Date: 3rd June 2024
Weather: Sunny
My condition worsened; I was rushed to the hospital early in the morning but had instructed my father not to mention anything to the school or anybody else.
∆ Ayane Hinata ∆
Aah, I'm really fed up with myself. Why can't I just be true to myself? But I'm not really at fault here; it's all him. How can he ask me to be his girlfriend when he already has a girlfriend who is my best friend? I just can't shake off this feeling of depression; I need to pull myself together. For now, I'd better go to school.
"Good morning, Ayane-san." A girl with brown hair greeted me in front of the school gate. Judging by the red armband she's wearing, I guess she's in the disciplinary committee. Did I do something wrong or is it my mode of dressing?
"Ayane-san, don't worry, you're not in any trouble."
Woah, I think she can read minds or something. Back to the topic.
"Oh, I see. So, um..."
"You can just call me Yuri. I'm from class 2-B and president of the disciplinary committee."
What does the president of the disciplinary committee want from me?
"Yuri-senpai, if I'm not in any kind of trouble, how can I help you?"
Just before she could speak up, a boy, I suppose from the committee, dragged senpai away. She tried to protest, but eventually gave up.
"Ayane-san, I'm sure we'll meet again on a later date."
With that strange encounter, I walked into the school and headed to class.
"She's not in," I muttered to myself as I went to take my seat. Apparently, I didn't greet Tachibana, and neither did he bother to speak or look at me. I guess this is for the best. I wanted to talk to Suzuki about this, but she hadn't arrived yet. What's taking her so long? She's pretty late today.
I was brought back to my senses when I spotted Chihiro walking to his seat looking all depressed and feeling low. That's unusual for him.
" That's unsual from him."
"Did you say something, Ayane-san?" a girl who was sitting in front of me asked, smiling.
"No, sorry. I was just talking to myself, Ishikawa-san."
Now I look like an idiot.
"Okay."
With that, she returned to her normal sitting posture. I shrugged and buried my face in my locker. For a moment, I felt someone staring at me. My body couldn't move for a second. I instantly knew who might be looking at me. I was so nervous I couldn't bring myself to look at him.
•••
"Hey, Chihiro-kun?"
"Ayane-san!" sounding super surprised.
I guess it's true, we really never talk that much. Wait, why was I even here? Oh right…
"Chihiro-kun, are you doing alright? Because I saw you this morning, and you weren't doing so great."
He stiffened up as if I had hit the nail on the head, and unexpectedly, he smiled. Why is he even smiling? Gosh, he's handsome. I always knew he was handsome, not that I like him or anything.
"Ah, don't worry. It's just I had a falling out with my mom this morning. So, don't give it a thought or anything, okay?"
"Hey, why are you walking away?"
"You need something else, Ayane-san?"
This guy, why is he so antisocial?
"Come to think of it, do you know what's up with Suzuki-san?"
He shook a bit. Why does he seem so tense when I mention her name?
"Why? Do you think I know what's wrong with her? I'm going, Ayane-san."
With that, he walked away. Although I really don't talk with him that much, I think I might relate to him in many ways. I guess I'll go visit Suzuki after school.
***
(Ding, Ding)
I rang the doorbell for about 5 minutes, but no one came to answer it.
(I guess they're not home.)
"What are you doing here?"
As I turned to see who it was, I think I might have expected him to show up, but now I'm really nervous.
The boyfriend to my best friend, Tachibana Kenji, who is also my ex-boyfriend and the person I'm in love with.
"Do I need your permission to visit my best friend?"
I guess I sounded a bit harsh.
"I suppose there is no one home," said Tachibana as he started to walk away.
What's wrong with me, and why do I feel so irritated or more than defeated?
"Tachibana-kun?"
"What do you want, Ayane-san?"
Why did I even call him? Ah, shit, what am I even going to tell him?
"Can you walk me home?"
"No," said Tachibana with no hesitation.
I guess I had no right to say that;
I guess that was what I had expected.
