while; her eyes were bloodshot, and I could see tears forming. She then proceeded to hug me. I know she didn't want me to see her crying.
"Congratulations, Suzuki-san. I hope for the best for you two," she whispered into my ears.
Her voice was somehow full of sadness, but at the same time, full of happiness. She wished us the best, even though she was in love with Kenji, and I am pretending to be Kenji's girlfriend, and at the time, I'm not even in love with him. What kind of friend am I turning out to be? I'm sorry, Hinata-chan, I'm so sorry.
"Let's go to class together," she said as she walked in front of me, covering her teary eyes.
As expected, when she reached her seat, she didn't talk to Kenji. She only nodded at him as their eyes met. My chest felt so heavy; I felt like crying.
During lunchtime, we invited both Hinata-chan and Chihiro-kun to have lunch with us.
"Come on, man, you could have at least told me, knowing I'm the only boy who's your friend," said Chihiro-kun, who was indeed the only boy who was friends with Kenji.
"Chihiro-kun, don't brag about that, and I didn't tell you because I had a feeling it was going to be a long interrogation and it was a pain to me."
As the two boys exchanged words, on the other hand, Hinata-chan, who was opposite to Kenji-kun and next to Chihiro-kun, didn't say a word but only continued to eat her lunch. I decided to break her silence.
"I guess I better hook up with Ayane-san, what do you say, Ayane-san?" Chihiro-kun asked. I guess he beat me to it.
"Gross, I'd rather die," Hinata-chan shot back, and Chihiro-kun hung his head in embarrassment. Out of my expectations, Hinata giggled. Seeing her happy made me smile.
Nice going, Chihiro-kun, nice job. But the problem was between Tachibana-kun and Hinata; they didn't talk to each other since morning. They were only exchanging glances. I also knew I was in the way of their newfound relationship.
**Tachibana Kenji – I'm Sorry, but I Need to Accept It**
As we continued with our lunch, I felt the urge to talk to Hinata, but when I looked at her and our eyes met, I felt so sad. It felt as if I had betrayed her, although she never told me anything, I knew she liked me. But the reason I accepted to pretend to be Suzuki's boyfriend was because I wanted to destroy the feelings I have for Hinata. I knew we would never be able to go back together, so it felt unfit to hold onto the past.
"Excuse me, I need to use the washroom," Hinata excused herself and walked out of the classroom. I decided to follow her to explain the issue.
"Excuse me too," and I walked out of the class.
I waited for her outside the girls' washroom, and as she stepped outside…
"Hinachan, let's go to the rooftop," I ended up using the name I used to call her when we were dating.
As we reached the top, she didn't even say anything. All she did was look at the floor to hide her disappointment.
"Hinachan?"
"Don't call me that!" I was shocked when Hinata told me that, but I needed to maintain my composure.
"There's no need to call me that. It's only for Suzuki-san's sake. I don't mean I hate it, but don't call me that." Oh yes, she said that for her friend's sake. Back when we used to date, she always liked it when I called her 'Hinachan.'
"I am dating Suzuki-san. I guess I needed to confirm it to you. I know it's weird coming from me, but you also need to move on." Wait, what am I even saying? Shit, I need to take that back. When I looked at her, I could see drops of water coming from Hinata's face, which was looking down. She then immediately looked straight into me. They aren't water, tears. She's crying. I made her cry. What was I even thinking? She then opened her pink lips to speak.
"Yeah, yeah, I know you two are dating. I already know. You don't need to rub it in to me. But why did it have to be my best friend? You idiot, did you want to break me or what? You know what? Congratulations, you already did. Ever since we were dating, you never placed my feelings first. You really never cared about me. Even after reuniting, the first thing you said about my feelings were some shit about 'suspension bridge effect'. What the hell is that all about, Tachibana-kun?"
She was so angry. Her voice was shaking. Yes, that's right. I never placed her feelings first. Yes, and that's why I can't accept your feelings now because I can't make you happy. But I can't disclose the truth about this relationship with Suzuki-san.
"Ayane-san, Ayane-san?" I wish I could embrace you, but still, I can't. "I am sorry."
"Why are you even apologizing? I don't get it. I'm really happy you found happiness. Happiness I never provided to you. I always saw you smiling when spending time with Suzuki-san. I was so jealous of her, but still, I was happy she was there for you."
That's right. She never tried to get in between me and Suzuki. She cared for both of us, and I only turned a cold shoulder to her. I am really sorry.
"Ayane-san, I know someday you'll come to understand."
Yeah, you'll come to understand that I am still in love with you, but just for now, let's drift apart.
When I looked at her, she only shook her head. Her eyes were red, her cheeks were wet with tears, and yet she smiled. She had a beautiful smile on her face, which made me hate myself even more.
"No, Tachibana-kun, I don't need to understand. I know what I should do from today henceforth. I just need to accept the reality. I'll be rooting for you both to have a great time. I'm just happy I fell in love with you, Tachibana-kun."
How can I attain happiness when you are not by my side? Why are you smiling when deep down, you are hurting? You and I seem to be of the same kind. We can't be true with ourselves.
"Yeah, thank you." Why do I even thank her? I can just tell her the truth, right? That I am still in love with her? That's right. I just need to tell her the truth.
"Ayane-sa-" Before I could finish calling her name, she cut me off. She asked me a question and left me shocked because I didn't really expect it.
"Tachibana-kun, were you in love with me back in middle school or not?"
She sounded serious, a question that only required a one-word answer: 'yes' or 'no.'
But I hesitated. The word felt so heavy. This is not the time to feel embarrassed. Before I even knew it, the bell rang. I wasted time to answer. She walked away, and the silence in itself gave the answer. She looked very disappointed.
But that's not it.
She then opened the exit door and spoke without looking back.
"I hope you truly love Suzuki-san, Tachibana-kun. Later."
Those words themselves were heartbreaking. But why? Why can't I be true to myself?
As I returned to class, Hinata was not in yet. As classes for the day came to an end, she never returned to class.
*Hinata Ayane – Time to fight my depression*
"It's already nighttime."
I gently got out of bed, gripping my waist with both hands and stretching myself. I remembered coming home early from school after that confrontation with Kenji. I had curled up in bed crying for about an hour until I passed out.
I proceeded to take a bath, tying my hair back as I stripped down and stood in front of the bathroom mirror. Redoing my everyday routine, I traced the scars on my back.
"It brings back memories."
And I stepped into the bath.
As I finished bathing, I didn't feel like eating. I went straight to my room and sat at the table.
Tomorrow was the day the midterm results were to be announced, and I was sure I would end up in the top ten at most. Ever since transferring schools back in middle school, I had studied hard to attain good results, for it was the only way…
"Ah, I can't focus! I blame all this on you, Kenkun." I screamed, letting out the fire burning in my heart, the fire of betrayal.
I recalled the events of the day. I knew it was wrong to let my feelings and emotions control me, but I couldn't help it.
Now, what was I going to do about this situation? Was I going to screw up their relationship, or should I just accept it? I was so confused. Ever since middle school, the sweet and cute little girl Hinata Ayane had a dark side, a dark side that only her boyfriend knew. The same dark side she had a feeling led to their breakup. But…
"Oh, Kenkun, you really never loved me."
The only thing that made my heart shudder was knowing that he never loved me. If that's it… That's right, I can't stick and hold onto the past any longer. He isn't the only person who has betrayed me before, and every time I rose back stronger. But still, why did it have to be him? I also believed he cared, he loved me. Back then, I found a sense of belonging in his arms, but all along, I was just his pawn. Damn it, why…
"Ow, ow, ouch, that hurts." I winced in pain, holding my left hand, which I had used to fist the wall in front of me.
Ah, whatever. I guess venom treats venom. As I said those words in my mind, I came to a conclusion. I just needed something to use as a shoulder to cry on. Something or, more precisely, someone to comfort me and make me happy.
Happy??
What is happiness even? What's the purpose of being born? Is it to find happiness or to find another purpose in life?
Yeah, I still don't get it.
Date: May 15th, 2023
Weather: Rainy
Day: Tuesday
Dear diary,
Today has been quite exhausting. I felt extremely dizzy, and at one point, I wasn't sure if I would even make it home. Despite that, I had lunch with my two best friends and my supposed boyfriend. I can't help but feel excited about tomorrow. However, I can't shake off my concern for Hinachan. She never returned to class after lunch. As the day comes to an end, I'm left with two lingering questions:
1. Am I doing the right thing?
2. For whoever reads this diary after I'm gone, do you think I made the right choices?
I hope tomorrow goes well...
**Tachibana Kenji**
Is it natural for a person to harbor self-hatred? If so, why do we still find the will to carry on? Perhaps it's the warmth of others' kindness that keeps us going. But if I'm wrong, what's the real answer? Someday, I hope to find out.
Today at school, students flocked around Hinata, either congratulating her or learning about her secret.
Meanwhile, others gathered around Suzuki, bombarding her with questions about our relationship.
The news of us being together spread like wildfire, making us the second most talked-about topic in school.
The top spot, of course, was occupied by Hinata, who had outperformed me in the midterm rankings. It was a shocker to see her excel academically, considering her average performance in middle school. Despite my disappointment in myself, I couldn't help but feel happy for her.
When I returned home, my mother and sister were still out, so I retreated to my room. Why is this happening to me? What did I do wrong? Today, Hinata seemed to be avoiding me, refusing to meet my gaze or engage in conversation.
I need to understand what's going on between us.