"I see, I guess I'm sorry for asking. If you'll excuse me, I guess I better be going."
I walked past him with my head hung down to avoid him seeing how humiliated I feel right now.
"I just have things to do, so I'm not heading back home."
With those words, I found myself grinning for some reason, and I turned around to look at him, but he was walking away. Damn, why am I feeling so happy?
∆ Takemitchy Chihiro ∆
For all my past traumas, I find comfort in some things, while others still haunt me till now. Basically, I really don't know where this life will bring me, but I hope it leads me to a better future. At this point, I just want to hug someone and tell them how tired and drained I am. "I guess we close our eyes to things we don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel." I really need to feel loved, although my love story was crushed before it even began. From every past mistake, we learn anew. We avoid people who crush our hearts; we run to people who welcome us with open hearts. But I really never did. But I'm the same as everyone else; we all hurt, we all suffer emotional pains, but not all recover from those pains. That's why I never hurt anyone, the same way I've been hurt. Back in middle, at some point, I was always alone with no friends, or let's say I used to think I had no friends, that's until I met her.
Towards the end of my second year in middle school, I encountered a girl. A girl who changed how I viewed myself, a girl who I fell in love with, a girl who broke my heart: Inoue Suzuki, a glowing butterfly that flies through my dark heart. After the closing ceremony, I went to the park to relax myself before heading home. I was looking up at the clear blue sky, and then…
"Is it beautiful? People say the sky is beautiful, but I wonder why?" a girl's voice spoke, which sounded like she was a bit closer. Suzuki Inoue was sitting next to me, looking at the sky. From that point, I saw her, and I guess I fell in love. She had white, pure skin; her black hair clearly showcased her beauty. She had become popular in the third semester of middle school, so I happened to know her name.
"Inoue-san, what do you want?" I asked; I basically had no social skills. She then turned and looked at me and then gave out a beautiful smile.
"How do you know my name, Inoue-san?"
"I guess you can say I also like basketball, and you happen to be on the school basketball team."
She's right. I am on the basketball team, but still, I barely get to start. I'm not as talented as the others, so there is no reason for her to know me.
"I bet you are thinking you have no talent, so there is no reason for me to know you… Takemitchy-kun, not every successful basketball player was born with talent. Some earn the spot and recognition through hard work. So just give yourself a tap on the shoulder and say you can do it," said Inoue-san. She then stood up and ran towards the exit of the park. As my eyes followed her back as she left, she stopped, looked at me, waved, and then continued running.
From that, I happened to spend my entire spring break training, and to my surprise, I started to become more confident in myself. I guess I'll have to thank her when we meet again.
When school reopened, I happened to be in the same class as Inoue-san, but yet I never had a chance to thank her properly for over a month. I went to take a rest at the park after school, where I happened to find Inoue-san was already there. So I approached the bench and sat.
"Takemitchy-kun, let's become friends."
"Huh."
Wait, wait, that came from nowhere. Friends? I'd rather not have friends. I'm not a friendship-sought kind of guy.
"I'd rather not become your friend, Inoue-san." She seemed upset, for she turned around, pursing her lips.
"Why is that?" she asked.
Why is it that you say you don't like people to become your friends? Oh, that's right…
"Because people always feel uncomfortable around me. Sometimes I act like I don't care, but I know when people are uncomfortable having me around. I know when they lie, I know when they're faking their vibe, I know when things are about to end. I'm not naïve; I notice every change."
What the hell was I saying? She kept looking at me.
(Hahaha hahaha)
She laughed until tears started spilling from her eyes. Why is she even laughing?
"What the hell was that for? You sounded like a motivational speaker."
"But it's true. I really don't need friends. I'm not someone who can enjoy life with others."
She looked at the sky and then looked at me again.
"Why do you say that? You know having a good and enjoyable life is the kind of thing people crave for, Takemitchy-kun," she said, looking somehow depressed.
"Yeah, I guess you are right, but you know life isn't easy for people with overthinking minds and sensitive hearts."
I'm a sensitive person. That's why I may never enjoy happiness.
"You are wrong, Takemitchy-kun. We all need to enjoy life and make lots of memories because in the end, we all become memories and stories for others. That's why we need to make lots of memories with our friends," she spoke with so much emotion that I almost cried.
She then said something that I really didn't expect and understand.
"Takemitchy-kun, you know I may look alive, but I'm dead inside."
What does she mean by that? She then proceeded to stand up and walked to one of the swings. I followed her and stood next to her.
"Inoue-san, I guess it ain't bad to make memories, so I guess let's try to hang out."
"I'm happy," she said.
****
After that event, we started to be more close. She would come to see me play from time to time. We went out on weekends, ate lunch together, and walked home from school. The five months we spent together, if I could describe it in simple words, 'My world became beautiful' until…
"Inoue-san, I'm in love with you, so please become my girlfriend," I bowed down. I had summoned a huge amount of courage to confess, so that's why I couldn't look her straight in the eye. I just bowed and waited for her response.
"I'm sorry, Chihiro-kun, but I can't have a romantic relationship with you. I'm sorry," said Inoue.
"Huh."
Why did you say you liked spending time together? You looked at me with a look that friends don't give each other. Every day you texted me before going to bed. So why can't you?
"Inoue-san, you're kidding, right?"
"No, I'm not. I just don't see you that way, so I'm so…"
"So why did you say you liked spending time together? You just made me fall in love with you, so you could shatter my hope, is that it?" I lost control of myself, and I shouted at her, something I regretted later.
She took a step back and pressed her hands on her chest; tears were rolling down her cheeks. I really didn't want to make her cry, but in the end, I did.
"I'm sorry. I guess I better get going." That was the only thing I could do—just apologize. I felt like my life had shattered completely, and there was no more light in my world. I started walking away.
"Don't go yet, Chihiro-kun," she called out.
"No, this time let's go back to being strangers but strangers with memories." With that, I walked away. She kept calling out to me, but I couldn't bring myself to turn and look at her.
Huh, it really hurts when you realize you aren't as important to someone as you thought you were. So, this is how it feels to have your heart broken. So now I'm going to be alone again, but I'm already used to being alone. However, it weighs heavy sometimes
.
If I were to give advice to people out there, I would say, 'Be careful because people nowadays can act obsessed with you while they don't care how you feel.
∆ Inoue Suzuki ∆
We didn't speak much after that day, or rather, I should say we never spoke. Two weeks went by, and we started preparing for our entrance exams. Every time I tried to focus, I ended up thinking of Chihiro. I had rejected him—the person who had become close to me, and now we had become strangers.
"Suzuki-san, is there something wrong?" said Sakura. She's my best friend, but I couldn't let her worry about me.
"Nothing, I'm just trying to figure out which high school I would join." That was partially true.
"Come to think of it, I heard Takemitchy-kun is taking the exams for Meiwa Prep High School."
Huh, what? So, Chihiro is moving away. He's leaving me alone, just like they all do. Come to think of it, that school is in the same province as where I used to live. I wonder how he is still doing. When I looked over to where Chihiro-kun was sitting, although he was surrounded by his friends, I couldn't help but notice his sad smiles—a grieving smile. For a moment, our eyes met, and he averted his eyes in an instant. My heart was pounding like crazy. Every time I spent time with him, my heart would always pound this much. I knew it was the best choice to reject him. I knew I was not meant to be in a relationship with him or anyone else due to my condition. But I couldn't help but imagine how I broke the boy who loved me more than he will ever love himself. You'll never even know how much I cried over you, Chihiro. Even though it's impossible, I am still hoping for you to come back.
*****"
The time to our entrance exams was limited to about a week. It's been almost a month since I last spoke with Chihiro, but I knew I couldn't keep up this tough act any longer. So that's why, right now, I'm standing in front of him in the park. I had tricked him into coming here with the help of Sakura-san.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I know you are mad at me, but please listen to me."
"I have nothing special to say to you."
"I'm not saying you have to speak; I'm just telling you to hear me out, Chihiro-kun."
I ended up convincing him, so what am I even supposed to say?
"I'm really sorry for shutting you down that day," I said with a sincere apologetic tone.
"There is nothing for you to apologize for. I was just full of myself thinking someone loved me," he said while turning around. Then he continued, "When we first met, you asked if the sky is beautiful, and here is my answer: No, it's not beautiful. Nothing is beautiful. It's just how you live your life that will determine if anything is beautiful. So to me, nothing is beautiful."
"Chihiro, before I met you, my world was not that beautiful. And then you came into my world; you turned my world into a paradise of hope, love, and we made many memories in that world. And then you left, and the paradise became a world of regret and despair. So, Chihiro, how is your world?"
That's right, Chihiro. You gave me hope and everything, and I shattered your world. That's why.
"You know, Inoue-san, thank you." Why is he even thanking me? "If it weren't for you, I could never have known how despicable humans can be. So through you, I have learned a lesson."
What? No, I don't want you to see me like that. I don't want you to hate me. You're the only person I want, Chihiro.
"Stop it, Chihiro-kun. It's not like you to say those kinds of things. Why have you changed?"
"You see, I don't care what you think of me. I was not born to impress you. And don't ask why I changed; ask yourself what you did to me," he said, still not facing me. He was right. I made him change, but he's Chihiro. His words are filled with emotions, just like that day. That's why I can't let him go.
"What are you doing?" I had walked closer to him and hugged him from behind. I felt his heart racing, and so was mine.
"Chihiro-kun, you know that things change. People change. Feelings change too, but our memories we shared never change. The friendship we used to have, we will never forget. So that's why I don't want you to go any further. I want you to remain my friend forever and let's make lots of memories together."
One day I know I will say it, but the fact remains it won't change anything.
"Chihiro, I know you love me, but I want you to understand me. I can't be in a romantic relationship with you. One day you'll come to understand why. So that's why let's go back to how we used to be."
It was like I was having a conversation with myself. He didn't respond or anything, but I only cared for him to listen. I ended up letting go of him and took some steps back. He then turned around and looked at me; his eyes were red. He seemed like he was crying.
"You know my biggest red flag is that no matter how bad you hurt me, I'll still look at your kindness and goodness in you, Inoue-san. So that's why I can never bring myself to hate you."
How well said, like a poet. I also can't bring myself to ever hate you.
"They say crying silently is the most painful thing, so you can cry as loud as you want," I said to tease him.
"Don't get full of yourself now. I can't cry. I'm a man," he said, and then we both started laughing so hard. It felt like I had last seen him laughing like that a decade ago.
"You know, Inoue-san, we are still young, but sometimes it feels like we're running out of time," said Chihiro as he held my hand, and we started walking back. He was right. I'm running out of time. We need to make lots of memories.
"Come to think of it, Inoue-san, why are you so obsessed with making memories?"
"Who knows."
"What kind of an answer is that?"
(Giggling)
"Maybe there's another day, another world, in another time where you and I…." I muttered to myself.
"Did you say something?"
Shit, I said that loud.
"No, it's nothing."
One day, you'll find something to call your happiness, and I'll be watching over you from where I'll be, even if I end up trying so much…
∆ Takemitchy Chihiro ∆
…There are things we can't change, so that's why…
∆ Inoue Suzuki ∆
…Not everything is worth fixing. We just need to move on and stick to them, but you're my once upon a time, but…
∆ Takemitchy Chihiro ∆
…not my "Happy Ending." But still, you are the only person I want. I promised myself that I'll stop loving you when I saw you falling for someone else, but why does it still hurt after so long? Do I deserve this unbearable pain?
∆ Inoue Suzuki ∆
"Suzuki, are you sure you don't want me to inform your friends?"
"I'll tell them myself, Dad, so please don't say anything."
"About what we discussed the other day, what do you think?"
"60 million yen? Do you even have that kind of money?"
"Don't worry about the money. The only thing you should be worrying about is your health."